"The good 'ol Gold Coast days when I was into surfer boys!!"

The main question exploding over the surf world, in the wake of Jennifer Lopez becoming freshly single, is have surfers lost our sexy? There was a time, not terribly long ago, when the likes of Kelly Slater, Joel Parkinson, Julian Wilson and Jordy Smith moonlit as pin-ups, Teen Beat pictorials lovingly clipped out and mounted on wall. Surfers regularly toped firemen and boy banders as “must-have arm candy” for any woman in the know.

Alas, neither highly eligible Griffin Colapinto nor Gabriel Medina were even given silly odds to win Lopez’s hand.

And as if to rub the cratered appeal right in, Australia’s wildly popular radio host Jackie O has just published a thirst trap photo of a young Mark Occhilupo to her much-trafficked Instagram account.

O, whose last name is Henderson and described as a “Sydney socialite that has been married twice and shares a teenage daughter with her second husband who she split from in October 2018,” is the voice of Australian morning radio, recently signing a $100 million AUD deal to continue delighting commuters on the way to their various prisons.

Now, 49, the host shared the photo of Occy with, penning, “Going through some pics for my memoirs!! The good ‘ol Gold Coast days when I was into surfer boys!!”

The august Daily Mail, sizing up Henderson and Occhilupo’s looks, declared, “With a simple chain around her neck, Jackie looked completely fresh faced without a lick of makeup in sight as the pair appeared to be standing in a very windy location. Meanwhile, Occy rocked his usual long sandy locks along with a bright pink jumper which made him stand out in the photo.”

Surfers, though, not fully able to appreciate Occ’s sartorial win as the phrase “…when I was into surfer boys…” echoing painfully.

Good ol’ days …when…

…when…

…when…

Light a candle today, please, for surfer heartthrob stock.

Julian Wilson can’t come back fast enough.

Two most eligible bachelors left out in the cold.

We surfers, we dancers upon the ocean, used to be considered the sexy ideal. Skin bronzed by sun, brined by salt, shoulder and pectoralis major toned from stroking through the seas, devil-may-care attitudes honed from years of throwing caution to the wind. Desirable specimens.

But not anymore.

Though you have certainly followed the rise, fall, re-rise and re-fall the romance between the multi-hyphenate superstar Jennifer Lopez and the actor-director Ben Affleck. Their first engagement coming in 2002, ending in 2004. Their subsequent re-kindling, a few years back was followed by two extravagant weddings and much pledges of eternality.

Alas, it is officially over with Lopez applying for divorce days ago. Ben Affleck seen out and about glum, per the usual. But hope over the horizon? Fresh amour bubbling from a heretofore unknown font or maybe even a known one like Alex Rodgriguez?

BetOnline just opened odds on who would win the Grammy-award winner’s hand next. Eminem has the best odds at +800 followed by The Weeknd (+1000), Matt McConaughey (+1600), Drake (+3300), JD Vance (+10000) with Donald J. Trump and P. Diddy bringing up the rear (+25000).

Missing entirely, any surfer.

While John John Florence, Jack Robinson and Filipe Toledo are all attached, world number 2 Griffin Colapinto and the current most interesting surfer in teh world Gabriel Medina are not. In times past, both would have made the list with decent odds too, seeing as surfer meat used to be irresistible.

These days, though, it doesn’t even make the joke section.

Sigh.

Should we open our own bookmaking operation, here, and set odds on surfers, and their various proclivities, in the wild?

Something to think about.

"I was in the middle of this fire. I just remember hearing the big whooshing sound going past me."

The Indonesian surf trip is a coming-of-age adventure for any surfer worth her salt. Flying to the world’s largest archipelago, charting a boat to some far flung coast and living a tube-enhanced dream. No phone, no boss, no responsibility other than getting drained and draining Bintang.

A good life, maybe perfect, until the dang mechanic proceeds to hook up the battery wrong thus engulfing the entire business, including surfers, in an inferno.

But let us 19-year-old Jensen Kirby on his very first solo trip overseas. The young Perthian is lucky to be alive after a harrowing accident left him well done. Here he is, without further ado, with the play-by-play.

“The mechanic was putting the battery on and plugging it up. He plugged the negative to the positive, so it was wrong, and as soon as it clicked it just sparked and ignited the petrol fumes in the boat,” the dishwater blonde told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. “All I saw was the spark and the next moment I just saw the flames around me and I was like ‘Oh my god, what the hell do I do?’ I was in the middle of this fire. I just remember hearing the big whooshing sound going past me. It was crazy, like out of a movie. I just turned around and jumped straight into the water because I was so scared and got away as far as I could in case there was another explosion.”

Young Kirby survived, body very burned, and had multiple stages to get to a proper care facility. He was worried about looking at his face, scared the damage would be lots. When he finally mustered the courage, he felt he looked “thirty years older” which would make him 49. Exactly six years younger than surf great Kelly Slater.

If you looked in the mirror, after a scary accident, and saw Kelly Slater staring back how would that make you feel?