Candid: Top 10 Breakdown heading into J-Bay

Mean for the sake of mean!

I’ve been in a foul mood lately. The surf has been good, the weather is beautiful and I’m stuck indoors doing jack shit. Cleaning the house, that’s what I’m doing. Because we hired a cleaning lady to help me out while I deal with this IV in my arm thing and my wife called and told me to make sure I clean up before she arrives.

What sense does that make?

I was gonna do a pre J-Bay “who’s hot” type thing, because I couldn’t think of anything original, but I realized there’s no point. Everyone else does something similar, and, besides, what the hell do I know?

So, rather than try and pretend I’m writing something with merit or value, I’m just going to say mean things about the current men’s top ten.  Maybe that’ll make me feel better.

Adriano de Souza: The Damien Hardman of the 21^st century. It’s like, how the fuck is this guy in the top spot? Maybe the judges are scoring him twice as well because he’s only half a man?

Filipe Toledo: Filipe looks like some Dr Moreau-vian experiment involving a meerkat and a llama.

Owen Wright: His sister is the better surfer.

Mick Fanning: Mick looks like a Schutzstaffel guard who specializes in rape.

Julian Wilson: If Miss Piggy were a transgender pro surfer she’d look something like this plump little tow-head.

Taj Burrow: More wasted potential than my entire scholastic career.

Nat Young: Santa Cruz’s answer to Adriano.

Josh Kerr: Kerrzy’s cool.

Italian Ferrari: Lucked into the top ten because all the good surfers are hurt or fucking blowing it. Kid’s gonna be crushed when he falls off tour next year.

Jeremy Flores: Would do much better as a free surf pro, if only he had something approaching an appealing personality.

I do feel better.