"You never realize how many people you just don't like until you try to name a baby."
It is, officially, April every single where in the world. New life springing in its northern hemisphere. Trees sprouting green buds. Birds and bees doing their thang. A glorious time with maybe the most glorious growing in the Kelly Slater home. Yes, the greatest surfer to ever do it announced, after his miraculous Bells Beach heat win, that he and longtime Chinese girlfriend Kalani Miller were expecting a baby boy.
Both, as it turns out, gifts from surf journalist Chas Smith.
I had seen, like everyone else, Slater’s decline in recent months. An inability to muster the 6.37 + 5.89 totals required to win heats on the World Surf League’s Championship Tour and I didn’t want it to end this way. Decades upon decades of dominance merely fizzling. And, so, I planted a spite seed in the GOAT’s heart, openly declaring and repeating that he would never win again thereby guaranteeing a spite victory. I knew this would be hard on the 54-year-old and so I also declared his unborn child would be a girl thereby certificating a spite son.
But as happens with heavy magic, things seem to have careened out of control. In an overnight social media post, the 11-time champ declared, “You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby.
Slater, up late, making a sort of enemies list. Furiously crossing out Chas Slater, Rob Slater, Clifton James Slater, Hakeem Slater, Elon Slater, et. al.
Spite gone wild.
And as mother of this invention, I now understand how Dr. Oppenheimer felt after creating the first atomic bomb. That wow moment quickly replaced by uh oh.
Will Kelly Slater’s spite spew have unintended naughty consequences? Many innocents maligned? Or will he be able to reign it in?
Also, should we make a betting pool as to name of the li’l fella? It’s for absolutely sure going to be island-infused.
Kai Slater.
Keanu Slater.
Jamie O’Slater.
What you got?