WSL
Look at the WSL top 10! It's wild. No Joel, no Kelly and swinging in at number eight, the Brazilian rookie Italo Ferreira.

Candid: Top 10 Breakdown heading into J-Bay

Rory Parker

By Rory Parker

Mean for the sake of mean!

 

 

 

I’ve been in a foul mood lately. The surf has been good, the weather is beautiful and I’m stuck indoors doing jack shit. Cleaning the house, that’s what I’m doing. Because we hired a cleaning lady to help me out while I deal with this IV in my arm thing and my wife called and told me to make sure I clean up before she arrives.

What sense does that make?

I was gonna do a pre J-Bay “who’s hot” type thing, because I couldn’t think of anything original, but I realized there’s no point. Everyone else does something similar, and, besides, what the hell do I know?

So, rather than try and pretend I’m writing something with merit or value, I’m just going to say mean things about the current men’s top ten.  Maybe that’ll make me feel better.

Adriano de Souza: The Damien Hardman of the 21st century. It’s like, how the fuck is this guy in the top spot? Maybe the judges are scoring him twice as well because he’s only half a man?

Filipe Toledo: Filipe looks like some Dr Moreau-vian experiment involving a meerkat and a llama.

Owen Wright: His sister is the better surfer.

Mick Fanning: Mick looks like a Schutzstaffel guard who specializes in rape.

Julian Wilson: If Miss Piggy were a transgender pro surfer she’d look something like this plump little tow-head.

Taj Burrow: More wasted potential than my entire scholastic career.

Nat Young: Santa Cruz’s answer to Adriano.

Josh Kerr: Kerrzy’s cool.

Italian Ferrari: Lucked into the top ten because all the good surfers are hurt or fucking blowing it. Kid’s gonna be crushed when he falls off tour next year.

Jeremy Flores: Would do much better as a free surf pro, if only he had something approaching an appealing personality.

I do feel better.

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Dusty Payne

Five Surf Movies You Really Should See (Now)

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

Want to complete your education on all things surf? Absorb these!

If there existed a course in surf cinema, and of course there isn’t, these are the five films you would watch in the first semester.

They aren’t necessarily the…best… but they all have moments that capture that essential something about surfing. Blue Crush, you might find a little tenuous for its Disney-esque painting of North Shore life. But, even now, if I switch it on and find this one particular scene, it still gives me the shakes.

Come watch…

1. Bustin’ Down the Door

A 2008 documentary that documents in the most dramatic fashion, the Hawaiian winters of 74/75 and 75/76. Why do these winters matter? In 1974 surfers from Australia and South Africa dominated the big-wave events on the North Shore. The Hawaiians weren’t thrilled, but whatever. They became murderous when the Australian boasted about their exploits in print. This documentary is a meticulous account of that violent, terrifying, for the Australians, winter of 75/76. It is the finest document of an epoch in surfing you’ll find.

Turning point: When Ian “Kanga” Cairns seriously contemplates killing a man by throwing him into traffic.

2. Lost Atlas
Kai Neville’s follow-up film to his high-performance statement Modern Collective. Lost Atlas, however, finds a filmmaker suddenly able to express his intention without any technical limitations. Dusty Payne’s sequence is still regarded by many as the best in a surf film for a long time.

Turning point: Dusty’s candid take on women’s surfing, an opinion he backs up with his own astonishing performance.

DUSTY PAYNE: Lost Atlas B-Side from Kai Neville Studio on Vimeo.

3. Riding Giants
Stacey Peralta, the one-time skate superstar turned celebrated filmmaker (Dogtown and Z-Boys), narrates and directs this documentary about the rise of big-wave surfing. Stacey doesn’t do anything by halves. Riding Giants (2004) is as compelling as it is important as a document of an often-misunderstood art.

Turning Point: “I guess this is a good day to… die” Gerry Lopez.

4. Blue Horizon
A sponsor-funded film from 2003 that was meant to show the lifestyle differences of the free surfer (Dave Rastovich) and the competitive animal (Andy Irons) ended up becoming a stunning account of winning and losing at the highest level. “I just want to crush Kelly’s pretty picture,” says Andy.

Turning point: Kelly Slater weeping in the shower after losing the world title to Andy Irons.

