It is a near spring day like any other in Los
Angeles, California. Clouds speckle the warm enough sky. Cars drive
down the streets going places. I check my phone. There is some fun
news. The New York Times has a story on how Donald J. Trump cajoled
his way into the Republican Party. He wanted to be accepted and so
he spent a lot of money and was accepted. I post a picture on
Instagram. Then I log on to the World Surf League and watch Kolohe
Andino defeat Matt Banting and then I fall in love with an older
brunette.
I remember when Joel Parkinson first came on to the professional
surf scene. I am that old. He was a Coolie Kid, part of an exciting
new Australian movement and even though I wasn’t Australian I liked
what they represented though their spice soon wore off. I found the
blonde one extremely boring. He called me a “fucking Jew.” I found
the brunette very much more handsome but equally dull.
“How could people enjoy Joel Parkinson’s surfing?” I wondered to
myself. And also out loud. “It’s smooth, whatever that means,
but…what does that mean?” I didn’t really understand.
But today as I watch him surf ok on fairly fun Snapper and
everything clicks into place. I totally get it. Every muscle of his
body is perfectly aligned. Every sinew dropping, driving, spraying,
reloading. His rail does not slide unless he wants it too. His arcs
are clean. Consistent. He surfs absolutely beautifully.
Why didn’t I see this before? As a younger man I suppose my head
was only turned by air and by power. As an older man my head is
turned by grace.
Goddamn is Joel Parkinson graceful.
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WSL Responds to Anti-Doping Violation!
By Rory Parker
Unscrupulous low-level media outlet speculates
wildly!
It’s the story on everyone’s lips,Josh
Kerr violates WADA guidelines. Small-wave legend, barrel
slayer, big-wave victor, one of the proud few to spin a free surf
career into World Tour success. A feat more difficult than
transitioning from amateur porn to Hollywood stardom.
Unscrupulous low level media online outlets are speculating
wildly, the mainstream men keeping lips tightly buttoned, lest they
offend. And the fans wait with bated breathe, wondering, “What
shall be?”
A tour without Kerr would be a mundane attack on our hearts and
minds, a terrifying descent into sporting legitimacy that would lay
waste to our proud tradition of free spirited blood stream
alteration.
Unscrupulous low-level media online
outlets are speculating wildly, the mainstream men
keeping lips tightly buttoned, lest they offend. And the fans wait
with bated breathe, wondering, “What shall be?”
Are we witnessing the end of a icon?
Will the WSL’s wrath fall with the fury of mighty Mjölnir?
Why the radio silence? Is it indicative of corruption, a behind
the scenes campaign to temper the Brazilian storm with the power of
intravenous infusions?
I reached out to Dave Prodan, WSL VP of Communications, to find
out more. His response? Shocking revelations, sure to change the
course of the world.
With regards to Josh Kerr’s treatment on the Gold Coast, a
TUE was approved in accordance with the WSL Anti-Doping Policy and
WADA International Standards. The certified medical staff on site
were authorized to administer the treatment in those
circumstances.
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Day 2, QuikPro: “Slater looked so
sad!”
By Longtom
And Julian Wilson looked drugged and
uninterested…
What if he’s right?
Nostalgia is a bitch, even in the great game of
surf journalism, but things used to be looser.
Truly.
We’d cover events on the ground, not the webcast. Stab
mag used to send two journalists to an event. This was before the
WSL tightened everything up and made you sign your life away to
write anything about anyone. To enter the contest area now you have
to accept that “damaging the WSL brand” could see you evicted by
hired goons.
Who the fuck needs that noise? Not this peacenik.
But I needed to answer a question and the webby wouldn’t do. To
preface, like you, I like to mix my pro surfing with politics,
especially the American presidential variety.
Now, doesn’t it seem sometimes like the schizoid polarised
American debate deals with completely separate realities, different
Americas? And hasn’t the commentary on pro surfing become captive
to the same forces?
Even here, on our beloved Grit, there’s an orthodoxy
that pro surfing is doomed to fail, the WSL is a heartbeat away
from total business oblivion. And yet Paul Speaker is all over
every mainstream business publication spruiking pro surfing as the
great sporting success story of our era, at the vanguard of the
online age. A live streaming miracle.
I woke in my car down by the railroad tracks in South Tweed, off
Broadway, cheap bookstores, porn shop, few grimy ice addicts
looking for a morning coffee. Grim. Less than a mile from the blue
water and the Superbank.
Yes, in the words of economist JK Galbraith: “Out of the
pecuniary pressures and fashions of the time businesses cultivate
their own version of the truth…..with no necessary relation to
reality”.
But fuck, I thought, as I heard an update of the QuikPro on
national radio, what if Speaker is right.
What if he’s right.
I woke in my car down by the railroad tracks in South Tweed, off
Broadway, cheap bookstores, porn shop, few grimy ice addicts
looking for a morning coffee. Grim. Less than a mile from the blue
water and the Superbank.
