Parker: “Surfing’s no fun when you suck!”

Those days when leave the water hating life? Makes you wanna quit, right?

A few days ago, I had one of those sessions that made me want to quit surfing.

Fucking miserable. Timing off, couldn’t link a turn together to save my life. Totally out of rhythm, paddling around like a moron. Constantly putting myself out of position. Left the water absolutely hating life.

Been here before. You have those off days, get a taste of what it’s like to be a total beginner. Makes me wonder how I even learned in the first place. Surfing is really no fun when you suck.

It’s a big part of why I don’t really advertise the BeachGrit thing to people in my day-to-day life. Couldn’t handle them watching me flail one terrible day.

“That guy writes about surfing? What a fucking kook!”

Problem is… I get bored sitting around. And I don’t really know how to do anything else.

Today I had to go get my safety check renewed. In case you’re not familiar, rather than check emissions Hawaii makes you go to a registered mechanic for a safety check each year prior to registration renewal. Ostensibly it’s to make sure you’re not driving a run down nightmare with failing brakes that’ll eventually kill some unsuspecting soul. If you go to a legit place they go over your ride with a fine tooth comb looking for problems. Then hand you an extortionate estimate.

In reality you just go to one of the small independent places. They glance at your car. Honk the horn, flash the brights. Then you pay them twenty bucks for a sticker. Easy as pie. Sorta.

Called in this morning to make sure my mechanic was doing them today. Got a, “Yeah, come on down any time before noon.”

Showed up at ten, was told to come back at two. Minor annoyance, but such a standard Kauai maneuver. You’ve just gotta let it go. Come back later.

Decided to go for a bodysurf in the meantime. Stretch out the arms and legs, have some fun in the ocean. Remember why I like playing in it.

Blowing out my shoulder bodysurfing a few years back turned me into a real pussy during my board-free slide sessions. Went from never thinking about consequences to being a scared little bitch. Not good. Been working to get that shit out of my head ever since.

So it’s good that, twenty minutes into my session, I got hammered into the bottom so hard I thought I’d shit my pants. Hurts, yeah, but each time I escape uninjured it restores a little more bravery. Much needed. At this point in my life I’ve come to accept I need to really embrace experience and confidence. Since, you know, the ability ain’t exactly what I’d like.

Swam around for another hour. Got a great sunburn on the top of my freshly shaved head because, like always, I forgot sunscreen.

After I’d rinsed off the salt, while I sat on a rock enjoying the sun and drinking some water, I watched a rental pull up and a tourist paddle out. Guy did a fifteen minute treadmill on the inside. Got thoroughly thrashed. Very funny. Made me realize I’m not actually doing that poorly. In the grand scheme of things.

I left in a great mood. I love surfing. Will probably paddle out for a second session later this afternoon.

beached whale lowers
"Can't help but think this (washing up right in the middle of #Lowers) is Karma for humans possibly having some part in this whale's death and the whale sending us a message we can't help but have a look at," reports the surfing champion Kelly Slater. " A mile or two south and we probably wouldn't take nearly as much notice. Good summer to surf the wave pool." | Photo: Kelly Slater

Monster Whale Dies at Trestles!

Karma strikes, warns surfing champion Kelly Slater!

Of all god’s creatures, the whale is my favourite. Is it yours too?

The Game of Thrones actor Rose Leslie describes whale thus: “Very chewy and quite fatty. My friend had had whale before, so I knew it would be quite blubbery. It was delicious. I loved it. It was smoked, so it had a lovely kind of tangy taste to it. We had it a couple of nights. I was won over. It was very yummy.”

Earlier this Sunday in southern California, a forty-foot whale with a hump like a snow hill beached itself and died at Lower Trestles.

The surfing champion Kelly Slater reported,

“Anyone for a surf at Trestles? Im sure that #BeachedWhale oil should keep the crowds to a minimum coming into summer! Sketchy. Great white sightings sure seemed to coincide with the burying of a whale 15+ years back by Trails. Not saying they weren’t around before then but they’ve been sniffing around the area consistently since then. I wonder if they can/will tow this thing back out to sea before it completely decays in the rocks or do a necropsy on it. Anybody know? Can’t help but think this (washing up right in the middle of #Lowers) is Karma for humans possibly having some part in this whale’s death and the whale sending us a message we can’t help but have a look at. A mile or two south and we probably wouldn’t take nearly as much notice. Good summer to surf the wave pool.”

Do you think the ailing, but media savvy, whale identified Lowers as a significant location to die and therefore beached itself there for maximum exposure?

