Internet burns to ground after evidence of Shakira and Lewis Hamilton on “surf date” goes viral!

Fun and flirty.

Glory be, long-suffering surf fans, glory be. We have been wandering in this desert for so long. So very long. Coming home each night to light candles in our windowsills, waking each morning to find them burnt to stubs before we wander again. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Remember how when news broke that Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady were breaking up and we imagined a reuniting with Kelly Slater and then surfing would have its first glamor couple since the Brazilian supermodel and 11x World Champion broke up the first time around?

Alas, the weeks passed with nothing then months with Bündchen making some rumors with a jiujitsu instructor and Slater continuing along with his Chinese girlfriend.

While we were waiting, though, Shakira and her soccer playing stud Girard Pique split and the Colombian chanteuse, who has long dabbled in our favorite pastime, proceeded to mend her broken heart by going on a surf vacation. While Shakira and Slater seemed a long shot, the hit maker went to Miami for F1 and was briefly linked to Tom Cruise, a pairing that could have been claimed by us thanks to maritime law.

Well, those appeared to be just rumors too but all good things come to those who wait? For the internet is currently burning to the ground with images of an apparent “surf date” between Shakira and Lewis Hamilton currently going viral.

Shakira and Lewis Hamilton?


The British racer is, also, smitten with surfing, having enjoyed Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch many times and has publicly praised the Pro Pipeline, writing, “He probably doesn’t know this but Kelly changed my life for the better. I want you all to know how great of a human being this man is. I am forever grateful for the time you have given me, for the insight and your passion for the waves. Thank you @kellyslater! Can’t wait until we can hit the waves again (praying hands emoji).”


And a Shakira x Hamilton duo would certainly be the moment we’ve been waiting for.

According to People Magazine:

“After a series of public outings, a source tells PEOPLE that the singer and Formula One driver are keeping things “fun and flirty.”

“They’re spending time together and in the ‘getting to know you’ stage,” says a source who knows them both. “It’s fun and flirty.”

Fun and flirty.

The only cloud that may darken this horizon is Slater and his issues with not being in the spotlight. You recall that it took the 51-year-old over eight years to apologize to Brazil’s Adriano de Souza for shading him badly, Slater finally declaring, “Maybe we should’ve waited a week to sorta be politically correct or respectful enough to Adriano… I don’t think any of us foresaw how viral the thing was going to be. We knew people were going to be, ‘Oh that’s super cool.’ But we didn’t know it was going to take on a life of its own.”

Politically correct.

In any case, how excited are you about Shakira and Hamilton? Will you throw a party to celebrate and invite all your friends?

Me too.

Comment live: Surf City El Salvador Pro, “You let them close down the universities, you let them kill whoever they want, you let them do it all because they aren’t Commies! And that, Colonel, is bull shit!”

Who you got? Dreamy little point runners!

Vlad Popov, killed in front of his family and girlfriend while tourists filmed and pro-Ukraine trolls exulted.

Pro-Ukraine trolls celebrate shark attack death of Russian man at Egyptian resort, “Probably an elitist, rich Putin sympathiser so I can’t say I’m sympathetic to his demise”

“His fear was no greater than that suffered by many Ukrainian people in this war."

Pretty hard to miss the footage doin’ the rounds of a twenty-three-year-old Russki getting mauled to death while screaming for his Papa in front of iPhone recording tourists at an Egyptian resort on the Red Sea. 

Vladmir Popov was swimming with his gal when the tiger shark started circling. His gal made it to the beach while Vlad was given hell by the tiger which played with his body for two hours, although it was subsequently caught and beaten to death on the beach by a mob. 

Vladimir Popov and his girl Anastasia.

“We went to the beach to relax. My son was attacked by a shark. It all happened in seconds,” his dad Yury said.  “This meat grinder happened in 20 seconds… it is just some kind of evil fate.”

Shark attacks ain’t rare in these parts. Last year, two women were killed in two separate attacks, the year before a parasailor had his leg removed when he skimmed the surface of the water and in 2018 a Czech tourist was mauled to death off a Red Sea beach. 

A horror story, yeah, but equally as disturbing is the pile-on from pro-Ukrainian trolls celebrating the man’s death as some sort of comeuppance for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. 

“His fear was no greater than that suffered by many Ukrainian people in this war.”

“Probably an elitist, rich Putin sympathiser, so I can’t say I’m particularly sympathetic to his demise.”


“The shark spat the fucker out. Couldn’t stand the bad taste.”

“Fuck vatniks they deserve every thing they get the whole time they’re an accomplice to putins genocide.”

