Kelly Slater (pictured) never not in fashion.

Kelly Slater drops provocatively named surfboard amidst Diddy sex scandal

The master scene stealer does it again.

The world’s winningest surfer, Kelly Slater, has kept himself out of the spotlight for the longest congruent stretch in a storied career. The 11x champion was not in the booth at Lower Trestles when the World Surf League concluded its 2024 season. He is not in Abu Dhabi for the upcoming historic Longboard Classic. He has not openly chatted with his good friends Joe Rogan, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Charlie Goldsmith or Jack Johnson.

Surf fans, becoming increasingly worried, were, therefore, relieved today when the ageless 57-year reemerged and as provocative as ever.

Slater made public for the release of his brand new surfboard model the FRK SWALLOW.

“We’ve been kind of talking about doing this for a while,” the multi-hyphenate surfer declared in discussing the latest in his FRK and FRK+ surfboard model series designed with shaper Dan Mann. “Aesthetically, I think [the FRK SWALLOW] looks great. I would probably ride this up to about 5 foot.”

Kelly Slater and his FRK SWALLOW. Photo: Firewire
Kelly Slater and his FRK SWALLOW. Photo: Firewire

Now, the FRK, even missing its vowels, could not be more spicy in light of the too-hot-to-handle allegations swirling around P. Diddy. The disgraced music mogul was arrested, recently, and charged with sex trafficking, amongst other crimes. His “freak offs,” heretofore hidden, the stuff of dark legend that might gobble up celebrities’ reputations for the foreseeable future.

The question, I suppose: Did Slater time the release of his surfboard model for maximum provocation?

FRK SWALLOW.

It really seems like it.

Master scene stealer.

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Ghost of dead surf icon Andy Irons haunts big-budget Billabong film Trilogy: Next Wave

"It’s set up to be a buddy film, but like an unconsummated marriage, it never gets there."

As you no doubt know, it is very flat in California. You are probably hoping that there will be waves in California soon, so that you no longer have to hear about how flat it is. But if there’s one thing we’re good at here, it’s complaining. There’s always something.

The flat spell has sent us all on desperate searches for diversion. Laundry, scraping wax, organizing our fins, learning how to wrap our leashes around our boards — there is just so many things to do, and none of them is as fun as surfing. Dammit.

So it was that yesterday, I sat in my comfiest chair and I watched, back to back, the original Trilogy and the newly released Trilogy: New Wave.

It got me thinking. If this flat spell continues long enough, could I watch the entire Taylor Steele oeuvre? Could I make it through all of Modern Collective era Kai Neville? Really, I hope I do not have to find out.

A Taylor Steele joint sponsored by Billabong, the original Trilogy released in 2007, when boardshorts were extremely long and Caity Simmers was two years old. I’m not sure what was going on with the boardshorts in that era, honestly. Apparently, men were very worried about their knees.

The Trilogy concept was pretty simple. Three surfers: Andy Irons, Joel Parkinson, and Taj Burrow. Good waves. Music that was… I guess good for the time? I’m not sure. A smattering of interview material. Some party people B-roll. The film clocks in at a snappy 35ish minutes, manageable even for my microscopic attention span.

(Watch it here.)

Watching an old surf film feels like stepping into a time machine. There they are, trying to show us what’s cool and what good surfing looks like. In the absence of social media, it must have felt intoxicating. So much authority! So much responsibility!

So much money. It’s wild to sit here in 2024 and see just how much money there was to make surf media in olden times. The credits list on Trilogy is lengthy. So very many people, getting paid for surfing. How quaint.

In pure surfing terms, Trilogy feels like one of the last of the turns and barrels films. It’s nearly the closing act for a cohort of surfers; Andy and Taj are close to 30 when it releases. Modern Collective’s air fest is just two years away.

Out of all of it, the Andy sections still bang. His surfing had that extra magic that gives it a timeless quality. There is so much style in every turn — and that inexpressible something the best surfers have and that I always feel awkward and stupid trying to put into words. You know what it looks like. We all do.

I’ve been hearing about Trilogy: New Wave for what feels like forever. I can almost picture the meeting around the conference table there at Billabong when they decided to do the remake. I’m sure there’s a whole Behind the Music-style podcast episode on the making of this film. Certainly, a big-budget surf film in the era of social media feels like a quixotic endeavor.

