Naughty words.

Miami area surfers are set to wake up the very first day of 2023 to a great shock. Namely, they will no longer be able to smoke on the beach before, or after, rare local sessions generally brought about by hurricanes or the like.

Marlboro, out.

Camel, no more.

Those who dare smoke after the gong of midnight on January 1st will be met with a $100 fine and 60 day stint in jail.

Whoa.

Two whole months behind bars.

Miami Beach City Commissioner Alex Fernandez declared the draconian new law was meant to protect the area’s natural charm, saying, “This paradise is an important economic engine. Cigarette butts are not the butts our 18 million visitors want to see. This new law will help keep our paradise clean and beautiful.”

Racy.

The normally staid Associated Press, founded in 1846, took the City Commissioner’s “cheeky” tone as license to vulgar, penning, “Starting New Year’s Day, you can still wear bikinis on the beaches of Miami Beach, but forget about showing any butts — cigarette butts, that is.”

Readers, unused to flowery reports and naughty word play, became extremely troubled, some fainting whilst passers-by furiously fanned them, wafting smelling salts under their noses.

Others vomited while calling for an immediate retraction.

Butts.

What might have been.

Zach could not have been more excited for Christmas morning. The thirty-four-year-old serial entrepreneur, and outdoor enthusiast, had already had a wonderful year but X-mas morning, oh X-mas morning was going to be the icing on 2022’s cake. He had been in a relationship, you see, with his partner for eight months, now, after meeting them (pronouns: she/them with “them” representing allyship) while walking his French bulldog, Bodhi, near the beach in Santa Monica. Or, rather, bumped right into them.

He had been studying the waves, really taking in the peelers and imagining himself dropping in, feeling the rush on his brand-new 7-foot fish. Having taken up surfing during Covid, Zach had really impressed his buddies by graduating from Wavestorm to 9-foot Pro-Tech to the fish.

They called him “Big Ripper.”

So there he was, brain ripping, when bump!

He apologized profusely, of course, mumbling that he had been in the curl, mentally.

“In the curl?” she responded. “Do you surf?”

He nodded vigorously, she smiled and the two instantly began sharing dream trips.

His, Pipeline.

Theirs, The Box.

From then on they were practically inseparable, enjoying third-wave coffee from small Costa Rican fincas in the morning, glasses of natural chardonnay in the evening and before either knew it, the holiday season was upon them.

While both were “spiritual,” they agreed that organized religion caused most of the troubles in the world and hated consumerism but he just couldn’t help himself when he found the perfect gift.

The Body Glove tandem inflatable 2-person stand-up paddleboard.

Oh he imagined all the fun they would have, paddling together through the lineup, taking a breaker every now and again.

And she was just as thrilled as he had hoped when she had removed the bow squealing “Waimea here we come!” with delight.

Then the news broke.

They were snuggled up watching John Oliver absolutely shred Donald Trump when he looked at his Apple News alerts and read “Surf 9 Recalls Body Glove Tandem and ULI Inflatable Paddle Boards Due to Drowning Hazard; Sold Exclusively at Costco.”

He couldn’t go on as his eyes began to burn so she finished reading out loud.

Name of Product: Body Glove Tandem Inflatable Stand Up Paddle Board, ULI Inventor Inflatable Paddle Board, ULI Zettian Inflatable Supyak and ULI Lila Inflatable Supyak

Hazard: The glue on the inflatable paddle boards can separate at the seams and the paddle boards can deflate unexpectedly, posing a drowning hazard.

Remedy: Refund

Recall Date: December 29, 2022

X-Mas officially ruined.

"Our tamariki are particularly susceptible to strong currents, and with all the water we have seen moving about they can quickly be swept away.”

Oh the ever-present joys of being a parent. Those, here, who count themselves amongst the lucky know well how situational awareness is spiked and especially during those early baby/toddler years though not abating into the pre-teens nor beyond. Of course, levels of protection can, and certainly should, be debated. Is a helmet necessary for every wheel’d activity, for example?

Or at what age is paddling out alone ok?

Well, New Zealand parents have found themselves on the sharp end of a frustrated surf lifesaving chief executive, this holiday week, as their young children are being swept out into the wild surf en masse.

Extremely laissez-faire.

Matt Williams released an “urgent” plea to the folk, declaring that “watching your kids from shore is not enough.” “Please don’t overestimate your ability or your children’s ability to cope in the conditions,” he continued. “They should be within an arm’s reach. Our tamariki are particularly susceptible to strong currents, and with all the water we have seen moving about they can quickly be swept away.”

Emphasizing his point, a story was shared about a seven-year-old boy who went for a little beach jog only to get caught up in some messy surf and carried three kilometers down the beach.

Yikes.

But a fun adventure for the little man?

Exciting and life affirming?

Also, will New Zealand’s next great surfer come from a longer leash from parents?

Something to ponder.

And in other beach activity related news, here is a three hour loop of the football scene in Top Gun: Maverick.

Enjoy.