Who else would face death with a thumbs up? The coolest of motherfuckers.

Parker: What Brock’s Death Teaches Us

…that life is fucking pointless and cruel, but also filled with gorgeous moments… 

Brock Little’s death has me kind of bummed today, which is surprising since I didn’t know him. Saw him around Haleiwa once or twice, that’s it.

Sure, he was the charger my entire childhood, a guy I, everyone, looked up to. But I’m not usually wired for mourning. I think that when we die it’s straight into the void, may as well have never existed. Which is a prick thing to say in this context, because Brock as so well liked and admired and a lot of good people are really hurting after losing him.

Life is just so fucking pointless and cruel. For a guy like him to be undone by his own body, still super young, lickety-split, out of nowhere… I mean, the same thing could happen to any one of us at any time.

Life is just so fucking pointless and cruel. For a guy like him to be undone by his own body, still super young, lickety-split, out of nowhere… I mean, the same thing could happen to any one of us at any time.

I’ve dealt with my own mortality a few times over the past couple years, but not really on that level. Serious tones from a doctor, “You could die,” ain’t the same as “You’re going to.”

But laying in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of you and a virulent infection coursing through your bloodstream, it’s fucking terrible. Not really because death is bad, it’s coming for us all. But life is just so damn full of gorgeous moments, and I plan on having decades more.

I think that’s once you’ve really really really internalized the fact that you’ll eventually end the knowledge never truly goes away. You try to push it into the back of your mind, why deal with something unavoidable? Still there though, you’re gonna die.

I’ve mentioned before that my 89-year-old landlady lives on the property. She’s a great woman, awesome neighbor. I try to help her out where I can. At that age something as simple as moving a twenty pound bag is nigh impossible. For me it’s nothing.

She took a spill a month or two back. Pretty bad, tripped over her own feet, ended up with seventeen staples in her forehead. Otherwise she was fine, and remarked that she was just glad she didn’t break her hip. She’d seen it happen to friends, after that it’s just a slow decline then death.

Which makes it so much worse when she fell last week. Called the wife and I for help, we ran her to the ER, they sent her home the same day. Then she fell out of bed, called again.

A broken pelvis and seven broken ribs, and if I’m being honest with myself I know it’s pretty much the end for her. Healing injuries that bad take forever, you lose all your muscle, it’s a trial to get back. And at the tail end of your ninth decade there’s not much you can do. No real chance to weight train, when you’re frail at best even a minor injury is serious.

And, fuck, I’ve been hurt before, I know how terrible it is, but to know you won’t ever get back to form is so damn awful. It’s easy to say, yeah, she’s had a long full life. Big loving family, hospital room packed chock full of flowers and balloons. But she’s not a stupid lady, she knows what’s in store.

Not that you can choose your end, quick while you’re young and strong or slow when your old and feeble, but you can hope. I guess I’d hope for old and slow.

I don’t know what the take-away is here.

Just try to live in the moment. We’re all due our share of misery, try and make magic happen when you can.

You’ll either see it coming or you won’t, and one day it’ll be over.

It ain't entirely unrelated, but did you love Mall Cop too?

Choking: A New Mall for Carlsbad?

