In Memoriam: The Stab commenter 2008-2016

Chas Smith

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For many years, the Stab Commenter provided endless entertainment. He will be missed.

Bondi, Australia – The Stab Commenter, an influential and stylish rascal, died on Friday. He was 8.

His death was announced with the story HOW TO KEEP DRY WHEN IT’S HOT AND MUGGY that he was not allowed to post under, having been blocked by various administers and technocrats. Many were surprised that he held on as long as he did, seeing Stab itself died just over two weeks ago.

The Stab Commenter was a fierce guardian of racially-tinged free speech born during an Internet revolution and found his voice beneath stories of dubious merit. He soon became synonymous with the website and, toward its end, the only reason to visit.

“Without the Stab Commenter, there would have been no Stab, no Comments of the Week,” said Lex Pedersen, a longtime aide, close friend and later owner of Stab whose business died a few short days ago.

Pedersen’s ex-partner, Justin Cameron, added on Saturday that the Stab Commenter “had redefined the role” of the surf website, adding, “Later, in his long goodbye with Stab, he became a voice on behalf of millions of families going through the depleting, aching reality of Alzheimer’s, and took on a new role, as advocate, on behalf of treatments that hold the potential and the promise to improve and save lives.”

The Stab Commenter’s zenith came a short time ago when he was fed a rich, loamy diet of Words by Morgan Williamson™. His end shortly thereafter when the website he used to frequent died and was replaced by The Inertia.

He is survived by Donald J. Trump.

Future WSL champs celebrate their coming wave pool!
Future WSL champs celebrate their coming wave pool!

Surf: Sunny Sochi, Russia!

Chas Smith

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Sochi, Russia is getting a wave pool! Will the city produce future world champs?

The Olympics are a grand, theoretical prize for cities around the world. When the selection process is underway mayors, governors, even presidents/prime ministers strut their civic jewels in hopes of landing either the Winter or Summer Games and showcasing their goods to the world. The reality may be a bit less rosy, massive tax increases, waste, graft, white elephants left behind, but please! A few eggs must be broken to make an omelette.

I was at the last Winter Olympics in beautiful Sochi, Russia and it was marvelous. Vlad Putin threw his weight behind building projects, cleaning and restoration, paving, fixing etc. Billions of dollars were spent and hundreds of millions went missing, lining the pockets of Mr. Putin’s best friends.

I wrote about the adventure for Esquire magazine. You can read some here, if you are inclined. And if you are not, let me summarize. Sochi was amazing! Both the mountain area and the Black Sea town. So Russian, so fabulous.

And do you know what? It is going to get even more fabulous! Rumor has it that American Wave Machines is plopping a wave pool down in the Russian Riviera! How fun is the wave pool craze? Every city from Amsterdam to Zamboanga can buy into our surf game. In Sochi, I even went to a strange, fake palm tree lined indoor swim thing. Maybe the wave pool will be there. Maybe it already is.

How will Russian surfers perform? Wide stances, I would assume. Thick ankles and posteriors thrust out. Hard to knock off, I would imagine. Possible future world champs.

 

Bob Hurley's merits are numerous: surfboard shaper of renown, creator of Billabong USA, later, the eponymous Hurley. You could venture that he is a man who has discovered something like the key to a good life. | Photo: Red Bull

Rumor: Did Nike Just Bench Bob Hurley?

Derek Rielly

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Can you imagine Hurley without… Hurley?

You know the story of the shaper-turned-surfwear-stud Bob Hurley? How a teenager from Rhode Island earned his stripes at Huntington Beach, became a team rider for HSS, a shaper of renown (sleds for world champs Rabbit Bartholomew and Pete Townend) and then in his twenty-eighth year scooped the license for Billabong USA for $40,000?

Yeah, it’s a good one, and it improved with age.

Think about Hurley in 2016. The best surf team by miles (John John, Filipe, Julian Wilson, Kolohe, Carissa etc), striped polychrome trunks and wetsuits that swarm beaches. Oowee, it’s a heady perfume! You’d think Nike execs would have life-sized portraits of Bob Hurley on their walls and they’d stand dreaming in front of ’em every single goddamned night.

After Bob spent sixteen years turning Billabong into a hundred-mill-biz, he handed back the Billabong license to start the eponymous… Hurley, which he’d later sell to Nike for $120 million.

Think about Hurley in 2016. The best surf team by miles (John John, Filipe, Julian Wilson, Kolohe, Carissa etc), striped polychrome trunks and wetsuits that swarm beaches.

Oowee, it’s a heady perfume! You’d think Nike execs would have life-sized portraits of Bob Hurley on their walls and they’d stand dreaming in front of ’em every single goddamned night.

But word is, Nike has asked Bob to stop coming to work.

A well-connected insider wrote to BeachGrit:

“Rumour is the recent most Nike exec, of what has been a revolving door, has asked Bob to stop coming to work. He has been deemed disruptive as most of the staff are loyal to him. Whenever there is some issue, they run to Bob for clarity. They are trying to keep it all hush like Bob is still the man, blah blah. His car, which he always parked in the same spot at the office, is never there anymore.”

Does the idea of removing Hurley’s essential genetic code strike you as a foolish move?

Do you remember three years ago when Quiksilver president and CEO Bob McKnight was replaced by the man who pioneered the Disney Princess franchise, Mr Andy Mooney? What happened to Quik? Did rivers of gold follow or were share portfolios, careers and an icon ruined?

Or the hiring of Laura Inman from the discount chain Target to head Billabong?

Was that a good idea?

 

Controversy: Wilko in the Ku Klux Klan?

