Jody Smith's meat hook gouged hunks of Cloudbreak… | Photo: WSL

Jordy, Kelly’s Bestial Scorn, Day One, Fiji!

By Derek Rielly

9 years ago

Come take flight into nostalgia's comforting time warp at the Fiji Pro!

Do you like taking flight through nostalgia’s comforting time warp?

The Fiji Pro, which ran through the twelve heats of round one today in good enough three-to-five Cloudbreak, fell to its knees for two old favourites, Jordy Smith and Kelly Slater.

Jordy left speckles of dried blood on the jerseys of his opponents, Taj Burrow, who is competing in his last-ever WCT event, and the tawny-haired goofyfooter Adrian Buchan.

Jordy knows the kink of judging better than anyone. The full-wraps, the two brawling turns instead of the fat boring business turns, oh, let me tell you, it gets the judges off their cushions, their hearts feeling a thrilly quickening.

Afterwards, Jordy said, “It’s on! it’s on! The waves were flippin‘ cooking! It’s so bonkers right now!”

Examine Jordy’s nine, here.

The reverie of seeing Jordy as comely stud was interrupted two heats later with the highest scoring heat of the round. Kelly Slater, Kolohe Andino, Sebastian Zietz, averaged almost seven-and-half per wave.

Kelly, riding a lower-rockered version of the Webber banana, looked as happy as a new divorcee eyeing a young soldier on leave from one of America’s wars. Panting, Kelly locked his thighs, and put that damn five-ten Webber… everywhere he wanted. When these surfboards are warmed up fully, “He feels connected to the board from nose to tail,” the shaper had told me a couple of weeks earlier.

Kolohe’s fierce eyes and sandy coarse mopped head gave him the aura of a jungle cat and, but for a wave that extinguished itself prematurely with ten seconds to go, would’ve put out even Kelly’s brush fire.

Watch that heat here!

Fiji Pro Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: John John Florence (HAW) 10.33, Alejo Muniz (BRA) 9.33, Davey Cathels (AUS) 8.60
Heat 2: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 13.76, Ryan Callinan (AUS) 12.56, Jack Freestone (AUS) 9.94
Heat 3: Jadson Andre (BRA) 14.60, Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 12.67, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 12.26
Heat 4: Keanu Asing (HAW) 13.04, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 12.56, Josh Kerr (AUS) 10.26
Heat 5: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 15.23, Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.10, Alex Ribeiro (BRA) 8.63
Heat 6: Adriano de Souza (BRA) 11.73, Tevita Gukilau (FJI) 8.17, Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 4.84
Heat 7: Matt Banting (AUS) 10.34, Julian Wilson (AUS) 9.16, Conner Coffin (USA) 3.57
Heat 8: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 15.60, Mick Fanning (AUS) 11.90, Kai Otton (AUS) 8.47
Heat 9: Jeremy Flores (BRA) 12.67, Nat Young (USA) 9.70, Dusty Payne (HAW) 8.46
Heat 10: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 16.67, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 15.44, Taj Burrow (AUS) 10.44
Heat 11: Adam Melling (AUS) 11.26, Michel Bourez (PYF) 11.14, Caio Ibelli (BRA) 8.60
Heat 12: Kelly Slater (USA) 16.13, Kolohe Andino (USA) 15.90, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 12.60

Fiji Pro Round 2 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: Italo Ferreira (BRA) vs. Tevita Gukilau (FJI)
Heat 2: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Alex Ribeiro (BRA)
Heat 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 4: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)
Heat 5: Mick Fanning (AUS) vs. Kai Otton (AUS)
Heat 6: Nat Young (USA) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 7: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Taj Burrow (AUS)
Heat 8: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (USA)
Heat 9: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Josh Kerr (AUS)
Heat 10: Michel Bourez (PYF) vs. Stuart Kennedy (AUS)
Heat 11: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
Heat 12: Conner Coffin (USA) vs. Davey Cathels (USA)

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"Heyyyy twitter gurl.... wanna see my........ voice?"

Just in: Ron Blakey hates you!

