Tom Cruise (pictured) naked from the waist up. Maybe.
Tom Cruise (pictured) naked from the waist up. Maybe.

Aged male surfers gape as Tom Cruise takes shirt off on beach

Essential viewing.

An important part of surfing is, of course, getting undressed. Whether in warm climates where toplessness is required or cold where toplessness is a step from clothing to wetsuit, male surfers are forced to take off their shirts. Now, as happens, and especially with surfers, judgements of small details are both important and encouraged. Did the fellow standing nearby shave his chest, for example, and was it a good idea? Did the other fellow, showering off, drink too many beer? As the male surfer ages, these critical perceptions become even more nuanced and valuable.

Enter Tom Cruise.

The 61-year-old movie star is currently filming Mission Impossible 8 in Spain and went to the beach for a swim break thereby jettisoning his blouse.

Fox News described his “toned abs.”

Page Six opted for “chiseled physique.”

New York Post went with “ripped abs and strong muscles.”

While Daily Mail went hard rude, commenting on his “sagging” skin and openly posited that the Top Gun hero had undergone some sort of cosmetic surgery.

And, thus, your expertise is required. If you saw a topless Tom Cruise next to you in the car park, what would you immediately think?

Peek here.


Tracks publisher (pictured) seeking to destroy Australia once and for all.
Tracks publisher (pictured) seeking to destroy Australia once and for all.

Iconic surf magazine seeks two traitors to “promote Australia as top surfing destination” on reality tv program

"The ultimate ‘F You’ to mainstream Australia."

If there is one thing surfers like most, when surfing, it is not many/any other surfers. Lineups around the world are incredibly crowded in these the post-Covid days of our lives. Stressed to the breaking point with all manner of new comer, old head, spicy grommet, perpetually immature Gen Zers and worse.

It is with much chagrin in Australia, then, that iconic surf magazine Tracks has partnered with Wanderlust in order to send two 18 – 25 year-olds off on a converted bus in order to promote the country as a “tourist surfing Mecca” for a new reality show.

They will be paid $50,000 Australian dollars each for selling their friends and neighbors out.

“We’ll foot the bill for pretty much everything as you travel up and down the coast attending major surfing events and music festivals, eat and drink at the best pubs and great local restaurants and capture everything in between,” Tracks editor-in-chief Luke Kennedy told the legendary onetime surf journalist Fred Pawle.

“Questioning societal norms is as relevant today for Gen Z youth as it was for surfers living on the fringes of society back in October 1970 when Tracks first appeared in newsagents,” the magazine’s publisher Peter Strain declared, adding, “That’s our magazine’s DNA. The Vietnam War polarised society and dropping out of society and surfing was seen as the ultimate ‘F You’ to mainstream Australia.”

Waving a middle finger in the air, forming mouth into snarl, Bondi surfer/musician Ethan Eshuys has already tossed his wide-brimmed hat into the ring, sharing, “Surfing by day and playing gigs at local pubs by night is a killer combo. This job would let me connect with fellow surfers, enjoy the best waves, and further my music career by hitting up new venues. Plus, promoting Australia as a top surfing destination on a reality TV show is an awesome bonus!”

Rock and roll will never die.

Oh wait…

Apply here.

Transgender surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson, inset, and Blaze Angel, female from birth surfer.
That's Blaze Angel on the right and, inset, celebrated T-Girl Sasha Jane Lowerson striking a coquettish pose.

Pushback against trans-women in surfing continues as top surfer says, “Sasha’s knocked me out of contention for an Australian title… twice!”

“Sasha can duckdive a nine-six longboard. I’ve never seen a woman in my life duckdive a longboard. Never. That in itself is an advantage.” 

Now, before we begin, the usual caveat. The Sydney surfer, Avalon if you wanna be specific, Blaze Angel, hasn’t got a damn thing against any biological man who wants to switcharoo to womanhood. 

“I want to make it obvious, very clear, that I have nothing against transgender people in general. I’m a pretty nice person. I’ve got a transgender member of my family.” 

Blaze, who is twenty-two, even has “You Do You” tattooed on her upper torso.

But, when it comes to former men competing against the girls, well, having surfed against the celebrated, inspirational and, as her last Instagram post demonstrates, wildly glamourous trans-surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson, Blaze says there’s a few things you should know, and probably haven’t thought about. 

Like, paddle speed. 