The premise is simple. Take three surfers from the present generation: Griff Colapinto, Ethan Ewing, and Seth Moniz. Send them on trips to good waves. Add music. Do some interviews. Use the latest whizbang digital camera technology. Presto! A fabulous blockbuster surf film.

When I sit down to watch it, I notice that Trilogy: New Wave runs over an hour. Well. This better be worth it.

There’s a slow motion, black and white credit sequence. Every crystalline water drop shines like a shard of glass. Viewed from above, Ethan twists and writhes in the chaos. It’s beautiful in that dizzying high-resolution that modern, digital video cameras create. I liked it. I liked it less when I realized it’s repeated throughout the film. Oops.

The surfing is good, of course. Ethan has that clean powerful style, that’s extremely watchable. He also does far more airs than I ever expected. Griff is dynamic, explosive, and unpredictable. His surfing matches his personality to an almost hilarious degree. Seth brings the Hawaiian-style barrel riding and some big ass airs of his own. I liked the surfing, is what I’m saying.

The filmers bring a massive, high-tech arsenal to the job. There’s drone views and water views and every kind of view you can imagine. There are some truly lovely visions here, if you enjoy surf imagery. It’s me. I enjoy that shit.

But at times, the technology overwhelms the subject. Yes, cameras can do ridiculous high-resolution, slow motion now. But I’m not sure I need to see every drop of water in its singularity. Colors saturate beyond anything found in nature. Drone shots transform surfing into twister. Dial it back a bit, my friends. The surfing doesn’t — or shouldn’t — need quite so much razzle dazzle.

The surfers travel, drive a lot, surf many hours. All of this is good. In between, there’s a lot of interview material, and there are back stories build around each surfer. This is… less good. Taylor rightly edited the interviews in the original film down to a few quick, snappy quotes and got on with the business end of the thing.

I’ll confess, I skipped through some of talking in New Wave. My dudes, this is a surf film. Show me the fucking surfing. I also skipped the contest footage. Sue me.

There’s a noticeable lack of chemistry among the three surfers. It’s set up to be a buddy film, but like an unconsummated marriage, it never quite gets there. There’s a shot of the three surfers sitting in a van on a long, dirt road. Seth drives, while Griff sits shotgun. In the backseat, Ethan stares out the window. He seems to be wishing he was just about anywhere else.

For all the effort, I’m not sure the film reveals all that much about these guys. Griff has ridiculous energy. Seth is just happy to be there. Ethan’s the most interesting character to me, mostly for what he doesn’t tell us. For all the miles he travels and all the good waves he surfs in this film, he looks happiest standing on the beach at home alone with his dog. There’s a story there, but not one he’s willing to tell us.

There’s just so much expectation weighing on Trilogy: New Wave, and it all but crushes the thing. It’s so obviously trying so very hard to be big and important in a way that the original didn’t — and maybe didn’t have to be. Before social media and in a time when surf industry money flowed like a high tide, surf films didn’t have to work quite this hard.

The whole idea of a remake sets up a comparison that hardly feels fair to the surfers. Surely, they are more than shrink-wrapped plastic dolls pulled off the shelf for a new generation. We should, I think, grant them more individuality than that.

All three of these guys surf their hearts out. Ethan leaves his apparent ambivalence on the beach. Griff paddles circles around everyone like a hyped up frother. Seth blows his knee trying to land an air in Indo. They go for it.

Should ya watch this thing? Sure, you should. Why wouldn’t you? I guess if you hate surf films, you should not. But, if you hate surf films, I’m not at all sure we can be friends.

When the film focuses on surfing, it’s compelling. The spaces in between seem to last too long. I guess that makes the film a lot like real life.

Mostly, I’m just hoping this flat spell ends before I have to watch Modern Collective.

.

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New Jersey codifies pro-surfer stance after Belmar Beach narrowly escapes George Floyd-esque catastrophe

"There seemed to be communication issues and variations of the law among municipalities."

It is now officially autumn in the northern hemisphere, summer, its fun n sun n easy times in the rearview. Also, in New Jersey, its wild police overreach that nearly led to a full blown culture riot just a memory. But you certainly recall, in middle August, when a surfer in Belmar was violently tossed to the ground and stuffed inside a police cruiser after failing to present his beach badge.

