Rage and the theatrical Brazilian!

Chas Smith

By

What about him makes us xenophobic?

I generally think it very funny when rage rains down upon the heads of Brazilian surfers for their exaggerated claims, their artful post wave celebrations. The watery samba has never really bothered me much. If anything, I think they should push it further. They should take note of Victor Cruz’s hips or Cher’s arms and really perform.

But last night, watching the NBA finals game 5, I finally felt the rage for myself. Anderson Varajão plays for the world champion Golden State Warriors. Last year he played for their opponents the Cleveland Cavaliers. He is tall, 6’10” with a sweet jump shot but is most famous for his flops. His wild, artificial body quakes that are aimed at getting foul calls from the referees.

Oh how they annoy! His face draws into a mask of bewildered pain. Mouth grimacing, eyes little slits of pain. He rolls on the ground. He holds his head. He goes into full spasms all for the smallest brush.

And the rage bubbles in my heart!

“That fucking Brazilian! That fucking fake Brazilian! He never even got touched!”

Now, what about his Brazilian-ness makes it so bad? Why does it have anything to do with my rage? When white basketballers and black basketballers flop I find it cheap and tawdry but don’t hold it against their nationality. But when this tall Brazilian flops I want to drop giant bombs on São Paulo. The announcers, usually restrained, even tee off on him!

The same in surf. Matty Wilko’s claims are very much worse, I think, than Gabe Medina’s but it is Gabe who draws the ire.

What about the theatrical Brazilian makes us xenophobic? Could unlocking this mystery bring about world peace?

Kelly Slater Wave Company to San Diego!

Chas Smith

By

Maybe! Will you go?

Oh it’s not for sure but what does that do for you? Me? I live in the neighborhood and it does absolutely nothing. Zero. Zip. No-thang. San Diego county is basically one giant wave pool. Not the barreling type. But, you know, there’s almost always waves somewhere.

The tank is included in one of five proposals for a re-imagined downtown San Diego and let’s read the bit from KS Wave Co.’s general manager!

Kelly Slater Wave Company is very pleased to exclusively be part of the McWhinney + DJM team’s vision for the redevelopment of the Seaport Village site in San Diego. As surfers, we are aware of San Diego and its long rich history with the sport of surfing.

Kelly Slater Wave Company is an innovative wave technology company, the first company to develop a formula that combines cutting edge science, engineering and design. KSWC has created the longest, open-barrel wave that mimics the sought after surfing experiences found in nature. These high-performance training centers can host top athletes, where they can perfect their talent on the best man-made wave. KSWC also partners with developers to create a unique experience for amateur surfers, adventure enthusiasts and families to discover the joy of board sports in a recreational destination that embodies an active outdoor lifestyle that emphasizes exercise and play.

We look forward to participating in a project that engages the community and creates an environment where people can interact and better understand waves and the ocean.

Sincerely,

Noah Grimmet

General Manager

Yawn etc. but you know what this news does? Proves my point is what. If you’ve been around me at any point over the last few months you’ll know my line is that the WSL World Tour is a loss leader to sell these pools to municipalities using taxpayer dollars. I bet Mr. Noah Grimmet has crafted hundreds of these letters for every town with a redevelopment project in the works from Saint Louis to Port Lucie. He points to the tour and says, “See? Surfing. Want surfing to come to Des Moines? Tourism. (ShhhhhhhhhhhhhhCocaine).”

Genius? Yes. Both Kelly Slater and me. Are.

Will you surf it, though, or will you stick with Windansea?

Mason Ho LIcense to Chill
Don't look down, baby!

Movie: Mason Ho’s Dry Reef Hula!

Rory Parker

By

Episode 5, License to Chill… Rock Lobsters!

More Mason! Yes! More shallow hell to the right of Rockpiles.

(Watch episode five, License to Chill, Rock Lobsters here…)

Wonder if it’ll get crowded next Winter? Shouldn’t. Too gnarly. Probably will. Kids are gonna show up, living the NS dream on Daddy’s dime.

I’m sure the lifeguards are gonna enjoy scraping wannabe Rick Kanes off the reef. Patch up some boo-boos.

I have a buddy who played drums for Guttermouth. Lived the punk rock dream. Toured the world, made a little money.

Great guy, love him to death. Sold out out hard though. Does SEO stuff these days. Makes a killer living helping to ruin the internet.

I’m spending my day learning about the 24 hours of Le Mans. Some crazy car race where dudes drive 200 mph for an entire day. Batshit stuff.

