Is there more to the pro surfing game than meets the eye?
Have you every wondered, “Is there more to this surfing game than meets the eye? Dark secrets? Murderous plots? Unhealthy ambitions? Nefarious backroom deals? Sabotage? Sabotaj? Death, destruction, vengeance? Death? Murder? Murder? Conspiracy, chemtrail, murder?”
If yes, you are not alone.
There is a man in Oceanside, California who believes that some of today’s most beloved pros are actually cold-blooded killers and maintain their positions in our imaginations by taking out the competition.
Literally.
The wonderful photographer Jack English stumbled upon him while playing with his young daughter on the beach one sunny day.
You, of course, know Jack’s work. He followed the tour for many years and shot some of the most iconic of images. His “Crying Jordy” is one of BeachGrit‘s all-time favorites. His website, surfimages.com, is a treasure and he, himself, is tall, tanned and handsome.
In any case, he saw this man across the way holding a sign. Of course he assumed it to be political in nature until he got closer and could read, clearly:
KELLY SLATER
MURDERED
ANDY IRONS
MARK FOO
His heart raced. Oh, of course he didn’t believe it to be true. He knows Kelly well and couldn’t imagine him killing anyone at all, much less Andy Irons and Mark Foo. He thought it must be some kind of sick joke and tells me on a warm Cardiff day:
I approach the guy and he begins rambling how Kelly choked him out in the water (surfing Oceanside). He just began rambling to me and I wasn’t sure if he was going to try to do something crazy to me or my daughter so i just asked to get his pic and let him be on his way.
Jack went home mind racing alongside heart. Of course none of what this crazy man said was true… except… except… oh never mind.
Weeks later he stumbled across him again and this time shot video. What unspooled is almost too much to report. Oh yes. Jack showed me. Kelly is a murderer, maybe even a serial killer, and Dane Reynolds wantonly destroys surfboards in order to clear the Ventura lineup.
It is all too shocking, too evil, and I will show you the video soon… if I don’t end up dead first.
Until then, we all have much to fear.
Those Beach Grit size 31 cut offs are tres chic.
That’s infamous FS regular, Chuck Steak. He’s been known to keep tabs on pro junior girls and the O’side dunnies.
Fair enough though. Who doesn’t get off on watching honeys taking shits….
wrong dunnies
Lol a little farther north and it coulda been Pierpont.
he looks in pretty good shape.
So now you’re getting surf journo fodder from Oceanside meth heads? Fail.
Come here often?
I’ve been known to darken the fair BG doorstep from time to time. Why do you ask?
The only thing kelly murdered.
Whatever job you have is a waste of your talent. You’re an artiste.
thanks. the hardest thing about this “work of art” was choosing to either spell it “punani” or “punany”…
You made the right decision mate. Punani is the way.
Punani is always the right decision…
Nick Dee in the flesh?
as an O’side guy, he probably thinks it was a conspiracy that Taylor Knox never won a title
Did you mean Nick Carroll?
At least I warned you people about Surfstitch shares.