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The one surf visual to watch today!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

It's a bracing parable of racial politics and white imperialism!

A surf contest, but only just.

One week ago, North Shore locals ran their annual Rocky Point Classic, a shoot-out style event where each surfer drops twenty-dollars into a pool for a total of one thousand dollars prizemoney.

The contest is a bracing parable of racial politics and betrayal, of white imperialism!

Can you imagine the thrill of hustling good four-foot Rockies, a gift from your imperialist forefathers, and this demographically diverse pack swings down the trail? As it turns out, the Rocky Point Classic is a good-natured contest where even surfers with modest abilities are celebrated.

It ain’t the Pipe Masters. But what is?

Play: BeachGrit’s Dead Pool!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

3,2,1, who's it?

Yesterday, after it was revealed here that sometime BeachGrit writer, vet, scammer, junkie prose master Michael Kocher had been cut down under a hail of police bullets I got a wonderful text from a caring friend. It read:

Sorry to hear about Kocher. My money was on Tellkamp in the dead pool. An ill-fated Pokémon accident.

And I thought, “How has your third favorite surf-based gossip website been alive for over two years and not had a dead pool yet?”

As anti-depressive as it comes!

In case you are unclear as to what a “dead pool” is, let me explain. Everyone puts money on who they think will die and when. Celebrity dead pools usually involve an exact date, I think, but that seems like too much work for us. So just put your money on which one of us is going down next and how.

Chas Smith, Derek, Michael C. (who is busily getting scammed out of $100 in Panama right now), Giancarlo, Steve Shearer (longtom), Matt Warshaw, Tellkamp (I guess), Dave Prodan (honorary) .

And for even more laughs lets add the best part of BeachGrit too! You! Julian’s Postie, Super Jr., mullet, Nick Carroll, Negs, throwing disqus, stewie, Jimmy the Saint, TomHouse, plug-butt, wincy, Superworm, Don Jon Florence, Dogsnuts, etc.

Wait. Is this anti-depressive?

BeachGrit writer shot dead by police!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

The former US marine, writer and cancer scammer Michael Kocher killed in shootout.

Yesterday, the sometime BeachGrit writer Michael Kocher, who was thirty two, was killed by police after taking two hostages and barricading himself inside a house.

(Read here)

Kocher. Remember him? Here’s the story.

A couple of years ago, a surfer turned US marine announces himself to me via email. His name was Michael Kocher and he wrote eloquently about being a solider in the American invasion of Iraq, quitting surfing to sell heroin and, later, said he was dying of spinal cancer and wrote about his terminal illness.

He also set up a GoFundMe account which raised $8600. As it transpired, the cancer story was a scam. 

All of which made great theatre. And even though I lost a few shekels on the cancer thing, I felt it a small price to pay for the laughs.

Two months ago, Michael told me he was living in Denver and whooping it up on the electronic dance music scene. I asked him to send me a story. He said he was surprised I didn’t hate him after the cancer scam. What can I say? I liked his writing.

Ultimately, it was bullets and not cancer that ended his life.

In a fitting self-penned eulogy, he concluded his last story with,

I was born at 11:56pm on April 27th, 1984. The same day as Ulysses Grant and more or less no one else. I was the result of too much to drink in a small rail town, and the herculean effort of seventeen hours of labor. My father never wanted children, my mother was supposedly barren, and yet there I was, being born. There I was, coming into the light. There I was, starting on a path that would eventually lead me halfway around the world to Iraq and then back to the States for a life of jail cells, parties, and the most devastating and wonderful year and a half of my life. That was still far down the road, though. For now it was enough to be born, dragged screaming and yelling into existence. I didn’t ask to be born, who the fuck was going to pay my bills?”

 

I Was Robbed in Panama Part 2!

Michael Ciaramella

by Michael Ciaramella

The drama continues!

Part 1 here!

Timmy continued to play the best friend role, which was actually kind of nice. He seemed genuinely interested in my happiness and comfortability, often performing nice gestures like buying me a drink or offering a piece of his candy bar. Of course I understood this was all part of his plan to eventually get inside my wallet, but that knowledge only made our dynamic more absurdly comical in my eyes.

