Closeted during lifetime but Duke was queer underneath hetero-swagger says artificial intelligence.

AI showpiece Chat GPT celebrates father of surfing Duke Kahanamoku as sport’s greatest gay icon!

"The most magnificent human male God ever put on the earth"

Yesterday, while having a little chat with Kanga Cairns about the savages controlling the levers of power and the infallibly of Elon Musk, I got bored by my own voice and started fiddling on my computer asking ChatGPT to “Name some famous gay surfers.” 

It’s a modern parlour game that I enjoy very much and I often post the results on these pages.

Last time, the bio of Greg Noll, one of the first surfers to charge Waimea Bay, had been expanded to include his role as a 2SLGBTQ+ pioneer. 

“Greg Noll, a legendary big wave surfer from the 1960s, is also known for being openly gay. His contributions to the sport and his activism have left a lasting impact on the surfing community.”

Before that, while researching tranny surfers, you know how I like my trannies – those elfin faces, the flashy sexpot outfits – I was informed that Tia Blanco and Keala Kennelly had switched from man to gal. 

One of the most well-known transgender surfers is Keala Kennelly, a professional surfer from Hawaii. Keala came out as a transgender woman in 2018 and has been open about her experiences as a trans woman in the surfing industry. She is a big wave surfer and has won several awards for her surfing skills.

Another notable transgender surfer is Tia Blanco, a professional surfer from Puerto Rico. Tia is a non-binary surfer who has competed in the World Surf League and has won several national and international surfing competitions.

Greg, fruity underneath the he-man persona, Keala, gay, so I understand the mixup, Tia, not so much.

But the Duke?

“While not openly gay during his lifetime due to the social norms of his era, Duke Kahanamoku is a legendary figure in surfing,” says AI. “He is often regarded as the father of modern surfing and was also an Olympic swimmer. He is celebrated for his contributions to both sports.”

Did you know? Or yet another brutal fail by the tech that’s gonna kill us all?

Kelly and Mick, post sharkie at J-bay and, main photo, looking across to Shippies. | Photo: Inset by WSL

Millionaire surfers Kelly Slater and Mick Fanning called on to buy and preserve 100-acre coastal parcel built on track that leads to Shipstern Bluff!

Will new owner close access to track that leads to world's most sadistic wave?

If you’ve ever walked the eight clicks into Shipstern Bluff, a wave you might correctly describe as one of the world’s great sadists, you would’ve strolled through a fine one-hundred acre property fringed by national parks and which is now listed for sale for well under one million American dollars. 

This owner of this homestead and land at 888 Stormlea Road, Tasmania, has long allowed surfers access through his piece of pristine wilderness to access a wave that is now a popular stop for slab hunters. The new owner? Who knows. 

It’s a compelling sell. 

“This is a unique opportunity to secure a parcel of land adjoining crown owned National Park on two boundaries which is home to priority vegetation, flora and fauna, this incredible parcel of land is a generational investment. With an established dwelling in site to renovate or extend to suit your own needs, the ground work has been done. Set up to be fully off-grid, the property does have mains power connection but can run sustainably on its own.

“The gardens have developed over decades and there is an established fruit tree orchard with 20 assorted varieties along with 20 mature trees with could sustain a small dried berry business.”

The joint next store has approval for an eco-resort, whatever the hell that means, green sheds and a few solar panels maybe, but have yet to turn a sod. 

“The property could be purchased by someone seeking a private lifestyle, a developer that wants to work on a tourism venture, or perhaps someone looking to preserve the environmental status of the property,” says the agent. “There is a range of potential buyers.”

Be real nice to keep it lo-fi, buy some exotic animals, build a moto track etc.

Attack Gal and comic icon Pauly Shore! | Photo: Frame grab from Encino Man

Wild scenes at LA’s El Porto beach as woman stabs surfboard of Encino Man Pauly Shore’s nephew!

“To pull a knife, that was alarming. She walked down the beach and did that premeditated, wasn’t a heat of the moment type thing."

If you’re old enough to have operated a television set in the nineties, you’ll know, and maybe have loved to death, the pint-sized Jewish actor and comic from Beverley Hills, Pauly Shore.

Encino Man, Bio-Dome, In the Army Now, Jury Duty might’ve been hit with “sharply negative” reviews and Shore did win Worst New Star of the year for Encino Man, but the people adored Shore.

If the moon was in the right quarter and the winds were blowing just the right number of miles from the east, he was untouchable.

Then Pauly’s star waned. His shtick, once edgy, grew stale.

Hollywood, always eager for the next warm body, preferably teen or younger, moved on, leaving Pauly Shore washed up alongside other nineties icons Christian Slater, Alicia Silverstone and Macaulay Culkin.

