Nyong'o and Masekela enjoying their "lovely place" for now. Photo: @lupitanyongo
Nyong'o and Masekela enjoying their "lovely place" for now. Photo: @lupitanyongo

Film superstar Lupita Nyong’o and freshly-outed surf broadcaster beau Sal Masekela stun public, purchase apocalyptic “Hotel California” home together!

You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

But right when you thought that Lupita Nyong’o and Selema Masekela had lost their spot as surfing-adjacent’s hottest couple to Strider Wasilewski’s brother Mescal and Full House darling Jody Sweetin, the movie superstar and her freshly-minted surf broadcaster beau go ahead and crank the burner to wow.

The Hollywood Reporter has revealed that the two just purchased a sprawling $4 million Los Angeles home together.

Per the story:

Hidden securely away behind a steel-gated driveway, on over two-acres of heavily wooded land resting at the end of a secluded one-way street, the contemporary steel, glass and cement structure is described as “self-sustainable” in the listing, complete with its own solar, backup power, home automation and filtration systems. There are four bedrooms and five baths in the three-level living space — all of it boasting floor-to-ceiling walls of glass offering up sweeping ocean, hillside and canyon views.

Particularly standing out is a living room sporting a fireplace and sliding glass doors spilling out to a spacious balcony, as well as a wet bar-equipped dining area. A fireside lounge connects to a gourmet kitchen, which is outfitted with bamboo cabinetry, quartz countertops, an eat-in island, and a plethora of top-tier Viking, Wolf and Sub-Zero appliances.

Congratulations to the happy couple but a few quick worries.

$4 million dollars for a Los Angeles home, especially one sitting on 2.5 acres of land with ocean views, is… hard to comprehend. Like, truly a near impossibility especially when considering top-tier kitchen appliances.

Further research suggests the home is somewhere off Topanga Canyon but sitting at the end of a one way street?

The happy couple could only have purchased the heavily distressed Hotel California.

A place where you can check in anytime but you can never leave.

Light a candle for their safety?


Yves Saint Laurent (pictured) dreaming of surf. Photo: YSL film
Yves Saint Laurent (pictured) dreaming of surf. Photo: YSL film

Luxury house Saint Laurent wows high society, offers exclusive must-have $25,000 surfboard!

Invest in your future.

Christmas is over, the fattened goose consumed entirely, her bones boiled into a healthy broth that will be forgotten in the back of the refrigerator. But did you get what you wanted from your loved one or ones? A high-end leather wallet? Maybe a cardigan from Anna Sui? Well, if not don’t you worry as you are an adult who can purchase your own goods.

Some Rivvia trunks, deeply discounted?

A surfboard from luxury house Saint Laurent that, while not deeply discounted, comes in the shade of chrome.

Shaped in collaboration with UWL, a very chic French shop, the board comes in the shade of chrome, as mentioned, and retails for $25,000.

No dimensions given.

While you may guffaw at the price, imagine how boss you’d feel paddling out at your local on it and perching in the lineup.

I’d have to think it would be such a power move that many more good things would come your way. A promotion at work all the way to the tippy-top. Love interests emerging from all corners. Recognition as a man, or woman, of power and taste.

Invest in your future.

Julian Wilson, seconds after Olympic dream crushed by "judges, Brazilian bias!"

Wild discounts offered on jaw-dropping debut clothing range from surfer Olympian described as having “a vitality that mimics its creator that can be measured at the root of the belly where the phallus rises thick and arching!”

New year sale on poom-poom shorts and off-the-shoulder tees!

Four months ago, Julian Wilson released the debut clothing range of his brand Rivvia Projects, the handle a portmanteaux of the names of his two kids River and Olivia.

Rivvia Projects is an “an expression of myself, really, and all the things I’m into and passionate about,” Wilson told Monster Children, listing his favourite things as golfing, motorbiking, skating, and mountain bike riding.

Wilson, who is thirty-four, followed Kelly Slater, Dane Reynolds/Craig Anderson, John John Florence, Luke Egan into the rag-trade, Slater (Outerknown) Reynolds’ and Ando with Former, John John Florence (Florence Marine X) and Egan with Depactus, a brand that flew a little too close to the sun before the glue holding its wings melted and it was bought for a song by SurfStitch.

You’ll remember the hoo-ha back in 2020, of course, when Wilson, a former world #2 and Pipe Master, sued his old sponsor Hurley for $US1.5 million claiming they’d become “increasingly toxic” in the professional surfing world and that “Hurley [sought] to profit from the worldwide health pandemic” by claiming that he’d breached his contract by not participating in surf contests that were cancelled due to COVID-19.

