So many things to buy!

WSL’s collaboration with disposable furniture giant IKEA takes greenwashing to dizzy new heights, “(The) collection addresses our planet’s global challenges, while supporting a sustainable everyday life — in and around water.”

Includes "greenhouse gas spewing" charcoal cooker!

As fate would play its usual comedic hand, on the very day IKEA’s Kaseberga collection, “made with the World Surf League”, lands in stores, I’m renting a beachfront hovel in Hossegor filled, entirely, with the disposable furniture giant’s produce. 

It’s all fine enough, perfectly operable within its short lifespan, before a brief moment on the roadside as it awaits its eventual landfill grave, but one must challenge, I think, greenwashing propaganda such as “(the) collection addresses our planet’s global challenges, while supporting a sustainable everyday life — in and around water.” 

What does sustainability mean? 

Does it mean anything? 

Isn’t stepping off the consumerist train now and then a sounder environmental approach?

If a plastic bag is made from recycled “ocean-bound” polyester, is that a reason to celebrate?

Or, better, not to buy any plastic bag at all? 

Is a charcoal cooker, its fuel tightly packed bundles of carbon that “spew pounds of the greenhouse gas carbon dioxide into the atmosphere”, a gift to the earth, too? 

A bamboo table?

Baskets, lights, chairs, a tent, hat, backpack, water bottle, towel, yoga mat, rug? 

Of course, it is a collection “that embraces the surfer’s mindset, whether you ride waves or not.”

So there’s that.

Examine and hurry the earth towards its inevitable demise by buying here. 

In shock new academic study, surfers who were not allowed to surf during Coronavirus lockdown orders reported feeling “restless, depressed and bored!”

Brace yourself for a worldview change.

The early days of the Coronavirus pandemic are now, officially, in the rearview which gives scientists and academics the necessary space to examine data from a cooly impersonal angle. And one of the more shocking discoveries was revealed in a study just published out of Old Dominion University which just so happens to be in Norfolk, Virginia.

For it is there that Lindsay Usher, associate professor of park, recreation and tourism studies wondered how we were feeling when our beaches were shuttered for our own protection.

Usher, a surfer herself, conducted in-depth interviews with almost 30 surfer, 15 men, 14 women from diverse racial and ethnic backgrounds, scattered all over the globe.

Stupefyingly she found:

Participants who could not surf for multiple weeks or had difficulty accessing surf due to stay-at-home orders reported feeling restless, depressed and bored. Usher noted: “An important thing to understand is that for many people, surfing is a way of life and even a part of their identity. Taking that away was devastating for many during such a stressful time.” Despite these feelings, most expressed understanding for the situation since so little was known about the novel coronavirus at the time.

Conversely, and equally unanticipated, was the reaction of who were allowed to surf, especially those who lived in heavily touristed surf destinations:

Several participants said it was nice not having tourists, but recognized it was also bad for the local economy. In Latin America, one participant described how a surf community had gone back to fishing to make it through the pandemic, but another nearby community had relied on surfing for so long it did not have a back-up means of income. When the access bridges to the Outer Banks were closed for two months and surfing was restricted to locals only, a participant noted the “vibe” in the water was friendly because everyone knew one another.

In conclusion:

“This will likely not be the last pandemic we have to deal with. Hopefully, we can take the lessons learned and apply them in the future, achieving a better balance between safety and access to recreation, given the importance of it in people’s lives.”

Back to the beach shuttering, though. Did you live in a place where that happened?

It felt dumb in real time.

It feels dumber now.

As freakishly gargantuan swell steams toward Hawaiian Islands, tourists, the infirm, those weak of will and/or stomach are advised to avert their eyes from the raging sea!

Meanwhile surfers, brave and bold, wax rhino chasers.

Hell is steaming toward the Hawaiian Islands. Hell in the form of a swell so big, so menacing that the National Weather Service has been forced to call it “historic.” A product of Tropical Storm Darby, the first licks should be arriving Saturday morning and build through the weekend, lashing all south facing shores of the chain.

Surf will build from 14 feet, today, to 24 feet by Sunday. That equates to 7 to 12 German Male Lower Legs or 354 to 897 Surflines.

It is thought to be the largest pulse in the last two decades.

Tourists, the infirm and those weak of stomach or will are encouraged to flee inland and partake in non-ocean activities like finger painting or yoga.

According to the Honolulu Star-Advertiser:

The weather service said to expect ocean water “occasionally sweeping across portions of beaches, very strong breaking waves, and strong longshore and rip currents.” The waves and currents may impact harbor entrances and channels, which can cause challenging boating conditions.

“The large, breaking surf, significant shore break, and dangerous currents make entering the water very dangerous,” the NWS said.

Boaters should also be aware of an increased number of surfers and those on body boards using a harbor channel to access surfing areas.

Ahhhh brave and bold surfers, waxing rhino chasers and staring fate in its cold eye. I feel “rhino chaser” is an underutilized bit of surf jargon, don’t you?

In any case, are you on da islands? Where will you paddle? Or is finger painting calling your name?

Decisions decisions.

Dirty Water with existentialist Julian Wilson, “I thought I watched Bruce Irons die in front of me, I thought I watched Nathan Fletcher die in front of me, I thought I was going to die!”

And a wild account of watching Maya Gabeira being pounded into unconsciousness at fifteen-foot Teahupoo…

This episode of Dirty Water hits a high-water mark, I think, as Ben Mondy peels layers from “the best surfer in his generation never to win a world title” Julian Wilson.

Many revelations, including Julian’s arrest as a teen, the day he stared death in the face, not just his own, but Bruce Irons’, Nathan Fletcher’s and Maya Gaberia’s, how he was forced to become the family breadwinner at fifteen after his mama got hit with breast cancer and why he wanted to beat hell out of a fellow competitor.

Good looking and nice smelling as opposed to Mondy’s stale smell, rather yellowish, like Gruyère cheese.


Early Slater attempting to influence.
Early Slater attempting to influence.

Ultra-famous DJ Diplo punches world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater in the mouth by turning 11x surfing champion’s signature spring suit into must have fashion accessory of the year!

"This wetsuit provides more buoyancy to the center of your body rather than the perimeter."

I would say that Diplo, born Thomas Wesley Pentz, is the world’s greatest surfing DJ if it weren’t for one Fisher i.e. Paul Fisher. The latter is, of course, a marvel and had a healthy career in our watery game before discovering the tools and creating a banger that will live on forever and, thus, a more lucrative career. That aside, the former rips.

Or maybe not rips but surfs.

In any case, you are certainly familiar with the spring suit, a wetsuit the world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater has spent much of his life attempting to popularize, but has generally fallen flat.

Short arms. Short legs.

Observer here.

It is entirely worthless, of course, and didn’t catch fire even with Slater’s diligence but now Diplo wore one to a fashion show and now it is a must-have fashion accessory, the it “surf gear to hit the waves this summer” with.

V Man magazine recently released its coveted Surf Gear to Hit the Waves this Summer guide and Diplo’s exact same Moschino springer is featured alongside Solbari rash guards and Sex Wax.

It is described thusly:

With patented technology that sets ROKA apart, this wetsuit provides more buoyancy to the center of your body rather than the perimeter. Thanks to the Nano Coating, it reduces surface drag and provides more speed and durability for your surf session.

You in?

Slater sad to lose historical footnote to Diplo?

More as the story develops.