microphone cocks
How do you define a magic cock? Might these microphone cocks be classed as magic? Or magical?

Podcast: “Everything Is Always Terrible!”

Rory Parker

By

Parker and a BeachGrit commenter talk judging, the girl's tour and sucking "magic cocks."

Another episode of Everything is Always Terrible. Finally. Took long enough.

I’d apologize to our sponsors, but we don’t have any. So the only person I’ve screwed is myself. Hard to keep momentum going when you’re not doing anything to keep momentum going.

This episode is a bit of a shift in format. No interview, just me and a BeachGrit commenter chatting about stuff. Some of it’s fun, some of it is not.

We talked about the suicide and depression. A bit of a hot topic for me recently. Very strange to have someone you share a name with commit suicide. Very surreal to have Kelly Slater announce your death on the WSL webcast.

We talked about lighter fare. Judging at Trestles, the hoopla surrounding it. We talked about the female side of the tour. We discussed the WSL’s recent decision to allow their competitors to enter the Titans of Mavericks, sans WSL sanction.

We talked about sucking magic cocks.

I’m aware that “Rory talks to anonymous internet commenter” probably isn’t going to drive a ton of traffic to the podcast. But that’s okay.  I just needed to get moving again, and Karl gave me an excuse.  And it turned out well enough that I’m happy to share it with the world.

Listen here.

Kolohe Andino punches surfboard
A certain website Chas loves to roast has been on the "chill out, bro" trip lately. When someone is a prick, you're just supposed to let it go. I don't understand why. Spending your days in a haze of rage sure as hell ain't healthy, but ignoring your emotions sucks ass. | Photo: WSL

When did anger become wrong?

Rory Parker

By

There's nothing wrong with being pissed off when life isn't going the way you want…

The brother-in-law is finally gone. Much needed peace and quiet descends on my household.

Which is being used to clean a month’s worth of guest mess before my grandmother arrives tomorrow. The kid did nothing to help other than wash the dishes a few times. I’m no neat freak, but three people and two dogs in a two bedroom house is a recipe for filth. Scrub scrub scrub, CinderRory.

The breadwinner says she’ll help, but I ain’t holding my breath. I can go a long while without breathing, but not, like, forever.

Meanwhile I’ve got a podcast to edit (Anastasia Ashley!), still supposed to pump out my daily drivel. But all I really want to do is pop a couple valium, chug a couple beers, and sleep for twenty hours straight.

Also, my laptop force upgraded to the latest version of Windows 10, even though I had auto-upgrades turned off, and now it chugs along like a piece of shit. Broke half my software. Had to do a last minute scramble to find a new way of recording my podcasts. Very stressful. Rage inducing.

I’m just a simmering pot of angry at the moment. The wife keeps saying I need therapy. I don’t want therapy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being pissed off when life isn’t going the way you want. Yeah yeah yeah, we’re all supposed to be zen masters who let our problems roll off our backs like water off a duck, but I can’t keep that up for forever. Can anyone?

When did it become wrong to get angry?

When I’m waiting in line to buy a pack of smokes, and the tourist dad in front of me hits the cashier and announces to his family, “Come on guys, I’m paying,” then holds up the line for ten minutes as his ugly wife and brood of idiot children slowly trickle to front of the ABC store with hands full of junk, then the mom says, “Oh, wait, I forgot something,” am I not allowed to be pissed?

I’m just a simmering pot of angry at the moment. The wife keeps saying I need therapy. I don’t want therapy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being pissed off when life isn’t going the way you want. Yeah yeah yeah, we’re all supposed to be zen masters who let our problems roll off our backs like water off a duck, but I can’t keep that up for forever. Can anyone?

Why can’t I just shove them out of the way, say “Back of the line, fuckers,” then get on with my day?

A certain website Chas loves to roast has been on the “chill out, bro” trip lately. When someone is a prick, you’re just supposed to let it go. I don’t understand why. Spending your days in a haze of rage sure as hell ain’t healthy, but ignoring your emotions sucks ass.

When someone stuffs you three times in a row you’re justified in kicking your board square into the small of their back.

“Oops, sorry. It was an accident. Relax, dude. It’s only surfing.”

Embrace the rage, set it free. Create a world where people are polite. Not because it’s the right thing to do, but because some crazy motherfucker my hand them a world of hurt.

Victory so close it can be tasted!
Victory so close it can be tasted! | Photo: WSL / Pullenot/Aquashot

Ms. Conlogue and the bliss of ignorance!

Chas Smith

By

The World Title races tightens to an almost dead heat! Or does it?