Our Giancarlo Guardascione explained:

From Memorial Day (May 31) to Labor Day (September 2) all non-residents are required to buy daily beach access badges. Prices range from ten to thirty dollars. Jersey and New York costal communities thrive on blow-ins during the summer months. Most businesses and municipalities have to make their money during these times, hence the badges and inflated “non-local” prices on goods.

It’s a 50 shade of grey line when trying to cross the threshold to the beach. Technically, by municipal law, ya gotta pay if your using the beach. But, if you’re just going to surf, swim or fish (no umbrella, cooler, beach chair) you could walk right by the teen sentinels with a smile and a wave.

Well, the brutality went viral and New Jersey’s arcane “beach badge” patchwork savaged.

Though this coming summer of ’25 peace just might be restored.

State Assemblywoman Margie Donlon, wanting to get ahead of confusion, introduced a bill that would “prohibit a municipality from requiring a municipal beach tag or similar admission pass for access to the wet sandy beach below the mean high tide line, for a surfer or a fisherman for the exclusive purpose of surfing or fishing.”

It is already the rule, based on a law that Gov. Phil Murphy approved in 2019, yet “there seemed to be communication issues and variations of the law among municipalities.”

Donlon, a surfer with nearly two decades of water time clocked, explained, “That was the motivation: to make that law clearer.”

Do you think it will work or after tasting surfer blood, is Johnny Law hungry for more?

Much anticipation.

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Reef McIntosh (insert) under attack. Photo: Rescue: HI-Surf
Reef McIntosh (insert) under attack. Photo: Rescue: HI-Surf

North Carolina broadsheet torches new network drama Rescue: HI-Surf

“Imagine Baywatch, but instead of David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, we’re going to cast people no one has heard of."

It was with heightened blood pressure that surfers, nationwide, tuned into Fox television this past Sunday evening after the football lights dimmed. The network, you see, was rolling out its first surf-adjacent show since The OC and the aforementioned watermen and waterwomen were on pins and needles to see if, decades on, Big Network was going to finally finally depict our pastime of queens in its right light.

Rescue: HI-Surf, set on Oahu’s fabled North Shore, promised to follow the heroic county lifeguards as they protected surfers etc. tackling “the most dangerous wave in the world” but did it deliver?

According to North Carolina’s only statewide newspaper, The North State Journal, it did not and the tar heel’d critics took direct aim at professional surfing as well.

“Imagine Baywatch, but instead of David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, we’re going to cast people no one has heard of,” the reviewer, Mr. Shawn Krest begins.

Lightly racist though continuing, he pens, “A teenager heads toward the beach with his board … and his name is Reef. Because of course it is. His parents are dropping him off and telling him specifically when they’re going to pick him up … so clearly, Reef is going to die.”

Reef McIntosh, Reef Heazlewood and possibly Kelly Slater’s still publicly unnamed son smarting.

Wasting no time, Mr. Krest goes directly after professional surfing fans, maybe Brazilian, wearing Filipe Toledo jerseys.

One of the surfers wipes out, and the people laying out on the beach react with an, “Ohhh!” And the people on the beach? Are all fully dressed, like with shirts on. So, is this an actual surf competition, and they’re the audience? I thought this was just a normal beach? And if it’s a competition, why is Reef, who has apparently never done this before, allowed to just walk out there and give it a try.

He lasted four minutes before turning the program off though added, “I was generous. It should have died when the kid was named Reef.”

Reef McIntosh, Reef Heazlewood and possibly Kelly Slater’s still publicly unnamed son having every right in considering legal action.

Did you watch Rescue: HI-Surf?

Do you want to?

Here’s the clip of Reef getting bashed.

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Kiel Russ on tying leashes.
Surf expert Kiel Russ and the short video that drove core lords mad.

Reaction to viral legrope tying tutorial reveals deep schism in surf culture

"Thanks for showing people this, now we know who to drop in on before they paddle out."

It was the most innocuous of Instagram posts and in a normal sorta world a brother would stroll right on by with only the slightest raise of an eyebrow.

