Has Kelly Slater finally been deposed? Will he be
jealous?
Kelly Slater has sat alone at the top of the
sexy heap for 20 years. 30 even. That Syrian skin? Those piercing
eyes? Pouty lips? Wonderfully symmetrical head? Etc. He is a Bruce
Webber dreamboat, obvs. But guess what? There might have been a
changing of the guard!
Hawaiian Surfer Koa Smith just won V-Man magazine’s
VMAN/Ford model search! Andrew Sayer, editor of the equally
gorgeous Later mag, sent it to me this morning in an email
and asked, “How jealous are you?” I tried to be a model once but
was only offered, maybe, to be shot for Playgirl because “They like
men with other jobs…” i.e. I was never going to be a model i.e. I’m
not Kelly Slater. Or Andrew Sayer (he is very handsome too).
Or Koa Smith.
Damn it.
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Dane Reynolds with a mountain and wave over his heart.
The salad years! | Photo: Morgan Maassen
5 Things To Know About Your Next Board
By Derek Rielly
It's the device that either separates or connects
you to the most profound of pleasures. Get to know it!
Go buy a surfboard. Yeah, of course!
It’s that great toy that provides such thrills for so little
money. But how many of us have left the shop or the bay with a
mixture of disappointment and a feeling of being ripped off?
You can’t blame the shaper. Unless you’ve been going to a total
backyarder you’ll get what you asked for. So how do you get
the surfboard you want. And need. Think a little and know that:
1. Volume is important but rocker is
everything
Everyone’s hot for knowing their surfboard’s volume in litres.
I’m a 28; you’re a 24. Life’s great. But knowing volume is no
different to knowing your jean size but being unaware of rises and
cuts and silhouettes and how tapered you want your legs. Me? I
believe the key to getting a surfboard that’s going to skyrocket
your confidence is in low rockers, particularly nose rockers. Curvy
boards are like standing on rolling logs. You want stable. When you
paddle you want fast. Sure, know how many litres are in your board,
but start thinking about rocker.
2. Board design is a game of give and take
It’s physics. A curvy board won’t have drive. A flat board won’t
fit a curve. I know, I know. You read the spiel about a model and
they’ll say, easy to turn and with drive! It can’t happen.
The theory is concave will deliver the speed while the curve in the
rocker gives the turn. What you get is a twitchy speed from the
concave but not drive which is an earthy V-8 kinda torque.
All board design is about adding and subtracting until you find the
happiest of mediums. The more extreme one aspect of design, the
more it’ll lack in another. Which leads to…
3. What kind of surfing are you chasing?
It’s no accident that the smoothest and fastest surfers (think
Mick Fanning and Joel Parkinson) have shelved their air games. Both
ride boards that are made for speed and drive and the most pleasing
of real-estate gobbling cutbacks. Filipe Toledo, on the other hand,
rides boards that… pop! Heavy tail curve! So apply it
to your own game. If you want to paint trad lines, try variations
of the Parko/Fanning boards; airs, try Filipe or Noa Deane.
4. Rails? Remember those?
Square or rolled, what’s it going to be? Rails used to be such a
big deal and now we kinda take what we’re given. If a shaper is
trying to squeeze your 28 litres into a 5’6″ you’re going to get a
full rail; if it’s in a 6’1″, they’ll be rolled to the heavens.
Maybe it’s time we stole some of our control back. You like basic,
easy-to-ride boards? Go squared-up rails. You want volume but a
thin rails and don’t mind a loss of stability. Roll ’em.
5. Team glassing
Just once in your life, order a board that is glassed the same
as the pro’s. It won’t last, of course. But you’ll discover another
of those semi-secrets: super-light boards are the easiest to throw
around.
(Want to see the best in the biz? Listen here)
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WSL Head Judge: Slater’s air “worth
nothing!”
By Derek Rielly
Rich Porta breaks down Kelly Slater's attempted air
at the Hurley Pro…
Did I ever tell you about the time I became a WSL
judge, if ever so briefly, at the US Open? And how, upon
throwing open the door to the judges’ tower, I was greeted by naked
pro surfers serving food while studs or “cockmongers” (a young pro
chosen for his large penis) fondled each other in front of the
judges, arousing them greatly?
Of course, the conspiracy shit that surrounds the WSL judges is
as dumb as it is awesome to read. And, Rich Porta, the Australian
head judge, is anything but secretive about how the game is
called.
In this clip, Kelly talks through the air he nearly made at
the Hurley Pro; Rich explains why it got such a shitty
score.
Kelly is forensic, as usual, and admits to thinking, since he
landed in an explosion of whitewater, maybe he’d be able to ride
out of it and no one would know a thing. Occy did it back in the
eighties at Huntington and won the contest.
“I felt like I screwed up a normal air reverse,” says Kelly. “I
didn’t realise I was so detached from my board. My knees smashed
into both rails ahead of the deck pad and perfectly on a plane…I
got off my knees and onto my feet and I realised I was in the
whitewater. (I thought) it might almost look like it was
landed…”
Y’ain’t fooling Rich Porta.
“You’ve gotta remember this is the best 34 surfers in the
world,” says Rich. “They have to complete these manoeuvres. If you
do the most amazing aerial in the world, the most amazing aerial
the world’s ever seen, and you land on your belly, it’s an
incomplete manoeuvre. Everyone has to realise it’s an incomplete
manoeuvre. It’s worth nothing. The surfers know all that. There’s
no dissension among the athletes about that score.”
And if he’d landed clean?
“The score would’ve been no problem,” says Rich. “It would’ve
been a ten.”
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Five Incredible Shapers You Should
Know
By Derek Rielly
A world far beyond the familiar names of Darren
Handley, Matt Biolos, Jason Stevenson and Al Merrick…
Who doesn’t want the best in life? Coffee,
food, cars, we want the best our incomes can provide.
