Olympics: Let’s wave those stars and bars!

Or the damned Southern Cross if you are a no good convict!

Oh I know that I’m supposed to be so anti-Olympic because surfing is NOT a sport it is a LIFESTYLE but I am, in my heart, thrilled THRILLED that we will be marching in Tokyo. Because, like, USA! USA! USA!

And maybe it is my problem with the World Surf League. I can’t for the life of me seriously cheer for Kolohe Andino or Kanoa Igarashi or Dane Reynolds or any other individual on the World Surf League Championship Tour. Men who do are closeted pedophiles.

(I’m looking at anyone over 18 who has purchased a WSL surf jersey)

But I CAN cheer for country. For AMERICA! And I know that you cheer Australia, New Zealand, Brazil, etc.

So how much fun are we going to have in 2020? The message boards will be tinged with xenophobia and if Donald J. Trump in my president then nuclear war may be a very real option! We will bring real grit to our discussions, real passion. Paixao! We can discuss the nuances of British surfing (ha!) and the strengths of the Spanish (double ha!).

Who will surf for Mexico? For Fiji? For Tahiti?

Will it make Hawaii take separation seriously for the first time since the islands were annexed? Will Rory Parker have a major dilemma on his hands?

Goddamn I love nationalism.

Ed. Addition:

Look at WSL CEO Paul Speaker trying to chime in on someone else’s accomplishment! What a total asshat! Paul? Are you there? Do you want to talk with me yet? Fucking goober kook? NFL shit bag?

“Congratulations to ISA President, Fernando Aguerre, and the ISA on their successful bid to have the sport included in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games,” said Paul Speaker, CEO of the World Surf League (WSL), the globally recognized home of professional surfing

Globally recognized. Globally. Yeah.

Kelly Slater wave pool
Can you imagine? Swing your blade over at the Slater and, later, move to the Wavegarden.

It’s Official: Surfing is an Olympic Sport!

IOC formally includes surfing in the 2020 games. Are you thrilled?

This’ll give you a shiver, either good or bad. Today, as expected by everyone, the IOC formally included surfing in the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo.

“This is a huge moment for professional surfing and further highlights surfing’s rise as a global participatory and spectator sport,” said the WSL’s CEO Paul Speaker.

In the sort of oddly stilted quote you get when quotes go through the PR wash, world number two John John Florence said: “For the sport, being accepted onto the Olympic stage is a great step forward. Surfing continues to grow and seeing it reach the Olympic level is really exciting. I’m looking forward to the opportunity of representing our country if I’m fortunate enough to make the U.S. team.”

On the other side of the ledger, we find Owen Wright.

“Fuck the Olympics,” Owen told Surfer magazine (pre-brain trauma), later expanding on the theme to a reporter from the news agency Reuters: “I think surfing in itself is more of an art form and an expression so I think the Olympic banner doesn’t really suit the sport of surfing. It suits a lot of other sports but I think surfing is more like judging an art work. It’s kind of hard to put it under that one banner. If you had one event and named the Olympic champion? I think in the world surf league we have a bunch of different canvasses, they’re all totally different waves, and by the end of it you get the winner. I think it has to be like that, to have a bunch of different inclusions to get the one champion.”

And you?

Will you cry with the winners and losers on the podium and cast darting eyes at the rippling bodies flexing or will you just… cry?

Buy: A fabulous Stab-Minions exclusive!

Stab joins forces with the lovable Minions for a very special beach lifestyle offering!

Collaborations are very exciting aren’t they though? Who could ever forget 2009’s Kanye West x Nike’s Air Yeezy? Or 2011’s Kanye West x Jay-Z’s Ni**as in Paris? Supreme x Undercover? Opening Ceremony x Vans? The Standard x Quiksilver?

Stab x Minions?

That’s right! Your favorite retail conglomerate (Surfstitch x Swell x Stab x Magic Seaweed) just announced an exclusive offering of Minions-inspired surfwear.

You know the Minions don’t you? The lovable yellow creatures that first appeared in the films Despicable Me, Despicable Me 1 and Despicable Me 2 before getting their own stand alone film The Minions?

They are very funny and there was only a small controversy when it was revealed that their look might have been inspired by the children that Nazi’s used in poisonous gas experiments.


But do they surf? Apparently yes! Let’s read about it from the industry blog Shop-Eat-Surf!

Celebrating the Minions’ passion for the beach lifestyle as highlighted in the Minions Paradise mobile game, now available worldwide from EA, the Minions Lost in Paradise Collection will include t-shirts, denim and board shorts for men; and t-shirts, a midi dress, denim and swimwear, including a bikini and one-piece options, for women. Known for his iconic The Melty Misfit characters, Buff Monster interpreted key elements from the Minions Paradise game to design the core collection art. 

Style icons and models; filmmakers; innovators on Instagram, Snapchat and YouTube; and real-life couple Jay Alvarrez and Alexis Ren have been tapped to collaborate on the marketing campaign for the launch. Additionally, surfers, such as Rusty athlete Noa Deane, will appear in association with the collection. The influencers will be featured in a multi-layered digital campaign timed to the launch of the collection.