Chris Murnane Is Fighting To Save Carlsbad, California…

Malls choke the character out of a town and Southern California is starting to look blue in the face. For every victory in preservation of space and small business, the golden coast is smothered in generic chain restaurants, big box retailers, and homogenized watering holes.
Malls offer an experience that can be found anywhere there’s a major freeway. Sure, they’re convenient for the passer-bys, but they hardly benefit those who make up the pulse of the town. 
 The California Coastal Commission has remained politically independent in the fight to assure that our coastlines remain open to all Californians but giant developers like Caruso Affiliated have quite the pull in local politics.
The corporation is responsible for The Grove shopping mall, a colossus in Anaheim that sees more patrons a year than Disneyland. Caruso Affiliate now has its eyes and checkbook on the south shore of the Hedionda Lagoon, a estuary that feeds into the Carlsbad surf spot, Warm Water Jetties.
One of  the wave’s proudest exploits, Chris Murnane, is pissed off and vows not to let Carlsbad submit to the fast buck and compromise the character of his hometown.
Who is this young virtuoso? A brief introduction.
 Chris Murnane is 19 years old and has called Carlsbad home for the entirety of his existence. He works at Surf Ride, pleasantly placing tail pads on new surf boards and offering advice with a winning grin. He studies philosophy at Mira Costa college and seeks the truth in all situations.
In the water, he dazzles with a fluid and effortless style. On land, he’s a shaggy blonde who rocks a folded beenie like Che Guevara did a beret. A tuned in youth, Chris has asserted himself on the front lines, fighting Caruso and his proposed mall.
Through his struggle with local politics and the influence of corporate money on proposed development, we learn what is worth protecting, what is worth fighting for, and why surfers make the best environmental activists. 
Indulge in his teenage rebellion and get involved in the fight. 
BeachGrit: You think your town is at risk of losing something irreplaceable?
Chris: Totally. I don’t have a bone to pick with the city council or with Caruso. I love Carlsbad, I love my community and its being screwed over by people who don’t love it. It’s not that I hate the developer, its that we have to fight for the character that makes Carlsbad unique. Once you build a mall, there is no going back. 
BeachGrit: They already have the power plant on the north shore of this lagoon, a mall would just complete the look of ecological ruin. 
Chris: The power plant as it stands is going down in 2018. They are taking it out and putting in a new one that isn’t such an eye sore. But really what this is about is that the people in charge of our city have an outdated vision of the American dream circa 1955. They propose development at any costs and I think that opposes what makes Carlsbad special. Rampant development of our city is not what we need. 
BeachGrit: Its something you are seeing across America. Do you think the mall will kill The Carlsbad Village? 
Chris: The 91-12 report found that local businesses will be hurt for 18 months after the creation of the mall and that they may return to normal once the mall has lost its sheen. But how many places can withstand a year and a half of shitty sales? Not many dude. Proponents of the mall have been saying how many jobs it will add but they aren’t mentioning all the pre-existing jobs that will be lost and lives that it will ruin. 
BeachGrit: Refresh me on the geography. This is the lagoon that feeds directly out to the surf spot, Warm Water Jetties? 
Chris: The proposed build site is on the shore of the lagoon! 
BeachGrit: Is it terra firma or we talking marsh lands?
Chris: Well, right now its farmland but the land surrounding the lagoon is integral to it, and they are rolling the dice that a 585,000 square foot mall wouldn’t crush the ecosystem. As someone who looks in on the lagoon when I’m surfing, I feel like it’s our job to protect it. 
BeachGrit: I read that there’s an aqua farm in a section of the lagoon and its been quite successful in bringing back a species of bass. I’m bet being downstream from a mall isn’t going to help.
Chris: That’s what really pisses me off is because the developer says that the mega mall will clean up the lagoon. 
Beach Grit: As opposed to farm runoff? 
Chris: Well, as opposed to as it is now but what about the potential for a different kind of project? You can’t get back what we’ve lost, but we can protect what hasn’t been corrupted yet. We can decide. The people have got the power but we have to vocalize what we want for our towns because politicians are just looking to cash out. 
BeachGrit: How can someone help? 
Chris: Instead of sending the lagoon mall to a vote next November, costing 25 grand, or placing it on the ballot in June, costing 50 grand, our city council decided to create a special election in February costing $500 thousand dollars. They know that if we have a whole year to talk about the lagoon mall it would get vetoed down, so they made a special election so the least amount of people will vote. Despite the mall’s 35,000 daily visitors adding a ton of traffic to all of North County, San Diego, they have made the vote only for Carlsbad citizens. If you want to make a difference, get the word out that measure A is going to be detrimental to the environment and local business. Use your passions and get involved whats happening in your city so that our coastlines don’t get destroyed. If we remain ignorant of the intentions of these developers, the souls of our cities will be sold for profit. 
And watch Chris surf, here!

Who else would face death with a thumbs up? The coolest of motherfuckers.

Brock Little Just Died

The big-wave icon and Hollywood stuntman, dead at 48… 

A short time ago, the big-wave icon and Hollywood stuntman, Hawaiian Brock Little, died, among family, among friends.

