A little personal checklist…
1. Stop wearing Sandals
This is mostly directed towards mainland surfers and those bourgeois folks with shaved heads and ASP trucker hats who only surf on perfect swells during the weekends while struggling to stand up their brand new HyptoKrypto. Stop wearing sandals everywhere! There is nothing cool about sandals. Whenever I see someone wearing sandals I automatically assume that they listen to Sublime or Mumford and Sons. Notice how the drunkest people at the bar, sweating and spitting on everyone they talk to are always wearing sandals? You do not want to be that guy. I do not want you to be that guy.
Diet. Training. Yoga. Herbal Teas. Juice cleanses. Stretching. These are all things that nobody gives a damn about. There’s a reason why the phrase isn’t “Yoga, Tea, and Rock n’ Roll.”
2. Stop Preaching
Diet. Training. Yoga. Herbal Teas. Juice cleanses. Stretching. These are all things that nobody gives a damn about. There’s a reason why the phrase isn’t “Yoga, Tea, and Rock n’ Roll.” Imagine a …Lost video without the booze and drugs? Fuck, what a boring world that would be. Doing yoga on a cliff while drinking some mushroom tea that you foraged from your dog’s pile of shit does nothing for me and it does nothing for humanity so stop acting like you’re saving the world one.
3. Don’t Wear Surf Attire
Nothing says “I’m a jackass” more than dressing in boxy tees created by some corporation underpaying a poor child in a South-East Asian factory. Don’t be a shill for the corporation. If the boardshorts you’re wearing have more than two different colours violently clashing with crazy patterns then you MUST burn them the next time you cook a beer can chicken.
4. Stop talking about waves
Don’t discuss your surf break back home. If you’re abroad, or you’re out at the bar, stop talking about the waves you grew up surfing.They’re all the same. When swell is present, any wave can be great. Maybe you can go read a book and learn about something new to discuss. Or get really drunk and do something stupid that you can talk about to people in a self-deprecating manner. Everyone loves self-deprecation. Anytime you feel like discussing the wave you surf, replace that thought with masturbation, and ask yourself if that person really cares about how you masturbate. Why? Because talking about the wave you surf is just like masturbating, the only person being pleased is yourself.
5. That CI you just tore to pieces
How about those conversations when an average Joe points out the myriad flaws in a Merrick or a …Lost or a JS. Doesn’t turn properly. Spins out. Looses speed through sections in fat waves. And then you see the pilot of this craft has the stance of a threatened bug and a tail-pad that’s never been dirtied by his back foot. Don’t…be…this…guy.
i hope you are getting exclusive interview rights with wardo and his post jail surf career. you need the first interview if you want to be a main player in the surf media.
i dont think there has ever been a successful guest writer on this site…obviously besides longtom
I enjoyed negs ” doing bonghits and watching every heat in 2015″ or whatever.
Mariano had a wonderful little post a while back.
I actually don’t disagree with much of what he says. But pontification oft strikes a pose of self-righteousness, regardless of whether you hate sandals and surfwear.
I think Derek, Rory and Chas put shit like this article up on BG so we appreciate their articles more.
I think Derek, Rory and Chas put shit like this article up because it’s Friday, or they’ve run out of ideas
This might be the best thing ive ever read, period! Looking forward to the list of 5 to-do’s
Actually, this is great advice for the author to follow. Stop surfing now, ask me how.
“stop talking about the waves….They’re all the same. When swell is present, any wave can be great.” This is pretty much the stupidest thing anyone has ever written about surfing, past or present and an affront to the long standing oral tradition of ole timey parking lot stories that makes us more culture than sport (i will continue to talk about the 72 hours of surfing around Hurricane Marie in South LA until the day I die, a day when everything was categorically not the same) Sheeit, Nothing id rather hear over a beer than a gripping tale of life or death battles at Cortez Bank or the day a local beachy turned into pipe for 2 hours.
Just terrible writing.
Ok the humidity where I am makes wearing no underwear and boardshorts the ONLY option. My “sandals” prevent the mass of swamp ass and balljuice all running down to a pair of new balances would be horrible. As for surf brands,I wear what the goodwill gave me!
This article is the most off the mark shit I have ever read on a surf website. Trying to be harsh you just sound like a hater. Kook.
I don’t know if these guys are getting paid to write or what. I could bet i could eat a Valium sit in front of my computer and take a shit on the keypad and do better, I’d do it for freefitty too. Hint hint.