“I’ve seen russians cutting off heads and balls of ukrainians with rusty knives. This is disturbing my friend. The most disturbing is, that the russians all know what they are doing. The shark is just doing what it is doing.”

One DJ even cut the visuals of the man’s death throes to a dance track. Classy.

Strider and his steroidal tits and, inset, Jon Stewart being either ironic or dumb.

WSL personality famous for “attack dog tits” appears to fire salvo into organisation’s Wall of Positive Noise, “If you have a media machine that purposefully lies to its people… that is the hallmark of an authoritarian system!”

"To know that there was an entire media organisation designed to bend reality, to manipulate facts…"

There are many reasons to fall in love with the WSL commentator Strider Wasilewski, still boyish at fifty and whom we can imagine falling gratefully asleep every night, tucked spoon-fashion into beloved wife, one hand babyishly grasping a breast as a child clutches a favourite toy for comfort when he enters the frightening realm of a dream. 

His now famous attack dog tits, a surf career that included a sponsorship by Quiksilver and a place in the Pipe hierarchy , as well as his rise from the skate ghetto of Dogtown, and now, in his harvest years, in-water commentary at selected World Surf League events. 

But a recent post from the Ellen DeGeneres-lookalike has fans wondering, did he just fire a salvo into the WSL’s patented wall of positive noise? 

Wasilewski reposted a clip of the noted far left journalist Jon Stewart unironically describing the concentration of government-friendly media in Hungary and how such a thing could never happen in the USA.

To surf fans, his message has chilling parallels with the WSL’s wall of positive noise, where mass-produced furniture is eco friendly, where queer-hating countries are gifted prized tour events and where criticism of the system is strictly verboten. 

“If you have a media machine that purposefully lies to its people,” says Stewart, “then that is the hallmark of an authoritarian system… if we were ever to get something like that in the United States we would be horrified…furious… to know that there was an entire media organisation designed to bend reality, to manipulate facts…it would never happen in the United States.”


Questions: is Strider referencing the WSL’s wall of poz noise, does he agree with Stewart’s posit that America’s media would never blindly push a government’s agenda or is he laughing at Stewart’s naiveté?


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Rio Waida. Photo: ISA World Surfing Games
Rio Waida. Photo: ISA World Surfing Games

Brave Indonesian superstar Rio Waida lays bare fraudulent World Surf League claims in devastating CNN profile!

"Every time we see a bad wave we don’t get excited to surf …"

The World Surf League, which has dubbed itself the “global home of surfing,” has been on the ropes of late. An insurrection after the Surf Ranch Pro wherein three former champions, each from Brazil, assailed the judging criteria and demanded account. After two days of fumbling, WSL CEO Erik Logan excoriated them in a scathing letter, declaring, that it was “unacceptable for any athlete to question the integrity of our judges.”

Veteran tour reporter JP Currie, shocked alongside all surf fans, declared Logan’s tone fell “somewhere between a dictator and a domestic abuser.”

Logan and his number two, Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer, quickly retreated behind the Wall of Positive noice in order for the troubles to pass except it seems they are mounting.

The El Salvador Pro, in the second day of its waiting period, has gotten off to a slow start with lousy surf after putting on quite a show for the just wrapped ISA World Surfing Games.

Worse, though, Indonesian superstar Rio Waida has just laid bare the World Surf League’s main claim of hosting “the world’s best surfers in the world’s best waves,” a mantra repeated over and over and over again, in a devastating new interview with CNN. After a brief introduction to the current Championship Tour number 20, the interview turns to why there are not more Indonesian surfers competing in the top ranks.

“In Indo, we have the best waves and every day is good waves. That’s why we kind of get spoiled,” Waida told the struggling news outlet. “If you go to Europe, it’s going to be cold and we have to put a wetsuit on and stuff; we don’t put wetsuits on in Indo. Every time we see a bad wave we don’t get excited to surf … But if we want to win, we have to go through that and then do our best in any conditions. So that’s kind of what I did and it’s working.”

World’s best surfers.

World’s increasingly mediocre waves.

It has been long known, of course, that in order to become a professional surfer, mastering sloppy 2ft nothings is essential. Once in the big leagues, though, all that scrap was once rewarded with a “dream.” Cloudbreak, G-Land, Mundaka, etc. These days, the best of the best are forced to slide for their supper in the aforementioned El Salvador, Surf Ranch, Saquarema all culminating at Lower Trestles.

Worse year over year and how much worse can it get before the Rio Waidas of the world, those hidden talent gems, take a look and think, “You know, no thanks?”

Or is the time finally exactly right for Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund to swoop and dominate?

I think CNN’s former boss Chris Licht might be available and willing to take the reins.