The coolest of motherfuckers? Yeah, he was.

Brock, a big-wave surfer who was held in awe by Kelly Slater and co, announced his cancer via Instagram. “I have cancer. It sucks, but I’m taking chemo. You do what you can. Can’t believe the person in that picture is me. I look in the mirror and I feel like it’s not me.”

Brock Little cancer
The big-wave stud and Hollywood stuntman Brock Little, right, announces his cancer diagnosis.

When we spoke three weeks ago, he said, “I’m so stoked. I’ve had a great life and what I’ve lived through and what I’ve done in my life, crazy good times.”

When we said goodbye, he thanked me for my interest in his condition.

A few minutes ago, Kelly wrote:

[email protected]…larger than life to me. The world I know will never be the same. I love you, man. Thank you.

Examine Brock’s career here. 

And, listen to my phone call interview with Brock three weeks ago, below.

Inspired by Laird Hamilton's three-day XPT training camp on Kauai, Rory Parker has launched his own boot camp which includes: vomiting your way to a six-pack, aggressive sitting and the importance of a high-fructose diet.

Join: Rory Parker’s XPT Training Camp!

Inspired by the great Laird Hamilton! Vomit your way to a six pack! Aggressive sitting!

It is my sad duty to inform our readers that pre-enrollment for the 2016 Summer session of Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard Writers has been put on hold indefinitely.

Despite the success of last year’s session, which was hailed as “the ultimate in surfboard writing workshops” by unnamed sources, it has been decided that the prudent course of action is to halt business while dealing with pending litigation.

Rest assured, I expect to be cleared of all charges, but feel it would be unfair to begin accepting deposits due to our “no refunds under any circumstances” policy.

In the meantime, I am proud to announce the inaugural Parker XTREME Scientifically Inspired Fitness Lifestyle Boot Camp Experience 5000.

Drawing inspiration from the XPT Lifestyle, the PXSIFLBCE5000 will be held over three days, March 9-11, and is dedicated to helping provide our clients with the resources to make informed and healthful life choices that they don’t want you to know about.

Led by fitness celebrity, Rory Parker, and featuring guest speakers such as Susan Summers, Paul Craig Cobb, and sixteen time world champion Kelly Slater*, it’s three days of lifestyle training you cannot afford to miss.

All inclusive packages** start at a mere $2500, a 500% savings over other, lesser courses, and feature seminars such as:

Smoke your way to health: A guide to various inhalants and their proper application within your existing training regimen.

It’s all perspective: Making friends with the obese in order to appear slimmer.

Cutting words not cutting weight: Instruction in various rhetorical devices effective in building your self esteem by knocking down that of others.

The Low Impact Lifestyle: Extensive training in proper core strongening exercises featuring:

  • Aggressive sitting
  • Our patented RFit Lifestyle guide to delusion
  • Vomit your way to a six-pack
  • Government Disability Application Workshop
  • Offensive Scooter Driving

Dietary Counseling: Drawing from the best scientifical advances social media has to offer, and featuring cutting edge health advances such as:

  • Balancing your humors
  • Bloodletting in the 21st century
  • Creating a jawline using facial hair
  • Proper use of lard as a butter substitute
  • Proper use of butter as a ham substitute
  • Hyper-oxygenating your blood stream with carbonated beverages
  • The High Fructose Diet

We’re so confident in our space age revolutionary training methods that we’re also offering a 100% money back guarantee***.

Act now, because space is limited, and filling fast.

* Guest speakers as yet unconfirmed

** Food, lodging, airfare, and gratuity not included, additional fees apply

*** Guarantees will not be honored

Greatest athlete of all time
Who do you think is the greatest athlete of all time? Slater? Gretzky? Bradman? Jordan? Ali? Pele? Phelps? Spitz? Jahangir Khan? Kolohe says KS! Fans say, "Suck a dick" and "You're a flaming homosexual." Kelly Slater says, "Gretzy is amazing. I'm just bummed he never beat anyone up."

Blood Feud 3-way: Kolohe, Slater, Fans!

