Strap on... I mean in. Things are going to get
crazy!
Did you ever see the Leonardo DiCaprio film
Inception? It was good with a complex storyline. In short,
people entered other peoples’ subconsciouses and planted
information. Or something.
The thing, though, is that people could enter other peoples’
subconscious subconscious subconsciouses.
Or something.
Layer upon layer of twist, turn, misdirection. Which one is the
dream? Which is the dream inside the dream? Which is the dream
inside the dream inside the dream? I was on the edge of my seat,
thoroughly taken.
And enter your second favorite chia recipe destination The
Inertia! This morning the Internet’s “Distributor of
Ideas” stepped away from pregnant wake surfers and
101 ways to use a rinse kit to publish a story on a
story …are you still with me… done by Vice Sports of night surfing
in Cornwall, England presented by Samsung.
A story…
…on a story…
…done by Vice Sports…
…of night surfing…
…in Cornwall, England…
…presented by Samsung.
Boom.
It is like a turd inside a turd inside a turd inside a turd
inside an ugly Korean phone.
Mind. Blown.
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Eli Hanneman is a Masterpiece!
By Derek Rielly
A day in the life of the dazzling 13-year-old from
Maui!
Watching a youth in his late teens bang off jump after
jump is something which you might give or take. Seeing a
couple of kids, only just turned twelve and thirteen, operate a
surfboard with this sort of dexterity, however, is a…
wonder.
The Maui surfer Eli Hanneman, who is thirteen, appears in this
excellent, if simple, day-in-the-life short. Eli describes his day
as blocks of two three-hour surfs, with a midday nap, or one
five-hour session, where he practises the manoeuvres he wishes to
have perfected by the time he hits the tour in four or five
years.
Making a fine cameo is the half-Australian, half-Indonesian boy
Bronson Meidy, who was born and raised in the surf ghetto of Lakey
Peak only twelve years ago.
Watch? Yes!
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Portlandia: “Put a surfer on it!”
By Chas Smith
Will Oregon save the surf shop? Let's see!
I grew up, as noted here often, in the Pacific
Northwest. Though I look back now with misty-eyed appreciation, at
the time I did not find the dreary, cold, rednecked, cold, cloudy,
economically depressed, oppressively green, wet, backwoods,
backwater, cold, wet thing charming.
And Portland, the jewel, the rose, did not exist in my youth. It
was merely a dull city four hours away. It had not yet become
“Portland.”
In any case, I read just yesterday that Portland is getting its
first surf shop and its second soon after and since it is
“Portland” they will also sell coffee and craft beer.
Genius?
Yes!
Cosube and Up North Surf Club are appropriately named, sell
coffee/beer, feat. art and screen film and might actually be
successful. There is one other place in town that has been
open since 1983 and sells surfboards but also sells snowboards and
SUPs (yuck on the SUPs!). It’s owner tells The Oregonian newspaper:
“I totally think we need more bars and coffee shops in
Portland. It’s a cool idea, I guess. I think a lot of places
already do things like that without actually saying they’re a surf
shop. Maybe I should open up a margarita stand outside.”
Does that sound like he’s being facetious or serious? Maybe
facetious. But I think he really should open up a margarita stand
outside.
Which brings my around to my point. If surf shops in southern
California made wonderful cocktails I would visit tons and probably
accidentally make drunken purchases.
How in the hell have surf shop owners not thought of this
already? Does “Portland” have to lead us all to the well and show
us how to drink?
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The best surf movie you’ve never seen!
By Derek Rielly
"It'll help you find God!" says its maker Ray
"Runman" Klein…
You’ve never heard of Ray Kleiman. Long ago, he and
his buddy Morgan Runyon made a series of hilarious Super 8 surf
movies under the moniker, Runman. The series peaked
in 1990 with the third of the series, Runman 69.
So, there was rapture, at least in my heart, when I discovered
Runman’s own version of 2005’s The Bruce
Movie in that film’s DVD extras. In the six-minute short,
we go deep into Bruce’s off-tour life on Kauai. We see a wild pig
killed for a wedding feast. We see a drunk getting decked for
hassling Bruce. We watch Bruce eat it jumping a motorbike. We see
Andy and Bruce drunk together, we see tourists getting smashed on
rocks and a wild stationary wave. We see giant whip-in airs and
loving closeups of Bruce’s (now ex-girl), Mia’s, ass and
titties.
Surf movies don’t get any better, or shorter.
I gave Ray a call on Thanksgiving to give us the low down
on his contribution to The Bruce Movie all those
beautiful years ago…
BeachGrit: Hey, Runman! Happy Thanksgiving!
Oh fuck, anything to do with celebrating killing people we
love…
Your movie is a masterpiece. How would you define
your style?
I film reality as I see it. I don’t like to set anything up. I
just like to film. And I get people as they usually are.
Talk me through the scene on the stationary wave where
Bruce and Kamalei Alexander collide and then Bruce steals Kamalei’s
board? Was Bruce serious?
That was pretty serious.
I would’ve thought that Kamalei would’ve squashed him
like a bug given his awesome reputation.
You know how it is, when someone’s mad and the other person
probably isn’t mad.
There’s many scenes of tourists being washed into rocks
or into the ocean. Why?
That’s just… comedy.
It’s a common theme in your movies.
We do that a lot.
Do you live on Kauai?
I’m on earth.
I admit, I loved the juxtaposition of Bruce’s parents
cheering when he crashed the bike.
Yeah, that’s a good one! They loved that!