And the best thing about surfboards? Give or take a hundred
here, a fifty there, they cost exactly the same.
So logic tells us to follow in the trails of the world’s best
surfers: Mick Fanning, Julian Wilson, Joel Parkinson, Jordy Smith,
Kolohe Andino, Dane Reynolds.
Therefore we ride Channel Islands and DHDs and Losts and JSs.
And we rarely lose.
But what about those shapers who don’t have the same media
profiles? Is it possible we’re missing out on new experiences and
new approaches to our boards? Maybe, yes!
Let’s investigate five shapers with whom you need to get
acquainted.
1. Johnny Cabianca
Proof his boards work: Gabriel Medina
Did you know the current world champ had been with Spanish surf
co Pukas since he was 14, only leaving earlier this year when his
shaper Johnny moved back to Brazil? Watch Gabriel surf, closely,
and see how connected he is with his surfboard, how he neither has
to over or under surf it, how it works as an extension of his
limbs. His shaper Johnny Cabianca is Brazilian but, until earlier
this year when he split home, lived in the Basque Country, working
for Pukas, shaping Gabriel’s boards.
Further proof? Lost’s Matt Biolos says he’s as good as anyone in
the world.
2. Marcio Zouvi, Sharp Eye
Proof his boards work: Filipe Toledo
You’d be alone if you didn’t watch Filipe surf and think, man,
if only I could jump on one of those magic boards. Brazilian Marcio
moved to California in the eighties and started Sharp Eye
surfboards in 1992. Interestingly, and particularly interesting
given his geographical location, he’s never shaped a longboard,
preferring the thrill of the ultra high-performance. Inspect the
Holy Toledo, Disco Inferno and Game
Changer models, all favourites of Filipe.
3. Blake Peters, Panda
Proof his board work: Ford Archbold
This is a different buzz to the boards of Gabriel and Filipe.
Panda Surboards is owned and shaped by the Australian Blake Peters.
Team rider Ford ain’t one for hitting the lip 40 times to the
beach, as awesome as that is. Ford likes speed, likes to layback
under the lip, spreads his wings as much as poss, and so, Blake can
make an easy-to-ride board that still flies. Try Ford’s model
The Fried Till You Die.
4. Daniel Thomson, Tomo/Firewire
Proof his boards work: Kelly Slater
Maybe you’ve heard of Daniel Thomson, at least since Kelly
whipped one out at Snapper Rocks in March. Daniel Thomson is a
incredibly stylish natural footer from Lennox Head in Australia
whose move to Southern California, and recent signing with
Firewire, has seen his star rocket. Daniel makes surfboards that
look unlike anything you’ve ever seen. Pretty? It depends upon your
perspective of what a surfboard should look like. Do they go? Kelly
says, yes.
5. Rich Landerer, Rickland
Proof his boards work: Jamie O’Brien.
Born in Peru, raised in Florida, learned the game in California.
And it’s not just tail-throwing, Pipe hell-raising Jamie O’Brien on
his boards. Sunny Garcia, Ross Williams and current WSL surfer
Brett Simpson all jam on his shapes. Attention to detail is Rich’s
speciality. Look him up.
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Meet the panel that would've threw Kelly a 10 for his
non-make at Trestles.
Why it sucks to be a WSL judge!
By Negatron
Now the punters want unmade airs scored?
How fluttery and depressing the response to
Kelly Slater’s unmade air yesterday. The snarling, the bared teeth,
the traumatised sphincters!
“Zero credibility”
“Ridiculously ripped off!!”
“You guys suck”
“So Stupid”
“You chicken-hearted motherfuckers! All you bastards are
cunts!”
“How was that not a 10!!”
And, from Millar Moaz on the WSL website, “The [sic] Judgs
kiled the contast… shame on you!!”
What the judges did do, was avoid
emotion. Rulebook in-hand they stuck to
the criteria, dropping scores from 3.8 to 5.
No argument, no hesitation. The computer kicked out
the high and the low, averaged the rest and… a 4.17.
Judges don’t give a score based on best intentions or how
loud the crowd screams. Just cold hard truths.
Then again I would agree. I am a Judge.
Which means I’m just another paid cog in the wheel of the Jewish
bankers’ Trojan horse, built to hold surfing back in the dark
ages of three to the beach and keeping contests in big-city
locations. Dutifully trained to change my scores whenever the
head-judge nods his head up or down.
The Judges, the judging, I’ve heard it all. Big-ticket calls
like this just fuel the fire of discontent at ground
zero.
Another reason for eight-year-old Taj or
Jack’s mum to accost me pre-surf in the car park two weeks
after the comp, video evidence in hand.
“Everyone on the beach thought he got the score”
Another reason for the normally meek but now belligerently drunk
fourth placing finalist shouting in my ear at the surf-comp after
party.
“You guys don’t want me to win, ay.”
Another reason to send a text highlighting my inability to
see how that window-washer turn was in fact a fins-free tail
waft.
“That cost me the title”
How about we give the judges a break? It ain’t all roses.
The indignity of having muffins thrown at you by
short-fused Hawaiians.
All day in the harsh sun, the only relief a sneaky behind
the sunglasses cat-nap mid-heat
Pretending not to be hungover? That shit takes years of
practice.
I can’t even imagine the leggy distractions walking past on the
beach at some of these WSL events. I struggle with keeping an eye
on the job when a seagull flies past.
People don’t realise and appreciate how hard it is to
write a score down while juggling coffee and your lunch.
So lets just sweep this little noisy mess under the carpet and
keep in mind it’s not always weeks spent in the best surf locations
in the world for our judging panel…
… sometimes they have to go home to sweat out the
coke.
