Make America Mahalo Again!
Make America Mahalo Again!

Politics: Hawaii doesn’t matter!

Rory Parker discusses the upcoming United States election and Hawaii's (non) importance!

I’m watching a bit of the Republican National Convention. Very interesting. Watching the republican party turn itself into a laughing stock is good fun. Crowd the handful of minorities present up front. Some purple haired black broad from California is screaming for Trump. If she gets her wish it’ll be the last time she’s in the front of anything.

I’m very happy I can sit this election cycle out. Whether anyone’s vote counts is up for argument, but if you live in Hawaii your presidential vote definitely don’t matter for shit. State’s solid democrat, always. We’ve only got four electoral votes out of a total of five hundred and thirty eight. And our polls don’t close until six hours after the East Coast. The race is decided while we’re still standing in line.

The stupidest people in Hawaii are up at the moment. Some snowbird haole throwing a shaka off to the side. Shrill looking senior slag with lemon lips next to him. Trotted out a token Hawaiian (maybe?) guy to say, “Mahalo.”

But this state would never vote for a party that’s all about cutting entitlements. People would starve. Which’ll happen when a full time wage job pays below the poverty line.

The real fucked up thing about this election? It’s probably in my best interest to support Trump. I’m an upwardly mobile straight white guy. And my lizard brain is always telling me, “fuck everyone else.”

But I don’t really see a reason to make life easier. Turning the difficulty down wouldn’t really make life better. Probably worse.

It is amusing when the most fervently anti-commie people are super stoked about building a wall on our border.

We’re here because they courted the Tea Party crazies, right? Though I guess a room full of ugly old white people supporting something hateful ain’t nothing new. Just a slightly different spin this time.

Which reminds me of a good general rule by which I live. If you ever find yourself chanting along with a roomful of people you should really stop and evaluate what you’re doing. Take a good had look at your beliefs. Because unless you’re at some sort of good natured sing-a-long there’s a solid chance you’re lending support to something that’s gonna turn ugly, fast.

Who wants their own version of Mick Fanning's J-Bay winning channel bottom? | Photo: @coreywilson

Buy: Fanning’s J-Bay channel bottom!

You like how it moved? Buy your own replica!

How about the buzz around Mick Fanning’s little channel bottom at J-Bay? It was like a teaspoon of the best honey straight from the hive.

Snapper aside, there isn’t a wave more suited to the Darren Handley-Mick Fanning combo than three-foot runners along Supertubes’ sand-rock bottom. It could’ve been little Snapper, Kirra, Burleigh.

Handley, in case you were wondering, knows how to liberate fins, knows how to peel apart a good point wave, and his surfboards reflect this skill. Fanning, of course, has won four J-Bay titles.

Now, DHD is selling a “limited run” of the J-Bay winning board. Fanning rode a DucksNuts 5’9″ x 18 7/8″ x 2 5/16″ (26.8 litres) with a swallow tail, channel bottom and super light 4 x 4 glassing, but you can climb aboard these dimensions too.

5’7 x 18 5/8 x 2 1/4  25.5
5’9 x 18 7/8 x 2 5/16  26.8  ( Micks File )
5’10 x 19 x 2 5/16  27.8
5’11 x 19 1/8 x 2 3/8  28.5
6’0 x 19 1/4 x 2 7/16  29.8
6’1 x 19 3/8 x 2 7/16  30.8
6’2 x 19 1/2 x 2 1/2  32

Contact DHD here. 

The Snail AG Rojas

Just in: WSL’s dazzling short film!

WSL/Samsung employ hipster director AG Rojas to make motivational short…

AG Rojas is the Spanish-born, LA-raised film director for whom the WSL and Samsung have turned to spice, just a little, their peppermint candy sweetness.

Did you ever see Rojas’ Hey Jane, a music video that features a drag queen hooker raising two kids? Gets hell beat out of her etc? Don’t weep, it’s only a movie!

The WSL/Samsung short, however, features an Indian surfer (subcontinental not American), and employs the metaphor of the brave snail overcoming all odds etc.


“While you were catching up on sleep this morning, there’s a snail out there, right now, who’s giving everything to cross the largest desert of a sidewalk he’s ever seen. Why? Because it beats hiding in his shell.”

Anyway, after the initial snort of laughter about the snail, this short grows on me. Like most Rojas pieces, it’s a colourful slow-mo tableau. Makes you want to surf? Yeah, it does.

The almost-thirty-year-old Rojas reveals his style of filming to one-point-four mag:

“My DP Michael Ragen and I enjoy the challenge of manipulating digital filmmaking to achieve the best possible, natural images. Our first jobs were shot on the RED and now we’re shooting mostly on the Alexa. Also, we shoot digitally because then I can afford to have as many takes as I want of people vomiting.”

Watch The Snail here.

If you liked that, y’gonna like this one for Dick’s Sporting Goods, too…

And this one for Duracell batteries…

Fanning Wilson
J-Bay 2015 is also locked into the record books, forevermore, with no winner. Mick and Julian, if you recall, split the points and went on their ways without trophy or recognition, aside from millions and millions of people around the word praising their steadfastness, steady backbones, heroism, courage and beach grit. I mean, true grit. | Photo: WSL/Kirstin Scholtz

Mick, Julian win participation trophy!

Participation in the most radical heat of professional surfing's history!

J-Bay 2016 is now locked into the record books with Mick Fanning recorded, forevermore, as champion. What a storybook finish! You Can Script This™! He surfed very well and deserved every Rand of prize money, every Balter beer, every huzzah etc.

J-Bay 2015 is also locked into the record books, forevermore, with no winner. Mick and Julian, if you recall, split the points and went on their ways without trophy or recognition, aside from millions and millions of people around the word praising their steadfastness, steady backbones, heroism, courage and beach grit. I mean, true grit.

