G-Mac (top left) and Laird (bottom right) eye
infamy.
Garrett McNamara, Laird Hamilton giddy as
“extreme” star with “4 million kilometer high waves”
discovered!
By Chas Smith
100+ foot waves suddenly irrelevant.
Post tropical cyclone Lee is, currently,
slamming into America’s northeaster seaboard wreaking havoc,
causing major panic. Power outages are being reported in Maine,
Canadians are counting their bacon and New Hampshirites are tying
themselves to granite hills, screaming “live free or die” into the
howl.
Wild times.
A surf journalist, who made his way from storm-tested Southern
California in order to advice and assist, is currently advising and
assisting Vermontettes on how to deal with troublesome light
breezes. An important role that will be greatly detailed soon.
Before that, though, it must be noted that Garrett McNamara, Laird
Hamilton and other big waves studs are positively
drooling over a new discovery
of an “extreme” star with HUGE waves.
Dubbed MACHO 80.7443.1718, obvs, the star is some 160,000 light
years away from the Earth, has 35 times the mass of the sun and
once a month lots of gravitational tug, like the moon our our
ocean, creates MASSIVE waves on its surface.
Up to 10 percent of the star’s entire diameter making them,
roughly, 4 million kilometers high.
Astrophysicist Jim Fuller of Caltech, who was not part of the
study, said it “shows how complicated and interesting the dynamics
get when you have an extreme system like this.”
The waves can get big enough that they actually break and crash
across the brighter star’s surface, the study suggests. When an
ocean wave is far from shore, it’s a rolling, undulating wave. But
as it comes closer to shore, it rises and collapses on itself.
“Something kind of parallel is happening here,” Morgan MacLeod of
the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics says. The top of
the wave steepens, “gets out of phase with the bottom, and it folds
over on itself, and it crashes.”
The 4 million kilometer business puts to absolute shame the 100+
foot stuff normally being chased here on earth and you can be
certain big wave surfers will be employing means available of
reaching MACHO 80.7443.1718.
Kai Lenny’s jet ski etc.
HBO busily developing “4 Million Kilometer Wave.”
The small fishing village on the star readying itself for a
bright spotlight.
Exciting days.
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Max's day to remember in Japan and, inset, BJ Penn
after being sucked into the guts of a pool in Palm Springs. |
Photo: @blessedmma
King of UFC octagon Max Holloway reprises
Hawaiian surf skills at Japanese wave pool, “This will be the start
of my professional surfing debut!”
By Derek Rielly
The self-described "best boxer in the UFC" thrills
fight fans with a surprise cameo at a Japanese wave tank…
If you love to see men beat hell of each other, but with a
little honour and skill and on a canvas floor slippery with their
blood, there ain’t a better soul to watch than the Hawaiian UFC
featherweight Max “Blessed” Holloway.
The self-described “best boxer in the UFC” makes his opponents
look slow and clumsy as he rocks and sways and paints their faces
and guts with his little fists.
Holloway, who is thirty-one, is the husband of Hawaiian surf
star Alessa Quizon (once the gal of no-longer-balding
Caio Ibelli) and grew up on Oahu’s west side, which is
also famous for the production of Sunny Garcia and Johnny Boy Gomes.
A few months back, Holloway stunned fight fans when he conquered
the famous Waco pool and over the course of the past few days has
proved his skills weren’t a fluke when he commanded the Shizunami
Surf Stadium a couple of hours out of Tokyo.
“Last year when I got sucked into a wave pool engine room and
thought I was going to die… I kept thinking “don’t die for your
kids” I was surfing for a about an hour and the line started
getting longer to catch the wave. I was sitting next to the owner
of the wave pool by the “wall” where the waves come from. The first
wave it shoots out is a dud to get everyone ready for the next
wave.
The dud wave came back and because I was so close to the wall
the wave swallowed me and pushed me and my surfboard underneath a
huge cement wall. I remember feeling like I was getting sucked in a
pipe and at that moment I got scared. It ended up pushing me into a
big dark cement room that fills up with water to push the next wave
for the wave pool. It felt like I was in the movie SAW or Final
destination. The room would fill up with water to the top and I
would hold my breath and then it would push the water out to make
the wave and it was really rough inside there. Everything I bumped
up against in the room that hurt me got infected. I got a bad sinus
infection and a couple facial fractures from getting knocked around
the cement walls and from the fractures the dirty water got in my
face and infected my whole sinus. I was on antibiotics for three
weeks for my face.
While I was in the wave pool engine room I knew that one of
my friends outside from big island is a legendary surfer and I knew
he would come in there to rescue me so I stayed calm. A lot of
other people might have panicked and maybe gave up but I just
stayed strong for my kids. Anyway to make a long story short I
survived that mother fucker 😛😛😛 !! The name of the people
and water park have been left out. I not the kine guy shows up to
your house to play and gets hurt and tries to sue you so all
love ❤️ to everyone who helped me get there and helped me
survive 🤙 Maybe I was the first guy in history to get sucked
into a wave pool engine room while it is in operation but no matter
what happens in life and no matter how scary it is if I can offer
you any advice I would just say to “stay calm”. If I didn’t fight
tough cunts my whole life I might have panicked, but it was just
another day in the office.”
