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“I can tell you’re lame by the way you wear your shorts.”
Common observation in our little slice of tourist trap. People fly out for their taste of paradise, pop on the beach rig. Shorts, sandals, t-shirt. Somehow looks so wrong. Don’t know how you wear a pair of board shorts wrong, but people pull it off. Every bit of them screams, “awkward.” Their outfit says vacation, but their posture shouts pleated khakis.
Derek sent me some links to this Faherty brand. Terrible name for a clothing company. Not exactly sure how to pronounce it, but my natural inclination runs to farty. “Hella sweet Farty trunks, bro-ham!”
To be fair, it seems a little odd that Derek would want me to address these guys. Their shorts are pretty damn similar to the fat shaming bulge flaunters he and Chas love so much. Size 30 and 31 only. Fuck that noise. God damn waifish little bastards.
BeachGrit brand boardies: as lame as fashion, at half the price.
Are elastic waistbands coming back? It was a big deal for me, the first time I got a pair of legit board shorts. Like getting your first set of long pants. I was a big boy. Almost a man! Just like all the cool older guys wore. Goodbye to the mesh net that’d reduce my hairless little balls to screaming nuggets of rash after a long day playing in the water.
Farty is sustainable and artisanal. All that stuff. Narrow cut shoulders in all their shirts. So I can’t wear them. Google says the average American male’s shoulder width is 18 1/4”. I just measured mine, come in at a grand 27”. From paddling and swimming, I assume. Getting broader as I creep ever closer to fitness.
So frustrating. My brother got married a while back, wanted me to wear some Ralph Lauren suit. Silver. $1200. Fucking madness.
Saved from the bill by my delicious body. Condescending little motherfucker behind the counter took one look at me, lisped out, “We don’t really cater to your body type.”
Well fuck you, I’m gonna try it on anyway. Largest size they had couldn’t fit over my calves. Wouldn’t let me try on the jacket because they thought I’d split the seams. I probably would’ve.
Ended up paying some Mexican lady in LA eighty five bucks to sew me a similar rig. Not a bad fit. Great price for something I wore once then threw away. I still owe my brother that $85. He’ll never see it.
Had to borrow a pair of leather sole dress shoes for the shindig. One of the dorks in the wedding party thought that was hilarious. “How do you not own any nice shoes? I’ve got, like, twenty pairs!”
He said it as though I were the lame one. Yeah, bro, sweet shiny shoes you can’t run in. Sister-in-law’s friends took issue with the fact I kicked the damn things off the moment the ceremony ended. Said it was disrespectful. Bullshit. I was very respectful. Never once pointed out the bride’s sparkling white dress was an odd choice with her son in attendance. I saved that observation for the reception.