Kelly Slater (pictured) thinking about what not to name his son.
Kelly Slater (pictured) thinking about what not to name his son.

Breaking: Spite spirals out of control in surf star Kelly Slater!

"You never realize how many people you just don't like until you try to name a baby."

It is, officially, April every single where in the world. New life springing in its northern hemisphere. Trees sprouting green buds. Birds and bees doing their thang. A glorious time with maybe the most glorious growing in the Kelly Slater home. Yes, the greatest surfer to ever do it announced, after his miraculous Bells Beach heat win, that he and longtime Chinese girlfriend Kalani Miller were expecting a baby boy.

Both, as it turns out, gifts from surf journalist Chas Smith.

I had seen, like everyone else, Slater’s decline in recent months. An inability to muster the 6.37 + 5.89 totals required to win heats on the World Surf League’s Championship Tour and I didn’t want it to end this way. Decades upon decades of dominance merely fizzling. And, so, I planted a spite seed in the GOAT’s heart, openly declaring and repeating that he would never win again thereby guaranteeing a spite victory. I knew this would be hard on the 54-year-old and so I also declared his unborn child would be a girl thereby certificating a spite son.

But as happens with heavy magic, things seem to have careened out of control. In an overnight social media post, the 11-time champ declared, “You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby.”

Slater, up late, making a sort of enemies list. Furiously crossing out Chas Slater, Rob Slater, Clifton James Slater, Hakeem Slater, Elon Slater, et. al.

Spite gone wild.

And as mother of this invention, I now understand how Dr. Oppenheimer felt after creating the first atomic bomb. That wow moment quickly replaced by uh oh.

Will Kelly Slater’s spite spew have unintended naughty consequences? Many innocents maligned? Or will he be able to reign it in?

Also, should we make a betting pool as to name of the li’l fella? It’s for absolutely sure going to be island-infused.

Kai Slater.

Keanu Slater.

Jamie O’Slater.

What you got?

Chas Smith reacts to Easter crucifixion of Gabriel Medina at Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach

"Has the World Surf League set up the judges as sacrificial lambs in order for them to be taken to Brazil and murdered in the streets?"

In the latest episode of Chas Hates Surfing, the best-selling author Chas Smith weighs in on the Easter crucifixion of three-time Brazilian world champ Gabriel Medina at the Rip Curl Bells Beach Pro.

After a shock loss in his round of 32 heat to San Clemente rookie Cole Housemand over Easter, thirty-year-old Gabriel Medina unleashed in his post-heat interview with Laura Enever describing it as “the worst judging I’ve ever seen.”

His BFF, soccer ace Neymar, agreed, describing the result as “routine.” Neymar also used emojis to describe the judges as clowns. 

Gabriel  Medina claimed he’d long been underscored by the judges (although it’s difficult to explain his three world titles) saying, “It’s bad for the sport, I’ve been through a lot of judging things but I feel like this is the worst one.… we pretend it’s not happening. It’s happening. It’s bad for the sport.”

Gabriel Medina’s outburst follows a long proud line of Brazilians complaining about losing, notably in El Salvador and at Surf Ranch.

Despite the apparent bias, Filipe Toledo’s two world titles were gifted in two-foot waves and Brazilians have won every world title since 2018.

Chas Smith asks, “Do the judges deserve it? On one hand, yes, the judges are…human. And they made a mistake.”


“Has the World Surf League set up the judges as sacrificial lambs in order for them to be taken to Brazil and murdered in the streets? That would be very good views. That would be must-see TV.”


Surfer Magazine's scurrilous attack on Kelly Slater the beginning of the end?
Surfer Magazine's scurrilous attack on Kelly Slater the beginning of the end?

Robot war breaks out as computer generated website savages AI-powered Surfer Magazine over dangerous Kelly Slater claim

"The situation took an odd turn when Surfer Magazine, employing AI-generated content, steered the narrative towards a far darker and bizarre accusation."