“Fans all over the world have embraced the Minions, and the popularity of the Minions Paradise EA game leading to the launch of an inspired apparel line is a real testament to the characters’ broad appeal,” said Manuel Torres, Executive Vice President, NBCUniversal Consumer Products. “Our partners at Illumination continue to inspire us to develop new creative opportunities for the Minions, and we look forward to the fans’ reaction to the limited edition surf collection.”

Available August 15, 2016, the collection will be sold exclusively by online action sports retailer Swell.com in North America and Europe and by Surfstitch.com in Australia.

The Minions’ passion for the beach lifestyle! Wonderful! Also, maybe we can hope for a Blood Feud! Do you remember Minions’ spokesman Jay Alvarrez’s with Ethan someone? Ouch!

Something you certainly must own. Buy exclusively at Surfstitch x Swell x Stab x Magic Seaweed!

Screen Shot 2016-08-03 at 10.38.26 AM

Alex Knost
It's fritzed beer meets expressionist art! Alex Knost, what do you make of him?

Watch: Metal Neck I and II!

Gluttonous expression by Andrew Doheny, Ford Arch, Noa Deane and pals!

Do surf movies give you a mental lethargy? So many bangers, so much serious, but maybe not enough of surfing’s bewildering, and yet vital, imperfections?

Newport Beach’s Andrew Doheny, who is almost twenty four years old, is anxious around strangers, enjoys speed-walking, drinks whiskey and Diet Coke on aeroplanes and admits to getting… bummed…quite a lot.

The Metal Neck series of films by Matt Trombergare fiercely egotistical and completely independent of brand influence. Whether or not you want to watch forty minutes of Christian Fletcher (a masterly cut featuring banks of archival), Doheny’s frontside tail throws, Creed McTaggart, Noa Deane, the mascot Metal Jimmy, Ford Archbold and co, is your choice to make.

I dip in, I dip out, finger hovering on the FF arrows.

Music by Lou Reed, Judas Priest and more! (Don’t you love a world without effective music copyright?)


Metal Neck 2 The Bangover from Matt Tromberg on Vimeo.

Watch the original here!

Metal Neck from Matt Tromberg on Vimeo.

Kelly Slater
Oversized bag charges are a seventy mill a year scam by Hawaiian Airlines, says Kelly Slater… 

Blood Feud: Slater, Hurley, Ho v Hawaiian!

Hawaiian Air's oversized baggage charges a $70 mill a year scam, says Slater… 

I doubt if there’s a condition more likely to send a surfer into an irrational fever than an airline’s surfboard policy.

You want to know before you go?

Click here for a comprehensive list of charges etc. 

This was emphasised today when the noted surfboard shaper and surf industry titan, Mr Bob Hurley, yeah, the same name you’re wearing on those lightweight pinched-hip trunks, had a falling out with Hawaiian Airlines.

Kelly Slater and Mason Ho were also quick to damn the airline.

Hurley announced to his 21k followers (for 400-ish likes):

I get happy when I see this logo. I love @hawaiianirlines BUT, recently had a horrible experience. Normally airlines charge extra for surfboards. We all expect it. Had three small boards in a 23 pound bag. They only allow two… even itty bitty ones. Was told in Honolulu that it’s not possible to put them on the plane. I offered to pay extra. Not possible says the manager. “Two is da rule.” 

I said, “It’s possible. I travel  ton and weight is the litmus test… she said this one time she would do me a favour… let me pay for two bags although it was one and she would look the other way… when I said… BUT… I felt like I might get arrested. Super bad vibes… Not another word… I know a lotta surfers that will no longer fly Hawaiian. I would be so happy to help with a practicable and profitable policy… but they have not asked. 

So sad for me. 

I don’t like doing stuff like this but I reached out to Hawaiian and they ignored me. Such a bum out. 

Be careful cause you will get busted for being smart and honest. #dontflyhawaiianairlines.

Kelly Slater, whom Hurley tagged, duly lit up on Hawaiian to his one-point seven million followers (a disappointing 4500-ish likes).

“Yep Hawaiian air is blownnnnnnnnnnn. To get my 3 boards on the plane I had to pay extra and tell them I shaped the boards myself in a art class in school.”

“This topic just baffles me… @hawaiianairlines should rectify their policy. It’s ridiculous and a default profit racket. They made over $70M last year in oversize/overweight baggage charges.”

Mason Ho was similarly outraged, if more poetic.

“Yep Hawaiian air is blownnnnnnnnnnn. To get my 3 boards on the plane I had to pay extra and tell them I shaped the boards myself in a art class in school.” 

Three hundred other people announced similar tales of woe involving Hawaiian Airlines although @fowhygundie had a more humanist take: “@kellyslater sorry that happened. I’m sure they were just doing their job. By posting this you are also putting thousands of local jobs at risk.”

What’s your take?

Are you, like me, perplexed that Bob Hurley, who sold his eponymous brand to Nike in 2002, doesn’t fly private?