A website is paying me to write about it. They like my rambling nonsense contest coverage. Want me to do something similar about cars. I told ’em, “I don’t know shit about cars, much less racing.”

They said, “That’s fine. Here’s some money.”

I said, “Right on. Are you sure you want stories about my wife sucking me off? Because that’s what you’re gonna get.”

They said, “That’s probably a bit much.”

Fine by me. I’ll just write about butt stuff instead.

Rememer me wsl? Jus come home....
Rememer me wsl? Jus come home....

Dear WSL…….Fuck off! I hate you!

Chas Smith

By

Wait, wait! I didn’t mean it…I’m soooo sorry. Just come home.

Hey babee…

its been a long time, huh. Yah ive been fine. Juss doin m’thang.

What?

Hav I bin drinking?

Psssht. No.

Jus havin one thats all.

It’s alwyas lik that with you now that your WSL tho. Your so judgy! Back when you were ASSP you were cool. You partied. Now your all like, “Your drunk! Blab blah blah. And mean!”

Well, you now what? FUCK YOU! I never loved you anywyas an agreed with bobby martinez when he called u a tennis tour!

Baby, oh bayby! I didn’t mean that! Are you still ther? I swear I dint mean any of that. I just miss you thats all.

I misss you so much. I remember when I used to log on and there you were havin a contest an I’d watch and be so entertainment. Jus lovin those waves. Listining to Joe Purple talk about off the tops and closing my eyes when Pots starts droning about…about…whatthehell does he even say? But it don matter. I miss him. I miss you. I miss us.

R u ever gonna cum back from Fiji?

Did you meet someone there or something? Someoen else? WELL FUCK YOU! YOUR FAT LIKE BELLS AND MARGART RIVER COMBINED!

Wait! Sweety! Sweety that wasnt me talking. That was just my jealousy becuz I love you so so so much.

And miss you.

I miss Ron Burgandy and the way he talks Australin. He’s so handsome. HE’S SO FUCKING HANDSOME! And Ross…Ross….Ross….whas his last name? Ross Geller? Ross….? Perot? Wahtever. HE knows his shit and his voice is so tender…I can picture him talking to me late at night. Telling me storiesa bout when he n Kelly Slater used to slumber party and…

What?

Am I havin another rdrink?

Pssssssssssht. No.

Ive only had six.

Vodkas

But why do you care? You don’t fucken care. You don’t even call anymore. Your just there in Fiji having fun and playing with pool toys and getting a mohawk and forgetting about all the peope who really love you. So you know what? You know what?

FUCK YOU! JUST STAY THERE FOREVER! JUST STAY THERE WITH YOUR MOHAWK BECAUSE I”VE MET SOMEONE ELSE AND HER NAME IS RED BULL!

Oh honey! Wait wait wait wait wait. Honey! I didn’t mean it. I dint even DO anything with Red Bull. I just logged on a couple days ago just to see if you were there and you werent but she was in Australia on this big slab and…and…and….It meant nothing. Ok. It was jus becuz I’m loney

and miss you.

Come home. Well work it out.

I promise.

Paul Speaker + Chas Smith 4 eva.

Nostalgia: The Mighty Surf Club!

Chas Smith

By

Are you part of one? Do you wish you were?

You have surf clubs in Australia, do you not? Lifesaving clubs? Are those the same thing? In the United States we have neither (I think). We have ourselves alone and maybe our friends. Maybe but probably not.

Surfing is a solitary experience here, or it is for me. I rarely/never surf with others. If I happen to run into someone in the water it is a pleasant surprise and I think to myself, “I should surf with X more often…” But I never do. I never call and set up surf dates.

And so it is with great jealousy that I look at this extended surf date footage that historian Matt Warshaw of the Encyclopedia of Surfing cobbled together of the Windansea Surf Club circa 1960something. How much fun does it look like they’re having in those red jackets? It looks like they are having the monster time of their young lives!

They surf, travel, waterski, tire roll, laugh and drink all together! It looks very enjoyable and stylish too but maybe that is only the gauze of nostalgia. It looks fun enough, in any case, to make me want to be part of a surf club. I would embroider my nickname on a red jacket. I would be a joiner for once in my life as opposed to a cranky naysayer!

But you have them in Australia, no? Or Lifesaving clubs? Can you tell me, before I start searching for belonging, if they are super lame?

Photo: Jack English
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