What's not to love about the story of a man who
faked cancer to buy heroin?
Usually when a surf website makes normal
news it is for something tedious and tawdry. Like posting images of
underaged topless girls or the publication of anti-Semitic slurs.
And BeachGrit is so proud to toe this historically
important line!
Your humble servants made it on Denver’s local television
news broadcast last night because we featured and pushed the story
of a man who faked cancer in order to steal money in order to do
heroin. Of course we were not mentioned by name but there is the
homepage right there beamed into the living rooms of hundreds of
older Coloradans.
I was actually surprised, in all honesty, to see Micael Kocher
in prison orange. We Facebook chatted, briefly, after it became
public that he scammed people. He asked if I was disappointed. I
told him I was not but that his story really begged for a bigger
blast at the end. Like a sprint to Europe at the very least.
He responded that his dog literally ate his passport so he could
not leave the country and then apparently turned himself in.
Bummer. But look at us on television! Watch us shine in the most
tedious and tawdry manner possible! And how good are those prison
video chats? Does it make you want to visit the land behind bars?
Do you think they trick inmates with a fake camera at the bottom of
the phone console so that they can’t look all dreamy into the
camera? Why else would Michael K be staring awkwardly downward
featuring the zit on his brow?
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Parker: “Why the longboard waves?”
By Rory Parker
Why is the WSL running two of three Australian
events at glorified longboard waves?
There’s good surf in Australia, right? A
lot of them look to be Malibu level crowd clusterfucks, but I guess
that’s to be expected in an island nation where only the coastal
areas are habitable. Everyone “surfs,” what constitutes surfing
being a matter of perspective.
So why the hell is the WSL running two of three events at
glorified longboard waves?
Bad luck they don’t get Snapper at its best, but that’s surfing
for you. Can’t dictate mother nature. Margs and Bells, hell, search
and search and search, I can’t find evidence that they get any
better.
It’s the venues, right? The ability to cart down a shitload of
people, plenty of businesses nearby to help suck money into the
local economies. I’m assuming sweetheart deals from local councils,
or whatever they call them. Lots of chance to grab at cash, “help”
the community. Make people aware of drugs. I’m aware of drugs.
Aware they’re awesome.
It looks like I’m gonna need my fair share, maybe more than, to
make it through this event. Eight hours of uninspired battles. Top
turn, cutback, top turn, cutback. Wow, look at that finishing
maneuver. Oh no, there’s rocks right there! Whatever will they
do?
At least the ladies are looking good. Surf-wise, I mean.
The fairer side of the WSL has come a long way in recent years.
Top level is straight killing it. Full commitment, trying their
damnedest. Flashes of brilliance that’d’ve been unimaginable not
too long ago.
Sure, the talent pool’s still too shallow to stack the entire
roster with killers, but that’ll get better with time. Has
improved, will continue to. I’m okay with waiting. Tons of little
girls getting inspired, the next gen’s gonna be full of
murderers.
The men though, jeez… Is everyone just surfing for sevens? Has
it really come to this? I thought wave size and length of ride were
taken out of the judging criteria. Is there a secret set of rules
to which I’m not privy?
The girls are giving 110%. Which is what I want to see. Throwing
buckets, hitting steep sections. Trying to win, instead of trying
to not lose.
The guys, not so much. Standard fare, mac and cheese with hot
dog chunks. I want steak and lobster, damn it!
Let’s compare a wave from different sides of the event.
Weston-Webbs’s 7.93 and Igarashi 6.67.
First up is Kanoa, a kid I’ve been riding so hard I’m starting
to feel bad about it.
Really? That’s what you got, that’s what they gave? A 6.67 is
enough to win a lot of heats, tossing it out for speed checks and
lip bonks is bogus.
Now watch Tatiana.
Committed surfing, a high risk first turn. Igarashi ain’t in the
same league.
A 1.26 point difference between the two, nowhere near enough.
Tatiana’s score was right on target, judging’s on a sliding scale.
A near eight point ride on the women’s side should sit around a six
on the men’s. I can handle that.
Kanoa’s wave was a 3. Boring, totally uncritical, the type of
shit you see when the judges allow a play it safe mindset. And
Kanoa nearly won his heat! What the fuck? Thank goodness Italo
grabbed two before the buzzer, shut him down.
But there are countless other timelines where Italian Ferrari
didn’t get the score, where a bobble on the face slowed him down a
hair, where he was just a little too far outside to get into
it.
And that fucking sucks. I don’t care what dimension we’re in,
surfing at a level fit for an NSSA explorers event shouldn’t be
winning heats. It shouldn’t even be coming close.
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Has Wilko mastered pro surfing?
By Chas Smith
"Carves off the lip, little backhand jam now
straight up vertical!"
I watched Matt Wilkinson vs. Disco Stu vs.
Dusty Payne last night and found myself quite thoroughly bored. The
waves looked fun enough but only the best of the sets were ridden
making it a sluggish affair. Dusty bagged a two wave total of 7.60,
Disco a not much better 9.17 and Matthew took the heat with a
pedestrian 12.67. It made me wonder if the World Surf League should
pay acrobats to surf the smaller waves that go unridden. Maybe
Zoltan Torkos? Aaron Gorkin Cormican? How much fun would we have
watching the sideshow?
