"It is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust," writes Lupita Nyong’o.

At the turn of the new year, the surfing world was treated to news that beloved broadcaster Selema Masekela, the Los Angeles-born occasional surf commentator, had hitched his considerable caboose (protein bars!) to the film star Lupita Nyong’o.

Selema, who is fifty-two, is the sort of person who would put anyone under his spell. As I may’ve mentioned a couple months back, I met the extreme sports identity at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch in 2017.

Occupying one of the bench seats in the Surf Ranch’s heated jacuzzi aprés our allotted waves was Sal, he was Sal back then, and just as I was about to enter the swirling maelstrom, heated to a pleasing one hundred degrees and offering needed respite from the winter cold and a possible cure for a dreadful hangover, his telephone rang.

Sal asked me to rummage through his colourful outfit which was bundled on a barrel, enough clothes to suggest, or was I hoping, he was nude in the tank, and to pick it up.

It was Kelly Slater.

“Answer it,” he commanded, which I did.

Kelly Slater remained silent when he heard my voice, an early portent of the blood feud that would simmer for the following six years.

After a howl of laughter and some chortling Sal hung up. Despite an expanded adiposity, he gobbled protein bar after protein bar, informing me of the health-giving properties of the foil-wrapped chocolate chip treats.

Stories flowed like a river of honey and I left, like everyone who spun in his orbit that day, a fan for life.

I didn’t heard from Sal again and only knew in passing that he’d transitioned to Selema.

In January this year, Chas wrote that Selema and Lupita Nyong’o had not only made public their declaration of love but had spent four million dollars on a a sprawling $4 million Los Angeles home together.

Nine months later, the relationship is in ruins, with Lupita Nyong’o publishing an unflattering picture of their affair on Instagram.

“At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust,” writes Lupita Nyong’o, who won an Oscar for her performance in 12 Years a Slave. “I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception… I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love. And so, I am choosing to face the pain, cultivating the courage to meet my life exactly as it is, and trusting that this too shall pass.”

The actual act of catastrophic deception is left for the reader to decode but is it possible Selema may’ve forgot to mention he is estranged from BeachGrit’s own Chas Smith, often described as the “voice of surfing”, or was it his savaging by Black Girls Surf’s Rhonda Harper whose online tirade included the unkind epithet “Uncle Tom.” 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Lupita Nyong’o (@lupitanyongo)

Thoughts, prayers and so on for the great Mike Stewart as Kelly Slater hints at conspiracy.

For all his zen and humbleness, Mike Stewart must surely look at Kelly Slater and feel just a little bit of green in his heart.

Kelly Slater has operated in a world of big time sponsorship dollars, mainstream media appearances, a relatively stable and continuous now billionaire funded world tour with a quality series, full-time professional athletes, coaches, trainers, post-heat interview sponsor hat putter on guy, commentators….you get the point.

Kelly Slater has so engrained himself into the very DNA of surfing’s world tour when he failed to qualify after the mid-season cut this year he was most dubiously handed wild cards into the rest of the events, because, well he’s Kelly Slater.

Mike, at sixty years old mind, conversely started his 2023 campaign in what is now the International Bodyboarding Corporation (IBC) world tour by surfing from the trial rounds in many events after not securing a seeding last year after a shoulder injury sidelined him from many events.

(The IBC is essentially a promoters group who sanction events under the IBC banner if they meet certain financial and promotional criteria. Like the old ASP I suppose, but without the big surf clothing companies to prop it up and make it look all nice and flashy.)

The final IBC event of the year is the Fronton Pro, held at a wildly slabbing split peak which historically pumps. It’s far and away the best and most prestigious contest on the tour and attracts the largest number of potential competitors.

Now while Mike hasn’t set the world on fire in competition this year, he’d made it through enough heats in previous IBC contests to have himself seeded into the four round of competition at the Fronton Pro.

Our story really begins when Mike was unable to make it in person to the official riders check in meeting held on the 11th of October. Stewart maintains that he contacted IBC officials prior to the check in meeting that he would be unable to attend as he was still travelling from Java and had his sponsored team rider and current world tour leader Tanner McDaniel pay his entry fee and pick up his contest information package at the check in meeting.

However, because he failed to physically attend the check in meeting, Stewart was then informed by IBC officials that he would be stripped of his place in the fourth round and would have to again surf from the first round trials if he wished to compete in the main event.

Stewart has subsequently withdrawn from the competition maintaining that “there’s no rule in the rule book that they can strip my ranking.”

