Adriano will win Snapper! Gabriel the world
title!
Snapper’s almost here! Hurrah! Makes my job
easier, pick apart every bad decision, none of this
sit-in-front-of-the-computer-and-wrack-my-brain-for-ideas-before-giving-up-and-just-writing-about-myself.
Or, you know, less of it. Little fascinates me as much as
myself.
For today, let’s make some predictions. I know I did one
of these a while back, but there’s no shame in recycling ideas. Or,
if there is, I don’t feel it.
If I’m wrong, oh well, I’ll just never mention it again. But if
I’m right… oh boy! I can say, “See, see seeeeee! I told
ya’ so.
ADS will win Snapper: The forecast looks like
it’s gonna be small, the WSL didn’t revamp scoring criteria, and
his #1 spot will feed him green ‘QS kids in the early rounds. He’ll
build momentum, sit on people once he gains the lead, and end up
shipping home a didgeridoo.
Oh, and Mick’ll go out on round tww.
Medina will win the title: With his sophomore
slump behind him he’ll shake out the butterflies and go back to
form. One of the best surfers on tour, a murderous grip on heat
tactics, and a solid, if not death defying, game in waves of
consequence. I’m tempted to give the nod to Filipe, but unless he’s
spent some time with a sports psychologist in the off season I
don’t think he’ll bring it at the scary stops.
Injuries, injuries, injuries: 2015 mangled
bodies. Banting, Bede, Owen, JJ, Jordy, Flores, Bourez, and Simpo
all missed events due to injury last year. No surprise, modern high
performance surfing tears your ass apart.
2016 ain’t getting easier, and the surfers aren’t getting any
younger. The only question is which guy’s gonna get drug screaming
from the water with an exploded knee and a dead career. (I’m
guessing Banting.)
Cali ain’t got a chance: Life’s just too
damn easy if you grow up within a stone’s throw of the SoCal surf
industry ghetto. You gotta be hungry to win it. Yeah, Conner and
Kanoa surf real good, but I just don’t see the magic. Winning ‘QS
events isn’t an indicator of success, every guy on tour won ’em.
Kolohe doesn’t have it, try as he might, and Nat Young is looking
at a journeyman career. Top ten finishes for life, but he’ll never
clutch the top spot.
Speaking of Kanoa Igarashi,
ya’ ever seen this picture of Stu Kennedy throttling him?
Great stuff! (Thanks to James B for posting this on his site.
I’d’ve never known about I otherwise.)
If I wanted to be a real dick, and I do, I’m calling Igarashi a
one-and-done. Too small, needs to pack on some mass before he can
be a real contender. Which could happen, I guess. Young certainly
started surfing better once his body toned down the lankiness.
This will be the last year we see the WCT in its current
form: Grossly inflated viewership numbers aside, it’s
hard to see the WSL as anything but a sinking ship. Failure to find
an event sponsor for J-Bay is mind boggling. A surfer nearly got
eaten by a shark last year! How can you fail to sell that angle? If
there’s one thing non-surfers will tune in for it’s the chance for
a taste of blood. Fiji still languishes unloved as well. And Target
has kicked the women to the curb.
In it’s current form the WSL is trying too hard to be cool,
blasé. But we all know there’s nothing cool about trying to be so.
Hip cats don’t give a shit what anyone thinks, they just do their
thing and others marvel.
But you can’t focus group that shit, so I’m calling X Games
level zaniness. Explosions and brightly colored graphics, and an
ever increasing level of hyperbole.
You’ll hear the words “wrap,” “jam,” and “knife” so many
times it’ll make you want to smash your dick with a hammer
just so you can be momentarily distracted from the total lack of
vocabulary the commentary team employs. Seriously, guys, we’ve got
a rick fucking lexicon and tons of proper words to describe
maneuvers. I know you know ’em. Use them, please.