Mick Fanning's guided tour of J-Bay is like
one of those twisty carnival rides where you can't tell if you're
excited or ready to throw up. Even when the camera stops you still
feel as if you're spinning!
Video: Mick Fanning’s J-Bay Breakdown
By Derek Rielly
Mick's spike goes straight to the vein…
These lil GoPro clips where a pro surfer gives you
a guided tour of a wave are a bit of a roulette wheel. Who
knows what you’re going to get? Some are better than others, and
this, of Mick Fanning, is unusually short.
But contained within it’s one minute is Mick on a wave that
feels like one of those twisty carnival rides where you can’t tell
whether you’re excited or ready to throw up. Even at the end, it
feels like your head is still spinning.
What I get out of these POV waves is how compressed, how twisted
the best pro’s turns are. The motherfuckers…slam… their
turns.
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"No individualism here, no ego, no celebration
of one hero. In surf, as in technology, one cannot reach the next
level alone. Without the people around us, without We, without Us,
I is nothing." Who knew owning a clunky Android phone could be
profound!
Just in: Samsung’s New (Surf) Ad for
Telephone!
By Rory Parker
Y'either going to love (and maybe weep!) or
hurl…
(A note from the editor: Ain’t it the
damnedest thing, how a simple piece of cinema or whatever can make
one vomit, the other weep with joy. This advertisement for Samsung
telephones, for instance, made Rory Parker furious. “It’s a
bunch of pandering garbage that everyone is just gobbling up.
I don’t get the appeal at all,” he told me. I soaked it up. I
wasn’t entirely convinced by the voice-over, and when I read
the transcript of the commercial without the vision I cringed, but
the rest I loved. They totally get it. But, then, as
someone who forever ponders the brevity of life, is convinced they
have some kind of terminal disease waiting to germinate and who
cried and cried and cried when I first saw Blue Crush on a
plane, I ain’t the best person to ask. Whatevs, here’s Rory’s
take.)
Isn’t it cool how we’re all, like, one
brotherhood? Look, we’re wearing the same
boardshorts. That’s sick, I got mine at my local shop on sale.
They’re usually $90 a pair, but I get the hook-up ‘cuz they know
me, 5% off everything in the shop.
Not boards though, but that’s just because they don’t sell ’em
anymore.
Isn’t it cool how being a surfer means that we, like, totally
get each other? It’s such a spiritual thing, sharing waves at my
local beach break. If a dude forgets his wax I’ll totally let him
use mine.
Did you hear about Bob? He’s making bank down in Nica. Rents out
rooms at this place he leases, charges people a hundred bucks a
night. Like, no overhead because local wages are so low. And, you
know, you actually shouldn’t pay them more regardless of how much
you’re taking in. It’d be bad for the local economy.
Have you seen that new ad Samsung paid some people to make?
So cool, it totally gets surfing.
“We are greater than I,” that’d be a sweet tattoo. The whole
thing does a really sick job of encompassing what surfing is, and
how much surfers really like each other. One tribe, bro, only
a surfer knows the feeling. Life’s better in boardshorts.
I’m so stoked that a company finally gets us.
And, oh dude, the ending!
This full on spiritual paddle out thing, people splashing water
and, like, totally shouting empty nonsense into the void. It really
validates my self image. I can’t wait for what they come up with
next.
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“If I ever get a sunburn, I’ll put honey on my
face,” she says. Honey! Nature’s true nectar! “It’s healing. You
can leave it on for five to 10 minutes, and you think it’s super
sticky, but it washes right off. It’s a beautiful little trick of
mine.”
Read about it: Stephanie Gilmore in the NY
Times!
By Ashton Goggans
Honey on face! Getting "French Aggressive!"
Our sport’s pillar of beauty, grace, and poise, Ms.
Stephanie Gilmore, graces the Grey Lady’s pages today, in
a Style feature titled, bluntly, “The Look of a Champion
Surfer.”
Steph is her bright and shiny self, and takes the time to
discuss the finer points of her “beauty regimen.”
Most of it is pretty useless to a 31-year-old man in possession
of the face and body he deserves. But what a thrill, hearing of
Steph’s delicious sunburn remedy:
“If I ever get a sunburn, I’ll put honey on my face,” she says.
Honey! Nature’s true nectar!
“It’s healing. You can leave it on for five to 10 minutes, and
you think it’s super sticky, but it washes right off. It’s a
beautiful little trick of mine.”
There’s a joke in there re: “it’s super sticky, but it washes
right off…” but I’m not the man to tell it. But I will say this:
what a shame it is that no worthy man has risen to the occasion and
offered to help her get that sticky honey off her sun-smooched
face!
Steph says that, at night, she’s been “going a little more
“French aggressive” as of late — a little cat-eye, a little
Givenchy mascara, a little Chanel Rouge. She channels Elle
Macpherson, “that dewy bronzed beach babe look” a la Gigi
Hadid.
Ooh-la-fucking-la!
She touches on her diet’s more sinful indulgence — a
signature orange and almond cake involving something called a
Thermomomix — as well as how she likes to “keep it fresh.”
