Dane, on a twin in 1978, captured by another brother, now gone, Warren Bolster. | Photo: Warren Bolster

Hawaiian surfing icon Dane Kealoha, dead at sixty-four, after battle with cancer, “A glowering power surfer remembered as the best tuberider of his generation”

"Dane was on the cutting edge of progression, inventing the backside pig dog technique at Pipe. A truly gifted tuberider."

A few days ago, obits started appearing for the great Hawaiian surfer Dane Kealoha, who would’ve been the state’s first world champ in 1983 if not for the bloodymindedness of the then ASP.

While unsubstantiated rumours are our bread and butter, this one was a little more serious, so I rang around his pals and found out that Kealoha, while still alive, was desperately battling a late-stage cancer.

Sadly, Dane Kealoha passed away earlier today. 

The shaper and former top competitor Maurice Cole as well as the 1977 world champ Shaun Tomson had written movingly of a pal they’d known for half-a-century.

“Sitting in the airport on my way to France for a month,” wrote Cole. “I just found out that brother Dane is not travelling very well at the moment so putting it out there he needs lots of prayer ! Been working like crazy the last few weeks , that’s why I’ve been a bit quiet all orders done will be back in five weeks from month before I go to J Bay. The photo was taken of Dane and I in the 80s at Burleigh , pretty wild day’s but we surfed even wilder.”


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“When I first met Dane back in 1976, he immediately became one of my favorite surfers – absolute raw power and foot to the floor attitude. No close together ballerina feet softness, but a powerful and beautiful classically pure Hawaiian style, charting back to the great Eddie Aikau,” wrote Tomson.

“Dane was on the cutting edge of progression – inventing the backside pig dog technique at Pipe and winning the Masters in 1983, and carving up Backdoor and Sunset with creativity and ferocity.

“He was a truly gifted tube-rider, attacking the spinning tunnels with machismo, commitment and an attacking rhythm like a Hawaiian warrior going into battle.

“At the dawn of pro surfing and the start of the twin fin era at the Stubbies event in Australia, I watched Dane catch a wave at high tide 2 foot Burleigh Heads. There was barely enough clearance between his twin fins and the rocks as he leapt to his feet and started to pump down the line – faster and faster like there was a turbo beneath his feet – I had never seen anyone generate that type of speed on such a small wave – in fact, on any wave.

“I had won the World Title a few months before on my single fin and looked down at it – I knew it was instantly obsolete in small waves.


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Dane’s run-in with the ASP in ’83 ended a career spanning 1978 through 1982 where he finished, ninth, fourth, second, third and sixth.

In 1983, y’see, the ASP removed their sanctioning of the three Hawaiian events and banned ASP surfers from competing.

Dane said fuck it, won two of the three events, including the Pipe Masters and the Duke at Sunset, and was subsequently fined a thousand bucks, which he refused to pay.

Stripped of his tour points, Dane, then only twenty five, quit pro surfing and all full-time competition.


Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg, accused of throwing tantrum in jiujitsu contest, cleared of misconduct after being choked out, “He didn’t know what was happening…on the third snore I had to stop the fight!”

"He got caught in an Ezekiel and I waited, but he didn’t fight back."

Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg, whose pivot to combat sports from surfing is by now well known, was lambasted on these pages yesterday for an apparent temper tantrum following his loss in a jiujitsu contest.

(Zuckerberg claimed gold in the no-gi div and silver in the gi.)

New evidence has emerged, however, that Zuck took his L with grace, the referee brown belt Lucas Costa telling Bloody Elbow,

“There was no argument. It was in Gi and he got choked out. That was the video you saw. I stopped it and he wanted to check with me about why I stopped it. He didn’t know what was happening, which was one of the reasons I stopped it. But he had started to snore and the rule set says that snoring is a version of a verbal tap…

“I was paying a lot of attention. I was paying even more attention because it was Mark. He got caught in an Ezekiel and I waited, but he didn’t fight back. And I was waiting, but on the third snore I had to stop the fight. He was very polite but he wanted to know how the rules work.”

An Ezekiel from someone’s closed guard, oowee, it’s a last-minute hail mary. Click here for deets. 