Have your heard if Bruce liked the movie?
It looks like he likes it. I see him, I hang out with him. I
don’t really to talk to him about it. We know each other real
good.
Your lens ponders Mia at length.
Yeah! She’s hot!
Tell me about the guy getting slapped by Chava Greenlee
(Bruce’s friend, noted surfer on the North Shore)?
He was kinda mouthing off and was drunk and getting in Bruce’s
face. The best story I heard about that was a guy came up to me and
said, Hey man, my friend is in your Bruce movie. I said, Really?
And he said, Yeah, it’s the guy getting punched out. This guy went
up to his friend and said, You’re in the new Bruce movie! And he
said, What am I doing? And he
said, You’re catching two feet of air!
The pig’s in a bad way in the opening
scene.
That’s the real deal.
And it was classic, the stickers: Welcome to Hawaii
– now go home and Aloha also means goodbye.
You gotta show how it really is…
What do you do for leaves when you’re not
filming?
I work on the land.
Are you a farmer or a shephard?
I caretake big pieces of property.
Do you carry a shotgun and ride on a
four-wheeler?
No, it’s all on foot.
Is movie making a hobby?
I film for love. And it makes money sometimes.
How much did you get for this sweet little
extra?
I made the the Bruce movie for love. I don’t think I got
directly paid for it.
Did you get a hat?
I got a pat on the back with and I love you and a sticker.
Will this movie help non-believers find
God?
It’ll definitely save a lot of people.
And to conclude?
If you want to see the real deal, watch my movie. And thanks to
Volcom for letting me put it out there.
Watch here!
<
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Parker: “I’m a sexual predator!”
By Rory Parker
And, guess what! He just met the cutest Belgian boy
in his search for a vacay three-way!
Beer Festival in San Juan del Sur. Did not
know. Not my scene. I take my lagers ice cold and in large
quantities. Less flavor the better. Alcohol delivery mechanism.
Wife’s a fan of flavor. Very excited. Bought our way. Expected a
tasting situation. Handed a huge pile of tickets. More than enough
to find oblivion.
Expected a chance to explore a stranger’s sexuality. Was not to
be that night. Infested with all-male surf tour groups. “You’re
from Hawaii? Do you surf big waves?”
Stupid question asked repeatedly. Friendly. Frustrating. Second
to “Oh, what do you write?”
Gay erotica, mostly.
Met a SoCal expat bartender at the microbrew bar. Kid was a
prick. Too cool for school. Val transplant to Hermosa Beach.
Parents financed relocation to Nica so he could “focus on surfing
and brewing.” Flat brim cap. Very narrow shoulders.
Very drunk wife wanted to fight him. Settled for stiffing him on
the tip. Pulled the helpful Nico bartender aside, big smile on his
face when we told him not to share. Pocket the cash. Fuck that
gringo.
Our friend owns a successful brewery in the South Bay. No
reference for this bozo.
Pills! G strings! Throwing out huge tips because we’re rich.
Some lady very upset at our chain-smoking bar side. Pointed glances
and fake coughs. Been tossing tenners at staff. We can do what we
want. They told her to move if she didn’t like it.
Beer fest three-way proved impossible. SJDS sausage fest.
Competition too high. I don’t pay or compete for pussy. Looking
forward to Playa Gigante. Solo tripper open minds ripe for
plucking. lacking a protective circle of friends to chase us
off.
Our hotel is very nice. Downstairs staff can definitely hear us
fuck. Coy glances on our way in and out. Only awkward on their
end.
Low-level codeine works wonders for a hangover. Chase it with a
liter of water. I feel ten years younger.
Sunday Funday is stupid name. Pay for your wrist band, join in
the anarchy. Half-naked drunken children letting loose. Too young
to drink in their home country. Too naive to feel fear. Ripe and
unwary.
Day drinking in the heat, stumbled onto a shuttle to the Naked
Tiger Hostel. Couldn’t handle the place these days. Would have been
heaven ten years ago. Now I want a clean room and ice cold a/c.
Maid service. A television I won’t watch.
Shots are a bad idea. Watered down anyway. Or not tequila. Hard
to tell. Definitely the wrong shade. Suck ’em down with kids half
my age. Grab beers for the group. A buck a pop, I’m Mr Big
Spender.
Got to creeping. Wife took the lead. Less threatening than me.
Occasionally feel awkward when I’m the biggest guy in the room.
Loom over hairless boys and well waxed girls. Come across as
threatening. Which I am. In a different context.
Wife asked a lovely Irish lass to dinner. She’d love to. I need
to make things clear. Slurring words with rounded edges.
“Okay, just so you know, it’d be a date.”
“What do you mean?”
“We want to date you.”
“Oh.”
“Did that make it awkward?”
“Kind of.”
“Good. So what do you say? Will you date me and my wife?”
Wife chimes in with, “It’s not a sexual thing.”
“No, it totally is.”
She seemed overwhelmed, but intrigued. Said she’d think it over.
Disappeared into the crowd.
Dancing with a plump Israeli girl. Grinding my hard-on against
her thigh. Going well, until she started puking. Friends gathered
around. Get her some water. Sit her in a corner. Look for another
option. I’m a lot of things, not a rapist.
Very cute Belgian couple. Guy making eyes at me. That works. His
head at my shoulder, not a hair on his shirtless torso. Adorable
little girlfriend. Would fit in my pocket. The four of us could
make a big sweaty stew. Group grope. No rules. Don’t be a sex
coward.