Couch surfing

The Strangest Ever Man in Surf!

Jamie O'Brien once had the strangest man ever in surf as his agent. Come and meet!

I dug out an old machine yesterday and it has reams and reams and reams of half-finished writing bits, lost interviews, buried personalities, flotsam and jetsam.

And this.

Jamie O’Brien once had the strangest man to ever dance through this surf world as his agent. I spent lots of time with him and could never quite decide if he was an untethered genius or disturbed giant. Just like Ignatius J. Reilly.

He confused absolutely anyone he came across. Confounded them. And yet he made Jamie into a surf personality. Like or hate, Jamie has succeeded far above what was rightfully his.

Anyone who came across this man in this surf world has stories. If you do tell it to me in the comments!

Here is one of mine recording the first time we met.

The orange Australian is wedged, semi-comfortably, between table and un-upholstered bench, in a private dining suite. His girth necessitates an economy of movement. Chopsticks held in hand, brought to mouth. Champagne flute, held in other, brought to mouth. There is a sort of general stillness, except for the hands and the mouth.

“And mate. Don’t go fucken telling me for one fucken minute that digi-cammo would not sell. Look. Parkour requires both dexterity and the ability to get lost in a crowd. The whole fucken art was started to allude fucken autoritarian figures. It, like digi-cammo, is born out of functionality, not some sort of bull fucken shit fashion bourgeoisie mentality.”

A double extra-large Spike Lee dressed as Mars Blackman peers, menacingly, from a well-washed black t-shirt.

“But parkour is uncool.” I retort. He snorts and grabs for a delicate piece of Kobe beef.

It is thus how I meet Andrew Long. I am jet-lagged from a longer than expected flight from Sydney to Tokyo. I always had the two cities close. Maybe it is because I heard stories of Japanese designs on Australia during WWII and figured Sydney to be the target. Baz Luhrmann corrected me later in the epic Australia.

The private dining suite is located at the topmost floor of a Ginza high-rise. It’s lacquered black sliding door opens periodically and a demure Japanese boy enters with either more entrees or more drinks. Sake, sushi, Dom Perignon. The entire meal is on the hotel. Last time Andrew ate here a cockroach was found in his soba.

“The fucken surf industry is not even smart enough to fucken know that the surfers on the tour cannot move product. Best case scenario, a surfer who rides for a brand wins. Nobody will buy more of that brand thanks to the victory. Worst case scenario, a surfer who rides for a brand loses and everybody stops buying that brand thanks to perceived fucken taint.”

The lacquered black sliding door opens again and a nonplussed manager is standing with another bottle of Dom Perignon. Andrew keeps talking, spitting little fishlets out of his orange mouth.

“The fucken surf industry…blah blah blah.”

microphone cocks
How do you define a magic cock? Might these microphone cocks be classed as magic? Or magical?

Podcast: “Everything Is Always Terrible!”

Parker and a BeachGrit commenter talk judging, the girl's tour and sucking "magic cocks."

Another episode of Everything is Always Terrible. Finally. Took long enough.

I’d apologize to our sponsors, but we don’t have any. So the only person I’ve screwed is myself. Hard to keep momentum going when you’re not doing anything to keep momentum going.

This episode is a bit of a shift in format. No interview, just me and a BeachGrit commenter chatting about stuff. Some of it’s fun, some of it is not.

We talked about the suicide and depression. A bit of a hot topic for me recently. Very strange to have someone you share a name with commit suicide. Very surreal to have Kelly Slater announce your death on the WSL webcast.

We talked about lighter fare. Judging at Trestles, the hoopla surrounding it. We talked about the female side of the tour. We discussed the WSL’s recent decision to allow their competitors to enter the Titans of Mavericks, sans WSL sanction.

We talked about sucking magic cocks.

I’m aware that “Rory talks to anonymous internet commenter” probably isn’t going to drive a ton of traffic to the podcast. But that’s okay.  I just needed to get moving again, and Karl gave me an excuse.  And it turned out well enough that I’m happy to share it with the world.

Listen here.

Kolohe Andino punches surfboard
A certain website Chas loves to roast has been on the "chill out, bro" trip lately. When someone is a prick, you're just supposed to let it go. I don't understand why. Spending your days in a haze of rage sure as hell ain't healthy, but ignoring your emotions sucks ass. | Photo: WSL

When did anger become wrong?

There's nothing wrong with being pissed off when life isn't going the way you want…

The brother-in-law is finally gone. Much needed peace and quiet descends on my household.

Which is being used to clean a month’s worth of guest mess before my grandmother arrives tomorrow. The kid did nothing to help other than wash the dishes a few times. I’m no neat freak, but three people and two dogs in a two bedroom house is a recipe for filth. Scrub scrub scrub, CinderRory.

The breadwinner says she’ll help, but I ain’t holding my breath. I can go a long while without breathing, but not, like, forever.

Meanwhile I’ve got a podcast to edit (Anastasia Ashley!), still supposed to pump out my daily drivel. But all I really want to do is pop a couple valium, chug a couple beers, and sleep for twenty hours straight.