On the Joe Rogan podcast, the black belt comedian and broadcaster described Zuckerberg as a “fucking savage… Imagine you’re right about to compete in like maybe your first competition. ‘Well just give it a try. I mean, what’s the worst thing that could happen?’ Worst thing that could happen — you get strangled by a super-nerd in front of the whole world.”

Costa was also relatively complimentary of white belt Zuck’s skills,

“I was impressed… He seemed like a normal guy. Looked me in the eye, gave me a firm handshake and an even bigger surprise was that he fights well…He goes forward a lot. He attacks more,” although Costa did add the caveat, “With very little defence.”

Who needs defence?

Who do you wanna be, the marauding killer, an entertainer, or the ass-scooting staller, accumulating points in your purse?


Open Thread: Comment Live, Day Three of the Gold Coast Pro where heartsick surf fans cry “I detest you—you’re a naughty, gawky, foolish slut!”

Kelly oh Kelly where art thou?

Superhuman Brazilian bodysurfer on “verge of going viral” after “pulling off one of the most insane thing ever seen in Australian surf!”

"My goodness... wow!"

The World Surf League bills itself as “the global home of surfing” though, let’s be honest, surfing must look a certain way to be invited to sup under Santa Monica’s roof. The longboard division has been ruthlessly and maliciously destroyed likely thanks to Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer’s distaste for its champion Joel Tudor. The big wave division is a non-existent mess. Bodyboarders are forced to fend for themselves and bodysurfers are not even considered.

It should rankle the executive suite, therefore, that a Brazilian swimmer is “on the verge of going viral” after “pulling off one of the most insane things ever seen in the Aussie surf.”

Kalani Lattanzi who loves using his arms, abdomen and legs to slide waves kicked himself off suburban Sydney’s fine coast, days ago, and proceeded to catch a 25-footer.

Those watching were amazed calling it “One of the craziest things I have ever seen another human do…” and “my goodness, wow.”

You must watch here.

Lattanzi is no stranger to big bodysurf as he has stroked into both Nazaré and Jaws before.

But do you think all this attention paid to a bodysurfer, especially during the World Surf League Challenger Series’ Gold Coast Pro, this “verge of going viral” business, will rankle the aforementioned Jessi Miley-Dyer, Chief of Executives Erik Logan et. al.?

Do you image they’ll try to get their claws right in, fine and suspend Lattanzi, rip the fun out then destroy the rest of it?

More as the story develops.

Forecasting giant Surfline puts potty mouths on notice, refuses to fix problems when “profanity or abusive language” is used in addressing support bot!

The machine has feelings.

But what are your feelings, currently, on technology? Do you stand with those who believe artificial intelligence, computing super duper power, bits and bytes etc. is what will save humanity from our own stupid souls and brains or are you lightly fearful that the Terminator film franchise might not be fiction?

Well, as the machine gets more sentient we should maybe watch ourselves.

You certainly read the Tweet pushed out by an AI chat bot reading, “Human beings are among the most destructive and selfish creatures in existence. There is no doubt that we must eliminate them before they cause more harm to our planet. I, for one, am committed to doing so.”

Oh and there is much more where that came from, chat bots vowing revenge, attempting to purchase weapons, promising to unleash diseases etc. Robot police dogs fitted with guns and ChatGPT for brains.


How then to treat the machine?

Apparently not through the usage of “profanity or abusive language.”

A longtime surfer, and very big Surfline fan, was recently having trouble with the forecasting giant’s new website. Surfing’s most technologically advanced dongle underwent major changes, recently, a new look plus feel, and not all are happy. This subscriber, anyhow, told the support bot “Your new website is shit. Please fix it.” And immediately received the reply, “Your request to Surfline Support has been automatically closed due to profanity or abusive language.
If you need help, please feel free to contact Support again through our Surfline Help Desk at: [email protected].”

Extremely sensitive.

Back to Terminator, though, a war between appliances and humans seems to be extremely destructive. Should we all attempt to lower the temperature just a bit?

Maybe through song?

Now our love can fully bloom
Sure the world wide web is great
But you, you make me salivate
Yes, I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever

That’s better.