"Get f—king moving. Get out of here. Now!"

The grumpy local has had a rough time, post-Covid. Hordes of adult learners descended not used to the vagaries of this surfing life, nor caring thus, were unable to be put into place. They were in the water for exercise, social distance, mental health and not because they were suckled as babes on stories of Miki Dora, Buttons Kaluhiokalani or Kolohe Andino. They didn’t care when Mr. Lineup Enforcer barked their way.

Or cared and threatened legal action.

So here we are, grumpy local quietly stewing inside with no real outlet. Sad. You can imagine, then, her shock when California recently entered a frenzy of “my beach, my chicks, my waves, go home” activity.

Or at least, “my beach, go home.”

Two incidents are trending, as they say. One in Malibu where signs were posted on Lechuza Beach reading, “This beach is on private lots. Trespassers will be prosecuted.” The other, south in Laguna where a homeowner screamed at sunbathers, including a child, “Get f—king moving. Get out of here. Now!” whilst she attempted to fashion a rope barrier.

She also yelled, “This is not an Instagram moment place!”

Unfortunately I am no longer to participate in those.

Both were reported to the California Coastal Commission, in any case, with Laguna even paying a visit to the now-famous “Laguna Beach Karen.” KTLA News receiving the statement, “The City of Laguna Beach is aware of an incident involving a resident roping off a section of the beach near her property. Yesterday, two Laguna Beach Park Rangers spoke with the residents, informing them that such behavior is unacceptable regardless of property boundaries and reminding them that any beach-related issues should be reported to the City for mediation. Our community treasures the accessibility and beauty of our beaches, and it is essential that everyone treats each other respectfully to allow for the enjoyment of these spaces.”

But back to our grumpy locals. Do you imagine they will be buoyed by le passion? Laguna Karen a sort of modern Joan of Arc?

There is a fine Joan of Arc statue just down the rue from where I am staying, in Paris, speaking of.

Worth visiting, certainly.

Or does she give grouch a bad name?

"...It’s also one of the most terrifying waves in the world.”

The countdown is officially on. The second installment of Olympic surfing is slated to run Saturday, possibly continue Sunday then go on hold for nasty winds to die down be we are here. At The End of the Road. Mainstream media interest in this Olympic surfing edition is certainly strong, what with it being contested nearly 10,000 miles away in French Polynesia plus the sheer magnetic weight of Teahupo’o itself to say nothing about the “deadly wave” narrative. Bleed, lead, etc. And while the aforementioned MSM generally mangles our Sport of Queens with it balky metaphors and past-pull-date cliches, New York Magazine just swung in with the best preview yet.

Writer Adam Elder dances between informing a non-surf audience while dealing with all manner of core surf fan vagaries. China’s Siqi Yang having “not been spotted by French Polynesian locals ever surfing at Teahupo’o before” makes an appearance as well as world champ Filipe Toledo exiting “early in at least three past Teahupo’o contests. He simply watched idly as big waves rolled past, and ended up earning low scores.”

Surf photographer legend Tim McKenna, who has called Tahiti home for 22 years and “knows everyone who has (and hasn’t) visited Teahupo’o in the past year to train” goes on record to state, “It’s such a scary wave that if they don’t feel confident, they just won’t take off. I don’t see them charging just for the sake of charging, thinking they can make a name for themselves by doing crazy stuff.”

John John Florence describes the gorgeousness, and horror, of being in that tube:

“It’s really hard to explain how amazing it is once you’re in the barrel of the wave and you’re looking out at all the boats, and the mountains, and the feel of the pressure in the barrel. It’s also one of the most terrifying waves in the world.”

Carissa Moore on the differences between the World Surf League and the Olympics:

The last Olympics definitely exceeded my expectations about how much bigger it felt than a normal event. There’s just a lot of people who don’t normally watch the WSL who watch the Olympics, and they understand what it means to win a gold medal.”

Surfing’s premier and only historian Matt Warshaw on being both a surfer and a surf fan:

“Contests seem so divorced from what surfing means to me when I’m in the water. But as a spectator, I really like when something’s taking place live and there’s something on the line. It’s fun to see who responds to that insane level of pressure, and Olympic pressure is just nuts.”

And arch surf website BeachGrit co-founder Chas Smith on being a recalcitrant jerk:

“The Olympics are definitely not a good thing for people who surf. I think if the Olympics really pops, it could cause another surge in participation. It’s already a mess out there.”

Essential, as Derek Rielly would pen.

And for three days, not just one!

Well that certainly took a sharp turn. More later, but in the meantime, Kelly Slater and his Surf Ranch have altered surfing in more ways than can be neatly summed here. The reality that a wave, nearly perfect, could be conjured with the push of a button instead of waiting for Surfline to report storms, that surfing can be practiced anywhere on earth, that waves have monetary value, all groundbreaking.

And it is regarding the latter, surfing’s price economically established, where we lay our scene. A day at Surf Ranch reportedly runs from $50,000 in the offseason, to $70,000 at peak times. Groups can get together and share the cost though, of course, wave count per person is altered. Still, the facility is private, no interlopers feeding off crumbs etc.

Well, according to a source in deep southern Mexico, a group of enterprising surfers, “middle-aged dudes from Southern California,” allegedly, took Surf Ranch financial model to one of the world’s greatest right hand point breaks, Barra de la Cruz, and rented it for three days at $20,000 US total.

Barra, you’ll recall, burst into the surf consciousness in 2006 when the World Surf League nee Association of Surfing Professionals traveled there for “Search” event. The waves were perfect, pumping overhead barrels, and the late, great Andy Irons took the cup with an unforgettable performance in what is still considered “the greatest contest of all-time.”

Back to our modern day, the source shared that he/she rolled up to Barra’s gate and was met by a woman informing him the beach was closed for a private event from Tuesday through Thursday. It was initially assumed it was for a contest but, through some sleuthing, discovered the middle-aged Southern Californian buy.

The local folks were not happy, being shut out of the homebreak and, moreover, setting the precedent that a wave like Barra can be purchased by wealthy interlopers.

Wealth disparity etc.

On the surface, $20,000 for three days of Barra de la Cruz seems like the deal of the century. But in this climate where more and more is going to fewer and fewer the optics, as they say, might be not great.

Thoughts?

And if you could rent one wave in the world for three days, which would you choose?