Its so stupid it must be toung-in-cheek.. Wait, you wearing sandals, bro??
Q. What is that smell? A. Roberto Fazio’s non-surf branded smelly socks, emanating from inside his non-surf branded smelly shoes and his non-surf branded smelly travel bag.
Shoes suck when you’re always late…thanks sandals
And stop doing this. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Hah! Man I’m glad i’ve got some Jewish heritage now. For sanitary reasons and well this…
Fuck off Robert I am wearing socks and sandals right now
Jesus Boots!
“Fuck off Robert” is just a great general insult and I plan on using it liberally, if you don’t mind.
I’ve been using “suck it tribek!” pretty liberally for about a week now.
Makes sense, considering your username.
Feel free I seem to use it a lot myself
Dear Robert Fazio, what’s up with the collared shirt and your grandmothers “day driving” sunglasses? Also, why do you say that mainland surfers shouldn’t wear slippas (point 1.) or surf shorts (point 3.)? That just weird; that’s what us surfers in Hawaii wear, because we surf … you’re article was confusing because it was so stupid.
Don’t ever talk about surfing. Ever.
I’d like to imagine that none of us who read BG religiously need to take any of these tips on board…
This is one of the worst articles I’ve ever seen on BEACHGRIT. That’s saying a lot.
nah, the regularfooter vs goofyfooters article was terrible. this one wasnt bad
He misspelt “loses”. He deserves an anal fissure.
point 2 – shoots himself in the foot
I’m certain you have described 99% of the surfing community both pros and joes. Having said that you are sucking all the fun out like my 2nd grade teacher. I say cut lose and be yourself. Remember we are ALL kooks in one way or another. On a side note your avatar has inspired me to buy me a good pair of fit-over old fart glasses and rub one out. Cheers!
Is it actually hard to find good freelance surf writers? Thought all the bad had been sucked into the Inertia vortex
I would almost bet money that this was already posted on The Inertia…
EDIT: It was actually posted here back in 2014 without getting torched in the comments.
My only question is which Robert Fazio is this guy: the Santa Monica gold dealer, the cop who died in 9/11, the Principal of Maria Regina High School, the New York Physical Therapist, etc. An answer would clarify a lot.
You’re right, Beach Grit re-posting from 2014. Thought Stabmag only did that Derek?
Is this a sign of an emerging Baroque after BeachGrit’s Renaissance?!?!?!
Hopefully, as long as it means better composition, less harsh coloring, and better writing… I want to see Beach Grit Rococo! It makes me wonder, though: who of Derek, Chas, or Rory is Watteau, who is Boucher, and who is Fragonard?
If you’ll let me traffic in artists south of the Alps, I’ve got an idea of corresponding figures.
I’ll allow it. Just do it!
Back to the Baroque proper, I’ll just let them all be different Caravaggio paintings because, well, you don’t get fucking better than Caravaggio:
DR would be «Saint Francis of Assisi in Ecstasy» (1595) or, alternately, «Bacchus» (1596).
Rory would be «Judith Beheading Holofernes» (1598-9) or maybe «David with the Head of Goliath» (1609-1610) or «Salome with the Head of John the Baptist» (1610?). You see the theme developing here, but he could also be «Boy Bitten by a Lizard» (1596).
Chas would be «Young, Infirm Bacchus» (1593), «Boy with a Basket of Fruit» (1593-4) or «Amor Vincit Omnia» (1602), depending on what he’s doing with his shoes on that given day. Alternately, in light of his recent blood feud, perhaps «Medusa» (1597).
I especially liked your choice for Derek. And, true about Caravaggio. I was thinking though of Chas as more JB Neumann, Derek as Mansart (François), and Rory… I don’t know, Thomas Archer? I realize these are architects…
Yeah, the architecture game quickly necessitates crossing borders and centuries…like comparing Neco Padaratz to Duke Kahanamoku to Sally Fitzgibbons. I prefer to keep my baroque definition tight, homie. Late 16th c. to late 17th c., Italian to Flemish geographically.
Understandable position (just thought of Scandinavian “baroque,” which is shit). Maybe some order of Bernini, Borromini, and Guarini then… on second thought, I think any of those would be a little too complimentary to Rory…
Who is this Derek guy?
Come on, give him a little credit. The Inertia would never insult yoga, herbal teas, trucker hats or sandals, even in jest.