The apocalypse is certainly shaping up exactly how 1980s filmmakers envisioned. Robots have taken over, more or less, masquerading as real humans, sometimes, and working on various tasks from filling donuts with sweet cream to penning whole surf websites. Yes, The Arena Group, which came to own the defunct Surfer Magazine almost one year ago, immediately turned to semi-competent artificially intelligent “writers” in order to keep up with heavy surf and surf adjacent information demands. “Emily Morgan,” “Jake Howard” and others inundated readers with bizarre takes on the surfing life, continuing to publish even after The Arena Group got entirely busted for the ethical no no.

Well, in a turn James Cameron saw coming, the robots have begun to turn on each other.

Days ago, the Surfer bot accused living legend Kelly Slater of attempted murder. The actionable claim was immediately denounced by experienced surf journalists attuned to the intricacies of surfers’ psychological makeups, though, in a surprise, also attacked by artificial intelligence itself.

Per YTECH News:

In the realm of professional surfing, rumors and psychological warfare are as much a part of the sport as the waves themselves. Recently, a peculiar controversy emerged involving Kelly Slater, an 11-time world champion, who ostensibly appeared unmotivated at the start of the 2024 World Surf League season despite receiving a season-long wildcard. Slater, known for his intense competitive spirit, reportedly needed an emotional spark to regain his form.

An experienced surf journalist, attuned to the intricacies of the surfers’ psychological makeup, speculated that motivating Slater would require invoking a sense of spite, a known catalyst for his prior triumphs. Efforts to psychologically stimulate Slater involved both overt predictions about his competitive decline and subtle suggestions about his personal life.

The situation took an odd turn when Surfer Magazine, employing AI-generated content, steered the narrative towards a far darker and bizarre accusation. The publication’s AI implied that Slater had engaged in a dangerously aggressive maneuver against fellow competitor Ryan Callinan, virtually accusing him of attempted murder—a claim that was not only unfounded but also bewildering in its intent and reasoning. The accusation pointed to the limitations and erratic nature of AI-generated journalism in sports, raising questions about the ethical use of such technology.

Odd turn indeed.

For the sake of truth and reconciliation, I hope that the Surfer bot “feels” bad and ceases its scurrilousness. I fear, though, that both sides, not understanding the nuances of surf fights, push it way to far and unloose nuclear warheads upon the other.

AI-Kelly Slater, hopefully, survives. He looks very tough though surfs goofy.


AI Kelly.
AI Kelly.

More as the story develops… if the sun comes up tomorrow.

Neymar Jr weighs in on pro surfing judging controversy involving long-time guy pal Gabriel Medina

If you're camp Houshmand, does Neymar Jr's certainty swing you to the side of Gabriel Medina? 

It is impossible to appreciate the phenomenal star power of Brazil’s Gabriel Medina.The thirty-year-old triple world champ is adored and feted by his country’s biggest names, including although not limited to soccer ace Neymar Jr.

Medina traded video messages with Brazil’s right-wing president Jair Bolsonaro until his glorious presidency came to a close, enjoys the company of the poon-shaking singer Anitta, famous for her tight miniskirts, sequinned silver halters and precarious heels, was briefly married to the much older Sports Illustrated model Yasmin Brunet and is “wildly close” to soccer superstar Neymar Jr. 

In one of the lovelier rumours to circle world sports a couple of years back, Brazilian news outlets speculated that the relationship between Medina and Neymar Jr had blossomed into something more substantial, although this was never proved.

The big-wave star Pedro “Scooby” Vianna is also rumoured to be a lover of Neymar Jr.

(From a story by JP Currie, The allegations came via a Brazilian woman who identifies as an “influencer”, a term I find so distasteful I won’t mention her name. She alleges that she and another woman joined Neymar and Scooby for a foursome, but that the two men were far more interested in each other.)

Anyway, you’ll be aware of the controversy surrounding Gabriel Medina after was he soundly thrashed by tour rookie Cole Houshmand at Winki and then went all nuke on the post-heat mic saying the fix was in etc.


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A post shared by World Surf League (@wsl)

Laura Enever asked Medina about his fatal mistake, letting big boy Housmand loose on a wave while he had priority. 

He looked at Laura like she crazy.

“Ah, this is funny…this is the worst judging I’ve ever seen,” he said, aristocratic face haunted more than usual. 