In a passionate piece to camera on social media Stewart states he is taking his position to ensure it doesn’t happen again to riders in the future and likens IBC officials to a “dictatorship regime” that are “completely unaccountable to anyone”.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Mike Stewart (@mikestewart)

So how valid is Stewart’s claim? A quick perusal of the IBC’s rule book throws up a few curly quotes.

Article 1.5.03 states “Failure to confirm intention to compete pursuant to 1.20.02 will result in loss of any seeding that competitor may have had going into the event.”

Article 1.6.03 gives us “Once a competitor is deemed to have entered an event, it will be assumed that they will compete at the event. Entrants are expected to confirm their attendance at an event check-in, details of which will be provided to all entrants prior to event commencement.”

In a separate email sent to all registered competitors regarding the competition check in meeting it was also stated, “Those competitors who do not attend without justification may be penalized in the competition and not receive their competitors kit”.

So, was Stewart’s contacting of officials prior to the event in writing that he would be competing enough to tick off his attendance?

Was it really necessary for the IBC to physically sight Mike Stewart, a man who’s been competing in every form of high level bodyboarding competition since 1982, has sat on multiple riders board committees, who helps sponsor events and also makes appearances in the IBC commentary booth to confirm that he was going to compete in the Fronton Event?

The fall out on social media is almost a landslide in favour of Mike’s position.

Damian Hobgood wrote, “Sorry Mike, pretty disrespectful that the goat of bodyboarding would be getting treated like this.”

Johnny Boy Gomes threw in “F#%k All Them & Their BS 🤬 Competition now days is a Circus run by Clowns🤡”

Tension series creator Chris White suggested, “Take a dump at the check in tent, see if that’s in the rule book.”

And Kelly Slater?

Well Kelly being Kelly smelled a conspiracy, “Sounds like Mike laid it out pretty objectively here and cried about nothing. Sounds like someone is glad he’s not in the event.”

Whatever the true story is, for a man who has won nine world titles and is all but a demigod in the bodyboarding world to bow out of professional competition after 41 years on a rule book technicality doesn’t seem fitting.

It wouldn’t have happened to Kelly.

When he was paddling in after the attack he thought, “If I lose my leg I’m getting a prosthetic like Mike Coots so I can surf again.”

A wild old tale of survival in the news this morn after a fifty-year-old surfer survived a shark attack by giving the animal hell and jamming his fingers into its nostrils. 

Kevin Kanehe was surfing at Hanalei Bay, yeah the same joint that Andy and Bruce owned in the early 2000’s, when the shark, a fifteen-foot tiger, hit him on the leg. 

According to an account posted on his GoFundMe page, 31k of 75k raised ‘cause this is the US and ain’t no government gonna pull you outta your hole shark attack or not,

“He was paddling for a wave, sat up on his board to turn around and got hit hard from the left side. People that saw it have guessed 12-15 foot tiger shark. 

“The jaws grabbed ahold of his left leg and Kevin used his hands to try to lift it off, one of his fingers went in its nostrils and then it let go. Later the doctor said if it had clamped down and completed the bite he would have lost his leg

“Kevin paddled in with the help of Jeff McBride.”

On the beach a gal had a tourniquet and bandages to staunch the flow of claret. 

“The bite went to the bone above and below his knee, taking some chips off his femur, knee cap and tibia. He his knee was torn up pretty bad and into his joint too.There is still concern for infection.

“Dr. Ravinsky did a great job with the surgery to repair all he could with what was still there but Some muscle tissue was lost. His right hand ring and pinky fingers were sliced open and tendons cut. He will have surgery today to repair.

“He will remain in the hospital and the recovery will be tough, Doctor says maybe a year before full recovery.

“Everyone has said how calm Kevin was throughout it all. His state of mind is good and he remembers every detail and thought he had.

“I can’t believe when he was paddling in moments after it happened his thought was, “If I lose my leg I’m going to get a prosthetic like Mike Coots so I can surf again.”

The Hanalei attack has echoes of the Great White hit on Toby Begg at Port Macquarie a couple of months back. 

Begg was dragged so far underwater it went dark and he thought he was going to drown. He was only able to swim for the surface after his foot ripped off at the ankle. 

Back on the surface, the White hit him again, Begg scrunching into a ball, which would save his life, but causing his leg to take most of the impact.

“Then he was on the surface punching it in the head for ages,” said our source in Port Mac. “Both his hands were balloons from hitting it. After 30 seconds it let go and he started paddling in. It’d severed the femoral artery in his leg and the only thing that saved him was there was a doctor and emergency room nurse walking on the beach (separately who didn’t know each other).”

Lesson? Hit the cunts and pray for a medico on the beach.