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Impossible to unseen now! | Photo:
@sensitiveseashellcollector
Kelly Slater addresses bombshell claims he
is a “puppet to his masters at the Masonic Order” and Outerknown’s
logo is “eerily linked” to Masonic compass and square!
Slater, who is fifty-one, ain’t one to back down from an online
skirmish, instances too numbers to list or link but the most
enduring, I think, is when he hit back at an historically
inaccurate troll who claimed US military involvement always ended
in failure.
“You would be the type of fool to advocate for military violence
and US involvement overseas,” wrote the troll. “The US needs to
stop fucking policing the world. Getting the military involved has
never helped anything it’s always the same people who end up
hurting and having to pay for it.”
Slater’s riposte.
“Fuck off. It’s a joke, albeit a serious topic. I’m currently
and always have been anti war. I’m also pro environment and
wildlife. And I don’t really give a shit to talk to you or hear
your opinion so fuck off.”
A new front has opened up, however, after Kimo Clark posted a
debunking of conspiracy theories surrounding the devastating
wildfires on Maui.
“I don’t mean any disrespect to people believing these ideas,”
writes Clark. “There are a ton of confused and hurt people affected
by the fire. I am also a victim who lost my home, my neighborhood
and the place I grew up in.
“I think it’s healthy to question authority and processes. But
do it for your own knowledge, not to jump on some band wagon that
has no factual basis or because it’s what your friends believe or
whatever latest social media trend is.”
The conspiracy busting Slater, who has previously taken on
flat-earthers responded, “Humbling to hear your words about the
situation, the people affected, and the outlandish ideas carelessly
being spread. Hopefully this is heard far and wide to counter some
of the nonsense. Thanks for bringing sensibilities and respect to
the people doing their best to help during and after such a
catastrophic event. Sounds like we need more like
yourself.”
As is the norm in online discourse in came the
freaks,
And, “His logo is a Masonic compass and square… you need to
research whom controls your reality…be objective.”
(More, too, including: “Just goes to show you can be awake to
the vaccines and still fast asleep to the weather modifications and
weaponising of weather throughout the world. You’ll be woken up
very soon.”
Logos side by side. Eerie!
Slater quickly squared off, “You taking about me and our company
logo that is a literal ‘O’ and ‘K’ for Outerknown?”
And,
“Nobody owns my mind. The Masonic thing is cute…I just wish I
knew what benefits its affords me that I’m not
getting.”
Kelly Slater, of course, is no stranger to conspiracy theories
himself and believes there’s a “lot of fishy things about” 9/11,
that those pretty white plumes of smoke from jet airliners ain’t so
pretty, mainstream media lies etc.
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Boiling surf rage exposed at “one of the
best waves in the world” Topanga Beach!
By Chas Smith
Topangry.
Those living in New England are currently
breathing much easier even though Hurricane Lee is bearing down.
President Joe Biden has just declared a state of emergency and I
have officially arrived, ready to direct and advise. So far, a
light blanket of clouds is covering the sky, in Vermont, and the
temperature is a scary 68 degrees Fahrenheit. I am wandering the
streets of a very cute historic town telling the Teva-clad locals
not to worry. That they should horde just a little but otherwise
put their favorite Phish album on the turntable, sip a little maple
syrup and relax.
I’ve been through a hurricane, in Southern California, and am a
survivor.
Speaking of Southern California, Topanga, just south from famous
Malibu, made the hipster news today for its surf rage problem.
KCRW reported
on various locals, like Donnie Wilson, a former professional who
has been surfing Topanga since the 1970s. He said he’s been all
over this blue earth surfing and claims, “(Topanga) the only spot
in LA that gets a south and a north and a west swell, and it’s a
point break. It’s one of the best waves in the world.”
Being such, though, surf rage. Wilson says he is part of the
problem.
“I’ve been one of the ones guilty of [yelling] ‘get the fuck out
of here kook. I’ve been cracking people since I was a kid. When I
was in junior high or something, I fucking broke this dude’s
nose.”
Pipeline East.
Chad White, who has been surfing Topanga for 40 years, also
weighed in, declaring, “The really heavy guys are the ones that had
to pay some real dues to surf here. In the 70s, it would be every
time they came to surf here. They’d have to fight.”
Another nameless local shared his experience of being “fully
chewed out by a Topangry 12-year-old girl, and fully got bullied
into submission as a 34-year-old man who’s surfed here most of my
life.”
“Topangry” being a portmanteau of “Topanga” and “angry.”
All of it fairly run-of-the-mill until Joshua Alexander enters
the scene. He is black and has been surfing for two years but has
already had many “racially charged” incidents in the water. He has
been told to “go back to your hood” and “go back to China.”
Go back to China?