Well, apparently the World Surf League thought it was time to give real trophies to both Mick and Julian. Bravery trophies! Mick says:

“After everything that happened with J-Bay last year the trophies got put away and Julian and I didn’t get one…because no one ever won…but the WSL went above and beyond and they created a trophy to give to Julian and I and it’s…just a plaque but it’s pretty heavy…”

It is beautiful and there are only two of them in the entire world. Watch Mick show it off here!

And what was the greatest trophy you ever won?


I got third place in something once. I think.

Maybe it was fourth.

Chas Smith and Richie Vaculik
Fighting is the least pretty of games. Ain't a man who exits battle with his dignity intact. But sometimes, y'just gotta stand there and hit back. Chas Smith prefers sexin' to fightin'. But he ain't adverse to the concept of defending honour. Here, we see Chas and his instructor the UFC warrior (and very good surfer) Richie Vaculik. | Photo: Rod Owen (

How to: beat hell out of someone!

The UFC's Rich Vaculik and how to retain a little dignity in the most undignified game of all…

I am not a fighter by nature. Most modern men aren’t. Evolution has canceled our need to fight for the most desirable woman, thereby dulling our desire. Desirable women will just as soon go with bandy armed artists as beach-muscled Hercules.

But. There comes a time in every bandy armed artist’s life when he must step up and be counted. Your best friend in the world is about to be pounced upon. Your girl is being called a slut.

Here comes a time to fight.

Men who have not fought fear what they don’t know. Fear the degrees of potential and actual pain. To help enlighten I step onto two different mats with UFC champion, Bra Boy, fearless surfer, and soon, author, Richie Vas.

First, Brazilian jiu-jitsu then kickboxing. I assume Richie does not go full but I try to incite. I lead with my head. I slap. He causes me pain.

How it feels to be hit in the head with a 16-ounce boxing glove: It is a dull thud that rattles thoroughly. The pain, and force, travels down the back of the neck and into the middles. My head felt full of cotton the next day. My face was puffy. It deadens the reflexes. I fell to the ground after a series of punches simply because I could not move my legs properly.

How it feels to be hit in the body with a 16-ounce boxing glove: Sharp and more painful, initially, though less debilitating than a head shot. Body blows take a toll, over time, and it becomes difficult to breathe fully. Or stand upright.

How it feels to be kicked in the kidneys: Of all the blows, this one angered me the most. Or caused anger to rise in me. I was not mad at Richie, of course. It wasn’t a cheap shot, of course. But the kidney kick made me want to bite at him. I wanted to head butt.

How it feels to be hit with an MMA fingerless glove: The pain is not dull but sharp. It stings. Stars and tears in the eye, instant. It causes a headache and a bruise. It hurts like a bare fist.

How it feels to be in a guillotine: (The guillotine is jiu-jitsu move where the head is locked, while standing. Wind and blood are cut off). I came in, head first. Richie grabbed around my neck and raised his body straight. It felt like imminent death. Instantly I was caught ‘tween earth and sky with not one good outcome. I could not think of what to do to get out of it. Every move felt wrong. If I tried to raise myself choking would get worse. I would have to carry Richie. If I fell down I would dangle on the noose around my neck. And room for lucid thoughts quickly gets crowded. I gagged. I laughed. I almost passed out.

How it feels to be arm barred: (When joints are bent the wrong way). Richie had me on the mat and my left elbow ready to break. It felt very not good. It hurt, badly. A torturous sort of hurt followed by a panic that rushes in at the thought of a useless, dangling wing. I didn’t like. All fight was chased out of me. I simply wanted to leave.

How it feels to Brazilian Jiu Juistu: Each move is tedious and meant to render the opponent totally useless. Initially it is not so scary, as, say, fist fighting. But once on my back with Richie’s hands searching to break my will, it felt worse than scary. I felt not manly and not competent. I had always assumed that the taller man is at serious disadvantage on the ground. But Brazilian master Bruno told me it is not true. A thin man with length can put opponents in positions where height leverage can be employed. I tested, with Richie’s permission and compliance. It worked! I could pop his head off by stretching him to my own height. A revelation!

How it feels to kick box: Richie stood an arm’s length away with a full arsenal of potential. Any move could render me paralysed. I neither fear nor run from pain. But it was difficult to stand, toe-to-toe, and watch a fist come flying at eyes. My reflexes were not nearly up to the challenge. To fight, at all properly, eyes must be kept on the opponent. Which means all the punishment is seen before it is felt. A double helping. It is said, in war, that the bullet you don’t hear is the one that enters you. Kickboxing is not the same. Everything is seen, and then enters. Until all goes dark.

How it feels to pass out: A rush of well-being. It is finished.

Now, let me tell you how to fight…

How to throw a punch: Keep your jaw tucked behind your off shoulder. Like, pretend you are holding something between chin and shoulder. Awkward but important. Fists up in front of chin. Feel out distance with off arm. Punch straight with strong. Elbows tucked in. If the elbows are out they telegraph punch. Swing from the hips. Twist and throw. It all starts with the footwork. Don’t windmill. Keep your eyes on the chest of your opponent.

How to take a punch: Best not to take one but if you have to? Brace for it. Keep jaw shut. Keep your jaw shut.

Best first move: First and best dressed. It is best to throw the first punch or attack first. Aim true and throw straight. Again, don’t windmill. A punch thrown wide and wild will not do any damage. But a gentleman’s way to stop a fight is with a choke hold. Less can go wrong. Getting someone in a submission hold is more polite.

Worst place to get hit: Temple, jaw. It rolls your brain and then you knock out.