“It's incredible that people can be so butt hurt over an opinion,” says Kelly Slater…

Does it surprise you, as it does me, how readily celebrities will engage with their fans, and foes, on social media platforms? Slater is the most prolific, although the San Clemente surfer Kolohe Andino must come a close second.

When Slater turned 44 one week ago, Kolohe posted a photograph on Instagram of Kelly accepting his first world title with the innocuous words: hbd to the greatest athlete of all time. any sport. the best of all time.

Innocuous to most. If you’re a little off your hinge, these words make you see a whole galaxy of stars and put you in unspeakable agony.

@scottlapeer kicks the game off with his dissent, suggesting the Canadian hockey player Wayne Gretzky is clearly the superior athlete (twenty years in the game, 60 NHL records) and quickly engages in a back and forth with @octavisu_flex.

“Ur a fucking idiot.”

“Are you just a little comment section coward who talks tough, then slinks back to Mom’s basement?”

“good one….. Bud. Stop talking, u sound stupid. How many Stanley cups does Gretzky have? A lot less then 11. 😂😂😂 Go sniff a jock strap.”

“can we all agree Gretzky competed against multitudes of better ATHLETES than Slater? Absolutely. Don’t be mad, little fella. Slater’s still good. Chin up there, little guy.”

“Who is we? U and your peewee hockey team? Lol stfu u kook. Slates is the most dominant athlete in any sport. A literal freak of nature. Not to mention his career is 25 years strong and still going. Gretzky hung up the skates after 21 years. Get ur facts straight ‘lil fella'”

“‘We’ is the general population of sports writers/reporters/scholars. Which sport is tougher on the body, hockey or surfing? Thus, Slates’ longevity. Comparing Stanley Cups with titles in an individual sport is a false equivalent, so logically, it doesn’t even make sense to measure that way. Gretzky holds more records in his sport, against a much greater amount of competitive peers, than your boy. What’s next? You gonna argue for Tony Hawk or Shaun White? Jack Nicklaus is even more dominant in his sport than your guy! Roger Federer! The list goes on, little buddy…”

The storm gathers momentum.

From @wrvsurfer26: Find me a hockey player that hits harder than pipeline, Waimea and jaws just to name a few and then maybe you would have an argument. @scottlapeer but obviously you have never surfed anywhere. if you can even swim to know the toll surfing takes on ones body especially when surfing world class waves like the pros do!

From @connieb_totally @scottlapeer first off, you clearly get delivered bags of dicks daily. Second off you only follow kolohe and other pro surfers so you can act like you are keeping up with the times in front of your Clove-cigarette wielding frat Bros who pretend they surf because they have been to the south Florida every summer since they were 9 and lastly if you’re gonna speak, and if your even allowed to speak at all (which should be reviewed by a committee or board of intelligence) you should never fuck with the King (@kellyslater) or his acolytes. And for that reason you should slam your dick in the car door and repent.

From @its_litstagram @scottlapeer by common consensus, It is clear that you are a flaming homosexual that knows nothing about surfing. Why are u even commenting on this picture? Dont u have a Gretzky fan page you can tug off to?

From: scottlapeerNo, @its_litstagram because I’m not gay. I just enjoy seeing you little surf boys get so mad and have temper tantrums over an opposing opinion.

And, then, after… minutes… the owner of the account makes a visit.

koloheandino22 @scottlapeer you’re tripping dude. surfing is by far the hardest sport in the world. just because the fact you have control over so little. and for someone to be that dominant in that difficult of a sport. it doesnt even compare to anything else. won in ever condition. from huntington to chopes. from lowers to the eddies. from lowers to pipeline to mavericks. he has literally left no stone unturned. and has dominated in every way in every condition for over 25 years. theres is absolutely no debate and ill never change my mind that kelly slater is the greatest athlete of all time.

And, finally, Kelly Slater. Hello!

@kellyslater @scottlapeer Gretzky is amazing. I’m just bummed he never beat anyone up. For that Chelios is my man. It’s incredible that people an be so butt hurt over an opinion. It’s no wonder this world is so messed up! @koloheandino22 thank you, my man. Much appreciated.

Read the long, long stream here. 

And do you remember when Kelly Slater had the closing section in Campaign? Watch here!