“When I first met Sasha at the Noosa Festival of Surfing, I was quite intimidated, based on her size and stature. I’m five-foot-two…tiny!… and when we surfed against each other there was one situation when we were both paddling back out and we were in a paddle battle to get priority. She just absolutely zoomed past me and I was paddling my little heart out! But she zoomed past so quick and I was, whoa, I can’t compete with that. My little arms won’t go that quick.” 

Blaze Angel, surfing.
Blaze Angel, styling in a heat.

And, duck diving. 

“Sasha can duckdive a nine-six longboard. I’ve never seen a woman in my life duckdive a longboard. Never. That in itself is an advantage.” 

Blaze says she’s beaten Sasha Jane Lowerson, who won the WA’s men’s state title in 2019 back when she was a he, a couple of times, but, more often, loses to her physically superior counterpart. 

“She’s knocked me out of contention for an Australian title twice now which is pretty frustrating. It’s discouraging for a lot of young girls. I’m old enough, I’m an adult, I can handle it. If I was a kid I’d have been so upset losing out on an Australian championship to a biological male.” 

Blaze Angel is a rarity  for calling, to use a hackneyed expression, a spade a spade. She says she’s had hundreds of positive comments, and a handful of nasty as hell messages, too, in response to her post on TikTok siding with Bethany Hamilton in the trans gals in surfing debate.

I ask her  if she believes there’s an undercurrent of opposition to transwomen in surf contests but other girls are too unafraid to give their opinion, publicly. 

“I’ve had so many messages, like, thank you for standing up for us, we’re too scared to do that because as soon as you say something you’re labelled transphobic. In particular, a couple of surfer girls reached out to me and said, ‘Hey, we competed against Sasha and lost the WAL state titles and we were really upset and didn’t know what to do and we’re scared to say anything. We have to face the facts, the testosterone levels, even at the WSL-ISA approved levels, are still so much higher than that of females. And that causes unfair advantages.”

So many sides to story!

Transgender surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson, inspirational and glamorous.
Transgender surfer Sasha Jane Lowerson, inspirational and glamorous.

Shock twist in transgender women in surfing furore, “We were ambushed by Sasha Jane Lowerson!”

“We were ambushed by Sasha Jane Lowerson and Sabrina Brennan from Surf Equity. They had a plan to destroy and create chaos."

Tears and jeers and whatever else two weeks back when it was claimed surfing’s only transgender competitor Sasha Jane Lowerson had been banned from entering the women’s div of a longboard contest in Huntington Beach. 

Sasha Jane Lowerson, as I like to remind you backward bastards, was one of Australia’s leading male longboarders, even winning the men’s longboard div as Ryan Egan before transitioning four years ago and joining the women’s side of the draw, enjoying much success and approval etc.

American Longboarding’s Todd Messick isn’t real into the trans schtick, howevers.

In a piece to camera on X on April 25, he said he was going to support “biological males and biological females in their divisions respectively. If you were born a female, you enter in the women’s. If you’re born a male, you enter in the men’s”. 

Sasha Jane Lowerson, who was fresh from facial feminisation surgery in Cordoba, Argentina, a radical procedures that gussies up the hard-edged male face and turns it into something real pretty, posted a lengthy screed on Instagram calling Messick’s decision “shameful and shady”.

As I walk my journey through the turmoil and the implications of people that want to spread misinformation, I’ve found myself wondering why? Just why to people hate me for existing!

And, in a long piece, the LA Times wrote, “Sasha Jane Lowerson just wanted to surf.“

But now! Oh yes, now! 

Messick has gone back on X to explain that Sasha Jane Lowerson…didn’t…produce any paperwork showing her WSL/ISA-approved levels of T, which is still double that of a pre-menopausal female, and that all of us media schmucks were fooled by that freewheeling game of intersectionality  warfare that renders most of us mute.

“You’ve all been lied to, each and every one of you,” says Messick. 

“Every news channel, every agency, every report that’s been pushing on this has lied to you. And there’s an agenda, there’s a false narrative going on by the 1%. We’ve been ambushed.

“We were ambushed by Sasha Jane Lowerson and Sabrina Brennan from Surf Equity. They had a plan, they had a setup, and the reality is it was meant to destroy and create chaos and create division and confusion. 

“And I’m here to clarify any kind of confusion.