Walked through the contest site unmolested, no pros fronted me.
Watched Filipe Toledo walk out to the rocks. Online and in the
latest Hurley ad he looks like the kid last picked for indoor
soccer but he’s put on twenty pounds of muscle, on the legs and
buttocks. He looks like a Romanian gymnast intravenously fed a diet
of calf blood and pure Testosterone.
Out on the rocks near the jump off next to a weird gaggle of
photogs. Non surfers. A guy in English premier league soccer kit, a
sixties acid rock throwback who looked like Dennis Hopper in
Apocalypse Now and a stunning red head in a cat-woman
bodysuit.
The acid throwback was an old pro by the name of Tommy Campion.
We exchanged business cards, as gentlemen do.
“What do you think of the health of this pro surfing thing
Tommy? Ascending or descending?” I asked.
“It’s one of the most exciting sports ever, it’s so interesting.
The talent is thick. It’s only gunna get bigger and bigger”. That’s
what he said. Not on anyone’s payroll.
What if he’s right?
Cat-woman said she found the passion and the talent
intoxicating. She loved to be close to the action. We got moved on
by the drone operators, much to Tommy’s disgust.
The crowd thickened for Kelly. Sweat flowed freely down every
cleavage, into every orifice. The surf looked better than it did on
the webby. Kelly’s board looked as bad as it did on the webby.
Worse. It looked as drab and depressing as an English winter.
I watched the heat beachside with Stuey Kennedy’s manager. Black
clouds piled up against the Queensland sun. Rain mixed with
sweat, no-one moved. Stu lives in a modest brick and tile house,
where he can often be found mowing the lawn. He was riding a Slater
design, well, Dan Thomson-designed Firewire.
The crowd thickened for Kelly. Sweat flowed freely down every
cleavage, into every orifice. The surf looked better than it did on
the webby. Kelly’s board looked as bad as it did on the webby.
Worse. It looked as drab and depressing as an English winter.
“He needs to drop the hammer”, said Stu’s manager.
Stuey dropped the hammer. The live impact dwarfed the webcast,
the intent was visceral. Bosoms and buttocks jiggled in pleasure,
grown men threw their fists in the air.
“If they don’t give that a fucking nine, I’m going to climb that
tower and rip their fucking hearts out”, said the manager.
They gave him a nine-five.
And that was it. Slater dead last in the first contest of the
Year.
Later, like Nick Carroll suggested, I listened to Kelly’s
post-loss presser, prepared to take it at face value. He said he
felt loosey-goosey and that you can’t base anything on a contest
result. But his eyes looked so sad. He looked done. Like he’d based
everything on a contest result. Long way back at 44 from last place
at Snapper with Bells, Margies and Brazil ahead.
At least he got a return on investment by having Stuey on the
Slater designs – didn’t they look great under his feet Chas! –
as his victor.
In pissing rain, I drove back to Byron Bay to get a conversation
with one of the most knowledgeable people on both pro surfing and
Stuey Kennedy, Lennox kingpin James “Taipan” Woods.
It went like this:
Taipan: “It’s very surprising Kelly didn’t ride
that same style of board, that Stuey rode. You could see how lively
that board looked for Stuey. That board he rode looked bad. I guess
he feels something in it, something we can’t see.
Longtom: Is it time for Kelly to shuffle off
stage?
Taipan: I don’t think so. I’m sure if we get
some swell he’ll fire….last year was so bad.
Longtom: If your performance is reliant on good
waves….then you’re cooked, right?
Taipan: It’ll be interesting to see if he even
goes to Bells.
Longtom: Early Easter, almost guaranteed to be
shit surf at Bells. Let’s be honest, unless the surf is pumping
Kelly is looking ordinary.
Taipan: I think that’s due to what he’s riding,
I really do. He’s trying to prove some kind of point, but he hasn’t
ridden any Tomo’s in any events. I think he needs to try that, what
he’s riding now isn’t working.
Longtom: Why wouldn’t he be on the Tomo’s
though, that’s his board label?
Taipan: I know it’s weird.
Longtom: In terms of pressure, how did you
think Stuey responded, he got kinda lowballed on his first two
waves?
Taipan: He responded well to that, but that’s
the type of character he is though. He can rise in those moments,
he did at Sunset.
Longtom: How would you describe his
character?
Taipan: Stubborn. He’s got belief. He’s unique,
for sure.
Longtom: How do you think he’ll go against the
Brazilians, cause they’ll be ferocious in the water?
Taipan: He’s pretty confrontational. He’s had
blow-ups heaps of times on the QS. He won’t back down at all. He’ll
tell you what he’s thinking. He’s very upfront.
And the rest?
Julian: Looked drugged and uninterested.
Jordy: Oops, there goes another year.
JJF: JJF and Bede Durbidge? Is that the best duo since Torvill
and Dean?
