Watch: Seventy-year-old Gerry Lopez and dirty ol hair-pullin’ Dylan Graves river surf Oregon!

Ol man Lopez is bewitching!

Did you know the Queen of Pipe Gerry Lopez has a river-surfing, snow-riding son called Alex?

In this episode of Weird Waves, which features the surfer Dylan Graves, who became terribly upset two weeks ago when I referenced an old interview where he spoke lightheartedly about sex games, we meet Gerry’s son in the city of Bend, Oregon, where Gerry moved in 1992.

What’s interesting about this episode is the culture that’s grown up around surfing these little stationary waves, how difficult it is and how even a natural shredder like Dylan struggles and that the flow of water in the river is controlled by human beings.

And when Alex takes Dylan home to see ol Gerry, hoo-ee, it’s bewitching.

Watch: Ozzie Wright and the Goons of Doom’s latest gothsploitation classic!

A little antidote to the weekend's yacht rock…

Earlie today, the co-lead of the Goons of Doom, Vaughan Blakey, sent a message to my telephone that read, “World exclusive! Ozzie’s just finished Goth Moth video! Single two from the new albs. You likey?”

I wrote back, “I do, and very much, tattooed pussy gets me every time.”

I then asked for a why, where, how and for its inspiration well, at which point I was directed to its writer, Ozzie Wright, the 42-year-old father of the modern air and art movement.

“I’m always trying to invent new super heroes,” says Oz. “They usually end up super villains. Goth Moth has no moral compass. She’s just out there in the dark flying around doing whatever the fuck she likes. She has four arms and is amazing at multi-tasking. She can spray-paint a penis on a wall and cut a man’s head off with a chainsaw at the same time. The only time I get to write songs is driving my piece of shit Subaru around town with my knees while I play ukulele with my hands. Maybe that’s why I came up with her having four arms.”

There’s a break in transmission.

“No, wait, it’s ’cause of the inset DNA. Don’t know how she came to exist yet but I better come with some backstory ’cause the fans are gonna wanna know.”

The first art, of course, is to assume it’s serious.

Which this ain’t.

Lyrics below.

Watch Jamie O’Brien in “I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!”

Jamie O and YouTube prankster Roman Atwood freedive with sharks and ride an 18-foot inflatable surfboard at Sunset…

The great Hawaiian surfer Jamie O’Brien, who is 190 pounds of rock hard muscle with  40 pounds of sturdy protective fat, says, “A big gut helps you breathe bigger and better.”

In this episode of his weekly vlog, thirty-five-year-old Jamie puts his gut, which measures one-metre from hip to hip, to excellent use. We begin with a shark dive, along with his friend and Giovanni Ribisi-lookalike Roman Atwood, who owns the fiftieth most popular channel on YouTube, which screens his practical jokes.

(One includes “Killing My Own Kid PRANK!!” where Atwood pretends to kick his kid from the top floor of his house and down the stair void and which has been watched fifty-six million times, and “Anniversary Prank Backfires!” where he confesses he’s cheated on his girl only to be hit with the cruellest twist, viewed ninety-one million times.)

After the sharks, Jamie takes Atwood to six-to-ten-foot Sunset and gives the non-surfer a taste of that deep-water wave on his eighteen-foot inflatable Supsquatch.

“It was one of the greatest things ever,” says Atwood. “Ever. It’s so thrilling. There’s no way to explain it on camera.”

It is pretty good.


Watch Mason Ho dance all over Ala Moana Bowls’ “Killa Swell”!

Your favourite surfer storms the South Shore and pokes it!

Do you ever wonder about Mason Ho’s wonderful genetic code? His granddaddy was Chinese, his grandma pure Hawaiian, mom was white and from Oregon and his daddy, Mike Ho whom you know, was half-Chinese, half-Hawaiian.

What’s that make Mason? A quadroon?

No, no, can’t be a quadroon.

Seventy-five percent of his ancestry is Chinese-Hawaiian, a quarter white Americano. It’s a mathematical riddle.

Can anybody solve it?

In this clip, which is one of the best from the Mason Ho-Rory Pringle studio, at least in recent months, we follow Mason to the south coast of Oahu aka the South Shore. Here, Mason Ho dominates a wave called Ala Moana, which is named after the nearby shopping centre.

His late takeoffs-to-fade-to-lookdown-to-tube-and-lookbacks are worth the cost of exercising your precious click alone although a visit, later in the film, to China Walls will delight, like a haughty dancing girl bending forward to steep you in her murky scent.

Watch 21-year-old Kelly Slater in “I’m a little bird that has broken out of the egg!”

Come see The Champ before blood feuds and swimming pools that tube!

By 1993, Kelly Slater had won a world title (youngest ever) and failed to defend it (sixth), although he would win the next five titles in a row.

Kelly will turn forty seven in three weeks.

This is a remarkable for several things. He appears to’ve retarded the ageing process (Kelly credits this to his consumption of chia seeds, kimchi, grass-fed beef, elk antler extract, bee pollen, kelp, ginseng shivajit, ashwagandha and almond milk), he’s still as nomadic as he was when he was twenty despite a net worth north of twenty-mill and, this year, he’ll compete, and compete well, at the highest levels of the sport, wearing board shorts from his own company and riding boards of his own design.

This clip from the Momentum Files (Focus, 1993show’s Kelly at a point in his life when he was without peer. Gabriel was in-utero, Filipe was still two years away from seeing light beyond the birthing canal and John John was in his little wooden crib, mama Alex working like hell to feed her precious bundle.

When Kelly surfed, you watched.

When Taylor Steele dropped a movie, with Kelly owning the closer, a rope of drool would hit the floor.

Does this clip age as well I think?