“It’s bad for the sport, I’ve been through a lot of judging things but I feel like this is the worst one.… we pretend it’s not happening. It’s happening. It’s bad for the sport.

“The last wave was pretty small, I didn’t even paddle… this is sad. yeah, so much… (long sigh) I just feel bad. It sucks.”

Fury, many tears followed. 

And, now, Neymar Jr is all over Gabriel’s Instagram comments.

“It’s become a routine,” Neymar Jr wrote before opening a new comment pane to paste a dozen clown emojis.

As of a few minutes ago, the two posts had accumulated almost five thousand likes and one hundred replies.

If you’re camp Houshmand, does Neymar Jr’s certainty swing you to the side of Gabriel Medina?

And, if you’re already on the side of Gabriel Medina does the fury inside threaten to burst you open like a big bubble?


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A post shared by Gabriel Medina (@gabrielmedina)

Watch Cole Houshmand’s glorious victory again, here.


Jon Pyzel and John John Florence, surfboard shaper and surfboard rider.
Jon Pyzel, transcendentally sexy surfboard shaper and his famous teamrider Johnny Boy Florence.

Why your Next Surfboard Should Come With An Instruction Manual

Come jump onto the lap of Mr Jon Pyzel and let’s jam on the complexity of design and how you should approach your new board (warily!)… 

I’ve learned by now that unless a surfboard conforms to a set of very narrow, and specific, strictures, I’m screwed. It’s gotta be five ten or six-o, wider than the norm but thinner than recommended, almost no entry rocker, a dirty big straight section through the guts, and a pretty wild kick in the tail.

Outline-wise, I like curves. I get my speed from the rocker.

If I get a board from a new shaper and he deviates from the formula, I’ll surf it on one wave, maybe two, then throw a For Sale sign on it. It’s not that I won’t try, I just don’t…know…what to do.

Sweet spots are sweet if you can find ‘em. If you can’t, surfing becomes tedious, difficult, impossible.

Which is why I lit up Jon Pyzel, John John Florence’s shaper since the champ was five. I wanted a shaper’s angle on how we should approach different boards purely on technique. It’s true that kids should come with an instructional manual. Surfboards ain’t any different.

Here’s how it would work in my perfect world.

You’d buy your model, Medina, Rad Ripper, Ghost, whatever it is, and you get a square of paper, folded six times, that clearly states in diagrams and words where the sweet spot is, how you should apply your stance (is it a fixed-stance sorta board, do you need to roam up and down?) and where the board can and can’t go.

For example, is it a straight-up-into-the-lip sorta shape or a nurse-your-bottom-turn-but-tons-of-down-the-line speed sled?

You’d read, you’d ride and adjust your game accordingly to the manual.

I got more questions, theories for Jon, too.

Let’s clear up a few mysteries.

I’m going to posit something. We all lose our minds over volume but I believe a forgiving rocker can solve a multitude of evils in a board. Tell me your opinion.
Pyzel: Volume is so hot right now! People are getting volume obsessed and overlooking the other aspects of design that make a board less or more user friendly. Yeah, sure, added volume (read floatation) can make a high-performance design more user friendly but as you theorise bottom rocker plays an essential role as well. A flatter rocker equals a faster board while surfing and paddling and is your best friend in average-to-below-average surf (most peoples’ day to day).

And coming from the other angle, a beautiful surfboard (perfect outline, foil, bottom curve, foil etc) can be unrideable to a certain surfer if the rocker is too high-performance.
Pyzel: Unrideable is a strong term but I agree that the lower-level surfer could be losing out on too refined a board. Average drivers don’t drive F-1 race cars to the market, so why would an average surfer choose the F-1 version of a surfboard? Here volume can help. If the surfer is a little better than average, surfing in good waves and trying hard to improve, a bit less rocker (especially up front) and a fuller outline and foil will give you a huge advantage and turn struggle into joy. I can’t tell you how often I paddle by some guy on a “Pro” type board who is not having any fun. I wish I could just hand them the board they need  and change their whole way of looking at surfing.

