"You never realize how many people you just don't like until you try to name a baby."
It is, officially, April every single where in the world. New life springing in its northern hemisphere. Trees sprouting green buds. Birds and bees doing their thang. A glorious time with maybe the most glorious growing in the Kelly Slater home. Yes, the greatest surfer to ever do it announced, after his miraculous Bells Beach heat win, that he and longtime Chinese girlfriend Kalani Miller were expecting a baby boy.
Both, as it turns out, gifts from surf journalist Chas Smith.
I had seen, like everyone else, Slater’s decline in recent months. An inability to muster the 6.37 + 5.89 totals required to win heats on the World Surf League’s Championship Tour and I didn’t want it to end this way. Decades upon decades of dominance merely fizzling. And, so, I planted a spite seed in the GOAT’s heart, openly declaring and repeating that he would never win again thereby guaranteeing a spite victory. I knew this would be hard on the 54-year-old and so I also declared his unborn child would be a girl thereby certificating a spite son.
But as happens with heavy magic, things seem to have careened out of control. In an overnight social media post, the 11-time champ declared, “You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby.
Slater, up late, making a sort of enemies list. Furiously crossing out Chas Slater, Rob Slater, Clifton James Slater, Hakeem Slater, Elon Slater, et. al.
Spite gone wild.
And as mother of this invention, I now understand how Dr. Oppenheimer felt after creating the first atomic bomb. That wow moment quickly replaced by uh oh.
Will Kelly Slater’s spite spew have unintended naughty consequences? Many innocents maligned? Or will he be able to reign it in?
Also, should we make a betting pool as to name of the li’l fella? It’s for absolutely sure going to be island-infused.
Kai Slater.
Keanu Slater.
Jamie O’Slater.
What you got?
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Days Later Slater aka Later Dayz Slater.
Bottons Keliokalani Slater
Minute.
Minute Slater.
Why does Chad keep referring to his ‘Chinese’ girlfriend? Starting to sound a bit like Donny
AI Slater?
It’s settled then. Kelly Kelly Slater it is.
How is your name even allowed. Excellent stuff.
Xox
The son of God shall be named Jesus slater. Or the son of a goat – Kid slater.
Kellie Slater
Hollow Stare Sociopath Slater
Dad was Smelly Skater in Gonadman, after Gonadman escaped from the Home for Broken Down Ex-pro Surfers in Byron Bay, so he could riff on that?
OR, instead of Turtle Slater, why not Pelican Slater? Little Pelly Slater.
I recommend. — word play *my daughter, Jessica Ann (or yes I can)
She is Doctor Yes I Can. – NOW
He should name they/them Pamela?
Dolphin slater
Statistically it has to be Mohammed
Master Slater
Gater Slater
Its going to be Junior for sure , named over the only person Kelly ever really loved
Kid
Zen is taken
how about an australian…..Bug Slater!
Kong Slater has a ring to it as does keating slater
Tony Abbott Slater.
That’s what he deserves
Either way they are all cunts