John John, turn of the day, main photo, Jackie Robinson as a little boy, top inset, and Kelly Slater as James Dean, below.

Carnage in El Salvador as surfing’s biggest names Kelly Slater, Jack Robinson and John John Florence all eliminated in opening day bloodbath!

Leo Fioravanti, lean and slim like a rodent, had an extraordinary encounter, scoring both highest single wave and heat total for the day.

In glassy as hell three-foot rollers, attack dog tits in the channel working tirelessly to stack adjective upon adjective, Kelly Slater, Jack Robinson, Jody Smith and John John Florence were all eliminated on opening day of the Surf City El Salvador Pro.

The morning was prised open by the energetic prose of Kelly Slater, still magnificent in his fifty-second year, who fell to the flavour du jour Ethan Ewing by a few points, though his surfing was enough to hold even the most fast-dimming attention.

Later in the afternoon, Slater’s Central American dream was crushed by Gabriel Medina who was enjoying an uncharacteristic run in the elimination round.

Jackie Robinson, who until a few weeks ago was a world title favourite, lost an opening round to Connor O’Leary and was subsequently eliminated by Hawaii’s Ian Gentil.

Jordy, heading rocket-like to middle age, lost a wildly tight opening round to Joao Chiance and Seth Moniz before being forced to kiss the heel of Caio Ibelli’s jackboot in their sudden death heat.

John John Florence, who has more self-confidence in his breast than any other surf, sleepwalked through the opening round and it was only the spectre of winning his elimination heat against Rio Waida with a ten that made him reluctantly unsheathe his shining blade with a layback that showed his vital energy.

Current world number Griffin Colapinto was unfazed by Brazilian surf histrionics concerning his Surf Ranch Pro win and dominated his opening round; Leo Fioravanti, lean and slim like a rodent, had an extraordinary encounter, scoring both highest single wave and heat total for the day.

Kelly Slater staggers culture watchers as surf great appears to become official ambassador for lesbian-unfriendly El Salvador as Pride Month rolls into second week!

"The government has really put an emphasis on surfing (and bitcoin!) here."

The world’s best surfers are currently enjoying some of the world’s good enough waves, this time in Central America’s El Salvador where the World Surf League finds itself for stop seven. The sun is shining brightly, Chris Cote and Mitchel Salazar are taking turns talking and everyone looks like they are enjoying themselves. Everyone, that is, save the World Surf League’s Chief Executive Officer, Erik Logan, and its Chief of Sport, Jessi Miley-Dyer, who are noticeably absent.


But where do you think the two are hiding? What do you image they are doing? Is their refusal to show face a sign of timidity in light of Brazilian death threats or is it a brave stand in not supporting a right-leaning country which Human Rights Watch declares there is “no safe haven for LGBT people” and further reports state it particularly lesbian-unfriendly.

This is, after all, Pride Month.

Well, while culture watchers were trying to sort out if the WSL twin chiefs are chicken or gallant, Kelly Slater bomped them right on the head with an apparent official endorsement of the country. So official that the staggered are wondering if the eleven-time World Champion is an ambassador.

“Really enjoying #ElSalvador and learning a new place that hasn’t ever been on my travel itinerary,” Slater wrote. “The government has really put an emphasis on surfing (and bitcoin!) here. Good to see our life and work bruns such a positive thing these days. It’s a far cry from when I started as a pro surfer.”

The hashtagging of #ElSalvador a usually clear sign of paid endorsement.

Do you think the country’s lesbians feel all the bruns of positive things these days?

Does Slater’s very public endorsement signal that he might take some side hustle citizenship and ride for El Salvador in the upcoming Paris Olympics which will hold its surfing portion in Tahiti?

Exciting days.

Internet burns to ground after evidence of Shakira and Lewis Hamilton on “surf date” goes viral!

Fun and flirty.

Glory be, long-suffering surf fans, glory be. We have been wandering in this desert for so long. So very long. Coming home each night to light candles in our windowsills, waking each morning to find them burnt to stubs before we wander again. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Remember how when news broke that Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady were breaking up and we imagined a reuniting with Kelly Slater and then surfing would have its first glamor couple since the Brazilian supermodel and 11x World Champion broke up the first time around?

