Inspired by the great Laird Hamilton! Vomit your way to a six pack! Aggressive sitting!
It is my sad duty to inform our readers that pre-enrollment for the 2016 Summer session of Rory Parker’s Kauai Spare Room Learning Academy for Surfboard Writers has been put on hold indefinitely.
Despite the success of last year’s session, which was hailed as “the ultimate in surfboard writing workshops” by unnamed sources, it has been decided that the prudent course of action is to halt business while dealing with pending litigation.
Rest assured, I expect to be cleared of all charges, but feel it would be unfair to begin accepting deposits due to our “no refunds under any circumstances” policy.
In the meantime, I am proud to announce the inaugural Parker XTREME Scientifically Inspired Fitness Lifestyle Boot Camp Experience 5000.
Drawing inspiration from the XPT Lifestyle, the PXSIFLBCE5000 will be held over three days, March 9-11, and is dedicated to helping provide our clients with the resources to make informed and healthful life choices that they don’t want you to know about.
Led by fitness celebrity, Rory Parker, and featuring guest speakers such as Susan Summers, Paul Craig Cobb, and sixteen time world champion Kelly Slater*, it’s three days of lifestyle training you cannot afford to miss.
All inclusive packages** start at a mere $2500, a 500% savings over other, lesser courses, and feature seminars such as:
Smoke your way to health: A guide to various inhalants and their proper application within your existing training regimen.
It’s all perspective: Making friends with the obese in order to appear slimmer.
Cutting words not cutting weight: Instruction in various rhetorical devices effective in building your self esteem by knocking down that of others.
The Low Impact Lifestyle: Extensive training in proper core strongening exercises featuring:
- Aggressive sitting
- Our patented RFit Lifestyle guide to delusion
- Vomit your way to a six-pack
- Government Disability Application Workshop
- Offensive Scooter Driving
Dietary Counseling: Drawing from the best scientifical advances social media has to offer, and featuring cutting edge health advances such as:
- Balancing your humors
- Bloodletting in the 21st century
- Creating a jawline using facial hair
- Proper use of lard as a butter substitute
- Proper use of butter as a ham substitute
- Hyper-oxygenating your blood stream with carbonated beverages
- The High Fructose Diet
We’re so confident in our space age revolutionary training methods that we’re also offering a 100% money back guarantee***.
Act now, because space is limited, and filling fast.
* Guest speakers as yet unconfirmed
** Food, lodging, airfare, and gratuity not included, additional fees apply
*** Guarantees will not be honored
This looks like … Amway meetings !!! Wow they still exist after all this time !!! :-0
Fear… The Walking Dead… show!!!
hey fellas, how about a Meet the Staff of BeachGrit article? I know Rory is racking his brain for more content pieces… Show us a couple shots of you guys surfing!
Sounds far to embarrassing Burnsy.
But… so entertaining! Who wears booties over reef? Who wears $90 trunks, etc, etc.
Hilarious!
This is eerily similar to the press release invitations for long weekend “retreats” I used to write for Anytime Fitness before they made me retire…. I even used the term “aggressive sitting”. I used to put them in peoples mail boxes around the area at lunch time and then just sit back and trip on the fucked up phone calls the office would get. Bunch of fat cunts.
Why are you so sad?
Rory for president!
blowing up Kauai since ’02
And not a word about masturbation.