“We made a statement on the 25th of April stating that we were in line with the ISA and WSL policies, and that we also demanded that if you were a biological male or female, that you’d enter into your own classes, respectively. We asked that Sasha Jane Lowerson provide us the paperwork, her or any other trans athlete that wanted to enter our event…

“We heard a lot of complaints, there was a lot of lies being put out about what was and wasn’t said. And I’m here to assure everybody that we have made an equal, open playing field for all athletes and that you as a transgender athlete, if you qualify with those guidelines under ISA-WSL  policy, that you would qualify.

“Let me just make clear that we made  our statement for the protection of female athletes, for mothers, daughters,  granddaughters, for the future and the well-being and the protection of females. Period. There is no other reason that we’re doing this. Okay?  So for anybody to spin this around, turn this around, saying that we’re doing this for this, that, or the other, it’s for equality. It’s for acceptance as human beings.  

“Now this trans agenda that’s going down is absolutely absurd in my opinion. It is not science. It is not fact. We’re going off of emotions and what people identify as. Listen, I can identify as the man of the moon and until I can prove paperwork that would  say otherwise, I’m a human being. I‘m a biological male. That’s science, that’s fact as much as I choose to think otherwise.  

“So that’s how we’re sticking at it. The ISA-WSL rules allow testosterone levels two times higher than the average pre-menstrual  (actually pre-menopausal) female. That’s unacceptable and that’s unfair. So what we’re demanding, what we’re changing, our new policy, is we’re asking that the WSL, ISA and the Olympic Committee all follow this policy.  

“It falls right in line with the California Athletic Commission saying that if you’re a transgender athlete,  you would have had to be in hormonal therapy  for two years under the radar and that your levels must be equal  to the average premenstrual (pre-menopausal) female. Now that is accurate and that is fair. Equal to, equal to, okay?  

“And for the record, for a biological male to get to that level, it is almost impossible.  And for that reason, we are putting this into play and into writing to state the fact that the strength advantage and that alone is the reason why this whole controversy is in effect.  

“So you take out the strength, you take out that testosterone down to a level where it’s  equal to a female, then that’s an equal playing field.  And until we get to an equal playing field, there’s no reason to continue to talk about  this until we start seeing athletes that actually qualify under this agenda, under these regulations, there’s nothing to talk about. We keep spinning this whole thing out and this narrative and all it is doing is creating division.

“Please do not be distracted by these news channels that are trying to  destroy us, that are trying to keep us confused, okay?”

Well? Fair play?

And what next in this sexy lil saga?

California driver (pictured) kooking it.
California driver (pictured) kooking it.

Surf journalist delivers conclusive findings that California drivers are worst in nation

A hellscape like no other.

I have just arrived home, at the ballet studio in San Diego’s Kearny Mesa, after a 2000 mile journey over 2.75 days. Beginning in Nashville, Tennessee, in the trusty Volkswagen that brought me to Vanderbilt some two years ago, I retraced steps to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma then pushed past Albuquerque, New Mexico to Gallup before ending here. I passed through Arkansas, Texas and Arizona only stopping for gasoline and sundries.

Along the way, I have reached the definitive scientific conclusion that California drivers are the worst in the entire nation. In Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico and even Arizona (though things start to go very wrong in the Grand Canyon State), slow drivers will generally stick to the slow (right) lane, only venturing left to pass. Sometimes, as happens to all of us, a driver will drift left and become preoccupied though dart right when run up on. Semi-trucks (or tractor trailers/big rigs depending on preferred vernacular) are a clear danger, in these states, deriving clear pleasure from passing each other as slow as possible and sometimes shooting retread tires at cars though they are all likely methamphetamine addicted and best to ignore.

Once in California, however, all hell breaks loose. Drivers will plant in the leftmost lane driving 20 mph under the speed limit for no obvious reason and will absolutely not move not matter how close another car gets to tail. Others, enjoying social media on their phones, will slow to the slowest speeds before jerking faster. Many are terrified, gripping the wheel with both hands while also going slow. Everyone is absolutely, ridiculously selfish. Driving exactly how they want simply because it is exactly how they want.

It is a hellscape the Golden State’s surfers must regularly negotiate and while annoying in the moment, becomes absolutely enraging when comparing it to drivers in disgraced former World Surf League Erik Logan’s home.

What then to do?

How to teach freeway lessons from San Diego to San Francisco?

All suggestions welcome.