It soon became apparent that Timmy dabbled in the narcotics biz. Mostly because after asking whether or not I was a cop (is that really a law, where cops have to admit their punitive intentions if queried?), he offered me a giant nug of the green stuff for a “great price”. I declined, and he assured me that if I ever needed weed or anything else, he was the guy.

No big deal, I thought. We’re in Latin America and even back home I have friends who are, shall we say, entrepreneurial.

A couple days go by and nothing out of the ordinary happens. My money and supplies are seemingly in order, and Timmy and I are getting along fine. He had a girl over one of the nights, which put me on the couch for a few hours, but that’s to be expected in a shared-living situation. Then one day, out of nowhere, he pulls me outside for a chat.

“Bro, look… if either of the guys here (they were living in the first room) asks, tell them you’re only paying me $10 a night.”

“Errrr… why?”

“Because man, if they know you’re paying $30 a night they’re gonna think you got money, and they’re a little sketchy, you know?”

I had met the other guys. They seemed normal, but who’s to say what evils lurk beneath?

He continued, “Oh and hey, you got $20 I can borrow?”

“I just gave you $90 the other day (for my first three nights), what happened to all of that?”

“Man, those ninety bucks were gone like that. I had to buy food and supplies and pay off a couple utility bills. You know how it is. So yeah if you could give me $20 right now I’d really appreciate that.”

This was an obvious red flag, but seeing as how I’d have to pay him for rent the next day anyway, I conceded. And considering Carnaval had just ended, I talked him down to $20 per night for the remainder of my stay. I didn’t expect to get the money back, but rather wrote it off as a down payment.

Later that day, one of the guys from the first room, let’s call him Luis, pulled me aside and asked how much I’d been paying Timmy. I’m a terrible liar, especially when put on the spot, so decided to tell the truth and see how things played out.

When I told Luis about the $30 rent, a bit of air escaped his mouth as he shook his head.

“Uhhh… is there a problem?”

“Yeah, but not with you,” he responded. “I need to go have a talk with Timmy.”

Five minutes later, Timmy whistles at me from around the corner.

Psssst. “Mike, come here!”

I approach Timmy and shoot him a “what’s up” look.

“Bro what did I tell you? Why you went and told Luis about our deal?”

“I… uhhh… kinda panicked and told the truth.”

“Maaan that’s fucked up Mike. I thought we were friends bro. Why’d you do this to me?”

“I thought you only wanted me to lie for my own protection, so I don’t see the problem.”

“Ok man, here’s the thing. Those guys want a piece of the profit right? But they don’t do shit. I’m the one who found you, right? I’m the one who takes care of you, y’know? So we have to go back and you tell Luis you were confused is all.”

We had a back-and-forth about it but eventually I caved. I returned to Luis and told him I was confused by the language barrier and what I’d meant to say was that I only paid Timmy $10 per night.

This didn’t bode well with Luis, and ultimately led to the dramatic conclusion of this story…

Coming tomorrow!

Just in: Lorde hopes shark eats poser!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

New Zealander superstar and her very black wish!

And of course you know Lorde or maybe, if you are Negatron, then you know her as that Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O’Connor girl who lives down the street. The New Zealander superstar first broke onto the scene with her 2013 blockbuster Pure Heroine. And of course you have heard the song Royals over and over and over again and maybe, if you are Negatron, then you have shouted out your window, “Hey Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O’Connor… turn that racket down!”

In either case, she is out with a new single called Green Light and in it she wishes that her poser ex-boyfriend would get eaten by a Great White shark. The exact lyric is:

I know about what you did and I wanna scream the truth
She thinks you love the beach, you’re such a damn liar
Those great whites, they have big teeth
Hope they bite you
Thought you said that you would always be in love
But you’re not in love no more.

And wow. Have you ever wished for someone to get bitten by a shark whilst at the beach? The boy, maybe, holding the brand new Merrick with all five of its fins in? Did you want him to get bitten by a shark? What about the kid with his with wetsuit backwards? Did you want him to get a little nibble? What about the babe wearing her leash on the front leg? Her?

I am a dickhead but have never wished for any of these damned liars to meet a shark. Lorde seems particularly rude and, Negatron, it might be worth your time to go have a chat with her parents.