Parker on: Slater’s Boards! Dog Massage!

Rory Parker

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Also, musings on the sisterhood of girl scouts and creeps who hang around with kids… 

I’m not feeling great today. Went grocery shopping last night, the girl scouts were selling cookies out front. Had a bunch of cash on me, purchased a shameful amount, ate until I was sick.

I think the cookie sales are supposed to teach the girls about entrepreneurship. Or something like that. I wasn’t a girl scout, I don’t know much about them. Except that they’re not associated with the boy scouts. Where the boy scouts are all about facism and homophobia, the little girls are all about sisterhood.

I don’t trust men who enjoy the company of children that don’t belong to them. Weird shit, that. Don’t feed me a line about how children are surprisingly intelligent. They just don’t have a filter, but neither do I. Hanging around kids is suspect, watching them at play deserves an arrest.

Whatever, just give me the cookies. And, please, don’t make me buy them from your daughter. I have no interest in speaking with a little girl. I don’t feel like standing around while she stutters out prices and tries to count out the boxes I want.

I don’t trust men who enjoy the company of children that don’t belong to them. Weird shit, that. Don’t feed me a line about how children are surprisingly intelligent. They just don’t have a filter, but neither do I. Hanging around kids is suspect, watching them at play deserves an arrest.

Thirteen boxes, that’s how many cookies I went home with. Fucking shameful. My wife’s already eaten three entire boxes on her own.

She also wants to pay some lady to massage our dog. There was a flyer at the high end feed store where we buy his overpriced food. $60 an hour, that’s what the lady charges.

“Mr Debs would love it!”

“Of course he would. He likes it when you pay attention to him. I’m not paying some lady to pet my dog.”

“She doesn’t pet him, it’s a massage.”

“What’s the difference? It’s rubbing on a dog for money. She’s basically an animal hooker.”

“No, it’s different. It helps with joints and digestion.”

“It says that on the flyer, that doesn’t mean anything. What’s she basing that on? It’s not like a dog can tell her. I wouldn’t trust anyone who honestly considers dog massage to be a thing.”

“It says she’s certified.”

“By who?”

“What do you mean?”

“Who certified her? The dog massage academy? Where do they get their accreditation?”

“It doesn’t say, it…”

“It’s bullshit. The fact that someone claims to be certified in dog massage makes me trust them less. This lady’s probably a dog raper, or she’s gonna hurt him really bad because she’s a fool.”

“Well I think Mr Debs would like it.”

“Mr Debs like it when you kick him. He’s a fucking idiot.”

I’ve been getting really into chicken fighting the last few months. It’s a fascinating scene, one I’d love to write about. But it’s totally illegal, and the missus has outed me to the Kauai legal community, some of whom apparently read BeachGrit, so I can really only mention it in passing. Rest assured, it’s a very fun, if totally morally reprehensible, time. So I’m just gonna continue betting on bird murder and leave it at that.

Make that four boxes of girl scout cookies the wife has wolfed down. She just polished off another.

Slater’s new banana board, seriously? When are people gonna learn, if he’s riding it, you can’t. For all dear Robert has done for the progression of the sport, advancing board design ain’t one of them. I shudder to think about all the wasted sessions of the early nineties, back when I thought a 6’2 x 17″ x 1 ¾” elf shoe sled was the best equipment I could get. Fucking terrible. So much bogging, so much flailing.

The fact that he’s riding it in a heat doesn’t give me great confidence in his efficacy as a fantasy surfer anchor. Seems to me he pulls out the odd jobs when he’s not really feeling it, gets back on normal(ish) boards when he’s invested in a win.

Stu Kennedy
Kelly lost in the second round to Stu Kennedy who was riding a Firewire. Kelly owns Firewire. Stu owned Kelly. And is it time for the man to make a Fred Pattachia and smash his Slater Designs on the rocks and step away? I think.

Retire: Kelly just lost to Who Kennedy!

Chas Smith

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Should Kelly Slater pull a Freddy P? (Hint: Yes!)

I am still a little confused about the World Surf League format. Like, when surfers lose in the second round they’re out of the contest right? The second round is not a no losers round right? I think.

And Kelly lost in the second round to Stu Kennedy who was riding a Firewire. Kelly owns Firewire. Stu owned Kelly. And is it time for the man to make a Fred Pattachia and smash his Slater Designs on the rocks and step away? I think.

It ain’t pathetic yet. Kelly still surfs but getting smashed by Stu does not really add much to the legend. So what do you think? Is it time for the eleven time world champ to hang it up? I’ll give you a hint if you want. Yes.

P.S. Matt Warshaw! I finally agree!

In Memoriam: The Stab commenter 2008-2016

Chas Smith

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For many years, the Stab Commenter provided endless entertainment. He will be missed.

Bondi, Australia – The Stab Commenter, an influential and stylish rascal, died on Friday. He was 8.

His death was announced with the story HOW TO KEEP DRY WHEN IT’S HOT AND MUGGY that he was not allowed to post under, having been blocked by various administers and technocrats. Many were surprised that he held on as long as he did, seeing Stab itself died just over two weeks ago.