Now, I want our readers to up their ability. I want ‘em better after this interview. Tell me. How do you ride a high-performance surfboard, a JJ special? And don’t just say y’gotta do turns. Give me specifics, Jon, I know you got the key…
Pyzel: You can have the same characteristics of a pro-level surfboard, sensitivity, carveabilty, quick response  and liveliness, but this brings us back to volume. Everyone can ride the same designs that I am making for John John, but they need to super-size up a bit. Add some width and thickness (how you adjust volume) and you are gonna have a board that paddles better and carries speed easier.

It ain’t as easy as that. God I wish it was.
Pyzel: Of course. And then you have to put in the effort, work on wave selection, wave positioning, keeping the board in the power zone, keeping your weight in the right place, centred, not pushing too much on your front foot and bogging. Yeah, it’s harder but the rewards can be huge too.

Now let’s talk stance. Where the hell do your feet (going fast, doing turns) have to be on…

 a.) A board with a continuous rocker, fair bit of a nose and tail kick.
Pyzel: Centred to back-foot weighted is the best call. Keeping your speed up and pivoting off the tail through turns.

b.) A board with a three-stage rocker, not much nose or tail kick
Pyzel: This type of board allows for a lot of movement and has a large sweet spot so you don’t have to overthink it. Weight forward for speed, step back onto the tail to turn. Just the basics.

 c.) A goddamn super-curved high-performance surfboard…
Pyzel: If I have to tell you where to put your feet, you shouldn’t be riding this board.

The fabulous Terry Fitz famously said, build your style around your surfboard, not the other way around, unless you rip. What do you think?
Pyzel: That is rad! He’s right. If you’re riding a board that is good for you, it’s gonna lead you in the right direction and help you improve. Maybe the best thing you can do is to really take a look at how your board is working for you, paddling and surfing-wise, and see if you can’t imagine something better. Maybe a board that would help improve the chinks in your armour. Are you struggling to catch waves? Do you have trouble keeping speed and making sections? Can you wrap through a smooth cutback without digging rail? Do you want to smash the lip harder and more vert? These are things that a surfboard design can help you with. Don’t keep riding that piece of shit your friend left in your garage two years ago! Goddamn!

Are the old beginner, intermediate, advanced surfer categories outdated? I know intermediate surfers who can rotate, advanced surfers who throw their boards away? Do you think there are better, and more specific, categories? Front-foot, former skater, back-foot-learned-to-surf-in-the-nineties kinda guy?
Pyzel: Surfing is a rainbow of styles, abilities, skill sets and desires. I’m the same as you. I see kooks land airs and rippers doing old-school cutbacks to the beach. There is merit to the beginner, intermediate, advanced categories, but who really even cares? Go surf. Do what feels good. Try to have some style when you do it. Style is always in style.

Average guy, wants to be front foot, but mostly isn’t. Surfs terrible beachbreaks eleven months of the year, three days when it’s six foot and goes to Indo once a year. He’s five-ten, 170 pounds. Describe his quiver.
Pyzel: The Ghost 6’1” x 19.63” x 2.63” x 31.70L round pin, for his Indo trips and when his beachie has a decent bank. He’s gonna get in easy and can push it into the two-times overhead range in clean conditions.  It’ll fly, turn on a dime and hold as hard as he can push.

Voyager 1  6’0” x 19.00” x 2.44” x 28.80L squash,  for the good days at home and the fun-sized days in Indo. High-performace with a touch less entry rocker to keep it flowing. This is JJF’s new shorty he debuted at Snapper.

Stubby Bastard 5’11” x 19.50” x 2.44” x 29.30L squash for your every day board. The volume and width pushed up front, relaxed entry rocker for speed and paddle power, plenty of tail rocker to keep it loose and snappy. High performance with hidden help.

Sure Thing 5’9” x 19.63” x 2.44” x 30.10L double-bump squash with baby channels. The Electralite EPS construction for a great strength-weight ratio and lively feel. For weaker, slower waves or just to liven up a normal session.  Take it to Indo and get loose or make the most out of blown slop at home.

Tell me a secret about surfing technique you’ve learned from your phenomenal team rider.
Pyzel: Never claim