Ryan Callinan: Did I tell you this kid was the best rookie on
tour?
Conner Coffin: I was wrong, he looks so much better in the
flesh.
As to the question, is Speaker right? Is Pro surfing on the
ascendancy?
Heart says no, head says yes. At least in Australia, the
heartland of pro surfing. Shit is more mainstream than tennis. Now,
about these “athletes” who come out of the off-season looking like
condoms stuffed with walnuts.
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Parker on: Slater’s Boards! Dog
Massage!
By Rory Parker
Also, musings on the sisterhood of girl scouts and
creeps who hang around with kids…
I’m not feeling great today. Went grocery
shopping last night, the girl scouts were selling cookies out
front. Had a bunch of cash on me, purchased a shameful amount, ate
until I was sick.
I think the cookie sales are supposed to teach the girls about
entrepreneurship. Or something like that. I wasn’t a girl scout, I
don’t know much about them. Except that they’re not associated with
the boy scouts. Where the boy scouts are all about facism and
homophobia, the little girls are all about sisterhood.
I don’t trust men who enjoy the company of children that don’t
belong to them. Weird shit, that. Don’t feed me a line about how
children are surprisingly intelligent. They just don’t have a
filter, but neither do I. Hanging around kids is suspect, watching
them at play deserves an arrest.
Whatever, just give me the cookies. And, please, don’t make me
buy them from your daughter. I have no interest in speaking with a
little girl. I don’t feel like standing around while she stutters
out prices and tries to count out the boxes I want.
I don’t trust men who enjoy the company of children that don’t
belong to them. Weird shit, that. Don’t feed me a line about how
children are surprisingly intelligent. They just don’t have a
filter, but neither do I. Hanging around kids is suspect, watching
them at play deserves an arrest.
Thirteen boxes, that’s how many cookies I went home with.
Fucking shameful. My wife’s already eaten three entire boxes on her
own.
She also wants to pay some lady to massage our dog. There was a
flyer at the high end feed store where we buy his overpriced food.
$60 an hour, that’s what the lady charges.
“Mr Debs would love it!”
“Of course he would. He likes it when you pay attention to him.
I’m not paying some lady to pet my dog.”
“She doesn’t pet him, it’s a massage.”
“What’s the difference? It’s rubbing on a dog for money. She’s
basically an animal hooker.”
“No, it’s different. It helps with joints and digestion.”
“It says that on the flyer, that doesn’t mean anything. What’s
she basing that on? It’s not like a dog can tell her. I wouldn’t
trust anyone who honestly considers dog massage to be a thing.”
“It says she’s certified.”
“By who?”
“What do you mean?”
“Who certified her? The dog massage academy? Where do they get
their accreditation?”
“It doesn’t say, it…”
“It’s bullshit. The fact that someone claims to be certified in
dog massage makes me trust them less. This lady’s probably a dog
raper, or she’s gonna hurt him really bad because she’s a
fool.”
“Well I think Mr Debs would like it.”
“Mr Debs like it when you kick him. He’s a fucking idiot.”
I’ve been getting really into chicken fighting the last few
months. It’s a fascinating scene, one I’d love to write about. But
it’s totally illegal, and the missus has outed me to the Kauai
legal community, some of whom apparently read BeachGrit, so I can
really only mention it in passing. Rest assured, it’s a very fun,
if totally morally reprehensible, time. So I’m just gonna continue
betting on bird murder and leave it at that.
Make that four boxes of girl scout cookies the wife has wolfed
down. She just polished off another.
Slater’s new banana board, seriously? When are people gonna
learn, if he’s riding it, you can’t. For all dear Robert has done
for the progression of the sport, advancing board design ain’t one
of them. I shudder to think about all the wasted sessions of the
early nineties, back when I thought a 6’2 x 17″ x 1 ¾” elf shoe
sled was the best equipment I could get. Fucking terrible. So much
bogging, so much flailing.
The fact that he’s riding it in a heat doesn’t give me great
confidence in his efficacy as a fantasy surfer anchor. Seems to me
he pulls out the odd jobs when he’s not really feeling it, gets
back on normal(ish) boards when he’s invested in a win.
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Retire: Kelly just lost to Who
Kennedy!
By Chas Smith
Should Kelly Slater pull a Freddy P? (Hint:
Yes!)
I am still a little confused about the World
Surf League format. Like, when surfers lose in the second round
they’re out of the contest right? The second round is not a no
losers round right? I think.
And Kelly lost in the second round to Stu Kennedy who was riding
a Firewire. Kelly owns Firewire. Stu owned Kelly. And is it time
for the man to make a Fred Pattachia and smash his Slater Designs
on the rocks and step away? I think.
It ain’t pathetic yet. Kelly still surfs but getting smashed by
Stu does not really add much to the legend. So what do you think?
Is it time for the eleven time world champ to hang it up? I’ll give
you a hint if you want. Yes.