This could be you minus all these other people! | Photo: DJ Struntz

Soon: BeachGrit Invitational, Maui!

9 years ago

The inaugural BeachGrit Honolua Bay Invitational is waiting for you!

Yesterday, our very own Rory Parker sent over a very funny story about how much it costs to permit Maui’s famed Honolua Bay for three days. HERE

At first read I mistakenly thought he wrote “Hanalei Bay” and thought, “Oh wonderful! Let’s permit it ourselves and run a contest. We’ll invite Kala and Kai Borg and Bruce Irons and Dustin Barca and you (if you pay your $25,000 entry fee).”

At second read (I have to read Rory’s stories twice because he insists on putting two spaces after each period) I realized it was Honolua Bay and thought, “Even better! Maui has no locals! Let’s really throw a wild and crazy contest! But how to raise the money?”

Insightful commenter Mariano Landa wrote, while I was thinking:

Social entrepreneurs are the scourge of the earth. At least investment bankers tell you they’re going to make a buck and fuck you, me, and everyone else instead of acting like profiting from poverty and public funding is a necessary vocation in the post-internet era.

“Eureka!” I shouted and busily cooked up a GoFundMe for the very first BeachGrit Honolua Bay Invitational! Here’s the pitch:

You come to BeachGrit for surf gossip, blood feuds and Matt Warshaw…now stay for our very first surf surf contest!

That’s right! We are raising money for the inaugural BeachGrit Honolua Bay Invitational. A surf contest for the rest of us! We have found a way to secure three days of primo Honolua Bay swell, exclusively, and instead of hording we pass the savings on to you!

The Invitational will be two days pitting “Pros” against “Joes.” You could surf against stars like Ian Walsh or Albee Layer or even Laird Hamilton. Just picture it! The winner will hoist the beautiful Koa wood trophy and be lauded by his or her peers, but, more importantly, will just have surfed gorgous barrelling rights, alone, for two days!

Also, if there is a “joe” who prefers not to paddle out with Laird Hamilton, one whole day will be reserved for his largesse. He can reserve it all and surf with his five best friends but also be given a Koa wood trophy.

The contest will take place around this time next year. How can you not open your wallet?

Come HERE HERE HERE to pledge your dollars. “Next year in Honolua!” as they say…

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Who does it better at Honolua Bay than Carissa Moore? Maybe you! Hire Honolua Bay for twenty-six gees and find out!

Buy: Honolua Bay for $26,000!

By Rory Parker

9 years ago

Own one of the best waves in the world for three choice days. Do it today!

When I first heard the WSL planned to run the ladies’ Honolua event on Sunday I got very excited. More WSL fuckery! Oh, I’m sooooo outraged and riled, can’t wait to cause some trouble.

Thing is, Maui County don’t have the same rules as Honolulu County, where you’re not allowed to run on Sun. Because it’s Jesus’s day and he’s not into competitive surfing. Or, really, because it guarantees one day people can go to the beach without dealing with contest bullshit ruining their good time.

Turns out all that bong resin in my brain has fucked my short-term memory pretty well. You actually can run events on Sunday on Oahu, just not on state holidays or more than two weekends in a row. Read here!

But, come on, I’m a smart guy, surely I can drum up some sort of fake indignation. Just gotta find the facts to fit the argument. I’ve never taken a journalism course. Maybe I should, maybe it’ll give me some good tips about manufacturing hysteria. Maybe it’ll give me an excuse to hang around the local community college and poach impressionable young kids. Lure ’em back to my place. “Oh yeah, I’m totally a successful writer. I’d be more than happy to read your stuff. Why don’t you swing by my pad later today, we’ll have a few bottles of wine and see where the day takes us?”

In the meanwhile I’ve no option but to track down all the rules and permits and see if anything doesn’t line up. Bad news (for me), it’s all on the up and up.

I did come across the permit for this year’s event, very nice of the State DLNR to post it online for my perusal HERE.

There’s some interesting stuff in there. The WSL is still legally called the ASP North America LLC. I didn’t know that. Okay, I admit it’s not that interesting.

