As The Sport of Kings attempts to professionalize, here are some new data points to help elevate the low-brow webcast commentary.
American sports are booming (financially) and booming on the back of sport science. The nerds love to nerd out on all kind of stats. Like WHIP in baseball. And PAC in football. Here are stats for surfing. Get ready to enjoy in ways you didn’t believe possible!
PEBAC/WCT Ratio
Peak Evening Blood Alcohol Content to Wave Count Total, a ratio comparing a surfer’s peak alcohol consumption the night before a contest to the number of waves caught in a heat the following morning. Consistently high numbers on both sides of the ratio are generally considered a sign of a short-lived career on tour. Consistently low numbers on both sides of the ratio are generally considered a sign that the surfer’s sponsorship contracts may not be renewed.
CompIntel Rating
A measurement designed to calculate a surfer’s competitive intelligence. Subtract years of formal education the competitor received after middle school from the average hours per day the competitor spends with a personal trainer. For WSL surfers, anything above 0 is considered extremely high Competitive Intelligence. For average Americans, anything above 12 is just considered normal.
FIN#
The number of fins a competitor has on his surfboard. Any number above two and less than five is considered a competitive advantage. (Any number less than three is sticking it to the judges. Any number more than five is either revolutionary or a severe disadvantage.)
T+DC
Tens Plus Daily Catch, the number of tens a competitor scored in the previous season, plus the number of fish the competitor catches while sitting through lay-days when the waves are flat.
The 808
The area code on the North Shore. Commentators generally note surfers whose contact information contains this number to avoid saying something on-air that would be cause for “getting slapped” during the Triple Crown.
VRMM
Victories Replaced for Male Modeling, a calculation of how many heats a surfer would have won if he hadn’t quit the WSL for a much more financially lucrative, much more stable career in male modeling.
ICES
Instagrammed Contest/Event Shots, the number of self-promotional shots a surfer posts to Instagram on days when the contest is green-lit. A high ICES number indicates the surfer may soon go on to post an even higher VRMM (see VRMM).
ISIS
Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, this is not a new statistic for the WSL but when you say it out loud it sounds exactly the same as ICES (see ICES), which can be confusing to some commentators with low CompIntel Ratings (see CompIntel Rating). Also, it’s a good reminder that there are way more important current events than a WSL webcast. Go outside, surf, be thankful for this day.
Stoke Meter
“But how stoked are the boys?” This simple 0/1 binary scale awards a “0” to surfers who are not stoked, and a “1” to surfers who are stoked. The Stoke Meter is generally considered the only statistic that all WSL commentators have a high enough CompIntel Rating (see CompIntel Rating) to calculate for themselves.
So let’s have the official break down for competitors and commentators.
Or did you say “fuck it leave the statistics to math genius paul speaker” and go outside and have a beer.
Bros to Wins Ratio: everyone knows that in order to win events, you can’t have that many bros on tour. The less bros, the more likely you are to win. The more bros, the massively less likely you are to win. The more you win, in fact, the less bros you have! This is a bit counter-intuitive, but remember, we’re talking about people in the top 34, not Entourage bros but pro bros. Pros dislike winners, unless they’re the winner themselves. Then they like them very much.
The guy in the picture looks like Kolohe Andino.
Your name can’t really be Dick Merkin… Please produce a birth certificate ASAP (not one of those fake Obama ones).
The guy in the photo is me