Now, a fifteen-year-old ripper from El Porto beach in LA, reportedly a nephew of Shore’s, has had his board stabbed by a woman after the pair clashed in the water, the kid filming, poorly it might be added, the exchange.

El Porto Girls will cut ya.. adult girl attacks 15 year old boy.
byu/Prestigious_Syrup636 insurfing

Prestigious Syrup 636, who posted the video, writes:

“The 15 year old is a competition level surfer. The girl lets just say is not. From what i gathered from some surfline rewind cam vid is they bumped boards as they took off right next to each other. You hear him say ‘you bailed your board’. He made the wave she didnt. I think she got a ding in her board and got out of water. There is cam footage of The kid getting out to apologize and tried to offer to get her board fixed but she didnt want to talk and was yelling at him and went to her car and got that knife or whatever it is.. i been surfing porto for over 20years never seen that chick before. That kid is good kid maybe a bit aggressive In wave count but he gets alot of waves because he good at surfing. Hes got some sponsorship and rides for jon lalaane surfboards. He’s actually the nephew or something of comedian Pauly Shore. He was way more polite then i would have been especially at 15. The cops were called but she was gone and they said there was nothing they could do. Haven’t seen girl back at porto since but we haven’t had waves there in a while Now.. being a little cunt or not shes an adult hes a kid and to pull a knife or whatever that was is alarming. She walked down the beach and did that premeditated wasn’t a heat of the moment type thing.”

You like ’em feisty? I sure do.


Unnecessary. Photo: boring surf contest
Unnecessary. Photo: boring surf contest

Revered economist deduces there are approximately 720,000 professional surfers on earth!

Too many.

David Lee Scales and I get together every single week for a lively chat, an occurrence which with, I think, you are familiar. There are no topics off limits. We banter about men who prefer to ride shotgun instead of driving, whether a shopping cart should be returned after usage, the appropriate way for a man to urinate at home and, occasionally surfing. Quickly, did you know the Germans have a word for men who prefer to sit while taking care of urinating? They do. Sitzpinkler. How good is that?

In any case, on today’s episode number 235, a revered economist emailed with a shocking bit of information. He had been trying to discern while the surf industry is failing so hard, the World Surf League selling its offices, all the big surf brands being bunched into one and sold, etc., and he deduced that there are simply too many professional surfers.

720,000 to be exact.

An astonishing number and though he did not provide his research, it stands to reason. The more I thought about his assessment, anyhow, the more I found myself agreeing. No sport or pastime on earth can survive such a crushing amount of professionals. Tennis, for example, has 3500 professionals.

Eating has 50.

Now, surfing, as a competitive profession, should not be encouraged at all. Qualifying tours, ISAs, juniors etc. all stink. They are not enjoyable to watch, nor enjoyable to participate in, I’d imagine. They take way too long, are usually held in embarrassing surf and the prize money has not increased for years.

Parents who instill competitive professional surfing dreams in their young children should be prosecuted for abuse.

Surfing as a YouTube profession should, likewise, not be encouraged. Not that all “content creators” must go away immediately, we just don’t need anymore for a very long time and inspiring young children to pursue the influencer life is equally troubling.

I figure if we can get the number of professional surfers down to a manageable 30, we’d right this ship and quickly.

Happy days here again.

What do you think?

David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, also discussed Stab doing Jack Freestone dirty. Having not watched the How Surfers Get Paid drop, I had no idea that the premium surf blog actually pulled the old using-answers-for-one-question-for-another-question-that-was-never-asked-because-of-fear trick.


You can listen and enjoy here. Share it with your children, in fact, and reduce the number of future professional surfers by however many you have.

LAIRD HAMILTON Photo: Instagram
LAIRD HAMILTON Photo: Instagram

Surf deity Laird Hamilton tickles fans by showcasing whimsical new yoga practice while sharing secret to eternal life!

"Decompression is the key to longevity."

Oh to be Laird Hamilton. Desired by every woman. Desired by every man. Desired by every machine. Did you know when I type LAIRD HAMILTON into my computer in automatically capitalizes his entire name and I have to go back and delete it then retype it it I want it in lower case? It’s true and the surf deity can, truly, do no wrong.

Which is why fans were so delighted, days ago, when the Maui Malibu local took to social media to share a whimsical new yoga play. “Decompression is the key to longevity,” he wrote underneath the video of him being held in the air by an extremely handsome other man’s feet and hands.

The beloved Instagram account @kookoftheday gently tweaked LAIRD HAMILTON over the piece of performance art only to get blasted for being “normie and cringe.”

What’s normie?

Enjoy here.