"Australians are really kind of crazy, huh?"

Oh what happy times for Australia’s sporting fans. In three days’ time, the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach will bring with it the world’s greatest surfers including, but not limited to, Kelly Slater. Exciting times and even moreover considering that Formula 1’s third stop will act as a delectable appetizer.

Yes, the gentlemen, including, but not limited to, Lewis Hamilton will start their engines tomorrow morning, very near Bells Beach in Melbourne and zoom hither and thither.

Beyond exciting.

Hamilton, a noted surfer, has been enjoying the early autumn weather with a fencing pal but also becoming terrorized by a rude shark.

He happened to be in Byron Bay, a place he appears to have just discovered and fallen deeply in love with when he decided to go surfing. Well, a shark circled him the whole time, he said, though he didn’t paddle straight straight back to the beach with shows much improvement in spine.

In 2019, you see, Hamilton refused to paddle out at Port Phillip Bay due shark fear even though his great friend Kelly Slater was in the water.

“I wanted to do it here but I couldn’t find a netted area to go to. I just can’t go where there are sharks, man,” he told the international press. “Every Australian I meet they’re like ‘nah, nah, you’ll be alright. If a shark comes up to you, punch it in the face.’ Australians are really kind of crazy, huh?”

They sure are.

Back to Byron, though. Do you think there is room in that quaint little town if Hamilton decides to purchase a little plot and settle down?

With much needed cameo from surfing' first transsexual competitor, the wildly inspirational Sasha Jane Lowerson…

Surf fans are in for a terrific sight this Easter at the Bells Beach Kathmandu Pro, which peels back its curtain on Tuesday, April 4, and runs into April 14 although, traditionally, organisers try to wrap up the show on the day of Jesus’ resurrection, which occurs this year on April 9.

For at some point during those ten days, three-time world champion Tom Curren, hero to Kelly Slater and star of the wildly underrated film Free Scrubber, will surf a heat against his old foe Mark Occhilupo, a father of nine who famously told the world in 1984, “I want to get real and stop these American wankers.”

The heat is a reprise of their 1986 semi-final still lazily described as the best man-on-man heat ever. (That honour was bestowed upon Kelly Slater and John John Florence in 2014 for that year’s semi at Teahupoo.)

Real hard to find any sorta footage of the ’86 heat, only this confusing pastiche. 

It ain’t the first time Occ and Curren have done the ol’ vaudeville routine for fans at Bells.

In 2019, a skimboard-riding Curren was smashed by Occ, a revenge of sorts for their 2014 heritage heat at J-Bay, won by Curren after scoring a ten, and also that distant semi, also won by Curren. 

Both men are near sixty although age seems to weary neither. 

Anyway, some surf fans are a little sad there ain’t a gal’s heritage heat, which is fair enough I suppose given the current mania for equity etc, one posting, “Who is in the women’s heritage heat? Surely, there is one too…”

The replies are revealing.

“They will put them out when the surf turns onshore.”

“They need to make sure it’s small enough.” 

Even inspirational tranny surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson makes an appearance. 

“Can we see Pam and Pauline?”

An excellent response. 

I wish to see Lisa Andersen versus Sasha at Bells, a clash of styles and eras and mixed with sexy gender bending!

And, you?

What all-gal heritage heat would give you the thrills?

Rage percolates.

What can be written about Kelly Slater that has not already been? That he enjoys nose walking snowboards? That his girlfriend is Chinese? Old news, all of it, as the world’s greatest surfer has had his life combed over so greatly, with such relish, that every hidden truth is public, every step, over the course of 50+ years, accounted for.

Part of it is due the fact that Slater is not media averse. While he has a famous penchant for blocking those sporting journalists he does not like, he spreads himself wide before others and shares innermost secrets with ease.

Part of it is due the fact that he is 50+ and has been under the burning klieg light for the vast majority of it.

It could be thought that Slater will surf into his 60s, 70s, 80s and do so extremely publicly though a new challenger has reared his head and stolen the GOAT’s thunder.

Namely, Seiichi Sano.

The diminutive Japanese man decided his life needed challenges, around 80 years of age, and so he climbed Mt. Fuji and took up surfing.

Now almost 90, The Guinness Book of World Records has officially recognized him as the “world’s oldest male surfer.”

“I think it would be interesting to try to surf until I’m 100,” he told the Associated Press. “I think I take better care of myself when I have goals like this. Even now, I take better care of myself than I did before.”

Slater is certainly at home seething right now, imagining some way he might steal Sano’s thunder. Dreaming of ways to shade the elderly gentleman.

Remember when Joel Parkinson dared announce his retirement?

In any case, I’d imagine that Slater will, himself, now claim that he is already 100.

He surfs against Jack Robinson and some unknown at the upcoming Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach.

Maybe “event seed #36” is World Surf League Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer.

Worldwide Look At Me Tour rolling on.

Saving the youth.

Australia is an undeniably wonderful country floating, there, below the equator. An undeniably wonderful cuisine of meat pies, undeniably wonderful national costume featuring Bintang t-shirts, undeniably wonderful soundtrack set to the soothing melodies of Kylie Minogue.

And, of course, there is the surf. Such variety of wave and water temperature, almost each fronted by a surf lifesaving club wherein members can sit in plastic chairs and eat meat pies either before or after a dip in the ocean. Being undeniably wonderful, one of them just north of Adrian Buchan’s Avoca Beach has very progressively decided to enact a 100% ban on nudity.

No naked in changing rooms.

No naked in the shower.

According to The Guardian, one naughty swimmer, Nada Pantle, dared to change from swimsuit to clothing and got slapped with a threatened “disciplinary action.”

Another, Wendy Farley, got drilled for rinsing off sans attire.

Both received sternly worded letter reading, “The club is a family friendly environment and at that nudity is not acceptable. Should you continue to ignore the rules, you will be subject to disciplinary action, and/or … termination of your membership.”

Yikes.

While Pantle felt “body shamed” by the notice and Farley thought it was sending the wrong message to young women, the chief executive of the club, Jon Harkness, stood firm.

“The purpose is to protect young people,” he said. “They all potentially use those shower facilities.”

Europeans, long used to being au naturel basically everywhere, got wind of the situation, stuck their wieners right where they didn’t belong and criticized the new rules, declaring, “We got mixed saunas. Any public shower (public pool, sports club, gym etc) is an open plan and you definitely see naked people while changing … A naked body is only indecent if you teach it to be indecent.”

Harkness, brave and bold, stood firm.

“Nobody inferred that. We were purely asking (the offending women) to follow the rules to constantly be modest within changeroom facilities.”

It is unknown if Torquay’s surf and lifesaving club will adopt the zero nudity policy ahead of the upcoming Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach but here’s to hoping.