The Stab Commenter was a fierce guardian of racially-tinged free speech born during an Internet revolution and found his voice beneath stories of dubious merit. He soon became synonymous with the website and, toward its end, the only reason to visit.

“Without the Stab Commenter, there would have been no Stab, no Comments of the Week,” said Lex Pedersen, a longtime aide, close friend and later owner of Stab whose business died a few short days ago.

Pedersen’s ex-partner, Justin Cameron, added on Saturday that the Stab Commenter “had redefined the role” of the surf website, adding, “Later, in his long goodbye with Stab, he became a voice on behalf of millions of families going through the depleting, aching reality of Alzheimer’s, and took on a new role, as advocate, on behalf of treatments that hold the potential and the promise to improve and save lives.”

The Stab Commenter’s zenith came a short time ago when he was fed a rich, loamy diet of Words by Morgan Williamson™. His end shortly thereafter when the website he used to frequent died and was replaced by The Inertia.

He is survived by Donald J. Trump.

Future WSL champs celebrate their coming wave pool!
Future WSL champs celebrate their coming wave pool!

Surf: Sunny Sochi, Russia!

Chas Smith

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Sochi, Russia is getting a wave pool! Will the city produce future world champs?

The Olympics are a grand, theoretical prize for cities around the world. When the selection process is underway mayors, governors, even presidents/prime ministers strut their civic jewels in hopes of landing either the Winter or Summer Games and showcasing their goods to the world. The reality may be a bit less rosy, massive tax increases, waste, graft, white elephants left behind, but please! A few eggs must be broken to make an omelette.

I was at the last Winter Olympics in beautiful Sochi, Russia and it was marvelous. Vlad Putin threw his weight behind building projects, cleaning and restoration, paving, fixing etc. Billions of dollars were spent and hundreds of millions went missing, lining the pockets of Mr. Putin’s best friends.

I wrote about the adventure for Esquire magazine. You can read some here, if you are inclined. And if you are not, let me summarize. Sochi was amazing! Both the mountain area and the Black Sea town. So Russian, so fabulous.

And do you know what? It is going to get even more fabulous! Rumor has it that American Wave Machines is plopping a wave pool down in the Russian Riviera! How fun is the wave pool craze? Every city from Amsterdam to Zamboanga can buy into our surf game. In Sochi, I even went to a strange, fake palm tree lined indoor swim thing. Maybe the wave pool will be there. Maybe it already is.

How will Russian surfers perform? Wide stances, I would assume. Thick ankles and posteriors thrust out. Hard to knock off, I would imagine. Possible future world champs.

 

Bob Hurley's merits are numerous: surfboard shaper of renown, creator of Billabong USA, later, the eponymous Hurley. You could venture that he is a man who has discovered something like the key to a good life. | Photo: Red Bull

Rumor: Did Nike Just Bench Bob Hurley?

Derek Rielly

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Can you imagine Hurley without… Hurley?

You know the story of the shaper-turned-surfwear-stud Bob Hurley? How a teenager from Rhode Island earned his stripes at Huntington Beach, became a team rider for HSS, a shaper of renown (sleds for world champs Rabbit Bartholomew and Pete Townend) and then in his twenty-eighth year scooped the license for Billabong USA for $40,000?

Yeah, it’s a good one, and it improved with age.

Think about Hurley in 2016. The best surf team by miles (John John, Filipe, Julian Wilson, Kolohe, Carissa etc), striped polychrome trunks and wetsuits that swarm beaches. Oowee, it’s a heady perfume! You’d think Nike execs would have life-sized portraits of Bob Hurley on their walls and they’d stand dreaming in front of ’em every single goddamned night.

After Bob spent sixteen years turning Billabong into a hundred-mill-biz, he handed back the Billabong license to start the eponymous… Hurley, which he’d later sell to Nike for $120 million.

Think about Hurley in 2016. The best surf team by miles (John John, Filipe, Julian Wilson, Kolohe, Carissa etc), striped polychrome trunks and wetsuits that swarm beaches.

Oowee, it’s a heady perfume! You’d think Nike execs would have life-sized portraits of Bob Hurley on their walls and they’d stand dreaming in front of ’em every single goddamned night.

But word is, Nike has asked Bob to stop coming to work.

A well-connected insider wrote to BeachGrit:

“Rumour is the recent most Nike exec, of what has been a revolving door, has asked Bob to stop coming to work. He has been deemed disruptive as most of the staff are loyal to him. Whenever there is some issue, they run to Bob for clarity. They are trying to keep it all hush like Bob is still the man, blah blah. His car, which he always parked in the same spot at the office, is never there anymore.”

Does the idea of removing Hurley’s essential genetic code strike you as a foolish move?

Do you remember three years ago when Quiksilver president and CEO Bob McKnight was replaced by the man who pioneered the Disney Princess franchise, Mr Andy Mooney? What happened to Quik? Did rivers of gold follow or were share portfolios, careers and an icon ruined?

Or the hiring of Laura Inman from the discount chain Target to head Billabong?

Was that a good idea?

 

Photo: Jack English
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