Come get your lightening round!
I love power rankings. I love them no matter who does them from Lou-Sam to Derek Rielly from Nick Carroll to Nick Carroll from Matt Warshaw to Albert Einstein. I read and think, “Such observation! Such skill! I could never write a power ranking!”
Until today.
There I was drinking sake and reading ESPN’s week two NFL power ranking and feeling bored, thinking that the writer could have summed up each team with just one word instead of a small paragraph. And then I thought, “I could do that! I could write one word!”
So without further ado:
- John: John
- Gabi: Stepson
- Wilko: Goofy
- Jordy: Nippies
- KS: GOAT
- Parko: #lifeisbetterinboardshorts
- Ace: Friendly
- Italo: Italian
- Julian: Snakebit
- Kolohe: AndDino
- Filipe: Dizzy
- ADS: Rotorooter
- Mick: Lebensabschnittpartner
- Bourez: 500
- Kerr: upt/azy
- Sea-Bass: kickhisass
- Caio: Ciao
- Wiggolly: Dantas
- Stu Kennedy: Forehead
- Nat Young: Eyes?
- Kanoa Igarashi: Twink
- Jadson: Middle-aged-hair-line
- Miggy Pupo: Fun!
- Dusty: Springfield
- Conner: secret-turn
- Adam Melling: Lebensabschnittpartner-lite
- Davey Cathels: I’ve got nothing. Who is he again?
- Jack Freestone: GOT
- Alejo Muniz: Yeah?
- Alex Ribeiro: #ibeforeeexceptafterb
- Matt Banting: Dane/Craig
- Keanu Asing: 4’11
The end.
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Julian:Bibier
An bent anarchist swimming in deep water. Interesting.
Can we get another column called “Parker Rankings?”
Would it kill you to drink a regular beer Chas! Fuck
Yeah Sake fuck!!
I’m a Beach Grit fan. And Rory is my compadre.
‘You silly drip. Here’s your car keys.’
I like that Keanu Asing and the Cleveland Browns share 32nd on the power rankings… by my predictions The Browns will rebuild into Super Bowl contenders by 2018… i can now also see Keanu being world champ 2018… “Browns and Asing 2018” you heard it here first…
on a side note “kick his ass seabass” one of the better lines from one of the best movies ever made
is “gay” a put down? In 2016?
It’s synonymous with a really vibrant sex life and good taste in menswear. So no.
Nah, Fever Tree Ginger Beer.
Welcome to BeachGrit! Have you been banned from our sister site STAB? That’s a pretty lame first comment… I’d like to think you can only move upwards and onwards from this moment!
One word is fucking hard
1).JJF – Maybe, 2) Medina – Whiner 3) Wilko – Choking 4) Jordy – questionable 5) Kelly – Distracted 6) Parko – Bored 7) Ace – consistent 8) Italo – Freak 9) Julian – Excuses 10) Kolohe – Overhyped 11) Filipe – helicopter 12) ADS – poostance 13) Mick – modelling 14) Bourez – Kettlebells 15) Kerr – confused 16) Seabass – lovedup 17) Caio – who 18) Wiggolly – fun 19) Stu Kennedy – Tomo 20) Nat young – boring 21) Kanoa – weights!! 22) Jadson – ears 23) Pupo – braces 24) Dusty – Rusty 25) Conner – Gerr 26) Melling – underrated 27) Cathels – Gone 28) Freestone – Alana 29) Alejo – nope 30) Ribeiro – QS 31) Banting – injured 32) Keanu – scrapper
I like Pupo:Braces
Exactly; perhaps it should be – Ace: Reader
First edition Beach Grit power rankings:
1. Chas: Scandal
2. Derek: AltRight
3. Rory: Deplorable
4. Mahdi: Magnificent
..
..
99. Michael Kocher: (con)artist
Not exactly a “Power Rankings” if you’re simply going to list them by their actual rating…
Official Post-Hurley Pro Power Rankings:
1. Jordy: Goober
2. Simpo: Gallant
3. JJF: Gimpy
…
9. Fanning: Goebbels
…
22. Nat: Grendel
…
But what if their actual rating and their power rating is one and the same (in my heart)?
Then the world has stopped spinning, the starts have aligned, and the universe has reached an unprecedented equilibrium.
no 9 had me on the floor.
Cool!!
Jealous Chas beat you to it?
Everyone should do! They’ll all be better than mine!
Davey Cathels: QS
Best Power Rankings ever, right from the start.
Although I would’ve chosen “Carve” for Stu Kennedy.
I was totally stuck on half of them and should have simply opened it all up to the comment section…which is what I hope happens anyhow.
I revel in the strict observation of the only rule of Power Rankings:
No compliments in Power Rankings unless you work at (or aspire to work at) -ER or -ING.
After France I’ll do the Mariano Landa compliment free version!
Oh, but your compliments don’t count as compliments. Because they’re not compliments.
I didn’t mean “Carve” in the complimentary sense, rather, the windshield-sunglasses sense.