Rule #7, don't let my wife pay for everything. I
need money for boards, spearguns and drugs…
It’s that time of the year again. Winter
swells are on their way, bringing with them ten million wannabes,
never-wills, and hangers-on.
And house guests, always house guests.
Which isn’t a problem. I enjoy visitors, if for no other reason
than a fresh set of eyes really helps keep the stoke alive. Too
easy to find yourself driving through a tropical paradise at the
end of a hard day hating everything, everyone. Life is just soooooo
miserable. Even when it ain’t. Especially then.
The vast majority of people are phenomenal guests. Polite,
appreciative, helpful, a true joy to hang with and sure to be
invited back. But there are always outliers, the type of fool who
rocks up with an “I’m on vacation” mindset and figures they can do
whatever the hell they want. Which you can, if you’re dropping a
few hundred a night on a hotel room.
#1 Bring gifts: People always ask, “Is
there anything I can bring you?” Which is very thoughtful, much
appreciated. But we don’t exactly live in the third world. It’s a
near thing, sometimes, but Amazon Prime will get us whatever we
need.
Except for Trader Joe’s candy. If you’re coming from California,
and really want a happy host, fill a bag with that shit and present
it on arrival. If you forget, or don’t have time, or whatever, it’s
hardly a deal breaker. But a good first impression goes a long way
toward earning forgiveness for any unintentional trespasses. You
may get drunk and spill a beer on my laptop, but if you filled my
wife’s belly full of chocolates we’ll get over it.
# 2 Clean up: A no-brainer for older
travelers, but something the younger types often forget. We may be
your parents’ age, but we aren’t Mom and Dad. In addition to the
fact that we may try to have sex with you (leave your hang-ups on
the mainland, haole), we do not want to pick up your mess. We don’t
want to pick up our own. But I can guarantee my wife made me scrub
the place top to bottom before your arrival, so a little assistance
maintaining the pretense that we don’t live in our own filth is
much appreciated.
Simple shit. When you see some dishes in the sink, wash ’em. If
there are no clean towels, toss a load in the machine. You don’t
need to mop the floors or clean the window screens, just contribute
a little more than you would at home.
# 3 Bring money: The missus and I are
doing okay financially these days, but that was not always the
case. Hawaii is mind-blowingly expensive, and our first few years
were a hard scrabble, beg the electric company not to shut off
service, five bucks ’til payday struggle. All worth it, in the long
run, but far from easy. I think most people are aware that’s a
common plight out here.
Which was why I was shocked the day I picked up a guest at the
HNL airport and learned she not only had an empty wallet, but an
overdrawn checking account.
“Just loan me some money while I’m here. I’ll pay you back
when I get home.”
Only problem, that assumed I had some extra cash. Which I did
not. I barely had enough to feed myself and my wife, much less
subsidize the bar crawls of a third party.
“It’s okay, I can get guys to buy me drinks, I just need a
little cash during the day.”
She was not invited back.
# 4 Live by my schedule, not yours: I know
you’re on holiday, and Hawaiian time is a very real thing, but that
doesn’t mean you can move at a snail’s pace whenever it’s time to
get ready. You’ve got a free place to crash and someone to show you
around, don’t leave you tour guide waiting for two hours while you
slowly get your act together. My wife doesn’t mind, but at a a
certain point I’m just gonna leave you behind.
# 5 Wake the fuck up: Maybe you like to
sleep ’til noon at home. That’s fine, I don’t care. But if you’re
crashing on a couch and someone starts banging around at 6am, tough
shit. Time to wake the fuck up. Don’t moan, roll over, and try
to go back to sleep. Your alarm clock is your host, do not cramp
their style just so you can catch a little more shut eye.
# 6 Don’t bring anyone home: You may, or
may not, be able to find yourself a fun little vacation hump while
you’re visiting. If you do, congratulations, good times! But take
your target back to their place to plow. If you’re on Oahu
while the tour’s in town the male/female ratio is even worse than
usual. A woman can cruise through Foodland and have a million
cocks flung her way, for guys it’s a harder slog.
One time a hammered guest went missing from a North Shore bar
right before last call. The wife was worried, I figured she either
scored some dick or was murdered. No reason to worry, we’d know for
sure soon enough.
We woke up to her sleeping on the couch, over coffee she regaled
us with the tale of her previous night.
“It was so romantic. He took me to a deserted beach, we made
love under the stars. I came so hard! Then he dropped me off
and went home.”
Right on, you do you. I’m sure it will always be a fond memory.
But, later, as we headed to the beach, I came across a pair of
thong underwear in the dirt near our car.
“Hey, are these yours?”
“Oh my god, yes! I thought I left them at the beach.”
“Dude, he didn’t take you to the beach! He fucked you in a
ditch, like a pile of garbage!”
She did not find it as funny as I did.
# 7 Don’t let my wife pay for
everything: She’ll try to, but I need that money to
spend on surfboards and spearguns and drugs.
# 8 No, you can’t borrow my boards: I
mean, maybe you can. But don’t assume. I used to have a quiver of
shitty boards reserved specifically for visitors, so I didn’t have
to worry about someone using the reef to punch a hole through one
of my bright and whites. But they got stolen by meth addicts, so
now all that’s left are planks I actually like.
# 9 Get a rental car: Your host is
not your chauffeur and the buss won’t let you bring a
surfboard. With the money you’re saving on hotel costs you
can swing a cheap rental for at least a few days.
Check Discount Hawaii Car
Rentals, they’ve usually got a solid hook
up.
# 10 Don’t jerk off on my couch: Use the
shower, like a decent human being. Or, fuck, at the very least
don’t let me catch you. It’s gonna make me feel awkward when you’re
gone and I fancy a nooner tug. Because you can rest assured that
I’ve rubbed one out on every sleeping surface in my home.
# 11 Have a departure date: No
return ticket, no dice. Like legions of previous transplants have
already found, you won’t be able to find a job that pays a living
wage and a place to stay in any fashion resembling quickly. Guests
are great, roommates are a whole ‘nother matter. Thanks to a
previous experience with a family member we have a hard two week
limit.
If you think I won’t put you on the streets at the end of that
time, you’ve got a hard lesson coming.