What an exciting day of professional surfing! What thrills! And did you watch? Did you see World Number 2 Courtey Conlogue depose World Number 1 Tyler Wright in Portugal? Oh the timezone is a bit funky as it relates to the United States and Australia, even Brazil, so don’t abuse yourself too badly if you missed.

But wow!

Australian Tyler Wright was seen as having the whole show basically wrapped up but look at the rankings now. American Courtney Conlogue is a mere 5250 points behind. The amount received for a 5th place finish! Peanuts!

I was thinking super wow!

And then I spoke with a handsome gentleman who understands this game better than me and also makes math with ease. He told me that Tyler is way crazy ahead of Courtney when the things are dropped etc. and almost impossible to catch her. Courtney, he suggested, probably doesn’t even know how miserable her situation really is because the math are weird a tricky.

Should we let her feel like she is a mere 5250 points behind or should we spoil the fun?

Let’s let her feel!

Go Courtney Conlogue! Go and win!

(You basically can’t.)

Go and grab the World Title!

(Pretty much impossible.)

Go and wear the crown! 2016 Champion!

(Not going to happen.)

Shit. I’m not very good at this.

Just in: BeachGrit hits the almost big time!

Chas Smith

By

A strange rumor reprinted sans fact check!

Being a minor league gossip-monger is sometimes tedious work. My ear is always pressed so firmly to the ground that I fear it may soon cauliflower. The rumors are, very often, tedious themselves. Like, any vibration having to do with number 44 in the world Marco Fernandez lead me straight to snooze-ville.

But Miley Cyrus and Stephanie Gilmore in a food fight? Gimme gimme!

It was published right here four short weeks ago in all of its glory and began:

Forgive the lack of accurate detail and possible meanders into non-truth. I was listening to someone else’s conversation, eating Chinese food and drinking a ridiculously sweet/fizzy rosé. Easy to get very mixed up.

Not the most rock solid of starts but completely still completely true, I think. Just fuzzy!

Anyhow it was picked up by major league gossip-mongers the The Daily Telegraph directly and without fact check. Let’s read!

In what is one of the stranger stories to land on Confidential’s desk, Aussie surfer Stephanie Gilmore has reportedly had a cake fight with US actor turned singer Miley Cyrus.

We weren’t even aware they knew one another, however apparently Gilmore and her boyfriend were dining at Soho House in Hollywood with Cyrus and her Australian fiance Liam Hemsworth when they decided to smash some tequila shots.

After being separated, Gilmore apparently picked up a cupcake and threw it at Miley Cyrus’s boob.

It hasn’t yet been confirmed or established whether the cake was thrown in anger or humour.

And how do I know it was picked up from your beloved BeachGrit?

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Oh I never kiss and tell! I’m just happy to feel like a star for one brief moment. To look through the glass door of the almost big leagues.

Is there anything better than Throwing Disqus? I’ll tell you. There is not.

Sexiest surf shot ever? Yes!
Sexiest surf shot ever? Yes! | Photo: Steve Sherman / @tsherms

Parko: “Gabi more talented than John!”

Chas Smith

By

The great Joel "Parko" Parkinson weighs in on the top of the tour ticket!

Would you like to know a trade secret? Professional surfers, by and large, are the best to interview when they reach the twilights of their careers. As young boys they crackle with opinion but haven’t lived long enough for those opinions to mean any real thing. As twinks, I mean twenty-year-olds, they have been scolded by the brands and no longer share freely.

But when the end of the road comes into view then the cream start flowing and Surfline’s Dashel Pierson lapped up something delicious, yesterday, from Joel Parkinson.

It is worth your time to read (here!) but some of the choicer bits involved Mick Fanning’s psychosis, his own “selfish motherfucker” attitude, bristling at being called “the old guy” and this year’s title race. Let’s peek:

The amount of talent that’s there, you probably can guarantee that it’s going to Pipe now. For me, personally, I think John’s on the right track. But I still think Gabriel is probably the most talented. I’m a huge fan of both, I don’t take sides. I’m just hoping for a great show. A lot can happen in France.

And does this summation surprise you? When you think of John John Florence and Gabriel Medina do you think that the latter is more talented than the former? Joel would know more than you or me. He’s seen the boys dance since their births.

It makes me wish for a new, extra-curricular, element to the tour. That John John and Gabriel could each pick three waves to battle each other on with one wave chosen by you and me. Then we would all know if Joel is right.

Until the World Surf League grows a brain (and balls!) though do you agree with Parko? Are #youwithhim?

Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by @theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
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