Watch Jamie O’Brien in “I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina!”

Jamie O and YouTube prankster Roman Atwood freedive with sharks and ride an 18-foot inflatable surfboard at Sunset…

The great Hawaiian surfer Jamie O’Brien, who is 190 pounds of rock hard muscle with  40 pounds of sturdy protective fat, says, “A big gut helps you breathe bigger and better.”

In this episode of his weekly vlog, thirty-five-year-old Jamie puts his gut, which measures one-metre from hip to hip, to excellent use. We begin with a shark dive, along with his friend and Giovanni Ribisi-lookalike Roman Atwood, who owns the fiftieth most popular channel on YouTube, which screens his practical jokes.

(One includes “Killing My Own Kid PRANK!!” where Atwood pretends to kick his kid from the top floor of his house and down the stair void and which has been watched fifty-six million times, and “Anniversary Prank Backfires!” where he confesses he’s cheated on his girl only to be hit with the cruellest twist, viewed ninety-one million times.)

After the sharks, Jamie takes Atwood to six-to-ten-foot Sunset and gives the non-surfer a taste of that deep-water wave on his eighteen-foot inflatable Supsquatch.

“It was one of the greatest things ever,” says Atwood. “Ever. It’s so thrilling. There’s no way to explain it on camera.”

It is pretty good.


Watch Mason Ho dance all over Ala Moana Bowls’ “Killa Swell”!

Your favourite surfer storms the South Shore and pokes it!

Do you ever wonder about Mason Ho’s wonderful genetic code? His granddaddy was Chinese, his grandma pure Hawaiian, mom was white and from Oregon and his daddy, Mike Ho whom you know, was half-Chinese, half-Hawaiian.

What’s that make Mason? A quadroon?

No, no, can’t be a quadroon.

Seventy-five percent of his ancestry is Chinese-Hawaiian, a quarter white Americano. It’s a mathematical riddle.

Can anybody solve it?

In this clip, which is one of the best from the Mason Ho-Rory Pringle studio, at least in recent months, we follow Mason to the south coast of Oahu aka the South Shore. Here, Mason Ho dominates a wave called Ala Moana, which is named after the nearby shopping centre.

His late takeoffs-to-fade-to-lookdown-to-tube-and-lookbacks are worth the cost of exercising your precious click alone although a visit, later in the film, to China Walls will delight, like a haughty dancing girl bending forward to steep you in her murky scent.

Watch 21-year-old Kelly Slater in “I’m a little bird that has broken out of the egg!”

Come see The Champ before blood feuds and swimming pools that tube!

By 1993, Kelly Slater had won a world title (youngest ever) and failed to defend it (sixth), although he would win the next five titles in a row.

Kelly will turn forty seven in three weeks.

This is a remarkable for several things. He appears to’ve retarded the ageing process (Kelly credits this to his consumption of chia seeds, kimchi, grass-fed beef, elk antler extract, bee pollen, kelp, ginseng shivajit, ashwagandha and almond milk), he’s still as nomadic as he was when he was twenty despite a net worth north of twenty-mill and, this year, he’ll compete, and compete well, at the highest levels of the sport, wearing board shorts from his own company and riding boards of his own design.

This clip from the Momentum Files (Focus, 1993show’s Kelly at a point in his life when he was without peer. Gabriel was in-utero, Filipe was still two years away from seeing light beyond the birthing canal and John John was in his little wooden crib, mama Alex working like hell to feed her precious bundle.

When Kelly surfed, you watched.

When Taylor Steele dropped a movie, with Kelly owning the closer, a rope of drool would hit the floor.

Does this clip age as well I think?

Watch Dylan Graves and Jet Schilling in “River waves are like tornado puke!”

A romanticised examination of surf culture in Montana and Idaho… 

In this second episode of Vans’ Weird Waves series, which is hosted by the Puerto Rican Dylan Graves, he and San Clemente kid Jett Schilling surf river waves in Montana and Idaho.

You’ll remember in episode one Dylan cast quite a glow over Lake Superior, riding six-foot waves in the world’s largest fresh-water lake.

Here we see Dylan and fifteen-year-old Schilling trussed up in hoods and body rubber.

It’s very cold. Murky, cold water.

Thirty degrees?

That’s minus one for the rest of the world tied to the metric system.

Both surfers, therefore, are as elastic as an after-birth vagina.

What’s most interesting, I think, is the sort of surfboard that works in these waves: wide, flat, shovel-nosed things, so white and rectangular they look like body-of-Christ wafers.

Click play and hear the scripture.


Watch: Noa Deane, Ozzie Wright and Ryan Burch in “Who’s the panty-washing pedophile freak now?”

A dirty New Zealand road trip! Get gut-punched!

The anti-establishment surf brand Volcom has had a long association with New Zealand courtesy of its Australasian arm being run, and run beautifully, by John Clapham, now a substantial landholder at Raglan.

In this sub-five minute short, Volcom team surfers Noa Deane, Ozzie Wright, the San Diego shaper-experimentalist Ryan Burch and perennial WCT wannabe Mitch Coleborn do the camper van thing and rip hell out of NZ’s famous lefthanders.

In one pivotal scene, Coleborn drops to his knees like a self-flagellating monk and rides a boogieboard drop-knee, an ancient and long forgotten art.

By all probability, you’ll appreciate this diversion.