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

OR maybe drunk in the booth! (Matt Warshaw made me do it!)

Soooooo I’m 3 to 4 vodka gingers in andwatching the World Surf LEague in Fiji. Do you think they care that they gots no sponsros? FIJI PRO. Not the Jeep FIJI pro or Samsung FIJI pro or even SHARKBANZ fiji PRO. Nope. Nothing. Out of business! Everything must go!

I think Ron “Dog” Blakey is celebrating by getting smashed. Like me! At the start of Jeremy Flores vs. Boring White Kid vs. ? The camera shot over to Ronnie and he maybe had something in his mouth/is drunk and so couldn’t talk. And then he continued to muddle his words and sound marbles.

I tweeted about it, tweeting, “Is Ron Drunk?” or some shit and Matt Warshaw, who can alwasy be counted on to be sitting in front of his computerwith twitter in his hand tweeted back, “Game know game?” and I tweeted back “DUH!” and tried to include @rondogblakey, his Twitter handle, but do you know what happen?

DO YOU?

It came up defunct! @RON DOG BLAKEY deleted his twitter account!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

What does this mean?

Did he:

A) Get so much Twitter hate that his feelings go hurt?

B) Hate you and don’t wanna chat?

C) Hate his @WSL boss and stopped getting paid so fuckit?

D) Busted with chick?

E) Busted with @mickfanno?

F) Drunk and accident?

G) Other?

H) Donald J Trump

)J CEO of the world Paul Speaker says, “ROn “”Dog””? How old are you? Fifteen?” and he feel embarasssed becuz he stuck “DOG” in his handle?

I) Because I like you.

M I C K E Y MOUSE!

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Emergency: We really need Da Hui!

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

The Club of Wave Sliders is our only hope!

Do you remember, in the 1970s, when a pack of grubby Australians washed up, unwanted, on Oahu’s North Shore? As chronicled in the 2008 documentary Bustin’ Down the Door, they got some good cracks from the very scary Black Shorts and quickly learnt respeck.

I have spoken lots about this particular time with Da Hui co-founder Eddie Rothman. Whatever opinions or preconceptions you have about him they are likely wrong. Eddie is articulate, he is thoughtful and he cares deeply about Hawaii, as deeply as I have ever seen a person care for a place.

He disagrees with some of the storytelling in Bustin’ Down the Door, particularly the line “bustin’ down the door” as he says, “There was no door to bust down…” but I think agrees that there needed to be order so that the locals would not get chewed up by a burgeoning surf machine and his club provided it.

In any case, Hawaii is, once again, being overrun by detritus from other countries. CNN reports:

Vast amounts of trash have been washing ashore on the state’s once-pristine beaches.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has been trying to keep critical parts of the ocean clear of marine debris, removing 57 tons of it from the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands in 2014. This area is a part of Papahanaumokuakea Marine National Monument, the largest conservation site in the United States.

Despite the government agency’s efforts, Hawaii continues to be plagued by trash, much of it plastic.

Originally it was thought this trash was coming from the 2011 Japanese tsunami but new research suggests it is not.

“Most of what was mapped is common, everyday items that someone haphazardly tossed onto the ground or directly into the water,” Case said.

In short — it’s coming from just about anywhere and everywhere.

With the way the state is positioned geographically, the ocean’s current is carrying massive amounts of plastic waste to Hawaii’s coast.

“These items get caught up in ocean currents and unfortunately much of it eventually lands, mostly on north and east facing shores. Hawaii is recognized around the world for our beautiful beaches. Unfortunately we cannot say they are pristine, because they’ve been so seriously impacted by our trash,” Case added.

Maybe it is time for a Da Hui world tour! They go from capital to capital dishing out slaps and menacing stares. Washington DC, Beijing, Brasilia, Ottowa, etc. All they would have to do is look mealy-mouthed politicians in the eye and problem solved!

Should we crowdfund?

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Rumor: DC comes back to surf!

By Chas Smith

9 years ago

Could the surf industry be in for a glorious renaissance?