Also, my laptop force upgraded to the latest version of Windows 10, even though I had auto-upgrades turned off, and now it chugs along like a piece of shit. Broke half my software. Had to do a last minute scramble to find a new way of recording my podcasts. Very stressful. Rage inducing.

I’m just a simmering pot of angry at the moment. The wife keeps saying I need therapy. I don’t want therapy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being pissed off when life isn’t going the way you want. Yeah yeah yeah, we’re all supposed to be zen masters who let our problems roll off our backs like water off a duck, but I can’t keep that up for forever. Can anyone?

When did it become wrong to get angry?

When I’m waiting in line to buy a pack of smokes, and the tourist dad in front of me hits the cashier and announces to his family, “Come on guys, I’m paying,” then holds up the line for ten minutes as his ugly wife and brood of idiot children slowly trickle to front of the ABC store with hands full of junk, then the mom says, “Oh, wait, I forgot something,” am I not allowed to be pissed?

I’m just a simmering pot of angry at the moment. The wife keeps saying I need therapy. I don’t want therapy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being pissed off when life isn’t going the way you want. Yeah yeah yeah, we’re all supposed to be zen masters who let our problems roll off our backs like water off a duck, but I can’t keep that up for forever. Can anyone?

Why can’t I just shove them out of the way, say “Back of the line, fuckers,” then get on with my day?

A certain website Chas loves to roast has been on the “chill out, bro” trip lately. When someone is a prick, you’re just supposed to let it go. I don’t understand why. Spending your days in a haze of rage sure as hell ain’t healthy, but ignoring your emotions sucks ass.

When someone stuffs you three times in a row you’re justified in kicking your board square into the small of their back.

“Oops, sorry. It was an accident. Relax, dude. It’s only surfing.”

Embrace the rage, set it free. Create a world where people are polite. Not because it’s the right thing to do, but because some crazy motherfucker my hand them a world of hurt.

Victory so close it can be tasted!
Victory so close it can be tasted! | Photo: WSL / Pullenot/Aquashot

Ms. Conlogue and the bliss of ignorance!

The World Title races tightens to an almost dead heat! Or does it?

What an exciting day of professional surfing! What thrills! And did you watch? Did you see World Number 2 Courtey Conlogue depose World Number 1 Tyler Wright in Portugal? Oh the timezone is a bit funky as it relates to the United States and Australia, even Brazil, so don’t abuse yourself too badly if you missed.

But wow!

Australian Tyler Wright was seen as having the whole show basically wrapped up but look at the rankings now. American Courtney Conlogue is a mere 5250 points behind. The amount received for a 5th place finish! Peanuts!

I was thinking super wow!

And then I spoke with a handsome gentleman who understands this game better than me and also makes math with ease. He told me that Tyler is way crazy ahead of Courtney when the things are dropped etc. and almost impossible to catch her. Courtney, he suggested, probably doesn’t even know how miserable her situation really is because the math are weird a tricky.

Should we let her feel like she is a mere 5250 points behind or should we spoil the fun?

Let’s let her feel!

Go Courtney Conlogue! Go and win!

(You basically can’t.)

Go and grab the World Title!

(Pretty much impossible.)

Go and wear the crown! 2016 Champion!

(Not going to happen.)

Shit. I’m not very good at this.

Just in: BeachGrit hits the almost big time!

A strange rumor reprinted sans fact check!

Being a minor league gossip-monger is sometimes tedious work. My ear is always pressed so firmly to the ground that I fear it may soon cauliflower. The rumors are, very often, tedious themselves. Like, any vibration having to do with number 44 in the world Marco Fernandez lead me straight to snooze-ville.

But Miley Cyrus and Stephanie Gilmore in a food fight? Gimme gimme!

It was published right here four short weeks ago in all of its glory and began:

Forgive the lack of accurate detail and possible meanders into non-truth. I was listening to someone else’s conversation, eating Chinese food and drinking a ridiculously sweet/fizzy rosé. Easy to get very mixed up.

Not the most rock solid of starts but completely still completely true, I think. Just fuzzy!

Anyhow it was picked up by major league gossip-mongers the The Daily Telegraph directly and without fact check. Let’s read!

In what is one of the stranger stories to land on Confidential’s desk, Aussie surfer Stephanie Gilmore has reportedly had a cake fight with US actor turned singer Miley Cyrus.

We weren’t even aware they knew one another, however apparently Gilmore and her boyfriend were dining at Soho House in Hollywood with Cyrus and her Australian fiance Liam Hemsworth when they decided to smash some tequila shots.

After being separated, Gilmore apparently picked up a cupcake and threw it at Miley Cyrus’s boob.

It hasn’t yet been confirmed or established whether the cake was thrown in anger or humour.

And how do I know it was picked up from your beloved BeachGrit?


Oh I never kiss and tell! I’m just happy to feel like a star for one brief moment. To look through the glass door of the almost big leagues.

Is there anything better than Throwing Disqus? I’ll tell you. There is not.