Surfing (Nearly) Kills Amy Schumer!

"Fat and blood coming out!" says dazzling comedian.

Amy Schumer is a comedian and actor with a bent for filthy sex, ass and death gags. She ain’t afraid to drive people nuts with a little non-PC humour either.

“I used to date Latino guys,” she says in an older stand-up routine. “Now I prefer consensual.”

Anyway, Ms Schumer is the cover gal on the new issue of Vanity Fair along with a profile  “Amy Schumer Is Rich, Famous, and in Love: Can She Keep Her Edge?”. 

The real juice, however, comes from the outtakes from the interview with Bruce Handy.

Did you know, for example, Schumer surfed as a teen? And once got so “skegged” she had to yank a fin out of her leg?

Let’s read!

Schumer: I was a surfer, too. I have a pretty bad scar on my leg from surfing. Forty-one stitches, three layers. I skegged myself. My whole fin went into my leg, and I had to yank it out. I was by myself. 

Handy: How far out in the water were you?

Far. And I had to pick up my board, swim in. It was just about to be winter and no one was on the beach. But I found like one guy with this other guy. I was like, “I need you to hold my leg.” I was delegating. And he held my leg closed with his bare hands—just fat and blood coming out. I wish I knew who that guy was, because he saved my life, for sure. He had blue toenail polish and nail polish; he had long stringy hair. And I remember him being beautiful. Anyway, he held my leg closed.

An angel.

Yeah. Did he exist? [Laughs]

How scared were you?

I was terrified. I was supposed to go into Manhattan that day with my dad. He was going to come meet me after I surfed for a while. A crowd formed around me and I could see my dad looking for me on the beach. I was like, “That’s my dad. But don’t get him. He’s going to freak out. He’s real sensitive. He’s going to cry.” But they got him. And he just looked at my leg, and he went [makes a sucking sound]. Kind of like sucked his teeth in? And the tide was coming in. So he was like, “Put her on the board! Carry her in more!” And people kept putting towels and towels on me. I was like, “I’m not cold—there’s a hole in my leg.” I was making jokes. It took maybe 15 minutes for the ambulance to get there.

That was my first thought. That’s why I got right out of there. But my thoughts while I was coming out—I remember them. I thought, Well, I’m going to die. I can’t believe I’m going to die like this. Then I’m like, Oh, no [I’m not going to die]—but I’m going to lose my leg. And now I’m going to have to go and be a speaker at high schools and, like, motivate people. I was so annoyed about my life. I was just like, Ucchh. And then it was fine.