Inertia admits: “We’re embarrassing!”

While at the same time admitting, "We sneak lollipops to bed while mom's not looking and lick them under the covers!"

I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of pleasure surfing’s “definitive voice” gives me. Venice adjacent’s The Inertia pioneers never-before-seen realms of kookiness not seen since… since… since… ever. It would be difficult to come up with the amount of embarrassing content the website posts daily in an entire year.

There’s founder Zach Weisberg in the corner taking a bow! Oh wait, no, I’m sorry, he’s standing tall at 5’1″ but should be taking a bow because whew! Exhausting!

Let’s examine yesterday, for example. After posting a piece on the dangers of drugs and alcohol (?), The Inertia doubled down with a serious story about Pokemon.

Shall we read?

Screen Shot 2016-07-14 at 10.23.54 AM

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past week, you’ve probably noticed. The Pokemon craze is sweeping the nation.Pokemon Go is the newest game in the Pokemon franchise of video games. But unlike past iterations, it can be played on your iPhone or Android, and utilizes your phone’s location services so that as you move in real life, you move in the game. In fact, that’s the point. The game is impossible to play stationary. One must constantly be moving to search for new Pokemon, battle other trainers at gyms, and do anything within the game.

With number of players exceeding the number of Twitter users in the United States, the game is taking over. It may not be long before we start seeing Pokemon out in the lineup.

Bravo! And there’s founder Zach Weisberg in the corner holding his mighty scepter! All hail the King of the Kooks! Oh wait, no, I’m sorry, his mighty scepter is an iPhone or Android and he’s utilizing his phone’s location services so that as he moves in real life, he moves in the lame.

I mean game.

Chas Smith

Just in: Chas Smith is a “spineless dick!”

A multi-pronged blood feud! The Inertia v Chas Smith, What Youth and Surfing!

What’s going on? I’ve been working on my podcast. Medium of the future!

I love how, now that everyone has access to the ability to produce high quality video content, we’re embracing old timey amateur radio. It’s like cell phones. We can do full on futuristic video chat but everyone just sends short, typo-laden, text messages.

Anyway, here’s two little stories for today. Funny stuff, put a smile on my face, for sure.

Chas Smith is a “spineless dick.” 

Shots fired! I love it! BLOOD FEUD!

Sarcastic delivery of “drugs are bad!” But they aren’t. They’re great! Gotta glorify ’em. How else will all the poor children who are taught to stay away learn how rad they really are?

So I’m not gonna take a shot at Jacob McCafferty. I defintely won’t point out that he looks like a jug-handled Mormon kid who drank his first beer last week then sucked off his best friend then decided to double down on the homophobia because he feels guilty about how much he enjoyed it.

I don’t like to go after other writers. Usually. I know how difficult this deal can be, that sometimes tone doesn’t work, jokes fall flat. This is the internet age, we’ve got hours to work on pieces that’d’ve been given weeks a decade ago.

So I’m not gonna take a shot at Jacob McCafferty. I defintely won’t point out that he looks like a jug-handled Mormon kid who drank his first beer last week then sucked off his best friend then decided to double down on the homophobia because he feels guilty about how much he enjoyed it.

Jacob McCafferty

The Lunada fort is coming down. 

Pure gold. Local residents chimed in:

The Bay Boys who congregate there are “not a gang. It is a club,” said resident Pat Stolz, who urged the city to preserve the structure. “We don’t want crowds. Think twice when someone comes in and tells you what to do.” 

Another resident, Stanton Hunton, said the Bay Boys “are very pleasant people” and told the council members, “don’t succumb to the Coastal Commission.” 

Yes! Keep out the scum.

But there’s a problem. A fatal flaw.

City attorneys said that permitting the structure would mean that the city would also need to maintain it and assume liability for anyone who is hurt there.

“The truth of the matter is that the city does not want to own a structure like this. We can’t afford to own a structure like this,” said Councilman James D Vandever.

Once again proving that the only thing rich people hate more than sharing public resources is paying to maintain them.

Everything is always terrible podcast

Podcast: “Everything is Always Terrible!”

Episode two from intensely prudish broadcaster Rory Parker!

Episode two of Everything is Always Terrible is in the can and I’m damned pleased with it.

The second installment brings us Brandon Campbell, better known to the world as Laserwolf. He’s a rare breed: a high-talent surfer who built a thriving surf photography career in an astonishingly short period of time.

Laserwolf lives year-round on the Seven Mile Miracle. He plays with classic cars, charges huge waves, lives a life the likes of which most can only dream. We chatted about growing up in Florida, being a single father, his rather speedy rise to success, the importance of the hustle, good branding, the necessity of a strong social media presence, North Shore cults, French Bulldogs, politics, and loads of other fascinating things.

You can find us on Stitcher here.

iTunes here. 

Or press play on the SoundCloud panel below.

Give it a listen. Leave your angry comments below.

Who needs full disclosure when you've got boardshorts!
Who needs full disclosure when you've got boardshorts!

Surfing’s Great Veil of Secrecy (Stupidity)!

Billabong settles class action lawsuit! But doesn't admit to wrongdoing! The rare win-win!