5. Blue Crush
This isn’t meant to be a shock choice. Yeah, it’s Hollywood and, yeah, it’s cheese ball at times. But the moment in this 2002 feature when Hawaiian bodyboarder turned actor Chris Taloa tells Kate Bosworth to “stop with this surfing the sandbar horseshit” and tries to paddle her into a set at Pipe? If you surf, if you’ve ever contemplated actually riding 10-foot Pipe, your heart will be in your mouth.

Turning point: That moment in the film when the Pipeline crowd parts and Kate Bosworth’s character… pulls back!

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Hector Santamaria
Anti-depressive? Yes he is! Take two tabs and… move to another groove!

Prescription: Two tabs of Hector Santamaria!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

If depression follows you after watching this clip then check yourself into a morgue!

We believe that surfing is anti-depressive. That cold and useless cynicism is out of fashion. We believe in Hector Santamaria!

If you have ever had the privilege of spending time with the fabulous Puerto Rican surfer then you will know that of which I speak. He sparkles. He said, to me, “I don’t like contests. First of all, you need time to do what you love. You don’t want 30 minutes of stupid. Like, you cannot do a double rotation in a contest because you don’t have the…the…the chi is not there.”

Read the rest of that story here but really just watch this clip. If it ain’t just like Prozac then maybe you are already dead!

Anti-depressive!

Hector Santamaria – Australia from EYE SYMMETRY on Vimeo.

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The 15 Inviolable Truths of Surfing

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

As the earth orbits the sun, as the tides rise and fall, some things never change… 

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”

Who said that, Buddha? Galileo? Einstein?

It don’t matter. The truth exists and there’s no other sport that takes you closer to the soul of man, to the essence of life, as… surfing.

Below, are the 15 laws of surf, as unshakable as the Commandments, as the word of Allah.

 

1. You won’t get better at surfing by going to the gym.

2. Once a child has been anointed as a pro surfer he will never again have to use the following words and phrases: please, thanks, you go first and I’ll pay.

3. Three Triple Crowns equals one world title.

4. It’s never acceptable to snake a pal you a shared a ride to the beach with.

5. An unannounced drop-in is never ironic or part of some retro feel-good vibe.

6. It might be the most totally advanced technology in the world and it might be half the price and maybe even twice the strength. But, it’s still a plastic surfboard.

7. No one can see concave behind the back fin. It’s the Yeti of surf design.

8. All those stretches you do on the beach? They don’t do a damn thing. Go for a jog, heat up the hinges, loosen the sinew.

9. Joining the online commentary about surfers being robbed by biased judges is the equivalent of commanding the dance floor with your hilarious gangnam-style routine.

10. Always the hoot, sometimes the shaka, never the wink.

11. Never trust a man who describes his last ride in forensic detail, particularly if that description involves “one of the sickest tubes ever.”

12. It is always unacceptable to refuse a pal’s request for a dawn sesh.

13. There is no dignified way to surface after a blown takeoff.

14. Ten cakes of wax will always last just as long as one.

15. Christian Fletcher was landing stale-fishes 20 years ago. It makes you cute but it doesn’t make you an innovator.

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Laird Hamilton Gabby Reece for ESPN
"Gabby and I are all about the doing," says Laird (right). "Our bodies are a reflection of a lot of work of a long period of time. There's no secret. You've got to put in the effort."

Laird Hamilton and Gabrielle Reece… nude!

Rory Parker

By Rory Parker

It's ESPN body issue time. Let's sin a little… 

This year’s ESPN Body Issue is out, which means you get to once again masturbate to the toned body of your favorite professional athlete.

It’s Laird and Gabby representing the surf world this year, and don’t they look fine? Laird’s the he-man he’s always been, and Gabby… I asked my wife, “She’s twenty years older than you, why don’t you look like that?”

Her response: “Fuck, honey, why don’t you look like that?”

Fair enough.

We both agree that, given the chance, we’d each be more than happy to play the pat of butter in their pancake sandwich.

But we’d let the other person watch through a window, and when things were getting hot and heavy they’d bang on the wall and shout, “I see you sinning!”

I don’t know whether Gabby or Laird would be into it, but it really doesn’t matter.  Any shame, recrimination or tears would just make the whole deal even hotter.

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Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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