“There’s nothing better than a beautiful piece of fish with a
yummy salad,” she says.
Oh, Steph! You can be the beautiful piece of fish in our yummy
salad any day, darling.
Look at the WSL top 10! It's wild. No Joel, no Kelly
and swinging in at number eight, the Brazilian rookie Italo
Ferreira.
Candid: Top 10 Breakdown heading into
J-Bay
By Rory Parker
Mean for the sake of mean!
I’ve been in a foul mood lately. The surf
has been good, the weather is beautiful and I’m stuck indoors doing
jack shit. Cleaning the house, that’s what I’m doing. Because we
hired a cleaning lady to help me out while I deal with this IV in
my arm thing and my wife called and told me to make sure I clean up
before she arrives.
What sense does that make?
I was gonna do a pre J-Bay “who’s hot” type thing, because I
couldn’t think of anything original, but I realized there’s no
point. Everyone else does something similar, and, besides, what the
hell do I know?
So, rather than try and pretend I’m writing something with merit
or value, I’m just going to say mean things about the current men’s
top ten. Maybe that’ll make me feel better.
Adriano de Souza: The Damien Hardman of
the 21st century. It’s like, how the fuck is this guy in
the top spot? Maybe the judges are scoring him twice as well
because he’s only half a man?
Filipe Toledo: Filipe looks like some Dr
Moreau-vian experiment involving a meerkat and a llama.
Owen Wright: His sister is the better
surfer.
Mick Fanning: Mick looks like a
Schutzstaffel guard who specializes in rape.
Julian Wilson: If Miss Piggy were a
transgender pro surfer she’d look something like this plump little
tow-head.
Taj Burrow: More wasted potential than my
entire scholastic career.
Nat Young: Santa Cruz’s answer to
Adriano.
Josh Kerr: Kerrzy’s cool.
Italian Ferrari: Lucked into the top ten
because all the good surfers are hurt or fucking blowing it. Kid’s
gonna be crushed when he falls off tour next year.
Jeremy Flores: Would do much better as a
free surf pro, if only he had something approaching an appealing
personality.
I do feel better.
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Five Surf Movies You Really Should See
(Now)
By Derek Rielly
Want to complete your education on all things surf?
Absorb these!
If there existed a course in surf
cinema, and of course there isn’t, these are the five
films you would watch in the first semester.
They aren’t necessarily the…best… but they all have
moments that capture that essential something about
surfing. Blue Crush, you might find a little tenuous
for its Disney-esque painting of North Shore life. But, even
now, if I switch it on and find this one particular scene,
it still gives me the shakes.
Come watch…
1. Bustin’ Down the Door
A 2008 documentary that documents in the most dramatic fashion,
the Hawaiian winters of 74/75 and 75/76. Why do these winters
matter? In 1974 surfers from Australia and South Africa dominated
the big-wave events on the North Shore. The Hawaiians weren’t
thrilled, but whatever. They became murderous when the Australian
boasted about their exploits in print. This documentary is a
meticulous account of that violent, terrifying, for the
Australians, winter of 75/76. It is the finest document of an epoch
in surfing you’ll find.
Turning point: When Ian “Kanga” Cairns seriously
contemplates killing a man by throwing him into traffic.
2. Lost Atlas
Kai Neville’s follow-up film to his high-performance statement
Modern Collective. Lost Atlas, however, finds a filmmaker suddenly
able to express his intention without any technical limitations.
Dusty Payne’s sequence is still regarded by many as the best in a
surf film for a long time.
Turning point: Dusty’s candid take on women’s
surfing, an opinion he backs up with his own astonishing
performance.
3. Riding Giants
Stacey Peralta, the one-time skate superstar turned celebrated
filmmaker (Dogtown and Z-Boys), narrates and directs this
documentary about the rise of big-wave surfing. Stacey doesn’t do
anything by halves. Riding Giants (2004) is as
compelling as it is important as a document of an
often-misunderstood art.
Turning Point: “I guess this is a good day to… die”
Gerry Lopez.
4. Blue Horizon
A sponsor-funded film from 2003 that was meant to show the
lifestyle differences of the free surfer (Dave Rastovich) and the
competitive animal (Andy Irons) ended up becoming a stunning
account of winning and losing at the highest level. “I just want to
crush Kelly’s pretty picture,” says Andy.
Turning point: Kelly Slater weeping in the shower after
losing the world title to Andy Irons.
5. Blue Crush
This isn’t meant to be a shock choice. Yeah, it’s Hollywood and,
yeah, it’s cheese ball at times. But the moment in this 2002
feature when Hawaiian bodyboarder turned actor Chris Taloa tells
Kate Bosworth to “stop with this surfing the sandbar horseshit” and
tries to paddle her into a set at Pipe? If you surf, if you’ve ever
contemplated actually riding 10-foot Pipe, your heart will be in
your mouth.
Turning point: That moment in the film when the
Pipeline crowd parts and Kate Bosworth’s character… pulls back!
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
