Kelly Slater, still the biggest draw of the World Surf League, is allegedly not even in Australia!
The sun is shining, the birds are singing and the professionals are almost surfing. Oh the thrill of a new year on the World Surf League’s Championship Tour! The Quiksilver Pro Gold Coast at the famed Snapper Rocks kicks off in either two days or tomorrow depending on where you live/when you read this and there is new blood (Jack Freestone, etc.) and old blood (Taj Burrow etc.) and hot blood (Joel Parkinson) and missing blood (Kelly Slater).
Yes! You read that right! In a wild turn of events, a rumor is floating on those New South Welsh pre-cancerous winds that Kelly Slater, eleven time world champion, friend of chia, enemy of genetic modification, is not currently on the Gold Coast and maybe not planning on coming at all.
Apparently, and from a source on the ground, all the surfers were required to report to the event site yesterday. And all the surfers did. All except Kelly Slater who was said to still be in Hawaii.
Of course and of course, The Inertia‘s hero is known for his tricks, for his mind games, for his sleight of hand. And of course and of course he holds all the cards. If he didn’t, say, follow protocol and instead showed up wearing one of Occy’s muumuus instead of an officially sanctioned WSL singlet (for sale in the gift store) five minutes into his heat do you not think event organizers would let him paddle out? Of course and of course they would!
Kelly Slater is a draw. He is a world title threat (not really but let’s pretend). He is a wonderful surfer and the powers know it.
So will he show up? Our source is on “Kelly Watch” and you will know as soon as we do. But in the meantime, let’s read a little more Zach Weisberg:
That’s not to say we don’t take our lickings internally, discuss and make adjustments where appropriate, but we thought it might be a constructive initiative to acknowledge outrage when it happens, attempt to contextualize it and provide insight from our perspective, and give you, our trusty, loyal readers, access to our logic in how and why we do what we do. Contrary to what you might believe, we don’t really want to kill all that you (and we) love. Not yet.
The Inertia staff take their lickings internally? Wow!
Am….
https://www.instagram.com/p…
It appears Mr Slater is here. Well that’s what instagram tells me anyway.
who doesn’t take their lickings internally?
he’s cultivating and perfecting his stealing thunder game… anyways, snapper is for little brown twirly birds. one thing we know for sure… he’s not out ring shopping for his gf. he’s content on not making an honest women of her.
…silvana in kelly’s slot !
That’s disgusting bro
Tfts wins the internet today.
thai stick, hmmm…
It is his style… The forecast isn’t impressive. But still don’t think he’ll bail the comp, seems kinda silly for him to shine it
That dude is such a kook (zw). Kelly’s gonna show up when he’s ready to be there and blow the lid off the place with the most mental surfing seen in a WT comp. Possibly on an invisible surfboard, fueled by equal parts gravity and zen and magic. He will hoist the trophy, his first of 6 this year, and will retire as the ’16 World Tour Champion, #12, in the most dominant and mind blowing fashion ever in the history ever. And if it don’t go down like that, then I really hope he’s got the sick plan B
He will show up for round 2
Blood Feud: Kelly Slater vs. Australlian Inspections
AI – “No, blood bro.”
KS – “Fuck it then”
Slater is just adding to his mystique. He needs this event to market is boards.
exactly he will be here doing the rounds flogging the boards , (indenting) and by june australia will be awash with slater designs . They won’t sell. By october the boards will be heavily discounted as yet another Slater endorsed product fails to gain acceptance with the general public.
So stupid. You actually just make shit up so that you can get a couple of clicks. “Rumor: Shark attack at Snapper- Is Joel Parko missing a leg?!” Don’t be so fucking lazy– give us something interesting in the bland old world of surf!
Um. No. It is true. Kelly didn’t check in when he was supposed to. But give me your source on Parko missing his leg and I’ll get it straight up!
How about “JJF seen riding a Mt Woodgee board in his pre-comp training session with new coach Bebe Durbidge”
How about you stop outing me everytime I post something to show your worthiness as a moderator? What’s you point? You don’t want me to have any freedom to pipe in? Or you just want to flex the fact that you can see everyone’s info?
An overview of your comments is just someone constantly moaning… Why bother? That’s my point.
X
An overview of your responses to my comments is you dropping clues to who I really am. Why bother?
Let’s make a deal- I’ll stop moaning and you stop dropping hints 👍🏾
It’s a deal.
boring.
get. it. on.
Please don’t stop moaning. Negative feedback has actual value. Positive just gives warm fuzzies.
Do you really want to end up in “Blood Feud: NEGATRON Versus JJF Shaper!”?
Haha, your boards suck. Wait, I should probably try a few more. Get my info from Negs.
The forecast for Snapper sucks so he’ll probably skip it. Get ready for 7 months of will he/won’t he as this his will be his farewell FU to the Brazilian Storm.
an FU to the guys beating you comp after comp isn’t much of an FU, is it?
Neither is a mud brown wave pool in “Fuckin’ Fresno” but that’s what he did to ADS.
Here as of yesterday. Can still make it.
Conspiracy! Kelly no longer willing to fly on airlines that intentionally spray chemicals on us.
Hahahahahaha!
Instead opting for airlines that use only responsibly sourced, organically cultivated, sustainable bio-diesels, that serve purps and chia seeds on all flights, and that have seats upholstered with ethically produced hemp.
Yes! But keep Kelly on…I would imagine it’s all mind games. But……. who ever knows with that man!
Mind games from a guy who barely finished top 10 last year? Lulz.
I’m guessing barely finishing in the top 10 was also a mind game… A long con to set up this year.
I hear he really has hair still too.
Benji Weatherley’s instagram thinks kelly is competing at snapper
who?
Jake Burtons love child.
benji is gonna milk this shit for the rest of his life
AS HE SHOULD
Maybe he is in Thailand and picking up a couple pop outs from his new ghost shaper Chanchai Praphasirirat who is finishing the boards and glassing them light for him..
Weisberg is the ultimate in sacrifice for controversial surf media. That “7 best yoga poses on a SUP” article really stirred the pot for me.
I like the visual of Chas literally standing ten inches taller than Z-Dubs.
Not reporting to the event site serves dual purposes for Mr. Slater, giving him and his worshippers an excuse for why he was eliminated Round 3, while also allowing him to promote his legend should he advance to the Finals and win. While I can appreciate the action’s utility, it is nothing that hasn’t ever happened before from Mr. Slater (he threatens such a thing on the regular). Personally, I hope he doesn’t show up so that we don’t have to watch bogged rails, nor hear the subsequent crybabying or psychological claiming following the boggy loss (if results are based on performance) or win (if results are based on aura).