Humiliation: 7 Ways Surfing Screws You!

Y'know, tripping over your leash, hand-slip takeoffs, pulling back and still going over the falls… 

I hurt my toe surfing a few days ago. The one on my left foot, front foot, next to my big toe. What’s it called? Your pointer toe? A pretty useless appendage, but causing all sorts of trouble. Likely sprained, it’s a magic magnet that attracts every doorjamb and subtle incline I encounter. Doesn’t hurt to walk, but every time I bang it on something, four or five times a day, I see stars.

I prefer the term “foot finger” to toe. Have since ninth grade Spanish when Señorita Martin taught me dedos de pie. And I like to use my feet as hands when I get the chance. If I’m sitting on the couch, and whatever my wife is too lazy to get herself is somehow out of reach of my ten foot long chimpanzee arms, I’ll stretch a leg and use my feet fingers to grab and toss it. Got pretty good aim after all these years.

It drives her nuts, and fair enough. I never wear shoes, my feet are usually filthy.

It’s taught me that, later in a session, as I start to get tired, I sometimes drag my feet when standing. Good to know, a terrible habit.

And it got me thinking about all the petty cruelties surfing inflicts on us. Seven of ’em that I can think of.

Tripping over your leash

There are few bigger barney moves than leashing up in the parking lot, something I witnessed a few weeks ago. Said to the wife, “Watch, this guy’s gonna eat shit,” as he ran to the water’s edge with his rental wax in and a nine foot leash dragging in the dirt.

Sure enough, tossed a loop around his foot, went face first into a mix of sand and driftwood. The guy played it off well, got back up and kept going. Pretend it never happened.

But we’ve all been there, sprinting down the berm to build some speed for a nice long skim out over the surge, only to catch a tangle and eat shit in the sand. I know there’s footage of Kalani Robb doing it, back in one of the early Taylor Steele videos. Maybe Focus or Momentum 2 or Good Times? But no soul’s been kind enough to rip and upload it

Front foot slip to faceplant

Hard off the bottom, feet planted firmly, eyes on the prize. You’ve got all the speed you need, time to push that back foot through the lip.

And at the last moment your world comes apart. Maybe you shifted a little weight onto your front leg, maybe you just need a touch more wax, here comes the deck of your board to give you a kiss with all the fervor of an inexperienced seventh grader.

Pulling back on a heavy drop you could have made, then still getting sucked over the falls

Unless you’re some hyper-talented freak raised in dredging barrels, you’re only gonna stick an air drop into the tube one out of a dozen tries. If that. The beatings are worth it, but sometimes the spirit is weak.

Sometimes you’re a hair too far inside, and a bomb rolls right to you. Someone on the shoulder hoots, you take two strokes, look over the ledge, and display the ultimate in cowardice. Pull back, let it pass.

That little voice in your head starts ranting, “You fucking pussy, you could have made it. You’re a waste of space, a nothing, a… oh no… what have you done?”

Blowing the drop and coming up right in front of someone

Whatever the cause; getting tangled in your leash or hitting an awkward ripple or just going full-on kook and forgetting how to surf, eating shit as you stand is bad enough on its own. But when you pop to the surface a few seconds later, board upside down and underwater, unable to reel it in, and look outside to the guy going next… Lock eyes with the poor fucker as you’re spread across twenty feet of takeoff area with no way to dodge or dive, what can you do? Smile sheepishly, shake your head, apologize.

It happens to everyone, but that doesn’t make it sting any less.

Standing tall and getting clipped in the barrel

The thing about being tall, when all the little acrobat fucker are getting stand up barrels you’re still hunched over, trying to fit your ungainly frame in the slot.

But every once in a while one bottoms out and goes proper square, and you can stretch your spine, stand up straight, and plant the top three inches of your head firmly in the ceiling.

Forgetting something crucial

You really only need two things to surf, your board and a pair of shorts (or wetsuit for you poor cold water souls). Forgot your leash? No big deal, do some swimming, it makes you strong. No wax? Sand or a pebble or a stick are all perfectly functional wax combs.

I can wrangle my million item spearfishing checklist without fail, yet time and again I show up at the beach in a pair of over-sized jorts (because I’m a product of the nineties) and have to make the trek back up the hill to exchange them for something functional.

Hand slip board kiss takeoff

Paddle paddle paddle, plant those hands, feel one slip. There ain’t no recovery, just kiss the deck and skitter down the face. Hope to god it ain’t the first wave of your session. Smells of weakness, the wolves will circle. If there’s more than a handful of guys out you’re gonna have a hell of a wait until your turn comes next.