“Life is finite and chaotic!” Reflections of a surfer who almost died

If you’ve got the physical means to go for a wave, go get one for me.

I almost died a few weeks back. Eighteen days in hozzy, three wrapped up in wires in ICU. I’ve had a lot of time in a hospital bed and on the couch to think about things.

The cause of this sudden health challenge was a virus which triggered a severe form of myocarditis that led to my immune system attacking my heart and lungs and ultimately trying to kill me in a bad case of autoimmune friendly fire.

While I still don’t have a confirmed diagnosis, the leading contender is rare, and deadly (giant cell, pretty depressive data).

No, it’s not vaccine related, thanks for asking though.

One of the things I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about is surfing, what it means to me, why I’ve been so committed for decades to chasing it and my assessment of this commitment when I thought there was a reasonable chance of checking out.

Was it time well spent?

While not my only random dalliance with potential life changing/ending situations (couple of car crashes, heavy shark bump which thankfully missed my limbs) this was the most serious.

Surfing has been one of the core pillars of my life since my late teens and has been the driving force for a lot of decisions. One of which was leaving my native country, travelling and ending up settling in another geo due to the access to more consistent waves (+ a bunch of other upsides).

Side note: I’ve heard a working theory that if you’ve had to hustle and risk a bit to get access to better waves and a better life, you are way more appreciative of even marginal conditions. I agree with this. I also think you tend to avoid becoming jaded and burned out like those who were fortunate enough to grow up in high-quality surf zones with frequent exposure to ok > good waves.

I remember reading something Nick Carroll wrote years ago about surfing and the ephemeral nature of it as a sport. Nick had a line like, “the harder you try and hold onto it, the more it slips through your fingers”.

I think there’s wisdom in this analysis. I also think it’s equally applicable to trying to accurately describe the act of surfing and the long-term impact on a life spent with a lot of water time. I just don’t quite have the complete vocabulary to fully articulate what it means to me. Apologies for clumsy language and mangled metaphors ahead.

What’s my hot take?

On reflection, I have never felt more alive than peak moments in good surf, ideally with good friends. I’ve been lucky to get quite few of these moments over the past 30-plus years and had an excellent run in 2024 (Fiji, G-land, coupla sessions in Portugal on a work trip, north and south coast NSW and and at home in Australia). Again, hard to articulate due to the fleeting nature of the experiences, but a bunch of beautiful moments in beautiful waves. I have zero regrets about any trip I’ve been on or any local paddle out.

At point I’ve had high levels of stress and anxiety from the common challenges of life. Navigating these challenges is one of the privileges of being alive and a core feature of the human experience. Having the habit of going for a wave regularly has provided some emotional ballast and calm during times of internal chaos.

Is surfing a mental health therapeutic? Who knows, but I’ve found it helpful.

I’ve also found throwing myself in a stormy sea can calm a stormy mind. In my experience it’s hard to be anxious about much when you’re pinned in a four-foot shorebreak and have 15 duck-dives to nail to escape purgatory.

Being fit makes everything else in life easier and surfing has been a gateway drug for me to health and fitness. I started cross training and mobility stuff in my early thirties to deal with niggles and to stay in the water. This has had other benefits, mental health and resilience, more waves, more time in the water, potentially helping me recover faster in hospital.

Yeah it’s boring, no I’m not advocating becoming a gym bro (you don’t need a gym) – but for me a bit of other fitness work has made a solid difference. Again, zero regrets.

Surfing as social connective tissue. There is a famous Harvard longitudinal study on what the secret of happiness is. Eighty-five years of data shows it largely reverse engineers to love and social connection. Being perma-frothy has given me a tight group of close mates who I stay connected to and bullshit with. Our text threads are a mixture of arguing the merits of fin systems (I’m pro FCS2, controversial!), fin clusters (hail Simon Anderson!), boards, shapers, waves, past and future trips and other meaningless surf and life minutiae.

Social connection is also prominent during my average go out at my city local as there’s probably 50 regs that know each other and shoot the shit in the carpark and the surf in between hustling each other for waves. I don’t think this is a particularly unique experience, but I think it’s a beautiful thing. Those tight and loose social connections may all be making us a bit happier and keeping us alive.

Watching the kids take to the water. My kids both love the water and prior to this curveball I’ve been enjoying watching my elder one start on his surfing journey. I’ve been getting as much of a kick surfing with him and his mates in little three-foot beachies as I did at pumping eight-foot Kongs and the Ledge. And no, I have no deep seated competitive or professional aspirations for him. I’m no vicarious surf dad shoving my progeny out of the sky onto your head as you navigate down the line. My only hope is he keeps going and keeps learning and developing his own relationship with the ocean.

Surf media as mindless entertainment. I used to buy mags before the internet cruelled that model and have been lurking on BeachGrit for quite some time. For me the consumption of surf media is a fun distraction from the viciousness and seriousness of life. I appreciate anyone who can write well (Derek, Nick Carroll, Steve Shearer, JP, Jen See, Chaz, Matt Warshaw, Jamie Brisick, Bill Finnegan, Jed Smith, Gra Murdoch etc) and can capture what it means to ride waves, the associated peripheral “lifestyle” or who can simply make me laugh.

I also appreciate the sheer amount of good surf “content” online. For free. If watching a Mason Ho video doesn’t make you smile and immediately want to paddle out, do you even surf?

Could I have spent this time more productively? Absolutely.

Would it have led to a more fulfilling and richer life – who knows?

But watching a CT while chatting in the threads is real fun.

So what does it all mean?

Surfing has been a major positive for me and I’m happy to have chased it hard. While I’m not sure when I can paddle out again, best case three-to-six months, I’m hoping I get the opportunity and will suck the marrow out of every moment if it happens.

If you’ve got the physical means to go for a wave, go get one for me.

Life is a finite and chaotic thing and one day you won’t have the opportunity.