What sort of geographic weirdness is happening at Topanga?
In any case, Women have also had a rough go. Professional surfer
Frankie Seely sharing, “Growing up, there was maybe one woman in
the lineup as compared to like 20 guys. There’s a lot more women
surfing (now). The ratio [of women] almost gets to the same as the
men’s ratio in the water.”
Chad White even changes his tune at the end saying, “If you’re a
local somewhere, [it] doesn’t mean that your job is to be an
asshole. Maybe if you’re a local, your job is to be really
helpful.”
Topanga becoming paradise on earth (minus misdirected racial
slurs)?
Hope springs.
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Happy new-look Caio! @PaulyMatt
War-Shore
Surf star Caio Ibelli risks “unnatural
looking results” after undergoing gruelling hair transplant surgery
in Brazil!
By Derek Rielly
See and marvel at Caio's miraculous
transformation!
The Brazilian Caio Ibelli, he with the flawless
patrician features and rosebud month who, repeatedly, garrotts
world champion surfers, mostly John John Florence and Gabriel
Media, but also including Kelly Slater, has undergone
gruelling hair transplant surgery at a clinic in Brazil.
Details of the surgery are in Portuguese but the images are
clear, Ibelli had been fighting baldness for at least five or so
years, and has finally zigged where others, Slater, Julian Wilson,
zagged.
Knowing little about the process, oh you should run your fingers
through my lion’s mane, a rich nut brown with only a few grey
tendrils, I asked AI to write five hundred words on the process in
BeachGrit’s houses style.
Ah, my dear friends, today we embark on a follicular journey
of epic proportions, a subject that many of us, at some point in
our lives, have contemplated with both awe and trepidation: the
hair transplant. Yes, that’s right, the miraculous transformation
from a barren scalp to a luscious mane worthy of a Greek god. So,
gather ’round, my follicle-challenged comrades, as we dive
headfirst into the world of hair transplants, where vanity meets
science in a symphony of hope and self-esteem restoration.
Picture this: a man (or woman) staring at his reflection in
the mirror, his eyes locked on that ever-expanding bald spot, that
cruel reminder of the inexorable passage of time. The receding
hairline, the thinning crown – it’s a sight that can crush one’s
confidence faster than a steamroller over a paper cup. But fret
not, for in the modern age, we have a secret weapon against
follicular despair: the hair transplant.
Now, you might wonder how this magic trick is performed.
Well, it’s a dance of art and science, a tango between skilled
surgeons and the marvels of medical technology. First, there’s the
extraction phase, where healthy hair follicles are harvested from a
donor site (often the back of the head), which typically boasts an
abundance of lush, resistant hair. It’s like plucking the juiciest
grapes from a vineyard.
Once these precious grafts are harvested, it’s time for the
main act – the transplantation. The surgeon, armed with a
fine-tipped needle or microblade, delicately implants these
follicles into the barren wasteland of the recipient area, creating
a new forest of hair where there once was a desolate plain. It’s
like reforesting a deforested landscape, only with hair. The
precision required is nothing short of surgical artistry, and in
the hands of a skilled practitioner, the results can be truly
breathtaking.
But, my dear readers, don’t be fooled into thinking that a
hair transplant is a simple procedure with immediate, flawless
results. Oh no, it’s a journey, a slow and steady march toward
follicular redemption. After the surgery, there’s a recovery
period, during which the newly transplanted hairs shed, leaving you
with a temporary but nonetheless disconcerting hairless look. It’s
like a caterpillar in its cocoon, undergoing a transformation into
a magnificent butterfly.
Patience is the name of the game here, for in the weeks and
months that follow, those dormant hair follicles gradually awaken
from their slumber, sprouting new strands of hair. It’s like a
symphony slowly building to its crescendo – a crescendo of
confidence and newfound glory.
Of course, as with any endeavor, there are risks and
potential pitfalls. Infection, scarring, and unnatural-looking
results are all possible outcomes if the procedure is not performed
by a skilled and experienced surgeon. But fear not, for the world
of hair transplantation has come a long way. Modern techniques,
such as follicular unit transplantation (FUT) and follicular unit
extraction (FUE), have greatly improved the safety and naturalness
of the results.
Now, my friends, let’s address the elephant in the room –
cost. Hair transplants are not for the faint of wallet. The price
tag can vary widely depending on the extent of the procedure and
the geographic location of the clinic. But consider this an
investment in yourself, an investment in confidence and
self-assuredness that can pay dividends for years to come.
In conclusion, the world of hair transplants is a world of
hope, a world where science and art converge to restore not just
hair but also self-esteem and confidence. It’s a journey of
patience, with the promise of a lush, vibrant mane at the end of
the road. So, if you find yourself gazing at your reflection with
follicular despair, remember that there’s a path to follicular
redemption, and it’s paved with skilled surgeons, cutting-edge
technology, and a dash of vanity. Embrace it, my friends, and let
your hair flourish like a field of wildflowers in the
springtime.