Chas Smith

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Matt "Wilko" Wilkinson wears symbol of hate to the WSL banquet! Laughs ensues!

What is our world coming to? Far right/neofascist parties are riling Europe, Donald J. Trump’s message of ethnic purification is resonating in America and fun-loving goofyfooter Matt “Wilko” Wilkinson is bringing the KKK to Australia!

In case you missed it, Wilko dared pair a cowboy hat with with a bow tie and a pocket square at the World Surf League banquet a few days ago. And also a confederate flag belt buckle.

The confederate flag, which is really the Army of North Virginia’s battle banner, has become fraught with ugly in the United States. And do you not know your American history? Years ago this country told England to go to hell and strong, healthy slaves imported from Africa grew its mighty economy. They were put to work in the south, as the southern states had the plantations that required their labor. The years passed and good Christians in the northern part of the country thought, “Mmmmmmm. Slavery is maybe wrong.” And, of course this is all overly simplified, but it lead to a war between the states. The north vs. the south. The south flew the stars and bars over their military brigades and eventually lost the war.

For years the confederate flag was a symbol of southern pride, certainly laced with racism but widely accepted. Did you watch The Dukes of Hazzard? Do you remember the General Lee? There were no protests when Bo and Luke roared around Georgia. I can even recall some episodes where they had black friends.

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Well, those days are over. These, the flag represents straight up racism, slavery, etc. to most and so the flag is being scrubbed. I am a westerner (Oregon/California) and white so have no emotional attachment to the thing but obviously get that it is a symbol of yuck and not a joke. Bubba Watson, southern golfer, actually owns one of the General Lees used in the television show and painted over its roof, telling reporters, “All my friends, nobody is offended by it, but now with all of the controversy going on, I felt like it was the right thing to do. Make a statement, make a gesture, whatever you want to call it.”

And Wilko? Was he tone deaf in his sartorial choice, blatantly racist, ironic, celebrating southern pride? No. And I don’t have time to think about it beyond that because far right/neofascist parties are really riling Europe and Donald J. Trump’s message of ethnic purification is really resonating in America. Strange times indeed and those wanting to gripe about a fun-loving Australian goofyfooter should maybe use their energy to house Syrian refugee families instead. Or to take the skinheads bowling.

Speaking of Kerr, his IV preheat for “stomach flu?” Total violation of the WSL's anti-doping policy. I hate to shit on Kerrzy, but rules is rules. The WSL employs WADA guidelines, and they're pretty damn clear on the matter. “The use of IV infusions in place of or in addition to oral fluid intake, such as to relieve severe dehydration caused by gastrointestinal distress during travel, without hospitalization, is prohibited." Will the WSL enforce its own rules? | Photo: WSL

WSL violates own anti-doping policy?

Rory Parker

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Will the WSL enforce its own anti-doping rules?

Day one at Snapper wasn’t bad. A bit of a letdown, given the jaw dropping perfection that was the recent past, but you cant have it all. Definitely contestable, a few bright moments.

Fanning surprised me, dismantled a few. I figured he’d be surfing distracted, not invested, go through the motions. Totally wrong, man’s a competitor. I should’ve known better.

His part-time tour status is making me a little uncomfortable. Seems like the WSL is saying they’ll wildcard him in next year, should he not requalify on his own.

And that rubs me wrong. Yeah, Slater set a precedent, but he took the whole year off, opened up a spot for someone else. I’m all for allowing sabbaticals, I can only imagine the toll the tour grind takes. But this amounts to special treatment for a top draw, and that’s dangerous ground for a supposedly impartial governing body to tread.

Wade Carmichael, where’d he come from? Have I been living under a rock? Guy fucking rips, love that style, adore that power.

Poor Banting, what a shit way to start the year. First year on tour blasted by injury, first heat for his do-over marred by poor wave selection and an obviously off rhythm approach. You could see he felt it, started to crack towards the end of his heat.

Kolohe almost surprised me, murdered out a 9.1 on his first wave of the year. Then couldn’t back it up, ate a third place finish. That’s gotta be a kick in the ass, fuck with the dome.

Speaking of Kerr, his IV preheat for “stomach flu?” Total violation of the WSL’s anti-doping policy. I hate to shit on Kerrzy, but rules is rules. The WSL employs WADA guidelines, and they’re pretty damn clear on the matter.

Kanoa went up against a horny Taj and an under the weather Kerr, and got smoked. Welcome to the big leagues. Frontside revs won’t win heats, gotta start slamming down that back foot.

Speaking of Kerr, his IV preheat for “stomach flu?” Total violation of the WSL’s anti-doping policy. I hate to shit on Kerrzy, but rules is rules. The WSL employs WADA guidelines, and they’re pretty damn clear on the matter.

“The use of IV infusions in place of or in addition to oral fluid intake, such as to relieve severe dehydration caused by gastrointestinal distress during travel, without hospitalization, is prohibited.” Click here. 

(And go to 26:18 on the YouTube clip below)

Will the WSL enforce its own rules?

Will we see a suspension for Kerr?

I doubt it was an intentional violation, but it doesn’t need to be, something Raoni Monteiro learned in 2014.

Monteiro tested positive for a performance-enhancing substance during the 2014 Billabong Pipe Masters event. Subsequent investigations by the WSL Discipline Director have received full cooperation from Monteiro and his representatives. The investigation, inclusive of discussion with the athlete, determined that while the use of a Prohibited Substance was “unintentional” and prescribed by a physician, Monteiro still violated the WSL Anti-Doping Policy. 

Monteiro got knocked out of competition for twenty months, gotta wonder if something similar is in the cards for Kerr.

Or will the WSL ignore it? Only time will tell.

Photo: Jack English
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