The surf industry is a very strange nightclub’s backroom, roped off from the main party and dancing to its own strange DJ named Cutsnake. Few people enter. Nobody leaves. Conversations mutate while the records spin and paranoia descends like smoke from the smoke machine. Or, wait. Maybe that is smoke from the smoke machine? Does it smell the same? Musty? I think so.

In any case, it is an eddy near the shoreline of a rushing river where water stagnates and refuses to travel toward the sea. No water in. No water out. Or, wait. Is that how eddies work? Do they actually stagnate? Water has to come in right? But if water is coming in and not leaving then wouldn’t that part of the river overflow its bank? Is that what happens?

In any case, it is ridiculously cloistered and it can be because so few people are watching, listening or care. And so, in the surf industry you will see higher ups peddling straight bizarre lies (Hello, WSL CEO Paul Speaker! How much does Kelly Slater earn, per year, again? How deep is Cloudbreak?) and you won’t see any repercussions. Because so few people are watching, listening or care!

But apparently, courts and lawyers in Australia bent their ear for a few moments last week and slapped Billabong with a 45 million dollar bill for “allegedly misleading and deceiving shareholders” with its earnings forecast. Let’s read about it in the Gold Coast Bulletin!

GOLD Coast-based surfwear group Billabong will pay a total of $45 million, inclusive of legal costs, to settle the claims of a class action.

The class action began in 2015 and was pursued by law firm Slater and Gordon on behalf of about 730 institutional and retail investors who acquired Billabong securities between February 18, 2011 and December 19, 2011 and also registered to participate in the class action.

Proceedings were launched in the Victorian Federal Court, accusing Billabong of engaging in misleading and deceptive conduct over a series of earnings updates almost four years ago.

It sought unspecified losses and damages for a Melbourne retail investor, Newstart 123, trustee of the Malone Family Superannuation Fund, which lead the claim and whose $30,000 investment in Billabong was slashed in value by more than 50 per cent.

The action accused Billabong of failing to comply with its continuous disclosure obligations. It said the fund would have acquired Billabong shares at a lower price, or bought shares ‘in another listed entity instead’’ if the surfwear giant had not allegedly misled or deceived shareholders with its earnings forecasts.

Slater and Gordon Class Action Lawyer Odette McDonald said the proposed settlement was a ‘fantastic result and class action participants will no doubt welcome the news’.

“This is an excellent outcome for group members and, based on our assessment of their losses, investors will receive a strong return if the settlement is approved,” Ms McDonald said.

“Slater and Gordon’s class action was supported by a large group of current and former shareholders, ranging from small retail investors to prominent institutional investors”.

The lead plaintiff in the action was Newstart 123 Pty Ltd, trustee for the Malone Family Superannuation Fund.

The proposed settlement will be put before the Federal Court for approval, and class members will receive details of the proposed settlement shortly. Billabong makes no admission of liability under the terms of the settlement agreement.

And ain’t that great? I like making no admission of liability for 45 million dollars.

But really, if investors want to pour money into surf and expect rigorous, detailed truths they should maybe watch some World Surf League events first and listen to the upcoming EPIC conditions that are guaranteed to thrill JUST around the corner! Then wait for it…wait for it…oops! 2 ft onshore slop!

Hello again, WSL CEO Paul Speaker!

Kelly Slater wave pool
Can you imagine? Swing your blade over at the Slater and, later, move to the Wavegarden.

Retraction: Pools not better than travel!

Why travel when you can get crummy winds and brain-eating bugs in a pool?

A few months back I wrote you a letter citing “picturesque but unmakable runners,” “GI parasites” and “unfavorable wind” as things that I would seek refuge from during a future trip to NLand surf park. 

I regret to inform you that you may need to issue a formal retraction as the three elements cited above appear to, or will at some point, exist at this location in its current form.

You’ve done a great job of shedding light on the inheriting health risks of a large, mostly stagnant, body of fresh water languishing in the Texas sun. So much for parasite free.

Equally concerning is the photo in their consolation email. The ribby waist-high dribbler isn’t quite the “perfectly shaped six foot” prince that was promised. The picture also opens up an entirely different Pandora’s box: the wind.

NLand Surf Park

An uncle once said, and who knows if this is correct, that winds near the coast are predictable because the ocean is a more stable temperature than the land. In the absence of a strong weather system, mornings and evenings are usually offshore because the water is warmer than the nearby land. This causes the warm air above the sea to rise (hot air rises) and it is replaced by gas that has cooled off above the relatively cold solid ground. The result is a joyous offshore flow. The same phenomenon causes a mid-day seabreeze after the sun has warmed land to be hotter than the water.

Unfortunately for NLand, or any pool far from the sea, it would seem that their wind regime would be whatever it is in that area. Some .gov site (so you know it’s legit) says that in Austin Prevailing winds are southerly. However, in winter, northerly winds are about as frequent as those from the south.” 

Google maps seems to suggest that they’ve taken this into consideration as the plow thingy is oriented from northish to southish:

NLand Surf Park

But as we know, Wavegarden works in both directions to achieve its wave “every 60 seconds” promise.

I can hear the coaches now: Would you prefer the offshore forehand with a crumby backhand and giardia on the side, or the onshore frontside and hung-up backside with the brain-eating amoeba?

Both are great!