As the lovely college boy Cedar Hobbs reported,

The complaint claims that “at the time . . . ‘Bluestar [was] reportedly looking for loopholes in contracts for even the most high-profile athletes to use as leverage to renegotiate terms.’”

Anyway, water under the bridge, as they say and Rivvia, which occupies the classic medium price point space, has soared beyond any imagination.

And, to celebrate the end of the year and the welcoming of all the good times just beyond, Wilson has heavily discounted a significant number of his better pieces, including the Pink Trails poom-poom shorts, the lilac Future Hood and his classic black hoodie.

Hoodies are sixty dollars, Australian, instead of a c-note, the trunks fifty-ish instead of ninety.

Medium sized gents might find it a little hard to get sizes, for fatties, 34-inch waists and beyond, there’s an abundance. 

Miami Vice making new vice in Miami. Photo: Miami Vice
Miami Vice making new vice in Miami. Photo: Miami Vice

Traditionally staid Associated Press shocks readers with vulgar description of new beach anti-smoking ban in Miami: “Forget about showing any butts!”

Naughty words.

Miami area surfers are set to wake up the very first day of 2023 to a great shock. Namely, they will no longer be able to smoke on the beach before, or after, rare local sessions generally brought about by hurricanes or the like.

Marlboro, out.

Camel, no more.

Those who dare smoke after the gong of midnight on January 1st will be met with a $100 fine and 60 day stint in jail.


Two whole months behind bars.

Miami Beach City Commissioner Alex Fernandez declared the draconian new law was meant to protect the area’s natural charm, saying, “This paradise is an important economic engine. Cigarette butts are not the butts our 18 million visitors want to see. This new law will help keep our paradise clean and beautiful.”


The normally staid Associated Press, founded in 1846, took the City Commissioner’s “cheeky” tone as license to vulgar, penning, “Starting New Year’s Day, you can still wear bikinis on the beaches of Miami Beach, but forget about showing any butts — cigarette butts, that is.”

Readers, unused to flowery reports and naughty word play, became extremely troubled, some fainting whilst passers-by furiously fanned them, wafting smelling salts under their noses.

Others vomited while calling for an immediate retraction.


What might have been (pictured). Photo: Unchill
What might have been (pictured). Photo: Unchill

Joy for kooks violently torched with Body Glove tandem inflatable 2-person stand-up paddleboard being recalled as “drowning hazard” days after Christmas!

What might have been.

Zach could not have been more excited for Christmas morning. The thirty-four-year-old serial entrepreneur, and outdoor enthusiast, had already had a wonderful year but X-mas morning, oh X-mas morning was going to be the icing on 2022’s cake. He had been in a relationship, you see, with his partner for eight months, now, after meeting them (pronouns: she/them with “them” representing allyship) while walking his French bulldog, Bodhi, near the beach in Santa Monica. Or, rather, bumped right into them.

He had been studying the waves, really taking in the peelers and imagining himself dropping in, feeling the rush on his brand-new 7-foot fish. Having taken up surfing during Covid, Zach had really impressed his buddies by graduating from Wavestorm to 9-foot Pro-Tech to the fish.

They called him “Big Ripper.”

So there he was, brain ripping, when bump!

He apologized profusely, of course, mumbling that he had been in the curl, mentally.

“In the curl?” she responded. “Do you surf?”

He nodded vigorously, she smiled and the two instantly began sharing dream trips.

His, Pipeline.

Theirs, The Box.

From then on they were practically inseparable, enjoying third-wave coffee from small Costa Rican fincas in the morning, glasses of natural chardonnay in the evening and before either knew it, the holiday season was upon them.

While both were “spiritual,” they agreed that organized religion caused most of the troubles in the world and hated consumerism but he just couldn’t help himself when he found the perfect gift.

The Body Glove tandem inflatable 2-person stand-up paddleboard.

Oh he imagined all the fun they would have, paddling together through the lineup, taking a breaker every now and again.

And she was just as thrilled as he had hoped when she had removed the bow squealing “Waimea here we come!” with delight.

Then the news broke.

They were snuggled up watching John Oliver absolutely shred Donald Trump when he looked at his Apple News alerts and read “Surf 9 Recalls Body Glove Tandem and ULI Inflatable Paddle Boards Due to Drowning Hazard; Sold Exclusively at Costco.

He couldn’t go on as his eyes began to burn so she finished reading out loud.

Name of Product: Body Glove Tandem Inflatable Stand Up Paddle Board, ULI Inventor Inflatable Paddle Board, ULI Zettian Inflatable Supyak and ULI Lila Inflatable Supyak

Hazard: The glue on the inflatable paddle boards can separate at the seams and the paddle boards can deflate unexpectedly, posing a drowning hazard.

Remedy: Refund

Recall Date: December 29, 2022

X-Mas officially ruined.