In any case, the most interesting bit was a Wilko “best of…”
package that was aired during one of many lulls. It showed the
World No. 1 winning heats at Snapper then Bells and I could not
tell one wave from another. Every single looked the same or as Joe
Turpel said, “Carves off the lip, little backhand jam now straight
up vertical!” Or “Throws it up vertical, big jam, throws it up
vertical!”
And has he found the magic formula? If he gets his board
vertical and snaps it or “jams” it a few times as bookends he
will get between a mid 7 and a mid 9. Two mid 7s to mid 9s per heat
equals a win. Is it inspiring? Not really. Is it exciting?
Sometimes. Is it winning surfing? I guess. It fulfills the letter
of the WSL’s speed, power, flow law but does it fulfill its
spirit?
If Wilko goes on to win the crown this year, after Adriano’s win
last, surfing exactly as he has been will the World Surf League
contemplate major rules changes? How should unpredictability be
rewarded? The sort of thing that we want to share on our social
medias?
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Day One: Taj + Wilko’s pure homicide!
By Derek Rielly
Come feel the familiar aching of tension at the
Drug Aware Margaret River Pro!
What a cut-throat savage Taj Burrow is.
Did you see the way the almost 38-year-old twanged with excitement
in the opening heat of the Margaret River Pro, the one that’s drug
aware?
If you missed it, you may watch the oddly electric
marvel here. Jeremy Flores experienced a few moments of
transient joy in the heat, Alex Ribeiro not so many. Both were
left to make anguished sounds as they trudged back to the
carpark.
Italo Ferreira took to the air like a frisbee!
Julian Wilson stomped a raucous flamenco and the judges duly
nibbled at his earlobes.
Matt Wilkinson might appear to be enjoying an interior chuckle
every time he’s interviewed, but in the water he’s an alley
fighter. His glare is pure homicide. He’ll tear someone’s fucking
head off if he even gets close to a title!
Matt Banting is a very good surfer whose style resembles an
overly courteous waiter constantly bending over your table
inquiring, in annoying tones, if everything is alright. He was sent
to the showers by Nat Young despite an almost-nine, one of the
highest scores of the day.
Do you think Gabriel Medina writes notes on pink paper and
encloses them in perfumed envelopes? But who can ignore Gabriel’s
bludgeon strokes and the way he blitzed the Australian
and the historically significant Italian?
Drug Aware Margaret River Pro Men’s Round 1
Results:
Heat 1: Taj Burrow (AUS) 16.34, Jeremy Flores (FRA) 16.10, Alex
Ribeiro (BRA) 5.43
Heat 2: Julian Wilson (AUS) 17.10, Adam Melling (AUS) 15.47, Kai
Otton (AUS) 12.06
Heat 3: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 12.67, Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 9.17,
Dusty Payne (HAW) 7.60
Heat 4: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.67, Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 14.54,
Jack Robinson (AUS) 9.70
Heat 5: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 16.70, Leonardo Fioravanti (ITA)
12.27, Davey Cathels (AUS) 10.16
Heat 6: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 13.10, Jacob Willcox (AUS) 12.40,
Keanu Asing (HAW) 10.64
Heat 7: Michel Bourez (PYF) 14.14, Jordy Smith (ZAF) 14.04, Alejo
Muniz (BRA) 13.13
Heat 8: Nat Young (USA) 15.93, Matt Banting (AUS) 15.53, Caio
Ibelli (BRA) 14.60
Heat 9: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 12.84, Conner Coffin (USA) 11.26, Ryan
Callinan (AUS) 10.50
Drug Aware Margaret River Pro Men’s Remaining Round 1
Match-Ups:
Heat 10: Kelly Slater (USA), Kolohe Andino (USA), Miguel Pupo
(BRA)
Heat 11: John John Florence (HAW), Adrian Buchan (AUS), Sebastian
Zietz (HAW)
Heat 12: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA), Josh Kerr (AUS), Jadson Andre
(BRA)
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Melbourne Wavepool to cost $18.5 Mill!
By Derek Rielly
And the exact street address? Want to know where it
is?
Yesterday morning, inland surfers from
Melbourne, Australia, awoke to terrific news.
The Wave Park Group, users of Wavegarden
technology, chose Tullamarine, that bleak airport suburb just under
twenty clicks from the city, as the site for their first Australian Wavepool.
Clearly, this is the greatest thing Melbourne surfers have ever
heard. Can you imagine living under a permanent layer of cloud,
miles, hours, from ridable waves, your life squandered in cafes and
restaurants, getting your kicks from watching, admittedly
excellent, live music?
Details have been scant thus far, but a phone call to the PR
company spruiking the joint, revealed these details:
It’ll cost $18.5 mill to build (the money raised privately) on a
seven hectare site (with a thirty-year lease) that, right now, is
the home to the Melbourne Airport Club, just across the road from
the Essendon football club.
The company claims there’ll be 300 jobs created during the
build, 45 full-time when it opens in late 2017.
The pool will fill almost four hectares.
Sixty eight surfers can ride the pool every year, divided into
“16 advanced level surfers, 8 intermediate level surfers and
44 beginner level surfers.”
The company “intends to source 100% of its power
requirements from renewable sources.”
Costwise, they’re not a hundred per cent sure what the sting’s
gonna be. Depends how it works out.
The tank in Wales, Surf Snowdonia, hits “advanced surfers”
with 45 quid an hour or $US65and
Melbourne’ll probably charge something similar.
A bargain?
Yeah it is, when it saves the Victorian surfer four hours on the
road to maybe find wind-blown junk in fifty degree water.