I’m watching the contest as I type this. It’s the first heat and Tyler Wright just a pretty sick little tube. It’s great to see the women surf some quality.

It’s always cool to see how much money it takes to privatize natural resources. Ever wonder how much it costs to take possession of three acres of Honolua Beach front during the three week waiting period, plus sole access to the best two days of surf during that swell window? Only $26,136! Quite a bargain!

Of course, it could be more, if they decided to force an environmental impact report. But it seems to be the DLNR’s opinion that erecting tons of shit on pristine public land doesn’t require one. Very nice of them. They do require you use Deep Blue Surf Contest Protocol HERE and/or an equivalent. In this case I guess the WSL went with “and/or an equivalent,” as the event isn’t listed on sustainablesurf.org’s website. No big deal, those fuckers call themselves “social entrepreneurs” a self identification that never fails to enrage me. “Hey, I bet we can make a ton of money, and not pay any taxes, by pretending we give a shit.”

Remember when micro-finance was the new big thing? Lending tiny amounts at usurious rates to people in impoverished nations? That went well, right?

Mr. Chas Smith is of the opinion that “We should so GoFundMe a BeachGrit contest on Kauai. Let’s do it!”

No fucking way. I live here, I got mine. All you cocksuckers can stay the fuck away.

But I’d be on board with doing something similar on a neighbor island.

What do ya’ say? Any of you chumps feel like gifting BeachGrit some dough so we can ruin a spot for a bit? We’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell of getting WSL sanctioning, so it’d just be a bunch of b-level ability boners, like you and me.

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Just in: Two surfers disappear in Mex

By Derek Rielly

9 years ago

Burnt-out van, bodies found inside…

Mexico ain’t a game. For the last eight years the joint has been wrapped up in a drug war between the government and the various drug cartels.

The atrocities are innumerable and scarcely believable.

Now? You got a swarm of regional drug runners and two cartels, Jalisco New Gen Drug Cartel and the Sinaloa Cartel owning the show.

So when you drive through mainland Mex, and specifically though the state of Sinaloa, maybe y’don’t want to hang around a joint like Navolato. It’s a little understated to call it a murder capital. The Mex Mafia don’t mess around.

Two Australian surfers, on a road-trip through Mex in a Chevy camper, went missing a week ago. Yesterday, Mex authorities discovered their burnt-out van with two bodies inside.

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According to the Daily Mail,

Dean Lucas and Adam Coleman from Golden Bay, an outer southern suburb of Perth, have been reported missing after organising ‘solid plans and reservations’ to be in Guadalajara, Mexico by Saturday 21 but failing to arrive.
Mexican authorities are yet to identify the bodies who were found in a destroyed Chevy in Navolato, at around 10:30pm, one of the most dangerous areas in Mexico.

Family members of Dean and Adam are travelling to Mexico in the coming days and will be coordinating with Australian and Mexican authorities in a bid to find more information.

Mr Lucas’ girlfriend Josie Cox has taken to social media appealing for any information that may help find them and has since flown to Mexico to meet up with Mr Coleman’s girlfriend Andrea Gomez to assist with the search.

Ms Cox has revealed to Daily Mail Australia she holds fears the victims in the burnt van might be the missing Australians.

The Australian Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade has since released a statement on the missing Australians confirming their van has been located in Mexico.

‘Dean and Adam were traveling in a van, departing from Topolobampa on Friday 20 November to Guadalajara but did not arrive on their scheduled date.

‘The families and partners are aware the van in which they were traveling has been located by

Mexican authorities and that a tragic event has occurred.

‘The families hold deep fears for the safety of their sons but stress that they are still waiting for details to be confirmed,’ read the statement.

A gofundme fundraising page has also been set up to raise money for family members to help them travel to Mexico and continue their search for the pair.

In two hours 53 people have donated to the fundraising page raising over $4,000.

