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Stratify: The surfer’s natural enemy!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Without a foil we will wither on the vine!

Yesterday’s story Rumour: TV Salesman to buy SurfStitch was as enjoyable as it was informative. In case you were too busy to see it featured a very rich, Australian man who thought the failing online surfwear retailer/Stab magazine publisher was worth a flip.

Before we go on, quickly, does it annoy you that when I write a rumor it is a “rumor” and when Derek writes a rumor it is a “rumour?” Should we settle on one and stay consistent or are these little nuances part of BeachGrit’s charm?

But let’s head back to the very rich Australian man. In the picture he looked… like a person who likes computers etc. Our Nik Karol wrote:

This is classic Revenge of the Nerds hey? I hope he fucking hates surfers and snaps up SurfStich so he can show those fuckwits the door. Double the shares from seven cents to 14 then flip it to the Chinese. Poetry.

And it made me chuckle but also wonder who, in today’s social stratification, is the surfer’s natural enemy? I think we are all closer to nerds these days, see Kenny Powers, and don’t think they are necessarily our enemy. But who? It is important to have, I think, for our shared sense of self worth.

So is our enemy:

a) the po po

b) jocks

c) dweebs

d) poor people

e) greasers

f) inner city youth

g) anitfa

h) posers

i) poseurs

j) education

k) other

Watch: A Fresh Slice of Filipe Toledo!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

"There's steaming coming out of you, bro!"

Did I tell you about the time I went on a Mexican holiday with Filipe Toledo? And what a wonderful boy he was – how he cheered sunsets, how he never used his higher ranking in the hierarchy to steal the front seat of the pickup for the long drive to the beach or to claim the biggest bed and so on?

Oh I did?

Well, just as fabulous on that vacay was his filmer Bruno Baroni. He never complained about a damn thing, was always helping, and, at night, was very good at improvised bongo.

Of course we all know what happened at Jeffreys Bay this year. No one even came close to touching Filipe at the classic right. And those two oops? And the way he tagged the thing to the beach, even after he knew it was a ten?

Here, in this eleven-minute cut by Bruno Baroni, we follow Filipe as he tests various boards and, ultimately, rides to glory.

Watch!

 

Rumour: TV Salesman to buy SurfStitch!

Derek Rielly

by Derek Rielly

Is this stud going to be SurfStitch's new daddy?

If you live in Australia, you’ll know Kogan.com. It’s the classic online discounter. Started out making TVs cheap and undercutting everyone, until it turned into a two hundred mill a year biz.

Lately, it’s got into phone plans, unlimited everything and a ton of data for twenty-five bucks a month.

Its founder, tech wizard Rusland Kogan, who is worth almost half-a-billion dollars, is convinced there’s a domino stack of online retailers about to collapse and he’s going to be there, waiting, to snatch ’em up for pennies.

As he told AAP,

“Over the last decade there has been a lot of online retailers who have done a great job in raising money building a website and then blow all the money on marketing and building a brand. As a result of that, we see a lot of those falling over in the coming year and that creates an opportunity for Kogan.com.”

And, as posited by SBS News,

“Chief financial officer David Shafer said the company was a bargain hunter and would only buy if the business was good value and earnings accretive.

“Surf and sporting goods retailer Surfstitch and homewares and furniture business Temple & Webster are two high-profile and publicly traded loss-making online retailers.”

SurfStitch shares are currently suspended pending various legal travails.

The last time they traded, each share was worth a little under seven cents, down from almost two bucks back in the glory days of late 2015.

SurfStitch’s market cap is around eighteen mill.

Peanuts for Kogan.

Super Rumor: Adam Sandler buys Surfer?

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

Could it be? Might it be? A little bird says maybe yes!

I’m telling you right here, right now, hand over heart that I’ve never once posted a completely unfounded rumor on BeachGrit. Never. I enjoy satire, The Onion, etc. but once you travel down pure satire road then it is difficult/impossible to ever come back and you need us to be true-ish. Right? You want fact-ish. Yeah?

I think Derek and I both believe this and believe this very much and strive, each and every day, to deliver nothing but the flimsiest truth.

Each and every rumor that travels into my telephone, email box, ear is from either a legitimate source or legitimately backed up.

And this one is from a legitimate source though not at all legitimately backed up.

I’ve rumored a few times now that the crown jewel of surf media, Surfer magazine, was on the block but today and unsolicited I heard who the buyer allegedly was.

Ready?

Purportedly Adam Sandler!

Hollywood’s five year’s ago favorite leading funny man!

Known surfer!

Co-star of Surfer magazine’s current Editor-in-Chief Todd Marinovich’s literary inspiration 50 First Dates!

Can you believe it?

Me?

Sort of.

If you loved to surf, were rich and weren’t known for “taste” and suddenly the crown jewel of surf media came on the market for a low low introductory price why wouldn’t you scoop it up? I would. I would scoop it up if only to print large sized photographs from Surfer’s vault for my Malibu walls. And gift large sized photographs from Surfer’s vault for my friend’s Malibu walls. That alone would justify the ummmm cost.

But again… the more important question is, if this is all true, what would Adam Sandler do with his number one fan Editor-in-Chief Todd Marinovich?

Obviously not fire but what?

Elevate to publisher? To Hugh Hefner status? Make him reprise Rob Schneider’s roll in 50 First Dates for the rest of his tenure? Make him go play quarterback for the new Los Vegas Raiders?

So many questions!

Again, this rumor is so flimsy but there is one whiff of smoke.

And that’s all I’ve ever asked for.

Required: A license to surf!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

A sort of bureaucracy even the most libertarian can love!

I read a very strange story this morning that opened up a pandora’s box of questions in my feeble brain. It came from the famed gossip magazine Hello! and was titled Jools Oliver Reveals That She and the Kids Have Been Surfing for Six Years.

And it made me stop because doesn’t that read like Jools Oliver, the wife of famous British chef Jamie Oliver, and her kids are doing something… illegal? Or at least very frowned upon? Like… that they all low-grade prescription pill addictions or something?

Strange.

But it was the subhead that gave rise to my questions. Jamie Oliver and his family have been learning to surf for six years.

Learning? For six years? That’s a long time! And enough for me to click through. Let’s read together!

Jools Oliver can now add certified surfer to her list of talents! The mum-of-five has revealed that she and her family have been learning how to surf for the past six years, and Jools has finally been awarded her surfing certificate. Sharing a photo from the Olivers’ family holiday in Cornwall, Jools wrote: “Me receiving my surfing certificate. Our 6th year in Cornwall and our 6th year learning to surf with the truly fantastic George and his incredible team. I have only missed one year when I was pregnant with little Bud but as a family, we spend one whole week getting up at 6.30am and hitting the beautiful beach and we learn to surf.”

Can this be true? Does England require surfers to get certified? Should every country in the world do this?

Oh I hate bureaucracy more than the next man, especially if the next man is Australian, but just think how fantastic it would be for people to meet a minimum level of competency before paddling out!

1) Must be able to hold board through entire duckdive.

2) Must be able to identify the peak of the wave.

3) Etc.

4) Etc.

You know the rules. And now after six short years Jools Oliver does too!

But do you think this is a good idea? And who should be in charge of issuing surf licenses? Should we give the honor to Cornwall since it appears they are already engaged in the practice?