Do you think whales are superior to other sea creatures and why?

Parker: “What skate can teach surf!”

Always have room for shit talkers, for one…

Why is it that skating can thrive through honesty while surfing has to be this polished product?

It’s not like the industries are that different.

Small groups own almost everything, image is key. But skateboarding has always had room for shit talkers. People speak their minds, call ’em as they see ’em.

It’s far more entertaining, more engaging.

Keeps me interested in the sport, even though my fat old ass is completely pussified and it’s been years since I did more than fuck around on flat ground.

Give this chat with Lucero and Grosso a watch, then join me in waiting for the next installment.

Kolohe Andino's favourite poncho, Old Glory, the Star Spangled Banner, the Stars and Stripes! | Photo: WSL

Parker: “Come Visit the USA!”

American exceptionalism is amazing! Come taste…awesome!

Roughly half of BeachGrit‘s readers are coming from outside the US of A these days. You poor souls. Forced to live in a world devoid of freedom, sans liberty. Your every day a struggle to experience the vestiges of American awesome.

You know you wanna come visit. Who wouldn’t? Save that money, hop a flight across an ocean. The streets are paved with gold! No cats! None at all!

I wouldn’t want you poor fuckers to be unprepared. American exceptionalism is amazing, you’ve no idea what lays in wait once you’ve deplaned.

Here’s what you need, and what to expect.

Guns: Our country’s full of them, but you won’t be able to get your hands on one. Too much red tape. Damn commies in the White House want to keep us all unarmed so we’re unprepared for the coing race wars.

Gotta protect yourself from minorities. Those fuckers steal everything. Jobs, women, privilege. It’s no joke.

Pepper Spray: Use it to hose down public toilets pre-poop. Flush out all the lurking trannies so you can dump in peace. It’s a real problem out here. I know it for a fact, read all about it on the internet.

Ranch Dressing: Showing up at a dinner party without a squeeze bottle of the finest buttermilk ranch is a faux pas on par with going to Walmart without your rifle. It simply isn’t done.

A Bible: Don’t bother reading it. Other people will do that for you. Explain how to interpret scripture in your favor. Works great, you can justify practically anything! It’ll help you score dope too. Get you in with the born-agains. Those guys know where to score all the best shit.

Sense of superiority: Leave that shit at home. You’re in America now! Best quality of living, first in education. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Persecution complex: But only if you’re white and Christian. Anything else, keep your yap shut. In America straight white Christian male is the single most oppressed class. You just can’t know pain unless you’ve spent a life watching the world knock you down to everyone else’s level. Idiots may call it equality, we call it changing the rules mid-game.

Drugs: Leave the dope at home. Bring us your antibiotics, anti-psychotics, antidepressants. A huge part of American Liberty is built around our freedom to suffer medical ills untreated. And we like it that way! I love it that way! Already got my own health insurance, better for me that the fuckwits I competing with for a piece of the pie are mentally ill, or about to suffer organ failure. Big part of freedom is your right to stack the deck in your favor.

Flip that shit to the underclass. Welfare queens working two jobs, too dumb to steal their way to success. Sell it at a 500% markup. Still cheaper than paying market rates.

Oh, and if you’re from South Africa please bring us some ‘ludes. Heard you guys still got that shit over there. It’d be much appreciated.

Shane Dorian ride of the year
Don't Shane Dorian look like one of those lil rubber surf dolls in this illuminating screen grab from his ride of the year. Can you imagine the frictional ecstasy of making a wave like this?

Shane Dorian wins Ride of the Year!

An Italian the wipeout, a lesbian the barrel and Greg Noll, 80, talks eating pussy!

How about those WSL big-wave awards? Such gender and such geographical balance. Did the WSL run the nominees through an equal-opportunity board to choose the winners?

Let’s examine!

An Italian won the wipeout of the year, a lesbian scooped up the barrel of the yearand an almost 80-year-old big-waver delivered what at first was some feel-bad story about a pal with cancer only to deliver the punchline that the tumour was actually a hairball from eating too much pussy.

Greg Noll

Of course, the ride of the year is the money shot. Winner? Shane Dorian.

Earlier, Dorian had given a teary speech about his mentor and former housemate Brock Little.

Told a bewitching story of living with Brock, of him and his teen pals surfing the inside reforms on the big days, until Brock paddled ’em out the back at Waimea and told ’em, “It’s your time to sit on the peak and ride big waves.”

Oowee, and look at Shane now!

Watch the awards in their entirety below.