"We are seeing a large influx of folks coming in that have no interest in getting naked or enjoying the beach."

Now, the sister sports of nude sunbathing and surfing rarely, if ever, come into conflict. Surfers generally ply our trade in the waters, often colder or dangerous and have no care for what happens on the sand. Nude sunbathers ply theirs on the beach, exposing gentle bits to the warm rays of the sun. The two groups form a sort of yin-yang representing a wonderful balance of opposites. Nude sunbathers and surfers can be witnessed peacefully sharing the same environment at Blacks, in San Diego, or the coastline of France. A balm for this polarized age.

Surfers, then, are providing allyship for a group of nude sunbathers in Canada’s Vancouver who are complaining about “hordes of perverted men in street clothing” descending upon their once bucolic sands.

Wreck Beach has long been a favorite. Sometimes called “The Topless Teahupo’o,” nude sunbathers have been “pulling it” since 1989. Large logs provide both backrests and wind stops for the naked except, now, the city is removing them opening up sight lines and generally causing mayhem.

While the city is citing safety, its lifeguards being unable to spot those in need of assistance, others are saying bigger issues than mass drownings must be considered.

“We are seeing a large influx of folks coming in that have no interest in getting naked or enjoying the beach,” the chair of the Wreck Beach Preservation Society Stephen Biduk told the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, adding, “They’re just coming down to look at people, to look at naked bodies, and that’s becoming a bigger concern.”

Mary Jean Dunsdon, who enjoys participating in nude sunbathing, is furious about the whole situation, boldly declaring, “I know that Wreck Beach is a tourist destination, but I am not a tourist attraction. I am not the Eiffel Tower.”

A petition has been circulated in order to stop log removal. It lists the key concerns including:

Increased Intimidation: Herds of men in city clothing are coming to the beach, intimidating visitors, and filming women and children. This is directly correlated to the open sight lines and the monitoring metro claims it needs. Metro Vancouver’s response of “trying to educate them” is insufficient. We need more safe spaces and a reduction in voyeuristic behavior. Correcting the mistake of removing the larger logs and safe spaces is a simple and effective answer.

All surfers encouraged to sign here.

Dominant.

El Salvador’s Punta Roca came to life, Sunday morning, gorgeous, unruffled right lines in the 4 –  6 ft range forming into the proverbial “skate park” for those remaining in the draw. The heat that snatched the very breath out of surf fans’ nostrils was semifinal number 1 featuring Gabriel Medina and Yago Dora.

Now, momentum was theoretically with Medina, heading in. The two-time world champion had just come off a dominant return to form at Teahupo’o where, even though he was bested by John John Florence, had a different sort of crackle. The tour moved, quickly, to Surf City, Medina continued his seemingly unstoppable charge meeting Yago Dora in the aforementioned semi.

It was an utter dismantling. Oh, not of Dora, as conventional wisdom would have held, but of Medina. The lanky screwfoot abused his countryman, tossing effortlessly dynamic airs, stuffing Medina into an unbreakable combination. Making him look silly, even, as the Dark Knight flailed.

“One of the most aggressive displays we’ve seen this year,” Kaipo Guerrero exhaled.

“Ohhhhhh. Ahhhhhh. Yessssssss,” Mitch Salazar moaned.

But it deserved all superlatives.

Then John John Florence arrived. Semifinal number 2 featured the North Shore prodigy facing up against South Africa’s Matthew McGillivray where he proceeded to fly even higher than Dora, stomping an alley-oop so delightfully that Salazar had a stroke, gushing, “There is a murder on the dance floor.”

Unclear who died and where the dance floor was but, McGillivary, in any case, had no prayer.

And so surf fans were treated to Dora, possessed, and Florence, inspired, in the final.

The waves backed off, lightly, as they do but the wind stayed chill as the opening hooter sounded. Florence and Dora bobbed while Salazar dialed both his Spanish and Portuguese pronunciations to 11. “Salvador,” for instance, becoming a completely incomprehensible “Slalbaddddoooo.”

Then, finally, at the 30 minute mark, John John took off, almost got barreled, punted and stomped. Yago very much on notice. Salazar insisting on calling Florence “double J.” Guerrero somehow hearing it for the first time, every time, and responding, “So good they had to name him twice.”

8.50.

Dora then took off, went for a wild spin, hit is board on the landing and elicited a grunt from Salazar never heard before from a man. Guttural. Like he was giving birth. Back fin box busted right out.

Florence backed his excellent score with another very good one leaving Dora in a brutal combination situation.

16.33.

The call went to Strider Wasilewski, in the lineup, and he discussed the “combination platter,” apparently featuring steak and lobster with Dora hoping to wipe butter off John John’s face? The metaphor was, unfortunately, unclear.

Dora, maybe listening, did? “Tapping into the rhythm of the wave,” the “skinny goat” laced together a gorgeous backhand ride with a smoker.

9.77.

Salazar, out of nowhere, found 12 on the pronunciation dial turning “Dora” to “Doddda,” and the broadcast thankfully cut to a Bonsoy Brew Break at peak tension, thrilling surf fans with poorly conceptualized advertisements from Apple, iHeartRadio and El Slalbaddddoooo.

Upon return, Wasilewski wondered if Doddda would also steal Florence’s champagne, now that he had grabbed the lobster, or langoustine.

The ocean turned itself off, at the end, and Florence held the flute firmly, no wiggle in his grip. He is now, officially, in the Trestles top 5.

JP Currie coming tomorrow.

Hammers will drop.

The Cancel Era (2016 – 2024) hit some communities harder than others but professional surfers hardest of all. Long used to speaking minds, holding forth on subjects without fear of execution in the public square etc., professional surfers watched in horror as others were silence and stripped of livelihoods. The response, naturally, was to pipe down and keep important thoughts to selves.

Well, in a stunning turn, the muzzles have been ripped right off. The death blow, apparently, a Rob Schneider comedy set at a Regina, Saskatchewan, hospital fundraiser wherein he delivered jokes perceived as anti-trans and anti-vaccine to a grouchy audience.

Guest in the audience Tynan Allan told the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation,

“Everyone in the room was groaning, saying, ‘What is going on?’ Like, whispering to themselves. Not a single laugh at times. It was just very apparent how uncomfortable everyone felt and how unacceptable the things he was talking about were.”

The hospital issued a statement declaring,

“While we recognize that in a free and democratic society, individuals are entitled to their views and opinions and that comedy is intended to be edgy, the content, positions and opinions expressed during Mr. Schneider’s set do not align with the values of our foundation and team. We do not condone, accept, endorse or share Mr. Schneider’s positions, as expressed during his comedy set, and acknowledge that in this instance the performance did not meet the expectations of our audience and our team.”

Now, just months ago, weeks even, Schneider would have been relieved from his celebrity status and placed upon the dustbin but the New York Post caught up with the funnyman on the streets of Manhattan, asking about the event, and Schneider declared simply, “Cancel culture is over,” then proceeded to share that he will likely be co-starring in more Adam Sandler films.

Surf fans immediately wondered which professional surfer would break the seal first and what previously controversial stand they would take. Jack Robinson openly embracing Hungary’s Viktor Orbán? Sawyer Lindblad opining on the war in Gaza? Kelly Slater questioning the efficacy, even point, of vaccines?

Which professional surfer do you want it to be and what do you want them to say?

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