Have you watched Zeke Lau’s newest video offering Views from Bali? It is, I think, exclusively on Stab/Stitch but is totally worth going and seeing and then being force-fed PowerBalance and SharkBanz! (FCS lyphe) (AF)

Zeke is a magnificent surfer, the soundtrack pops and the gentlemen at production house From the Basin capture both the surfing and lifestyle in exquisite high definition.

The definition is so high, in fact, that every small wrinkle can be seen on Zeke’s brow, every mark on his surfboard.

And what’s that? Could it be? Yes! Yes it is! The DC shoes sticker right there under the Electric lightning bolt!

DC put together one of the greatest surf rosters in a pre-2010 heyday. Andy Irons and Dane Reynolds together on the same team! Quiksilver’s financial woes forced the shoe brand to exit surf a few years ago (Quik bought the brand for 87 million in 2004) and the surf industry entered a tailspin toward total destruction.

But a rumor from a very inside source has them back! Back in the game! And this Zeke clip proves it!

Why does it matter? Because I am nostalgic for those heady days when Andy was brutally mangling Kelly and Dane was pure possibility.

Aren’t you too?

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A real nice spike in December, 2015, followed by the cliff of 2016… | Photo: SMH

SurfStitch: “Prospects Grim!”

By Derek Rielly

9 years ago

The once dazzling online retailer's shares hit an all-time low…

Do you remember, and you should because it was three months ago, the surprise SurfStitch v SurfStitch blood feud?

To quote that story,

Just a few hours ago, the CEO and co-founder, Justin Cameron, quit his gig “to join forces with a private equity group, in preparation for a possible bid for the company.”

Meanwhile, the other co-founder of SurfStitch, the brunette Lex Pedersen, has been left to rock to and fro in his cubicle! Blood feud?

In The Australian newspaper, Eli Greenblat reports: “Left stranded is Mr Cameron’s surfing buddy and fellow SurfStitch co-founder Lex Pedersen, who remains at the company as managing director in charge of its North American online business Swell.

“Surfers have been known to get into violent punch-ups over accusations of being burnt, or having another surfer drop in and steal their wave, now at SurfStitch it will be private equity raiders, lawyers and merchant bankers puffing out their chests and bracing for a rumble.”

Three months later, the once dazzling biz is still doin’ it tough, its shares hitting an all-time low of under thirty cents on Friday.

In today’s business news, and as reported by financial reporter Elizabeth Knight:

Surfing online retailer SurfStitch has comprehensively moved from being one of the up-and-coming Australian players to a corporate mystery.

A series of strange events began in early March when its (then) highly regarded chief executive Justin Cameron abandoned his job claiming he was teaming up with private equity to buy the company.

He seems to have since vanished, leaving shareholders to wonder if the private equity play was a hoax. Both Cameron and the would-be suitors now appear to be ghosts.

The board of SurfStitch is weighing its options as its share price remains depressed and the near-term earnings prospects look equally grim. On Friday morning, the share price fell to its all-time lows – briefly dipping more than 11 per cent to below 40¢ in morning trade.

After Cameron dropped his sensational departure bomb on the SurfStitch board via email in early March shareholders were left both confused at his unexpected decision and salivating at the prospect of a bid for their stock.

Three months later, no private equity player has stumped up with an offer – indeed, the company’s board hasn’t had even a whiff of an approach from a would-be suitor, rumoured to have been TSG Consumer Partners – and even more bizarrely the board has not heard from Cameron at all.

…and…

If the ignominy of the May 4 downgrade wasn’t enough, the company also received some unwanted attention from the stock exchange, which issued a query to the company about the fall in the share price and the spike in volume leading up to the earnings warning.

So what of Cameron? Some say he is somewhere in the US, others say that attempts by SurfStitch shareholders to contact him have garnered no response.

Stranger still was that he left $400,000 of options on the table when he walked out the door – after declaring to the chairman that he was “deeply conflicted”.

Former investment banker Cameron founded the company with the now chief executive Pedersen.

Read the whole story here.

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Eat beach grit spam!