Kiel Russ is a surf coach from Alberta, Canada, who has collected almost half-a-million Instagram followers drawn by his easy-to-understand reels. In short catchy numbers, Russ explaining how to repair a faulty duck dive, the correct technique for the turtle roll, secret techniques that only pro’s know, the ubiquitous pop-up tutorials and, recently, the dangers of coiling your leash around your fins.

And it is here where the deep schism that is roiling surf culture, or what might roughly be called a culture, has been laid bare.

Russ warns surfers not to coil your leash around your fins post-surf because it will damage the cord as it rubs against the blunt leading edge of your front fins and when you do use it, well, it gonna tangle around your hooves and interfere with your pop-up.

Kiel Russ on how to tie a lerope around board.
Kiel Russ explains the dangers of wrapping your leash around the fins, an innocuous enough post except it squares core lords, sea dogs, whatever you wanna call lifetime surfers, against the modern VAL.

A quick aside: When did the obsession with pop-ups begin? When the over-forties bankers starting getting into surf? Did The Inertia birth the obsession?

Russ then recommends and demonstrates a method popular in the nineteen-seventies where the leash is stretched and tied around the nose and then hoiked up until it’s tight like a recalcitrant pair of pants.

And it’s this that drew the ol sea dogs into a shootout with the modern VAL.

Old school:

From the Greenroom Times, Thanks for showing people this, now we know who to drop in on before they paddle out

40 plus years and always wrapped the leash around the board, never took it off, and never had a problem

Best of luck to you buddy but leave advice/ surf content to real surfers

VAL:

This puts a kink in it as well. The best thing is to just take it off every time you surf and put it in a bin with the rest of your leashes when you get home. Make sure to rinse them off. Carry it in your hand until you get to the water edge, put it on the board and your leash will last a long time.

That’s how I tie my leash so I can carry my longboard over my shoulder using it. Short arms and all.

Just remove it and rinse out the swivels too, leash will last much longer.

Been surfing for 3 years and I didnt know this, now I understand why Im not taking waves. Hope I start taking waves after changing the fins!

There’s a whole thread on reddit about Kiel Russ, master surf coach, although very expensive to employ!

I booked a consultation with him (I’m a beginner and trying to progress as much as possible).
I had to fill in a form when booking my initial call, the last question stated “are you willing to invest $500 – $1000 in your surfing at the end of the call?”. Naturally, I answered “no”, as I wanted to have the initial meeting first so I could decide whether or not the fee was justified. I received several emails since submitting the form stating my consultation was confirmed etc. only to receive an email one day in advance cancelling it, due to the fact that I wasn’t willing to commit to an investment at the end of the call. Strange business strategy on their behalf. Plenty of other surf/conditioning coaches online that I’m sure will be happy to take my money.

I wasn’t able to find any videos of Kiel Russ, the founder of Hydromind, surfing on Youtube. I followed up with his support team and they stated “The prices of the programs vary depending on your needs. We’ll determine your goals and what program suits you best. It ranges from $500 to $1000, with Free Bands sent to your delivery address.

I read the knocks on him not being a great surfer, I ignored that because I think the best players dont always make the best coaches, and with a month-by-month membership on offer I didnt have too much to lose. The program is more about surfing fitness which is where I’m lacking at the moment. Having not really surfed for about 15 years but looking to get back into it my surf fitness is down, and having two kids, running a business etc I dont have the time to surf multiple times a week. I know the only way you are going to get good at surfing is by surfing, so this program is defintely aimed at people like him (Kiel) who seem to have irregular access to surf and want to maintain fitness/flexibility when not in the water. If you can surf multiple times a week you wouldn’t need his program. Early red flags, I did sign up to a month-by-month membership with some free bands (he uses for his paddle exercises and have made an improvement in my paddle endurance and effectiveness so far) but there is no way I can see where it shows how to cancel the membership. It’s easy enough to block a credit card from future payments which is always the failsafe but making it hard for people to cancel is always a bad sign. From seeing comments I think I have to DM him somehow, and I dont know what roadblocks they will put in my way to cancel.

Have you ever considered shelling over cash so a man from Instagram can make you shred?

And with the legrope tying matter, who ties? And if you do, are you a surf-hat and poncho wearer?

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