‘We are currently raising funds to help support both families in getting over to Mexico and bringing Dean and Adam back home to WA safely. any contributions is greatly appreciated,’ wrote the organiser of the page.

A social media campaign has also been launched to help find the pair with the public using #FindDeanandAdam to share images and news of the men.

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Blood Feud: Gold vs. Sunshine Coast!

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

Mick Fanning employed in vicious attack!

Australia is a world of wonder and if you have never been there is no excuse. Both Qantas and Virgin are very serviceable etc. The continent’s interior is maybe nice, I have never been, but its coasts sparkle. Western Australia is a revelation and both the Gold and Sunshine coasts on the eastern shelf are fine.

But apparently they hate each other! Apparently tourism numbers are slipping for the Gold Coast while the Sunshine Coast is experiencing a boom thanks to hipster coffee etc. I think Dion Agius lives on the Sunshine Coast now.

Martin Winter, Gold Coast Tourism head, said, “You’re joking mate…” when informed of these new facts. “There’s nothing there.”

Ouch. But the overconfidence might belie a deeper insecurity. The Gold Coast has launched a new advertising campaign that shows more hipster coffee, fussy cocktails, alternative surf craft and you’re favorite white surfer Mick Fanning!

“It’s easy living, pretty much…” he says “…whatever you want it’s here.”

Is his fourth World Title there? Is his massive wetsuit neck tan? Which cost is better, the Sunshine or the Gold? And with which professional surfer would you best like to go on vacation?

Watch the Gold Coast’s salvo here and let’s wait for the Sunshine’s response!

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Greg Noll wonders things too, no doubt.

Hmm: “What’s the deal with Greg Noll?”

By Rory Parker

9 years ago

And other important questions.

A great man once said, “If you speak with authority you’ll be treated as an authority.” That great man was me, and the quote sums up how I approach most of my interpersonal interactions. I figured out a long time ago that no one really has any idea what’s going on, and most people will treat any strongly worded statement as fact. Hardly a secret, I know, but it’s a fun thing to keep in mind when you spend a ton of time playing with words.

The hardest part is remembering it’s all an act. That I too am utterly clueless, and the fact that someone believes my bullshit doesn’t mean I speak from any real knowledge.

Some shit, though, I just don’t get. And, no matter how hard I try, I can’t string together a series of lies that resembles sense. The following are some of those things:

Who buys pro models? Remember the Surftech Channel Islands Kelly Slater model? Who the hell bought those things? I used to see them everywhere. Speaking of Slater…

Has a product with KS’s name on it ever actually sold? I bought a K Grip pad when I was a young impressionable lad, and it was terrible. White, so it got filthy, no traction, so I had to wax it. It did look cool, though, right off the rack. Off the top of my head I can remember Slater brand skateboards, a quick search shows that he even had a model on Arbor a few years back.

What’s the deal with Greg Noll? He quit surfing in 1969, right? That’s 46 years ago! But, for whatever reason, surfing’s obsession with its past has kept him semi-relevant ever since.

Why Rio? Brazil digs surfing, and absolutely deserves to have a tour event. But is Rio really the best combination of accessibility and consistency? Or is it some sort of pseudo-conspiracy predicated upon the fact that their surfers have traditionally excelled in that type of slop?

Is Fu Wax still a thing? I was gifted a few bars of a super sticky knock off a couple years back, and it was murder. Way too much traction, basically waxed my chest every time I paddled out. Plus, I don’t surf nearly well enough to glue my foot into whatever position it’s in when it initially hits my board. Which is the same reason I’ve always hated wearing booties.

Why is RVCA pronounced “ruca”? It’s confusing. And I wonder what’s going on with Conan Hayes’s fraud charges? Legal wheels turn slowly, but he’s looking at a decent stint in jail if they can make the charges stick. Which I sincerely hope they do not, since defrauding a mortgage company shouldn’t even be a crime.

Will SurfStitch try to buy out BeachGrit? Oh god, I hope so. I’ll sell out the moment I get a chance, would even agree to stay on board and shill away any legitimacy I have.

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Eat beach grit spam!