Alas, the weeks passed with nothing then months with Bündchen making some rumors with a jiujitsu instructor and Slater continuing along with his Chinese girlfriend.

While we were waiting, though, Shakira and her soccer playing stud Girard Pique split and the Colombian chanteuse, who has long dabbled in our favorite pastime, proceeded to mend her broken heart by going on a surf vacation. While Shakira and Slater seemed a long shot, the hit maker went to Miami for F1 and was briefly linked to Tom Cruise, a pairing that could have been claimed by us thanks to maritime law.

Well, those appeared to be just rumors too but all good things come to those who wait? For the internet is currently burning to the ground with images of an apparent “surf date” between Shakira and Lewis Hamilton currently going viral.

Shakira and Lewis Hamilton?


The British racer is, also, smitten with surfing, having enjoyed Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch many times and has publicly praised the Pro Pipeline, writing, “He probably doesn’t know this but Kelly changed my life for the better. I want you all to know how great of a human being this man is. I am forever grateful for the time you have given me, for the insight and your passion for the waves. Thank you @kellyslater! Can’t wait until we can hit the waves again (praying hands emoji).”


And a Shakira x Hamilton duo would certainly be the moment we’ve been waiting for.

According to People Magazine:

“After a series of public outings, a source tells PEOPLE that the singer and Formula One driver are keeping things “fun and flirty.”

“They’re spending time together and in the ‘getting to know you’ stage,” says a source who knows them both. “It’s fun and flirty.”

Fun and flirty.

The only cloud that may darken this horizon is Slater and his issues with not being in the spotlight. You recall that it took the 51-year-old over eight years to apologize to Brazil’s Adriano de Souza for shading him badly, Slater finally declaring, “Maybe we should’ve waited a week to sorta be politically correct or respectful enough to Adriano… I don’t think any of us foresaw how viral the thing was going to be. We knew people were going to be, ‘Oh that’s super cool.’ But we didn’t know it was going to take on a life of its own.”

Politically correct.

In any case, how excited are you about Shakira and Hamilton? Will you throw a party to celebrate and invite all your friends?

Me too.

Comment live: Surf City El Salvador Pro, “You let them close down the universities, you let them kill whoever they want, you let them do it all because they aren’t Commies! And that, Colonel, is bull shit!”

Who you got? Dreamy little point runners!

Vlad Popov, killed in front of his family and girlfriend while tourists filmed and pro-Ukraine trolls exulted.

Pro-Ukraine trolls celebrate shark attack death of Russian man at Egyptian resort, “Probably an elitist, rich Putin sympathiser so I can’t say I’m sympathetic to his demise”

“His fear was no greater than that suffered by many Ukrainian people in this war."

Pretty hard to miss the footage doin’ the rounds of a twenty-three-year-old Russki getting mauled to death while screaming for his Papa in front of iPhone recording tourists at an Egyptian resort on the Red Sea. 

Vladmir Popov was swimming with his gal when the tiger shark started circling. His gal made it to the beach while Vlad was given hell by the tiger which played with his body for two hours, although it was subsequently caught and beaten to death on the beach by a mob. 

Vladimir Popov and his girl Anastasia.

“We went to the beach to relax. My son was attacked by a shark. It all happened in seconds,” his dad Yury said.  “This meat grinder happened in 20 seconds… it is just some kind of evil fate.”

Shark attacks ain’t rare in these parts. Last year, two women were killed in two separate attacks, the year before a parasailor had his leg removed when he skimmed the surface of the water and in 2018 a Czech tourist was mauled to death off a Red Sea beach. 

A horror story, yeah, but equally as disturbing is the pile-on from pro-Ukrainian trolls celebrating the man’s death as some sort of comeuppance for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. 

“His fear was no greater than that suffered by many Ukrainian people in this war.”

“Probably an elitist, rich Putin sympathiser, so I can’t say I’m particularly sympathetic to his demise.”


“The shark spat the fucker out. Couldn’t stand the bad taste.”

“Fuck vatniks they deserve every thing they get the whole time they’re an accomplice to putins genocide.”

“I’ve seen russians cutting off heads and balls of ukrainians with rusty knives. This is disturbing my friend. The most disturbing is, that the russians all know what they are doing. The shark is just doing what it is doing.”

One DJ even cut the visuals of the man’s death throes to a dance track. Classy.